| Brian | Total points: 0 |
| 1: | Max Schmeling | 96 |
| 2: | Katharine Hepburn | 94 |
| 3: | Fay Wray | 94 |
| 4: | John Wooden | 91 |
| 5: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 90 |
| 6: | Sam Snead | 89 |
| 7: | James Whitmore | 80 |
| 8: | Mel Brooks [Kaminsky] | 75 |
| 9: | Jerry Lewis [Joseph Levitch] | 75 |
| 10: | Alan Greenspan | 75 |
| 11: | Shirley Temple | 73 |
| 12: | James Coburn | 73 |
| 13: | Chuck Barris | 72 |
| 14: | Mikhail Gorbachev | 70 |
| 15: | John Gotti | 61 |
| 16: | Bob Dylan [Zimmerman] | 60 |
| 17: | Randall "Tex" Cobb | 51 |
| 18: | Rusty Wallace | 45 |
| 19: | Peter North [Alden Brown] | 44 |
| 20: | Ralph Sampson | 41 |
| 21: | Vanilla Ice [Robert Van Winkle] | 33 |
| 22: | Puff Daddy [Sean Combs] | 31 |
| 23: | Kid Rock [Bob Ritchie] | 30 |
| 24: | Snoop Doggy Dogg [Calvin Broadus] | 29 |
| 25: | Buster Rhymes | 29 |
|
| Chasmo | Total points: 0 |
| 1: | Strom Thurmond | 99 |
| 2: | Est�e Lauder [Josephine Esther Mentzer] | 93 |
| 3: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 90 |
| 4: | Gerald Rudolph Ford | 88 |
| 5: | Shelby Foote | 85 |
| 6: | Ted Williams | 83 |
| 7: | Billy Graham | 83 |
| 8: | Al Molinaro | 82 |
| 9: | James Doohan | 81 |
| 10: | Suharto | 80 |
| 11: | Peter Ustinov | 80 |
| 12: | Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. | 79 |
| 13: | Rod Steiger | 76 |
| 14: | Yasser Arafat | 72 |
| 15: | George Jones | 70 |
| 16: | Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin | 70 |
| 17: | Johnny Cash | 69 |
| 18: | Jerry Lee Lewis | 66 |
| 19: | Geraldine Ferraro | 66 |
| 20: | John Gotti | 61 |
| 21: | Stephen Hawking | 59 |
| 22: | Chuck Panozzo | 54 |
| 23: | Christopher Reeve | 49 |
| 24: | Sharon Stone | 43 |
| 25: | Holly Johnson | 41 |
| Drop: | George Mikan | 77 |
| Drop: | Janet Reno | 63 |
|
| Ed | Total points: 0 |
| 1: | Augusto Pinochet | 86 |
| 2: | Kirk Douglas [Issur Danielovitch] | 85 |
| 3: | John Raitt | 84 |
| 4: | Ted Williams | 83 |
| 5: | Billy Graham | 83 |
| 6: | Pope John Paul II [Karol Joseph Wojtyla] | 81 |
| 7: | Mickey Rooney [Joe Yule, Jr.] | 81 |
| 8: | Suharto | 80 |
| 9: | Jesse Helms | 80 |
| 10: | Deborah Kerr | 80 |
| 11: | Jack Klugman | 79 |
| 12: | Edward Koch | 77 |
| 13: | Yasser Arafat | 72 |
| 14: | Princess Margaret | 71 |
| 15: | Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin | 70 |
| 16: | Dudley Moore | 66 |
| 17: | Saddam Hussein | 64 |
| 18: | John Gotti | 61 |
| 19: | Richard B. Cheney | 60 |
| 20: | David Crosby [Van Cortland] | 60 |
| 21: | Annette Funicello | 59 |
| 22: | Suzanne Somers [Mahoney] | 55 |
| 23: | Eddie Van Halen | 46 |
| 24: | Earvin "Magic" Johnson | 42 |
| 25: | Robert Downey, Jr. | 36 |
|
| Jack | Total points: 42 |
| 1: | Milton Berle [Berlinger] | 93 |
| 2: | John Kenneth Galbraith | 93 |
| 3: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 90 |
| 4: | Milton Friedman | 89 |
| 5: | Foster Brooks | 89 |
| 6: | Claudia Alta "Lady Bird" Johnson | 89 |
| 7: | Byron Nelson | 89 |
| 8: | Eli Wallach | 86 |
| 9: | [Eldred] Gregory Peck | 85 |
| 10: | Kirk Douglas [Issur Danielovitch] | 85 |
| 11: | Tommy Bolt | 83 |
| 12: | James Doohan | 81 |
| 13: | Charles Durning | 78 |
| 14: | Hugh Hefner | 75 |
| 15: | Pete Fountain | 71 |
| 16: | Buzz [Edwin] Aldrin, Jr. | 71 |
| 17: | Ken Venturi | 70 |
| 18: | Saddam Hussein | 64 |
| 19: | Paul Sorvino | 62 |
| 20: | Jeff Smith | 62 |
| 21: | Billy Preston | 55 |
| 22: | Eddie Van Halen | 46 |
| 23: | Perry Farrell | 42 |
| 24: | Jason Newsted | 38 |
| 25: | Nicole Kidman | 34 |
 | George Harrison | 58 |
|
| Moe | Total points: 0 |
| 1: | Eli Wallach | 86 |
| 2: | [Eldred] Gregory Peck | 85 |
| 3: | Ernest Borgnine | 84 |
| 4: | Mickey Spillane [Frank Morrison] | 83 |
| 5: | Shelley Winters [Schrift] | 79 |
| 6: | Buddy Hackett [Leonard Hacker] | 77 |
| 7: | Yogi [Lawrence Peter] Berra | 76 |
| 8: | Jonathan Winters | 76 |
| 9: | Gore Vidal | 76 |
| 10: | B.B. King | 76 |
| 11: | Art Buchwald | 76 |
| 12: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 75 |
| 13: | Ray Charles | 71 |
| 14: | Robert Vaughn | 69 |
| 15: | Johnny Cash | 69 |
| 16: | Willie Nelson | 68 |
| 17: | Evel Knievel [Robert Craig] | 63 |
| 18: | Bob Dylan [Zimmerman] | 60 |
| 19: | [Richard] Cheech Marin | 55 |
| 20: | Suzanne Somers [Mahoney] | 55 |
| 21: | Karen Valentine | 54 |
| 22: | Barbara Hershey [Herzstein] | 53 |
| 23: | Ice-T [Tracy Marrow] | 43 |
| 24: | Flavor Flav [William Drayton] | 42 |
| 25: | Puff Daddy [Sean Combs] | 31 |
|
| Paquito Terps | Total points: 0 |
| 1: | Strom Thurmond | 99 |
| 2: | Bob Hope | 98 |
| 3: | Max Schmeling | 96 |
| 4: | Katharine Hepburn | 94 |
| 5: | Al Lewis [Albert Meister] | 91 |
| 6: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 90 |
| 7: | Rosa Parks | 88 |
| 8: | Augusto Pinochet | 86 |
| 9: | Ted Williams | 83 |
| 10: | Tony Randall [Leonard Rosenberg] | 81 |
| 11: | Pope John Paul II [Karol Joseph Wojtyla] | 81 |
| 12: | Bob Barker | 78 |
| 13: | Marlon Brando | 77 |
| 14: | George Herbert Walker Bush | 77 |
| 15: | Jerry Lewis [Joseph Levitch] | 75 |
| 16: | William Shatner | 70 |
| 17: | Robert F. Bennett | 68 |
| 18: | Dom DeLuise | 68 |
| 19: | Shirley MacLaine [Beatty] | 67 |
| 20: | Orrin Hatch | 67 |
| 21: | Slobodan Milosevic | 60 |
| 22: | Richard B. Cheney | 60 |
| 23: | Lawrence Taylor | 42 |
| 24: | Boy George [George O'Dowd] | 40 |
| 25: | Gary Coleman | 33 |
|
| Roy | Total points: 16 |
| 1: | Bob Hope | 98 |
| 2: | Fay Wray | 94 |
| 3: | Milton Berle [Berlinger] | 93 |
| 4: | John Kenneth Galbraith | 93 |
| 5: | Buddy [Christian] Ebsen | 93 |
| 6: | Ronald Wilson Reagan | 90 |
| 7: | Gerald Rudolph Ford | 88 |
| 8: | Augusto Pinochet | 86 |
| 9: | Kirk Douglas [Issur Danielovitch] | 85 |
| 10: | Ernest Borgnine | 84 |
| 11: | Nelson Mandela | 83 |
| 12: | Joey Bishop [Gottlieb] | 83 |
| 13: | Pope John Paul II [Karol Joseph Wojtyla] | 81 |
| 14: | Mickey Rooney [Joe Yule, Jr.] | 81 |
| 15: | David Brinkley | 81 |
| 16: | Abe Vigoda | 80 |
| 17: | Charles Durning | 78 |
| 18: | Don Knotts | 77 |
| 19: | Fidel Castro Ruz | 75 |
| 20: | Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin | 70 |
| 21: | James Brown | 68 |
| 22: | Geraldine Ferraro | 66 |
| 23: | Dudley Moore | 66 |
| 24: | Richard Pryor | 61 |
| 25: | John Gotti | 61 |
| Katherine Graham | 84 |
| Drop: | Koko Taylor | 66 |
| Drop: | Slobodan Milosevic | 60 |
|
