Only Hope

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Joss owns. I don't. I'm in college. Make your own conclusions.
Distribution: Wesleyan Aria, WNW, any others - just let me know
Spoiler: "Billy"
Summary: Prior to/during/after the last scene of "Billy", Wes POV
Author's Note: I haven't read any of the other author's stories dealing with "Billy", so any coincidences are purely that.

I can't believe it. After all these years it happened. After being so careful when I made a critical remark that I didn't sound like *him*.

My father - another example of evil in human form.

But I should have known. I should have recognized it as it was starting to happen. I should have stopped it. I hadn't meant to hurt Fred. For gods' sakes, I almost raped her.

My father was right. I'm useless. Worthless.

There's a knock at the door. I'm not expecting anyone. Should I answer it? What if it's one of them? How can I face them? I finally decide to open it, knowing that if it is one of them, they aren't going to go away until they talk to me.

"Wesley?"

Oh, god. It's Fred. Why did it have to be her. I could have faced anyone but her. I can't face her.

"Wesley - it's me, Fred."

After another minute I decide I had better go answer it. She probably won't go away until I talk to her.

I slowly get up and go to the door. I tentatively open it.

"Oh. Does that hurt?" she asks, touching my cheek. "Sorry. I left a bunch of messages."

"Yes," I reply softly. "I meant to call you back. I'm sorry." What was I supposed to say if I had called her back? "Sorry I let myself be controlled by a demon and then try to kill you. By the way, want to do a movie this weekend?" I slowly look up at her and quietly say, "I'm so sorry!" I'm more than sorry, but I, for once, don't have adequate words to express it.

"Wesley, you got to come back to work."

Why? They can do better without me. I'll only cause more trouble. "How can I?"

"What do you mean? How can you not? You're the boss. We need you. You took a few days off. That's good. We all did. Now it's time you came back."

If I'm the boss, then - NO! I'm not going there. I am not my father. "Fred, I tried to kill you."

"That wasn't you."

How can she be so sure? "How can you know that? Something inside me was forced to the surface. Something primal. Something -"

"Did you want to kill me?"

I'm surprised by the question. Shakily, I get out, "Oh, god, no!"

"It wasn't something in you. It was something that was done to you."

How can she so sure about that? It's a known fact that people who have been abused have a higher rate of becoming abusers. "I don't know what kind of man I am anymore."

"Well, I do. You're a good man. Will I see you back at the office?"

Can it really be that easy? Finding no reason not to consent, I say, "Yeah."

"Good."

After an akward moment, she leaves and I gently shut the door behind her. I can't control them now. The tears come and I rest my head against the door and sob. I didn't mean to hurt her - honest! If I could go back and change it, I would do so in a heartbeat.

How can she be so forgiving? Doesn't she know that it was me? That it was something inside of me?

My father never raised his voice. Sometimes I had wished he would, but he never did. It was always the same volume - and deadly calm.

The next day...

The tone when I walked through the door was joyous. Almost as if they were celebrating the return of a hero. But I'm not a hero. Just a pretender. Why am I the recipient of so many hugs and smiles? What did I do that was so gallant and brave?

I'm sure my father would be proud that I screwed up another mission. And a simple one as that. All I had to do was analyze some blood. It's not rocket science!

"Hey," a soft voice says, accompanied by a light touch on the shoulder. "You doin' okay?"

I turn a bit and see Fred standing there. I instantly drop my gaze, not worthy to look her in the eyes.

"You can answer that you know," she says softly. "It's not like I'm going to hurt you if you don't."

My eyes flick up nervously and meet hers.

"Oh!" A hand flew to her mouth. "I'm sorry, Wes. I didn't mean that - honest, I didn't."

"It's all right, Fred," I reply quietly.

"Anyway, I was wonderin' - since things have been prety slow lately, could you maybe help me? Cordelia said that she and Angel have been training together. And I know that I'm not that strong and all, but I want to do that too. With you."

"I don't think I'd be a particularly wise choice, Fred."

"Well, we don't have to start now if you don't want to, Wesley. I can wait. But if you really don't want to, I could go ask Charles."

"No, I'll do it." I smile up at her, trying to reassure her. "Would you like to start now?"

"Sure." She smiles back and it's like sunshine to me.

Maybe there's still hope. Maybe I'm not like my father after all. If such a sweet, beautiful, young woman can go through what she did and still see the good in me, I must not be all monster.

I hope I can prove her right.

*fin*