I am a 91 years old lady. Or converted to human year, then I am 13. Everybody says that retrievers are food-junkies. I can’t understand that! When you convert to dog time. One human year is seven dog years. One day is seven dog days. I only get food two times a day. That means I only get food three times in a week, and I don’t think that is too much. I would like to see those humans whom would be satisfied with that. .
Besides I have a special hobby. I’m a collector. Human’s collects corks, napkins, picture postcards and things like that. There are many humans who have their whole house full of their hobby. 

I'm on the other hand are more modest. Especially when I was younger I collected caps. I had quite a nice collections from skin caps to home knitting caps. I was the most easiest to get a hold of caps who sat on children’s head, since they have more or less the same height as I do.
 

A collector doesn’t give up easily. I have caught caps from adults too. They want to pet me, and then I see my chance to snatch their cap! 

From the daddy in the house I have five caps. The worst thing was when I caught a skin cap that costed over $125, what ever that means. My mum was very upset for a while. Unfortunately this is a season hobby. I get the most caps in the winter. Daddy is a farmer and uses caps all year around. They have a hard edge, but they’ll do for the summer. 

One time my mum called a dog instructor to hear how to get rid of my cap snatching. He said that mum should let many kids with caps to come out to me. Then she should use a long red rope that she tied fast to my coaler. When I tried to snatch their caps she would pull the rope.  

Aftera few times I learned that when she used the red rope I had to be careful. As soon as she took it of, I understood that I was free. One time I took 6 caps. Talk about a nice day! !
 

I'm especially fond of caps with tassels on them because they’re bouncing so nice on children’s heads. When I caught them I get a whole lot of tread in my mouth. Can you understand that?

One day the little sister in the house had her nice cap with a tassel on. Mum had tied the cap around her neck. I got a hold of the tassel, but the strange thing was that I got the kid as well. I nearly broke a tooth. Talk about dangerous hobby! The kid thought it was very funny and she was laughing, but mum didn’t think so!!

I have also tried my skills as narcotic dog. For a while mum was working in the military. I was with her everyday in the car. So that she could go jogging with me before, in brakes and after job. We liked that because they had a nice terrain for dogs.  

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 One day the chief of the narcotic dogs came with many dogs to train there. The chief saw me while I was watching them eagerly from the car. He asked mum if he could try me. Mum was very uncertain, but he promised to use a long rope so that I wouldn’t run of. (Especially since the military people was standing in line, and they had some nice caps, and it was the middle of the summer. Talk about inspiration for a collector. )

He broke one ampoule of morphine, and hides it, then he took one drop in his hand and he let me smell it. I was very good because I found it right away. Then it was time for the other dogs, and they weren’t as fast as me. He wanted to buy me for over $1250. Mum loves me so much that she didn’t want to sell me. .
! :-) 

I have a son who is 49 years old or 7 human years. He is still mummy’s little boy. Every day I clean him. I must say I’m a very patient lady. I have raised 36 puppies through the years. I even enjoy watching my daughter’s naughty puppies. They will come to me and I’ll raise them. Then they will know who’s the boss. I don’t like ill-mannered kids. I think today’s way of bringing up of children is too mild. My daughter is a follower of this system. Otherwise I think I’m very kind.;

I would say I’m a good judge of character. When I had my first puppies many people came to see them. Mum had a long form she would follow. I on the other hand used my sense of smell. I gladly showed my puppies to people I taught would take good care of them. To the others I just turned away. I love to cuddle, so mum didn’t understand this. 

After mum had sold a puppy to a family I didn’t like, then she understood my system.

You know what that lady who bought my puppy did? She threw my puppy in the ocean when she was only 10 weeks old. The puppy was in shock after that and wouldn’t swim more after that. The lady wondered if she was a real retriever. The lady had heard that Labradors loves water.

Iliked what mum said to the lady. – Even if our husband can swim, you don’t throw your baby in the water. After that she started to use my system to check who would take care of my children or grandchildren. Humans are not so silly anyway! de!  

Written by Irene Jeanett Kristin Bjørtomt. With the help of Evita av Viahund’s paw (soon turning 15). Translating with help of Vibeke Bjørtomt. 
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