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1 October
Ahhh... a new month.... a new season... I
had an interesting day full of thoughts and well.... sleep.
*giggles*
After the talk about fear and control and
such, I ended up emailing Charrick the logs and we talked
about that for a little bit. Our view on fear being a part
of control is very much one and the same... and then the talk
turned into more, and eventually Charrick just asked, "what
are you thinking?"
Master loves this question, and it is afterall
his right to know what is going on inside my head. So I told
him I was thinking about depersonalization. (From the talk
about control my mind process went to absolute control...
which to this extent, absolute, is very hard to sustain on
a full time basis. But that is the purpose of depersonalization,
the slave looses all self identity and becomes an object,
or pet... or animal. The Master gets full control and makes
all decisions, directions, etc...)
I wrote in an email:
I'm thinking about depersonalization..
and how it's sparked more thoughts.. being "lost"
in that type of total control... about loosing your identity
to that extent... feeling that vulnerable...
like say... I'm in something of an animal
mode, lioness... perched on my hands and knees on the bed...
you are standing over me and proceed to break me of any resistance,
strip me of any sort of "dignity" and reduce me
to only the natural instincts.. not the ones that society
has instilled into my brain... you capture and tame me, you
have total control... not only do you have my mind and soul,
but you hold total physical control over me, holding my body
a certain way... tweaking my mind to think a certain way....
to be dropped "down" into that
mindset... it's amazing... the couple of times that I have
dropped like that naturally... to feel your utter control
over me, it's powerful, it's inspiring... it's releasing
It's one of the more advanced types of "play"
in bdsm.. it can be seen as humiliation but I have never really
thought of it that way. Then again, I've never done a ponygirl
or puppy play type of thing. I would see that as humiliating.
With what Master and I have done, I've been able to release
naturalistic animal reactions, I've also been a footstool...
but have never seen either as humiliating. *shrugs* Personal
view I guess.
Why would anyone do this? Hahaha I can just
hear the questions... "A footstool???" It's for
the control... that your Master even gets to say -what- you
are for a certain amount of time. It is completely releasing,
no sociatal expectations... nothing in mind but utter obedience,
pure feelings and reactions.
Master's reply to that email was a smile,
then I was sent to bed because it was nearly 9.30a and I had
been up all night. LOL Like tonight... ack, I should maybe
try to sleep.
But I'm so awake... dernit.
2-3 October
After another long night I finally dragged
my butt to bed at 8.30a... and slept until Master came home
at 2.30p. Since I've been up in the mornings I've driven him
to work and he's walked home, considering I've been passed
out. lmao In the mornings before I go to bed we have been
having nice conversations about topics that have been coming
up lately. Fear is one of them.
Fear is so strange, and can be strong at times.
I have been asked lately - Can control come from love alone
or does it take an element of fear to sustain?
My thoughts, aside from the posting that I
have made... is to go back to the beginning, to the core.
What is submission? It is something inside of me, something
that breathes fire into my soul and being. It is the need
to surrender to my partner. It is something that my Master
has the job of bringing out, nurturing, and guarding. Yet,
submission is not something that he instills into me. It already
exists. When we are balanced within ourselves, he has complete
control. I give this to him, freely and willingly.
Fear becomes an element of control when you
live in so much of the emotion. But as I say, if fear controls
you then the Master doesn't.
As Charrick said to me this morning, fear
is healthy to keep you out of trouble. Say you are walking
down the street and you think to yourself, "Should I
take a short cut down this dark alley?" You can't see
down this alley but you know it would get you to your destination
more quickly.
Fear would (should?) keep you from venturing
into an unsafe place. This fear is self-imposed, and balanced
with rationality.
When you fear someone who you call your Master
you have no reason to back you up. The very term Master (as
opposed to "dominant") denotes that this person
is the core of support for you. Everything you have instilled
in your heart is confused if you add fear. Fear has no place
in a relationship, because fear will no doubt hold you back.
A personal example..
I was taught to fear wooden implements in
my first relationship. They were used as punishment and the
very feeling associated with a mere wooden spoon (not to mention
a paddle) is paralyzing for me. It's not the pain I fear,
it's the feeling that comes with the very idea of the tool.
Charrick is completely aware of this fear
and very carefully guards me against it, controlling how often
wood -does- get introduced into play or otherwise. It is our
goal to one day work past this fear, it's just a very slow
process. There have been a few times, even tonight, when I
was across his lap for some... *cough* play... LOL and I actually
asked myself, "Could I get up right now and go get a
spoon to offer Master?"
My answer is still no at this point. It is
a goal however, that one day I hope will be achieved.
This fear holds me back from something that
I want to accomplish.
When I see Master holding a spoon or something
of the wooden persuasion, I am scared. But does that have
anything to do with the control he has over me? No... not
in the slightest. It's his control over me that keeps me in
place even when I want to hide from those blasted things.
Now... take an example that meshell had asked
me about this morning. In the summer journal I mentioned a
bad day, when I was giving Charrick an attitude. What was
impaired? My ability to surrender. I couldn't at the moment
because I didn't have control of my mood.
At the moment, no one held control. (Master
may say otherwise, "I'm always in control!" lol
But seriously, the act of the power exchange is begun with
my initiation.. and if I don't have control of myself I cannot
surrender it.) And after I left the room without permission
to do so (it was kinda sorta the leaving in the middle of
a lecture thing LOL eww) Master had followed and was annoyed.
Not angry, he was still in control of himself, but annoyed
at my behavior and especially the action I had just took.
His reply, as I said, was to get a wooden spoon. Now knowing
what was in his hand made me frightened. Not of him, not even
of the pain it could deliver... but of the feeling that is
associated with it. It was Master's way of sending a message,
but not of regaining control. Before he could regain control
of me I had to calm down and think through what I was doing.
A spanking would not regain that control. (A reason it's not
used as true discipline or punishment) The
fear associated with the wood wouldn't regain the control
either. In fact what it succeeded to do was make me more mad.
LOL
Master went back out to his chair and sat
down, after tossing the spoon on the floor. I laid there for
a few seconds, fuming. I started to curl up a little, with
my back to the door to the living room. That was when I was
told to come back out, and to take my place before him. I
knelt there and listened to what I had done wrong... and *there*
I started to realize that being angry was getting me nowhere
but more lost inside myself. There I was able to work through
my anger, and start to see the problem.
The spanking was a message, a "I am so
not amused little one" sort of thing. LOL It could not
and did not correct my behavior. The fear that I have of wood
had no part in me getting to what was truly wrong.
Fear has no place in relationships. When someone
is unbalanced to the point where it affects the exchange of
power, action is needed of some sort, but if fear was used
it would just teach the submissive to fear more. Until one
day, she's going to fear her dominant and what he will do.
The 'true' Master's goal would be to teach his submissive
not to fear, but to trust in whatever he does. Controlling
by any means of fear is not consensual, for it is holding
someone in bondage that is not wished for. Who wants to be
afraid? I know I don't. Submission comes not from being forced,
it comes as a willing exchange. The way to keep that exchange
healthy is to work to eradicate fear.
3-4 October
Okay... well, I don't really have much to
say about today. Except, erm... "Zzzzz" LOL I tried
to stay awake for a while, I don't really know why. Thought
maybe if I could make it through the day I'd sleep at night.
I passed out at 11a after Charrick told me to go. lol
I don't know if I can really come up with
something to write about... I've been trying for over an hour
now. lol It's 3a... let's see.. my thoughts this morning were
with working through phobias. (This fear thing won't die lmao)
I was trying to think of ways to work through this fear of
wooden implements. It left me with a little bit of a melancholy
feeling this morning. (That and the fact that I was feeling
really achy and sore) I wonder when I'll get mad enough at
this phobia to work through it.
What I mean is... this dang fear controls
me in a way that my Master can't. That should make me angry
in a way, but I can't seem to get passed the afraid feeling.
What would get me through that feeling? Having a wooden spoon
in my teeth as I was flogged? LOL I don't know WHY that thought
came into my head but it did.. (Good thing is that I can laugh
at these sorts of things, sheesh willo lol)
But really, what would do it? Feeling Master's
arm around me feeling the smooth wood glide over my skin?
No pain or anything involved at first? I know that getting
over a fear is a long, slow process... Will it take something
like "phobia sessions" ? Ack... lol
I wondered today if I don't have the stomach
to work through this. I wonder if everyone thinks that about
a phobia.
Okay that's all I can think about for right
now. lol
4 October
I am going to TRY to get to bed before 9a
tonight!! LOL It's another night where I really don't know
what to say. Days kinda get lost to sleep.. but tomorrow I'm
going up to Mt. Baker to see some friends with Master's mother,
so I'm gunna get to sleep come h-ll or high water! I know
this is really short, but honestly I can't think of a thing
to write. lol
6 October
Well good morning... or well, not so good.
I just stumbled out of bed after a painful few hours of not
being able to sleep. It's 4.30a. I have been turning (carefully,
can't toss) since 1a, after only being asleep for 2 hours.
Ick.
I spent a lovely day at Mt Baker with Master's
mother and two friends... except... I kept on passing out.
Well now, up until I got there I was doing good. I was feeling
pain but it was normal, my body's quite used to carrying that
around now. The twins that we visited do energy work, and
I guess I was a tough case. lol I believe in the power of
reikie (I'm not sure if that's spelled right), energy shifts,
and hands off healing. But I think this did something to my
body. Something felt like it was opened inside and things
started traveling more freely - I was in a lot more pain and
suddenly I couldn't stay with it for very long. I proceeded
to "pass out" several times following that. It was
like my whole body was crying itself to sleep every so often.
These ladies are also registered nurses, and
kept a watch on my blood pressure. They did that series where
you take the BP lying down, sitting up, then standing up.
It went down as I stood up. Which is strange. I've had the
opposite happen in the doctor's office. From watching me the
ladies think I am actually having small seizures. Conscious
loss is a part of the late stage of lyme's... oh boy I have
yet another symptom that the doctor will tell me I'm dreaming
up.
I greatly missed Master when we were apart,
and was so happy to be back in his arms at the end of the
evening.
Well I'm yawning, and it's 5a so I'm going
to try to go back to sleep. Just maybe this time I'll make
it... lol
7-8 October
Ah... what a peaceful night. What a beautiful
night sky... willo's floaty can y'all tell? lmao
Master and I had a wonderful session tonight.
Well, one that was scary in some ways, and one that was very
opening in other ways. Okay first of all, quick explanation
- the terms "scene" and "session" are
different things to me. I use the word session to define an
act where bdsm is involved. Scene is a part of the life Charrick
and I live, it's any sort of interaction where our "roles"
are defined. Even the certain glance in the kitchen when willo
is reaching for the cinnamon rolls is a scene of sorts. lolol
Why do I use a term to define such a simple thing.. for my
own fun and clarification.
Anyway, on with the good stuff! lmao
It all started when.... ....yesterday we were
walking through the grocery store. Charrick and I were looking
at veggies. I noticed the apples and started to feel my mouth
watering, remembering something that my mother used to make,
called Apple Crisp. (It's a baked apple dessert made with
a brown sugar & oatmeal crumb topping, it's very delicious)
I started to describe the dish to Master in the isle.. and
he looks at me with that half warning half playful look. I
knew he was hungry and started to giggle, when he says, "I'm
gunna beat you!"
LOL
I asked, "Promise?"
To which he replied: "If you make that
apple stuff, I do promise!"
*grins*
Sooo we got some apples, and I made the dessert
late that night. (Master loved it by the way, he moaned every
time the spoon hit his lips *beams*) The next day, Charrick
kept his part of the deal, and as soon as I got out of the
shower took a hold of my hair and laid me face down on the
bed. I was flogged... on my back, butt, legs... then a particularly
hard shot turned me over. I was wishing he would start to
flog the front. This is something I have been dreaming about.
Master's the first person I have really explored my bdsm fantasies
with, and I have never really had my front flogged before.
I looked up at him, and was remembering that part of "The
Castle" story that I am writing... I had written
about a flogging in the front, to the breasts and the sex...
I had wanted to experiment with this for a while. There was
one session before Charrick collared me that the flogger tails
wrapped around from behind and hit my sex... but that was
it. (That hurt too lol)
And like he was hearing the thoughts inside
of my head, he started off very very lightly in front. He
tapped my legs, and softly teased my belly... until I relaxed
and spread my knees open. He began to flog my sex... lightly
still, getting harder little by little, it was just as I had
imagined honestly. The feeling was INCREDIBLE. OMG I started
floating lightly, but I so badly wanted to "stay with
it" and feel this for all it was worth. Maybe Master
knew that too cuz sometimes a particularly hard shot landed.
Kept me with it for sure. lol
In fact once a cuss word slipped from my lips.
(It slipped, I swear!)
The flogger hit my breasts, he pinched my
nipples... he took my hair and directed me to where he wanted
me. I was loving it all. Even the rough sex. *grins* (Okay
there was one part where my head hit the headboard of the
bed... sheesh! LOL I didn't love that so much)
But there was something about it... maybe
the combination into sensory overload... that made me afraid.
Charrick's gotten forceful in a scene before. I have loved
it in varying degrees. There is one thing that gets me very
afraid, still to this day. The command to come to orgasm without
physical touch. It wrecks my nerves to think that I won't
be able to do it, and that type of orgasm feels way different
to me than the "normal" ones do. I can do it all
right, I've been trained to. And yet that sort of fear lives,
like each time is its own test. Sometimes that sort of orgasm
feels quite empty. Nothing behind it but a snap of muscles.
That's kinda what it felt like today. The scared feeling didn't
leave for a bit, and Charrick noticed as he knelt on the bed
over me. I think I was frozen in a way. He started to tell
me to relax and eased his grip on me.
Okay... there's something to be said about
the impairment of speech during a session. (Hahaha no pun
intended) I feel it quite a lot. It's not that you don't want
to speak, or even are afraid to.... but you're frozen and
even open your mouth to hear no sound come out. You have to
recognize if you're one of these sorts, and if your speech
is impaired at all you need to have a way to communicate with
your dominant. There is something called a "two squeeze
method" that the dom can initiate, to ask the sub if
she's okay. Charrick does this with me. Sometimes it takes
me quite a while to come back down from floating to respond,
and sometimes I imagine my squeezes aren't more than what
a weak kitten could do! lol But besides the dom checking in,
the sub should have a way of signaling that something is wrong.
I have heard of one Domina that checks her subs' hands...
if their fingers are spread out they are under stress and
she backs off. All well and good for her, but I notice my
fingers spreading a lot and it in no way means I want the
session to stop. It's just a physical response for me.
What I did think up, is snapping. It's a definite
thing that submissives don't generally do in a scene. LOL
It's something that can be heard in case my hands aren't visible,
and would even work with my wrists restrained. I thought of
the traffic light system - red means stop - yellow means slow
down - green is continue. I think safety systems should all
have variants, I wouldn't always want play to stop but would
be perfectly happy once again if the intensity tapered off
a bit. So I thought one snap would equate to a yellow, three
(and yes, three for a purpose) to red. No snaps, GREEN! lmao
Any type of safety system has to be used carefully...
and honestly I've never used a safe word in a session before.
There have been times when I should have, but I just couldn't
find my voice. That was my fault I think. But also, there's
a fear of me topping from the bottom. I know very well that
a safe word is there for my protection, but I think it's a
very fine line to use it. First of all, my moods vary. My
pain tolerance and level of surrender varies with my moods.
I always strive for the maximum amount of surrender as I can
work with, which is why I call myself Master's slave. I yearn
to give him everything I possibly can, yet I'm still human
and I have different levels at different times.
I sometimes wonder as the word "RED"
flashes across my mind if I'm not pushing myself far enough.
The secure fact that Master takes care of me in his control
is enough to see me through anything, even traumatic events.
Though they take some time to work out, he and I both learn
a great deal from them.
That may in some ways seem like I am laying
back and taking anything he decides to give out. Ha, if you
knew/saw us in real life you'd know differently. I'm a sagittarius!
(That denotes stubborn, and I'm proud of it! lmao) But seriously,
I say "no" and I mean it at times. But there are
times when I seriously question my own limits. Maybe these
questions arise at the wrong times! lol
Any time you may have a session the aftercare
is a very important closure to the activity. For me, aftercare
can last days. First of all, if I don't get my inital cuddle
with Master I feel my mood drop so fast and hard, I just need
that physical closeness. But also afterwards, if I've dropped
into a non-coherant level of subspace, it takes some time
to regain functionability of my limbs and speech! (lol doesn't
that sound silly? It can be quite a riot to feel Master behind
me in the shower trying to keep me from falling over lmao)
I also need time to think about what happened,
process what I can remember, and the feelings that I am left
with... which usually comes during journaling. I don't get
very coherant in thoughts until some time later. But even
now, hours and hours after the session, I'm still a bit floaty.
I've had to reread this entry quite a bit to make sure it
makes sense. Afterwards I need to talk about the session.
Address what happened, if I felt happy, floaty, scared, or
what have you... it's the things that I come up with tonight
in the journal (like feeling scared for instance) that we
will talk about tomorrow when we get the chance.
When we talk, it's very important to still
feel as though I have his complete attention. Which means
no tv, no computer... lol Such things that seem so simple
can really distract me, especially when I take a few days
to float back down to earth. By tomorrow I will have enough
function to cook dinner, to clean up a bit... but right now
I maxed after washing dishes LOL
But also in this coming back down, it's important
for the dominant to understand how sensitive the submissive
is, and how she greatly depends on the dom for a bunch more
support, those extra cuddles and kisses and reaffirmations
of ownership make all the difference in a safe journey back
to earth. (Actually, maybe it's the same way for dominants
as well)
lmao, once I read this great article that
began with something like:
"Oh crap, I have a meeting in 30 minutes,
bye" won the award for the worst ever aftercare.
There is a danger of dropping, and not floating
back down. Your mood can drop and real emotional damage can
be done, so think about aftercare. Never go too far from the
submissive. Be attentive to her every move, to her eyes (the
eyes will tell a lot, if she's really "there" yet
or not), her fingers (mine twitch sometimes I am told)
One of the first things I can really remember
after a session is Master will bring me a drink. He always
does this, and needs a drink himself. Then he sits by me and
watches as I "come to" a bit more, he'll lightly
tickle my arms or back. When I am able I somehow get right
into his arms (usually it's by crawling! rofl)
Sheesh, actually in this state, I feel like
I'm coming out of passing out. (Which heck, may be seizures
lol) Because of health reasons, Master has to keep a good
eye on me. Health is a good reason to keep an eye on anyone
coming out of a session like that. The body takes a lot, and
will have a lot of natural drugs (those good ole endorphins!)
pumping through the veins. It's a time to definitely pay close
attention.
Anywho... I could go on about this for a long
time! lol But I'm going to close this entry and work on some
other things. Be well all. :)
8-9 October
Okay, I have something to relay on the order
of Master... *blushes and giggles* Today was a funny day,
in the morning Charrick and I exchanged a couple of emails
about last night's session... then I was sent to bed cuz I
was getting way tiredly. I slept all day... and woke up in
time for fixing the rest of dinner.
During dinner, we continued to talk about
safe words and such... Charrick tried to get me to use them!
(I can't help it, it feels weird, but I know I'll have to
get over it and find SOME way to communicate that I'm not
comfortable or something to that effect.)
Anyway! Afterwards we came back into the computer
room and was playing with some system files stuff... and also
were talking about him getting a referral to an acupuncturist...
when and idea sprang into my head! The result is this:
10-8-01
The undersigned patient, under the care of her Master since
1/01, has shown signs of stress, chronic joint and muscle
pain, stiff necks and headaches, and is pending a clinical
diagnosis for Lyme's Disease if it weren't for the idiots
of WA State. In this professional opinion she needs tender-loving
care, strict attention, and a good old fashioned bare bottomed
spanking over her Master's knee. Feel free to supplement the
use of various implements, keeping in mind her fear of wood
and how much your belt hurts ~ this spanking should provide
a break from her normal routine and should produce happy,
"cared-for" (her own words) feelings. I suggest
starting slow to warm her backside up, then using your creative
genious to keep her bottom warm, working up to a nice shade
of red. Afterwards she should be cradled and kissed, and rubbed
and loved. Plus, if she took her spanking well like a good
girl, she should be rewarded with her Master's magical fingers
:)
In my professional opnion this would help
her mood/emotions and her level of pain tolerance... a spanking
producing the body's natural endorphins.
suggestion: fulfill this ASAP for wonderous results
I, Anna Willo, understand and endorse the implications made
in this document, and submit it in request referral form to
the grand high judgment of my Master
Thank you for your prompt attention to
this matter
MD - Dr Spank
Charrick added: "Will be filled 10-9-01, time to be announced"
LMAO OMG
*Blusheeeeeeess* I can't believe I wrote it!
LOL Now who knows what I'll have to come up with next time
I want something bdsm wise! ack!
Though I do have to say! It was easier and
a lot more fun to come up with this rather than, "Master,
may I please have a spanking?" Asking for me is still
so hard! At least if I can put some creative juices behind
it, the whole thing becomes a lot more fun.
Tomorrow night.. (or should I say tonight?)
is the local bdsm group meeting! This month's lecture is on
blade play! Woooo, I'm excited!
Okay, I have to get to cleaning the kitchen
and preparing Charrick's lunch and such... soooo... until
next time. :)
10 October
Good evening, well it's my evening! It's everyone
else's morning... lmao It's 2a, and it's been a wonderful
day. :) I got my referral seen to! LMAO *grins*
Charrick and I went to the bdsm meeting tonight,
it was fun! For a little while people were talking about showing
traits of dominance or submission in public and how to be
aware that it doesn't infringe on anyone else's right. I listened
to someone describe ordering for their sub in a restaurant,
not even letting her see the menu. I started to think how
exciting it would be to give up all control of the evening.
I mean, Charrick lets me make decisions on my own as an adult,
like what to eat, etc... Just the idea of handing over even
that sort of control - I guess because I don't do it often
- is exciting. It feeds my love of being feminine as well.
That whole, opening doors, ordering for the lady, etc... I'm
so old fashioned it isn't funny sometimes. :)
One of the most magical feelings though, is
being under someone's control out in public. You know what's
happening in that particular scene, but no one else around
you is aware. Like once Charrick took me to the store in bondage
under my clothes. I completely loved it, and yet felt like
everyone was staring at me. Truth was, no one noticed, and
I was just super sensitive.
One of my favourite bdsm stories is one that
jade of Castle Realm wrote, about going to a restaurant with
her wrists tied behind her back (a shawl was covering the
bondage) and having her food ordered for her, being fed...
(and being teased, of course) it was done privately but was
enough to make her nervous in a way. I love that feeling,
like a love/hate relationship! LOL You'd hate to be discovered
but still you love what is being done. Ah, pleasureful torment!
I can't think of much else to say really.
So I should close this and go do the dishes! (joy lmao)
11 October
Here it is, journaling time once again. Earlier
today I had a whirling mind, and went on a cleaning streak
as I just ranted in my head about a few things... I even told
Charrick tonight, "Master, I think tonight's journal
entry is going to end up being a rant." I had all the
intentions to just let go of some feelings here... but I think
my mind is too tired, it doesn't seem to want to whirl anymore.
LOL
Though there is one thing that I want to write
about in here, something that Charrick and I spoke about today
as well. The term, "Master."
First of all, a personal belief: I think that
is a very personal title, it is one that is of great honor
and prestige. I get annoyed when I see people flipping the
title around, or using it too loosely. Even when I hear others
speak of their dominants and just say, "Master said..."
it annoys me. I sometimes feel like saying, "Just call
him by his name! He's not master to anyone but you!"
My Master is just that.... MY Master, (hehehe,
watch willo get posessive! LMAO) and I do not address him
with his title to others. I just say his name, plain and simple.
"Master" is an honorific that is bestowed in his
presence, or in my mind. I will admit, sometimes "Master"
just slips out, but I do not make it a habit. And yes I write
the title at times in my journal, but this is my journal and
others are invited to read my personal thoughts.
*looks back at her words and wonders if that
qualifies as a rant*
hmmmm
Oh well.... lmao
I tried to make banana bread tonight. I have
noo clue what happened, but it overflowed and came out all
weird. LOL Tastes okay though! I may have to try again. Charrick
still says I'm his "baking goddess"
rofl
I wrote an introduction to a bdsm newsgroup
tonight that a couple of friends are on called BDSM_friends.
I'm on a couple of lists and love it when a good discussion
pops up.
Okay I'm seriously scrambling for something
to write here, so maybe it's time to close this entry. lol
So much for ranting, I just don't have the energy right now!
:)
Oooooo one thing that is cool that Charrick
and I noticed today - with my sleeping habits so twisted,
we actually get to spend more time together! I get to see
him for an extra hour in the mornings. That time has become
it's own little ritual, he will get up and I will have a drink
waiting for him, and will be making him some sort of little
breakfast. (We just bought a toaster, so I've been toasting
him bagels this week) Then we both get dressed together, and
I kneel down before him to have my collar put on. Then I drive
him to work. It makes me feel really good to be there for
him in the mornings, I always did like seeing him off to work.
I'll take the trade of the welcome home ritual to the waking
up one.
Rituals change over time to suit new needs
and such, and it's so nice to watch them grow as we do as
well.
Okay another positive thing (see now this
is so much nicer than ranting) is that I saw a design for
a collar that I absolutely love. Not that I don't adore the
one I wear now, it's just become very stretched out, and I'm
afraid to wear it for long periods of time. This design I
saw was a simple leather chord with silver beads around it.
Okay picture this, the beads were in the shape of small bone
beads (for those of you that don't know beadwork, a bone bead
is very long and thin, think of a native american choker)
and had the front part smoothed down so the leather shows
through. It's simple, and wouldn't stretch because of the
silver, and would match all my clothes! LMAO I really wanted
the actual necklace in the store, but I can never bring myself
to ask for things such as jewelry. Plus Charrick thought it
would be more worth it and more meaningful to make one ourselves.
I totally agree! *g* We'll design it after what we saw.
So many real time couples I know get new "collars"
over time, ones that aren't even real collars or even chokers,
but a piece of jewelry that has symbolism attached to it.
I knew that the collar I wear now wouldn't last a very long
time, but I love the design still.
Anyway.... wow this has turned into a longish
entry afterall! LOL But I'm getting a lil hungry, so I'm going
to go forage.
12 October
I just spent most of the night trying to catch
up on email. Goodness. LOL See I'm a Russian History fan,
and study the time of the Romanovs independently. (A friend
and I are putting together a collective site called livadia.org
- livadia was the summer vacationing palace that the last
imperial family loved.) Anywhoo.. I'm on a role playing list
about this same family, and I act out the youngest daughter
of the last Tsar. It took a long time to get through messages
and think up the next part of our story.
Plus I also did a project assignment for another
similar list, cept this list is much smaller than the role
playing one. I had to take three pictures of the Last Tsar's
second eldest daughter and describe them.
So I've done a lot of thinking of the Russian
Persuasion tonight.
But this morning, Charrick and I were having
a talk. Poor guy, I always come up with things to think or
talk about while he is at work. lol I asked him this morning,
why does he want to control me? And I wasn't looking for an
answer of "it's my nature" but why does he want
to control me specifically. Then we started to talk about
absolute control... and our discussion was interesting. This
is part of what I said:
We strive to give/take as much as possible,
but think of this, when the goal is achieved the journey's
over, and D/s is a never ending process. That "as much
as possible" changes over time. I think control expands
in ways that make an "absolute" non-existant. We
have the growth of a D/s relationship... or more correctly
in our case: an M/s relationship. That denotes more power
being exchanged than a dominant and submissive, not only the
power of body and mind, but also of soul. I work to release
me to you in total. Meaning there is not a part of me that
is left untouched by you. There are some that say being a
slave means that you loose your identity, your self. For me,
being your slave is who I am, it enhances my identity. Absolute
power corrupts. In a relationship there are two parts working
to make one, the bottom (not meant in a scene sense but in
a visual sense) is the one who initiates the power exchange,
and who can take back the control when s/he needs to. Hence
absolute power in a D/s or M/s relationship cannot exist.
Not between two humans. The "absolute" power that
some think a Master/slave relationship is can mask abuse.
Think about it, if you have so much power over someone that
you can sell them away when you grow tired of them... well...
ack. That just flashes warning lights of abuse all over the
place. The nature of any type of D/s relationship is that
they are consensual. A relationship in itself means love is
exchanged. Maybe not romantic love, but some sort of love.
And in a loving relationship, both sides are taken into consideration.
Just the needs of a slave greatly varies from the needs of
a vanilla woman. (Or man)
Most submissives that I come across find themselves
with the question of "what should my goal be?"
Well, I'm terribly sorry to steal a phrase
from the army, but the goal is almost unanimously, "Be
all that you can be."
That "all" is a sticky word, because
it varies from person to person. Therefore I would think that
the measuring of control and service is impossible. No one
has more control than another.
However, control can indeed grow as your needs
and limits change... and that is something that can be felt
from deep within the submissive heart. I painted this picture
for Charrick this morning in the same email:
Sometimes it's like a bush of brambles
that coils its way around my heart. I can feel the sliding
of the branches, wrapping around tighter and tighter with
each beat of my heart. You would think such brambles restrict
the flow of blood, and that such a soft organ is in danger
of tearing from the roughage, but the brambles support the
walls of the heart chamber... and all the thorns point outwards,
to protect me and never harm me.
Why did I start out asking Charrick questions
this morning? I wanted to let him know that I have been thinking
about direction. Improving myself for him is always on my
mind, and I was curious to know his thoughts on personal direction
as well. What came up was direction of the whole relationship
though, so we went down another topic.
Where do we want to take "us" ?
That is a common question that we ask, to always keep moving
forward, and to grow deeper in love together. What we want
to work for is a medievalist relationship, where a lady is
a lady in mannerisms and such. The man is her Lord and protector...
This may seem like a fantasy, but it's an
expression of love and devotion. Nothing about it denotes
fantasy. We have a longing to return to the Old Guard's ways.
Now this is a realm in which protocol holds high rank. Ritual
and manners play a high part. Charrick and I have rituals,
and we also develop more as our lives provide an outlet for
them.
I do feel that personally, we both have some
growing up to do. :) While we're still young we can explore
ourselves, our needs to control and be controlled... and learn
about ancient history to discover the direction we want to
turn in. Sometimes I forget, we're young... we have time in
our lives. Sometimes I want things and I wannem now! LOL But
we still learn how to deal with mood swings, his and my own.
There are times when Master can turn into a little boy just
as much as I can turn into a little girl. We both have stress
in our lives, and are still learning to mature our ways of
dealing with that stress.
We still learn, period. And we always will.
Thank the gods for that. :)
One thing I would like to learn about more,
if the time of King Arthur and Camelot. I want to learn about
Avalon, and expand my knowledge of the Celts. (Okay, so that's
three things lmao) Soon I believe Charrick and I will be going
to the library. He wants to find some books on the Marquis
de Sade. *g* I think I'll look for Avalon books, to try to
further my knowledge of the way of women back in medieval
times.
And now, I think I have some dishes to finish
up. And some more email to clean up as well. Sheesh, when
did I get so popular? LMAO
13 October
I am exhausted. It's been one heck of a day.
*sigh* I slept until nearly 6p today. Charrick got to watch
a movie that I would have no interest in during this time.
lol But when I woke up, he told me I have some mail.
I'm applying for disability of some sorts,
a program provided by dshs (dept of social and health services)
since I cannot work. Well.. I qualify for this coverage, IF..
I do two things.
One, see a shrink.
Two, find miraculous money to get down to
seattle to undergo a bunch of tests (that I've already had)
and start my story all over again with yet more doctors that
have no idea what to do with me.
This dshs thing is just to get me to that
shrink. I have no choice, I have hundreds of dollars in medical
bills that I need to get seen to some how. It's not even the
shrink that worries me the most. Like I was telling Charrick
I cannot go through another GI workup. Not only do I just
not WANT to, but it's so hard on my system to go through all
those tests.
This is all on the suggestion of the doctor
who is supposedly my care giver. (Not that he cares for me,
he's just shoved pills down my throat that have made me worse)
ANYway.. so I'm frustrated. I'm stuck in a
catch 22.
bleh.
freeking doctors.
They think I like being so young and being
so freeking helpless... or they think I'm so depressed that
it incapacitates my abilities to live!
Ask anyone that knows me...
I
a m
n o t
d e p r e s s e d
so there
lmao
it does make me sad that I have to go through
such a whirlwind though.
*le sigh*
Okay, I don't mean to plaster this entry with
bad stuff... I should qwittit anyway cuz it drains my energy.
But I really don't know what else to put.
This is on my mind. This infuriates me. It saddens me, it
frustrates me. I just curled up into Charrick's arms for a
long time to cry tonight. At first we were sitting here together
by the computer, kinda mouthing off about good fer nuttin
doctors... when he mentioned maybe trying to work at my graphics
things. I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to cry.
I feel so dang horrible about not being able to help Charrick
out with expenses, especially the medical bills. And even
though I love designing, trying to turn that into a business
has nearly ruined that whole outlet for me. I like to enjoy
what I do... otherwise the stress on me is way too much for
me to handle.
hearing him mention this was a crushing blow.
I got quiet, and eventually I just left the room. I wanted
to curl up alone and just cry. And I'm not even pre-menstrual
yet. lol
Well I didn't get any time alone, Charrick
followed me quickly and wanted to know what was going on inside
of my head. When it seemed like I was just overloading, he
pulled me to him and just let me cry into his chest.
I even said tonight, "Sometimes I can't
help but feel like a huge burden."
Of course he set me straight right away. lol
And he let me know that we will always be fighting together.
By the end of our talk I felt better, like I had released
something inside...
Then the rest of the night was spent curling
up together and watching a movie after dinner.
Ooo, here's some news :) We are going to get
two kittens! *g* I have wanted kittens for so long, I know
they would keep me company and give me something to mother
over. bwahaha
We just have to pay off some bills (which
we can do with the money that I'm getting from dshs) and make
some calls. (Free kittens are always easy to find lol)
Okay, that's all the news for tonight. *le
sigh* been quite a day.
15 October
Hello, hello.... it's the middle of Sunday
night / Monday morning and I'm back here with my own thoughts,
ramblings, and rantings. hehe It's 1.41a, and I had a feeling
I'd be doing the up all night thing. For one, I spent all
saturday asleep. Two, I spent all saturday night-sunday morning
asleep too! ack. I was tired. Then! Today I woke up around
11a, and made Charrick some breakfast. It was good too. :)
Spending all day sleeping I guess worked up an appetite. lmao
The rest of the day was spent hopping around,
Charrick and I rearranged furniture. I love a fresh start
type of look. We moved our bed into the dungeon *grins* and
moved the computer out. (yay! I am so happy that we did, it
never felt right there!) Now the puter's right next to the
counter that looks into the kitchen. This way I can be more
aware of emails when I'm buzzing around, or as Charrick said,
"I can bug you when you're making dinner!!"
*groans*
"Oh yes sweetie, it's what I live for!!"
*giggle*
Actually one of the reasons I so love this
arrangement is because now we won't be nearly as separated
when Charrick is playing his game or looking something up
online, and I am in the kitchen or the living room...
The old bedroom still holds our clothes...
and it might hold my computer (the non online one) in it eventually.
But other than that I'm not sure what else we'll do with it,
if anything.
Today's bright spot for me.... Charrick bought
me a new collar to replace the old stretched one. It's actually
the one I described in here before. *grins so wide* It's SO
beautiful, and so symbolically perfect. See the problem with
the old collar is that it's woven, so it stretched out and
is hardly a collar any longer. It's a necklace.
This beautiful piece of jewelry that Master
has placed around my neck is gorgeous.... simple silver square
beads and a leather string through the middle. The silver
to me represents Charrick's strength and sturdiness, guarding
the leather (me!) and wrapping around it. heehee I am SOooo
absolutely thrilled with this collar.
We might still go to make one ourselves later
on, but I'm a happy lil bouncy slave right now and Charrick
is happy because of that. Plus I did need a quick replacement
for the old collar. I was getting to the point where I was
afraid to wear it!
And aside from that wonderful news... I have
been having a nice talk with some folks on a bdsm list about
protocol. (Among other things too lmao) Some of my email:
Protocol has been lost to a great extent
over time, and while some of it may seem like ridiculous rules,
some of it is well missed. (an opinion, of course) I believe
they tried to keep as much of this lifestyle underground not
only for how strange it would appear as being an outsider
looking in... but also to try to prevent disrespect based
upon ignorance.. or what we now call players. Someone please
correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you have to have a personal
voucher for getting into one of said houses? Or have to be
a family member? At any rate, it was someone who would personally
vouch for you, and also I believe, someone who would be responsible
for making sure you understood the etiquette and such.
Though it would be impossible, how would
the chat rooms look if you had to express a good foundation
of knowledge before you were allowed to stay? (Assuming that
you couldn't go on to make a room and your own rules at your
whim.... of course lol)
My partner and I are called old fashioned
in many ways, some by choice some by situation. We try to
learn the ways of the Old Guard, simply taking with us what
is appealing and leaving behind what we can't use. I wonder,
had we belonged to a "house" years ago... would
we be obliged to take up every single rule?
Maybe that is why we have such a drastic
swing in mentality as regards to what is appropriate over
time. I mean, we've gone from secret society of sorts to anyone
who has a computer can be a dom or a subbie. I have to wonder,
when will it balance? If you are sincerely interested this
lifestyle, you should be able to find information on it and
should be able to talk to people that are involved. However,
I can understand the well guarded houses of the past. It seems
like until the human race as a whole matures in their self-responsibility
and is able to curb their lustful loins, in order to avoid
that hurtful playing the high security and protocol would
be needed.
Just an opinion. :)
I wouldn't disclose the other emails or subject
therein.... but it is a great conversation about the changing
of time. Whether it would be desirable to return to the "old
ways" or not. In some ways I would think yes, and in
others, no. Anyway, like I said, good convo. I also emailed
a lil bit about that one referral I wrote out, the people
of the group are loving that one! LOL heehee
I'm so close to Charrick now, I am afraid
to make too much noise. LOL I've been trying to type quietly!
Plus I'm trying to think of emails and am
talking a lil bit to a friend. :) So I think I'll close this
up for tonight.
16 October
Today is a HAPPY DAY!!! Charrick woke me up
today at about 4.30p and said, "Want to go look at some
kittens?"
We have been discussing getting two kittens
lately, one because it would be good for me... two because
kittens are just so adorable... three, I love cats. So we
drove about 15 mins and looked at three kittens, all from
the same litter, about 2 months old.
It was hard, but we each chose one, me a girl,
and Charrick a boy. The mother was a calico, and the father
was an orange tabby! What has come out from those two are
GORGEOUS kittens. It was hard leaving the other one behind.
I chose a lil girl calico... she's rambunctious, smart, playful,
has no problem eating, nor holding her own against her brother...
and is a lil cuddler when she's tired. She curled up on Charrick's
lap, and then right in my arms as we took them to bed. Her
name is Sanilai, or Sani for short.
Master chose a gray cat with black tiger stripes
and white feet, and named him Quillus. We call him Quill -
he's smart, very curious, and energetic. He loves to climb
(so does Sani) and jump around... he tries to explore all
the little nooks and crannies of the apartment and loves to
walk around my feet!
They are soooo cute! They wrestle with each
other so hard that it's funny to think they're just 7 weeks
old. They are so special, little darlings when they want something,
like foooood. They just need to learn not to chew wires! haha,
we need a spray bottle. Kitties don't like being spritzed
with water. They've even outgrown our little warning hiss
already... they know nothing comes with it to back it up.
Smart lil buggers. They've taken two naps today, and are prolly
going out for a third on my lap. The woman who bred them says
they're trained, but I've yet to see proof lmao
They are SOOOOOO cute!!! I am very happy with
these two. :)
17 October
Ahh... another night of complete awakeness.
It's been going like this for two weeks now. Ah well.. I like
it still. I get my quiet time, and get to talk more with Charrick
in the morning (through email) when he isn't quite so busy
like he would be in the afternoons. Plus I love having his
clothes laid out for him, making him some breakfast and pouring
him a drink, kneeling at his feet as he gets ready for his
day. :) I'm ina dreamy "happy slave" mood right
now. teehee
Our kittens are just adorable still, and getting
quite used to who "Mama and Papa" are. Master and
I had a wonderful time this evening lying together on the
couch, me laid against his chest, and the kittens sleeping
on my tummy. We're such a cute family. *g*
I tried to see what the "intelligent"
convo was online this morning... and got somewhat disgusted.
Why? Because, they were discussing punishment. I think this
is one of the most drawn out, overused topics that frequent
the chatrooms and email groups these days. What is the fascination
with it?
As I see, punishment can come in two ways.
Firstly, in proper form it's to stop a behavior from reoccuring.
My own personal beliefs is that true punishment should not
have any bdsm involved. Like I said once to Charrick, I love
being whipped, how would that teach me to right a wrongdoing?
Just a personal feeling. Some dread corporal punishment, and
so a spanking would work wonders.
I feel like I've only been punished once in
the time Charrick and I have been together. This was to put
a halt to a serious infraction - I stopped communicating with
my Master for days. He could tell something was wrong with
me, but I would not talk. Instead my attitude plunged, and
I was then being outrightly disrespectful. My punishment was
to write a letter, and explain what I had done wrong. It took
a lot of deliberation to put it into words, and I cried hard
while writing it. I never want to go through that again.
Then there is another kind.. the kinky side
of punishment. For some, the appeal of a scene for play punishment
is tempting. The usual feelings associated with traditional
punishment, the disgrace, guilt, etc... have nothing to do
with this. I taunt Charrick at times, and I do so to get a
reaction... but I hope and pray and work very hard at not
crossing a certain line. We do not get into the Daddy/daugter
or ageplay stuff, but I liken myself to a kitten at my best:
curious, cute, and playful! :)
I don't like calling this sort of play punishment
though.... it's just "play" for us.
Now that I've poured my heart out over the
subject, lol, some of the things I see online are just horrible.
It seems to me that some doms these days actually rate themselves
by how well they punish. Ack! Why would someone want their
submissive or slave to live in the shadow of punishing possibilities?
It doesn't make sense to me. *shrugs* I heard a story of one
guy who didn't talk to his submissive for two weeks as a punishment.
Then when he "decided to talk to her" again, he
gave her a "choice." (Which I would call an ultimatum)
Never repeat the behavior that got her ignored in the first
place, and he would continue to dominate her. Else he would
desert her. He said "leave," but I would say desert.
Ick.
I don't understand... deserting is a huge
fear of mine, and if Charrick ever used it to correct my behavior
I wouldn't stick around. I hear all the time, "The Master
has a right to punish the sub by disowning her if he sees
fit"
Well..... The Master has a responsibility
to the submissive to help guide and teach her, I see disowning
for punishment as a cheap way out.
Sheesh.
I just can't believe how often I hear that
the "hot topic" is punishment. How it is carried
out, why it is carried out... I never thought it was such
a fascinating part of a D/s relationship! I believe discipline
is a part of every D/s relationship. Punishment as well, but
should you be dealing with a "natural" subbie here,
I don't believe that the need would arise more than a couple
of times a year.
I wrote about this because I didn't have much
else to write about LOL
Wow, the kittens have been sleeping nearly
all night! I get worried when it's so quiet... lmao like they're
planning or something. *g*
Well... it's getting around that time to start
to get ready for Charrick to wake up. On with the morning...
18 October
You know... Master didn't say a thiiing about
yesterday's entry rofl
Not much to say about today really. Hmm..
I called a shrink. lol I need to call back again tomorrow.
Or today... later... whichever way you want to look at it.
I also need to call Les Schwab... again... *grumbles*
I've been thinking.... what's it going to
look like to the kittens when they see Papa flogging Mama...
LOL *giggles* I have been wanting some bdsm play a lil lately,
I've been cramping up and in more pain than usual... my back
is just killing me most of the time. And we all know how wonderfully
them endorphins work after a whipping. *grins*
Now.... um.... I'm going to have to come up
with a way to ask... ack LOL
I don't really think I have much to say. The
place is sooo quiet with no kittens romping around. They do
actually sleep through the night, underneath Charrick.
Tonight I worked for the third night in a
row on business for the Russian History emailing list. That
stuff is hard... lol especially when some people aren't making
it and we have to cut down on memberships for inactivity,
or lack of proper activity. But I hope that the not so nice
business will be wrapping up soon.
19 October
Wow a lot happened since I wrote yesterday.
LOL Charrick and I were having our usual email sessions in
the morning... and I was in a dreamy yet introspective type
of state.
I asked...
Are there benefits of formalized training?
Now, I don't mean training in the classic
sense of teaching the beginnings....
but to continue on with a personal relationship, inside the
relationship. This
is strictly between a "seasoned" Master and slave..
Of course when you live in a
relationship like this, every day is a training of sort....
but there is the
factor that life comes between some things you'd maybe like
to do. So would it
be beneficial to devote a specific amount of time for a more
formalized scene.
(not just indicating bdsm here, though it could have a part
as always, for fun)
What could these scenes do? Reinforce the
basics that you learned while fitting
together during negotiations... and maybe introducing new
expectations if there
are any. I was thinking, real (mundane lol) life is removed
as far as possible
from these scenes. Protocol is in full swing, like for us
it would be Old
Guard, maybe fulfilling the traditional greetings, positions...
I had this daydream last night... LOL ummm...
a night dream.. rofl Making an
evening of it, perform something of a greeting ritual that
we will have designed
out... being put into that "full" mindset where
neither of us have to worry
about anything outside of us and the bonds that make a Master
and his slave. In
this dream I would speak when spoken to, or ask permission
to speak.. etc.. we
discussed what we would do that evening... and that was to
go out for dinner.
That conversation was followed by a series
of commands. "Arms up, step out"
LOL you were undressing me. Then you undressed, and we took
a shower together.
After that, we came back out and you pulled
out some long soft, thin rope.
*perks and grins* The rope was so small that it wouldn't bulge
out anywhere...
if you know what I mean. You tied it around my torso, around
the breasts, and
made some rope undies LOLOL Then you chose the clothes you
wanted me to wear, a
loose dress that slipped over all this and concealed any hint
of bondage. No
panties, of course rofl
I got dressed as you pulled out your clothing.
Then you sat down in your chair
and said, "come take your place" and I knelt before
you, to put my collar on.
After that you helped me up, put on my jacket, and we went
out. We went to the
olive garden in my dream ROFL
we sat in a corner booth, us sitting side
by side... you ordered without ever
letting me look at a menu. (I have no idea why but ever since
I heard of that
the thought has INTRIGUED the heck outta me lol)
At one point I kinda got influenced by
a story that I remembered... where to be
taken out to dinner the slave had her hands tied behind her
back, and her jacket
was covering it. The Master had to literally feed her. He
had other fun with
her tooooo
*grins wickedly*
ANYWAY ROFLMAO
session could be included into these times...
I think personally, I'd already be
gently floating from this sort of an evening....
What would the benefits be? Well.. an ideal
mindset of a slave would be to
think of NOTHING but her Master's needs and pleasure... this
would be an
opportunity to do just that. It is to divorce all other pressures
of life and
to strengthen the bonds.
I was just trying to think of what all
these "training" scenes would include...
or even, would it be worth it? would it be fun?
Charrick replied that he had been thinking
about this sort of a thing too... and when I replied to his
email, I made a lil joke about "longfully looking towards
the drawer" (yanno, that "forbidden to slave drawer"
lol) Master then asked me, what would I pull out of the drawer..
at first I thought of three things.. the horsehair flogger,
the glove, and the suede flogger. I would give him the horsehair
and glove, and then just touch and fondle the leather flogger
LOLOL
Then he asked... what would I like done with
these things... and that sparked the author in me!
I'd like to be laid on the bed... with
a couple of pillows under my tummy for
curvature purposes *blushes and hides her face into you* then
I'd love for you
to pull out some rope, and tie my ankles spread apart to the
railings of the
bedframe... (what the wooden beams rest on) and my wrists
tied in the same
fashion to the other end of the bed frame...
I'd love to be blindfolded, and..... I'd
like to try having my ears covered...
maybe ear plugs.. and the suede flogger laid out right by
my face, to smell the
delicious aroma of the soft leather, to have a couple of tails
maybe rest
against my cheek as I lay bound and helpless, completely at
your mercy
Then I'd like to feel your gloved hand
run all over me, lightly, almost
tickling.. to harder strokes... I'd love to not know what
my Master was going
to do next... but to have goosebumps rise in anticipation
of his next touch...
to wonder how light or firm it would be... which part of my
body it would land
upon.... whether I could hear the echo of a smack through
the plugs...
I'd love to feel his touch getting softer
and softer, till it's almost non
existent, and my back arches, aching for the next whim of
my sweet tormentor..
Then to feel the horsehair rain down upon
my shoulder blades.. each strand of
hair building the momentum until the full weight of the thud
lands upon my
flesh... then I would love to feel the light rain down my
spine as you tickle
the length of my back with the tips of the flogger... moving
towards the insides
of my thighs.
the slave would try to close her legs in
defense, only finding her range to be
very limited... and a tiny whimper escapes her lips, echoing
in her head with
the sound from the outside blocked from her ears. she squirms,
arching her back
once again to present the full slope of her lower curves...
......silently begging her Master for more.....
hehehe, sounds fun doesn't it? LOL Charrick replied with
"mmmmmmmmm"
rofl
So then, I get an email from him:
You are requested to attend,
An evening of fun, for this you will need
to do a few thing.
1. Get plenty of sleep
2. Pull out a few dresses you like
3. Be ready to go by 3pm today
Do you think your ready?
We shall see...
So I wrote back and tried to get details.
Of course, he wouldn't give anything more... but then told
me to sleep later, until 6p cuz he wanted me well rested.
So I fell asleep, I don't know how but I did.. LOL I was so
excited, wondering what he was planning. Then when he woke
me up later on he had had choosen one of the outfits I laid
out, and told me to get dressed. After I had my tea, woke
up a lil, and then knelt before him to have my collar put
on, he blindfolded me and took me out! Sheesh.... now THAT
was a sheer test in trust LOL Charrick was driving, and I
couldn't see!! eeep... (usually I do the driving! cuz I'm
the one with the license)
He took me to the movies... *smiles* We saw
Iron Monkey, a really good Chinese film set in the 1800's.
I love the Kung-Fu style fighting, it looks like dancing in
a way.
Plus I got to cuddle up to Master for two
hours. :) The rest, you'll have to use your imaginations...
bwahaha
It's actually now 8.30a... and it's been a
long night. I did a lot of official stuff in emails for my
Russian list. Ick. I'll be so glad when that's over. Also,
I made myself a grilled cheese at 1a. LOL Don't know why,
just thought I'd mention it. *giggle*
21 October
I've done quite a bit of looking around and
'working' (a lil, I'll explain in a bit) lately, trying to
find new inspiration for this site. I've been designing a
couple of new things, like the castle wall image... I started
on a design for the East Wing... I made some new graphics
for the beginning of this site.
But I've also been working on something for
a friend's site. I've discovered this room in bondage.com,
now if I go into irc, that is where you'll find me. The room
is called #SubMentors and is going to be a place where submissives
experienced in real life will help novice submissives with
lifestyle issues, and with transitioning from online to real
life. The owners of the room are wonderful, and I feel very
comfortable with them. And one of them is named Wyllo....
LOL So there's two of us to differentiate between now. This
can certainly get interesting!
I can be myself in this room, and not have
to worry about online soap opera games. Charrick likes the
idea of reality based... he's very protective of me and watches
where I go online, he knows i can get sucked into drama easily.
(Heck, I was a server admin for a year LOL other people's
problems were my problems too!)
The site is found at submentors.org and there
is some great info inside there. The room owner, Dona, asked
me to come up with some questions to formulate webpages for
the regulars of the room. I did that last night. :) Had fun
answering the questions too.
On my travels online I came across a word
that I want to talk a little about. When I was first writing
my essay on "reality" Charrick told me to come up
with words that would help me along. I came up with things
like compromise, trust, faith, courage, love... etc... there
is one word that I wish I would have included now, looking
back.
Focus.
Remember when I was talking about keeping
a certain "headspace" - or an ideal mindset for
submissives? I was searching for a word in my head that never
came to the tip of my tongue. Focus. How do you keep a proper
headspace as a slave? You keep focused. You use your will
and power to remember who you are. I don't think your dominant
can really keep you focused, because this has to go with the
surrendering aspect. It's something that you give freely,
your focus, your devotion... your power.
There are certain things that Charrick says
or does that reinforces my focus, but not that would ever
"force" me down into submission.
Ack Charrick's awake LOL Time to wrap this
up. I might write more later on this subject, if I can think
of anything else to say.
22 October
ack, it's been a busy weekend. On Friday the
car stopped running, something about the spark plugs. *groan*
I think it's fixed now, or well - set up until something can
be done about it permanently. Which hopefully, will be tomorrow
(but tomorrow is really today lmao) evening.
The kittens have just been going nuts all
over the place, it's so funny to watch them chase each other.
But what is sooo cute, is that when they are just waking up
from a nap the both of them run to me mewing, climb up on
my lap or shoulder and just puuuurrr... *grins* I'm such a
happy Mama I can't even begin to describe it!
Had an interesting talk with a couple of friends
about dependancy and the overuse of control. Can a power exchange
make a dominant become a tyrant or a submissive become too
dependant? Yes, I think so. It's sorta like an alcohol problem,
it's an addiction and you don't realize it until it controls
you instead of you controlling it. Lots of people can get
drunk on power, and I think the cause of that is if you don't
really know enough about the lifestyle, your partner, or even
yourself. And on the other hand, submissives can get lazy.
Those that have everything done for them can abuse the protection
they are given. I've seen it on both sides.
I have my shrink appt later, is it warped
to be looking forward to this? I just wanna see what they're
gunna dare to do! Plus we have to get in touch with Charrick's
allergist. I am going to be sleeping so I'm not sure if I'll
be able to do it.
Ugh, it's monday.
My hip hurts... and so do my ribs, and my
hands... lol ick. I ended up over Charrick's knee this morning
(have *no* idea how that happened!!) and was so wiped out
by the spanking that he put me to bed right after. lol
After I woke up Charrick and I went out to
put gas in the car, and we got stuff to make milk shakes!
Oooo that stuff is so good. I just have to remember that it's
1 cup of ice cream for every 1/4 milk.... not the other way
around! LMAO
*ducks*
23 October
ok... well i went to the shrink. wow... i
don't believe i've had so much fun tripping out an old guy
in years. mwahahaha i'm not really paying attention to capital
letters at all, my fingers hurt and my arm has a big scratch
on it from my kitten. owich
it was a long drive to get to the doc's, cuz
i kinda got a lil lost. it was up a hill and i couldn't see
the building, but it was a good thing i left ten minutes early.
after only 4 hours sleep, i was in a half amused / half 'what
the heck am i doing?' mood. the doc was nice enough, not a
psychiatrist so i knew he couldn't give me any more drugs.
i signed papers saying i understood what i was there for...
then started in on an hour long session.
the secretary interrupted like three times.
i thought that was taboo lol *shrugs*
first the doc and i went over why i was there...
i explained the whole long story as shortly as i could, even
came prepared with a list of symptoms so i didn't have to
try to remember them all. he was all, 'have they diagnosed
your problem?'
'no... not in three years'
'really?'
no i'm lying to see what you'd say.. lol
(a lot more went on in my mind than what actually
came out of my mouth)
i did say that i had a diathesis
then he went down a list of questions. at
this one point, i must have 'left' or something, cuz i blinked
and suddenly he was looking at me all intently. lol i was
all, 'what?' and he asked, 'aren't you going to answer the
question?'
d'oh
lmao
'um, can you repeat it please?'
at the end he was all... 'you certainly are
an interesting case!'
TOO many dang doctors tell me that... what
IS that supposed to mean??
he asked me the same question about three
times, just in slightly different ways.
'what abilities do you have that would help
you on a job?'
'do you have any abilities that could be used
on a job?'
i forget the third way... but i was thinking,
'didn't your mother ever teach you to listen??'
hahaha i could just see him writing, IRRITABLE,
if i said that
then he was all, 'do you have any paranoid
delusions? now... let me define paranoid, it's when you think
people are talking about you behind your back. undoubtedly,
everyone has some people that talk about them behind their
back, but i mean does it interrupt your thoughts often?'
after that whole big thing i was like, 'no'
next question!!
'do you hallucinate? like say, do you hear
voices or see things that aren't really there?'
i was thinking: 'oh no, they're really there!'
bwahahaha but i really said:
'only when i have really high fevers'
'what do you mean, fevers?'
'fevers are the body's result when trying
to combat an internal infection, you're a doctor you should
know that.'
i got the look
lmao
the FUNNY part to me, was when i said,
how can you sit and listen to someone for
just an hour, asking pointed questions (which beg specific
answers) and then purport to make a sound verdict on someone's
mental health or 'what goes on inside their head'?
How can you warrant placing yourself closer
to the higher power, whatever you wish to call it, and justify
a judgment on another human being when you yourself, by means
of being a fellow human being, are imperfect?
he DIDN'T like that!
LMAO
he got so red in the face, and i showed that
guy i could still think and use five dollar words!
heehee
over all i just did it cuz i knew i had to.
it gets me a step closer to having the right medical treatment.
i actually found a doctor in vancouver that i want to try
to see, only 90 mins north...but i have to remember that no
federal insurance will pay for out of country treatment.
i am still stupified when i see how many doctors
really know nothing about tick born illnesses.
and that's the report for today.
 
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