Responsibility I have something on my mind that has been severely bugging me as of late, and it's really inspired me to write a bit on this subject: responsibility. Before I start ranting, the pre-mini rant is that this was written after hearing from and about many different people in a similar situation. A new submissive, trying to sort out these new feelings... and they immediately run to attach themselves to a dominant. Not that I wouldn't offer the advice to slow down first, but what I am talking about here is personal honor and conduct in society. Yes, slow down... and take a look to see if you are really ready for this... but also take an honest look to see if you're available for this. This is NOT about polyamoury... there is a huge difference between multiple consenting partners and an affair. This is about lying, sneaking behind one's back... and using d/s or bdsm (or both) as their right to their actions. A familiar point, I do write from a femsub/slave's point of view not from the male sub/slave's pov... (can't really do anything else) and will write as I am familiar. On that same note, I'm finding that the more stories I hear on this subject the more universal it seems to be that this case is found in submissive women, not men. the main disclaimer, before I get flooded with tons of angry emails, *evil grin* is that this is not about any one person in particular. In fact the quotes I have made up for the purposes of this writing, though have heard the same thing many different times in the past years I've been a part of the real time and online d/s and bdsm communities. What I'm writing about is actually, though sadly, a very common phenomenon. I'm making a generalization, and if you don't like what I write you are free to close out of this page at any time. Essay by Anna Willo © January 2002 re·spon·si·bil·i·ty (r-spns-bl-t) n. pl. re·spon·si·bil·i·ties The state, quality, or fact of being responsible. Something for which one is responsible; a duty, obligation, or burden. re·spon·si·ble (r-spns-bl) adj. Liable to be required to give account, as of one's actions or of the discharge of a duty or trust. Involving personal accountability or ability to act without guidance or superior authority: a responsible position within the firm. Being a source or cause. Able to make moral or rational decisions on one's own and therefore answerable for one's behavior. Able to be trusted or depended upon; reliable. Based on or characterized by good judgment or sound thinking: responsible journalism. Having the means to pay debts or fulfill obligations. Required to render account; answerable: The cabinet is responsible to the parliament. 'I'm in my forties, have children and a husband... and the new discovery of my life has been submission! I'm pleased to announce that as of this afternoon I'm a slave! I have a Master! But... please don't tell my husband, I wouldn't want him finding out.' 'Up until lately I've been vanilla, my husband of a few years thinks bdsm is weird and if I bring it up again he'll get mad. So I -had- to hide this from him. But the good news is: I have a dominant now! We met in a chat room! Although, my husband still expects to have sex, so I have to take off my Master's collar. I cry so hard afterwards, clutching my collar and feel so lost.' I've heard it all before. In many ways, shapes and sizes. And I must say, they all make me equally mad. I realize there are a lot of different ways of living this life, and am not claiming that a style is wrong. However, it is wrong to use submission (or dominance for that matter) as nothing more than an excuse. We've all heard the word responsibility before, and by the time we are consenting adults we should know what this means. Right? Let me explain a bit more. I lurk around on irc, and also some forums from different online services. I am active within the local d/s and bdsm community. I come across many different styles of life within these realms, from M/s to weekend partners to polyamoury to occasional play toys. I consider myself to be very open and accepting of not only other people's kinks, but other people's lifestyle as a whole. What I am not accepting of is when the name of bdsm or d/s is used and abused. Like we don't deal with enough misconceptions and stigmas from outside our lifestyle... now we have added confusion from within. When a submissive decides to act upon her nature, be her 25, 45, 65 or 85... she has got to learn to take even more responsibility for her actions, past and present. Some women come into this life feeling trapped by their vanilla husbands, but what message does it send for them to go sneaking behind their partners' backs looking for someone to dominate them? I cannot comprehend how the epiphany of one's nature makes some loose a simple common sense of responsibility. This lifestyle is not about loosing yourself in someone else, it is about building up your own character. Sometimes responsibilities are almost like burdens, though I'd hate to say marriage was ever such a thing. I am trained in a very old fashioned, medievalist and orientalist style of d/s. I was taught the symbolism behind a collar, and in that same lesson was told that a wedding ring carries just as much weight. In fact, if a woman had entered a training agreement with a specific house in the past, and was married... she was treated like she was owned, whether her husband was in the lifestyle or not. Why? Because submissives need to learn to take full responsibility for not only their actions, but also their feelings. She would enter an agreement to said she fully understood what was expected of her, and what was not. She would not submit to anyone but her own willingness to please. There were even different positions that she was trained in, simply because some of the body language that can be taught was not appropriate for anyone but that woman's owner. D/s contracts bind souls, marriage documents bind in legality. Different, but of equal importance in the two societies. Stepping into the d/s society gives no right to overlook moral obligations of the past. Maybe this is a judgment, and maybe I will eat my words later... but I stand behind every word I am saying. It is not right to enter this life in shadows, you're going to have enough to figure out without having to hide this from your partner. There are ways of explaining the concepts of this life that make them sound simple for the vanilla folk to understand, but it takes patience and consistency to figure that out. I've got news for you, it takes patience and consistency for just about everything good in life! If you are going to take your place in a part of this lifestyle, what I am asking is that you do so in an honorable way. Many couples have both gone from vanilla to d/s together, and discovered that this is exactly what their marriage was missing. But yes there are some people that would never get this life and never want to be a part of it. Sometimes this may be the way a realization is made that a change is needed. Life afterall, is not meant to stay stagnant, we ever evolve as people and as a race. If submission is something that you need in your life, you owe it to no-one but yourself to act upon your nature in a healthy, responsible way... to get to the point where you have no strings attached that will hold you back. The universe has a cruel sense of humor sometimes, and trust me it will snap you back to reality if it has to. One day it will look you in the face, there's no hiding from your own self. I've seen all too many women sign onto chat to meet their dominant while their husband sits clueless in the next room. Though the internet is the main culprit in my mind, that is not to say that I haven't seen a fair share of women getting decked out in leather and lace in their bedrooms, before their husbands or boyfriends are home. 'It's just easier to stay with my husband right now.' Year after year, I've seen women caught in the same frustrating cycles of wanting something more that (as of yet) is not even understandable to them. That tells me they didn't learn to control these feelings in the first place. You cannot let go of something that you do not have control of. It's like letting a two year old run out onto an interstate freeway. Or worse yet, I've seen women confronted by angry husbands who no longer would even have a desire to make an effort to understand their wife's needs. After all why should they? Their wife has given up on them long before. Nothing truly good in life is easy. Self discipline and training is hard in my life, and is something I'm darn proud of going through. It's something that I proudly still go through, every day as I learn to balance with my owner. It helps me understand what I need and want in life, and to not associate the slightest bit of guilt with any of these feelings. I do my share of the work to help ensure that nothing stands between me and my owner, and for something so serious to my heart it hurts when I see others trying to achieve the same concept and skipping out on most of the work. It is much more healthy to be secure in your own feelings and honest about them with someone as important as a partner. That is, rather than live with that uncertainty and this fantasy of 'how it really is' playing over and over in your mind. The core lessons in d/s are no different than what your Mama taught you as a human being. D/s and bdsm don't have shining universal reputations. The misconceptions weigh so heavily on our shoulders that still our moral values are shunned in public. But when I think about it, I can hardly blame those looking from the outside in when we have such representation. I'm tired of the inferred fallacies that we live with, only because someone didn't think through their actions and realize the consequences. You yourself know what is right and wrong. Use your own judgment. Always, John's Anna