HOME BACK TO "LOOK AT MY PRIVATES..." MY STORY
My Diary...
Most recent enries are located on the top.
INTRODUCTION:
I have been keeping a personal journal of my life for a year and a half.
Most of them are in storage back home in Texas. These past few weeks
I have been neglecting my writing. The weeks have been harsh for me
with some family problems that surfaced the day before my birthday,
stress at work, and early this morning, under questionable circumstances,
I was asked to leave the homeless shelter where I stay. I think this is a
good time to start a new series of entries about the good, the bad, and
the ugly days that come and go in my life. If you've read "My Story", you
would know I've been through it all before. Now you can read what
goes through my mind when things get tough.
Saturday 23, 2002 3:47AM (13th entry) Monday 17, 2002 (12th entry) Monday, June 10, 2002 (11th entry) May 12, 2002 3:06 AM (10th entry) May 8, 2002 4 pm (9th entry) April 30, 2002 11:16AM (8th entry) April 23, 2002 10:26AM (7th entry) April 16, 2002 3:14AM (6th entry) April 9, 2002 11:41 AM (5th entry) April 4, 2002 7:27 PM (4th entry) March 27, 2002 11:02 AM (3rd entry) March 17, 2002 9:20 PM (2nd entry) We got back to the shelter and one of the staff members said; "Hey MORENO! You smell like something...You under the influence?" I said "No, I had a few drinks, but that was over 8 hrs ago." Which is the truth. He told me I couldn't enter the facility under the influence and I would have to leave the facility until Monday, when I speak to my case worker. I tried to explain that I wasn't under the influence of anything, I wasn't. But he told me to leave. I had to be at work 5 hrs later, but I couldn't get my clothes from my room. I walked down the street and by the time I got to the corner I was crying. I called my mom and told her I wasn't going to be able to send her the money. I was feeling stressed out, I didn't know what to do. I could've gone to my primary shelter, which is in Bedford-Stuyvesant, in Brookyn. That's a real shit hole though. It's like a jail in there, Over 300 people, 30 in each room. You have to put your bags through an x-ray machine, get padded down and searched just to get into the buiding. The staff yells at everyone, the food is microwaved prewrapped tv dinners. And almost all of the guys there have just gotten out of prison, or addicts, gangmembers, or just plain assholes. I stayed there for a month when I first got New York, I didn't want to go back, it's hell. They wake you up at 6am every morning and your locked out of the room until 6pm. Then the wake up call..Damn. The sound of a fire alarm sounds at 6 am every morning, then the gaurds...Yeah, their actually Dept. of Homeless Services Police, or DHS police for short. The "gaurds" come in to the room and bang there flash lights on the sides of the beds and lockers to wake you up. The loud speakers blare through out the entire buiding, "Attention 2nd floor, 3rd floor, and 4th floor. All dorms must be vacated immediatly. All dorms must be vacated immediately. Take what you need with you for the rest of the day. Take what you need with you for the rest of the day..." This is said over the loud speakers at 6:01am, 6:10, and finally at 6:15. It drives you mad to be woken up like that everyday. I almost could've killed some of the people when I was there. My other option was to rent a hotel room until Monday. I didn't want to spend any money, but that's what I did. I called work and told them I wasn't going to be able to make it in today. I hadn't slept, I was tired, and I didn't feel like being around people. I got to the hotel and watched tv and fell asleep for about an hour. I got up and went to eat nearby. That's when my uncle called, he asked if I was helping out my mom. I told him I couldn't do that right now. I have too much I need to do for myself first. From there I went downtown and saw the lights they put at Ground Zero. I called my mom and talked to her for a while. I'm not mad at her. Just frustrated. I work today. I'm looking forward to it, I think I need something else, my head is racing. I spoke to a good friend of mine just now. I had left her a message about what had happend at the shelter. She made me laugh, I feel alot better now. I guess I should go back to the hotel and rest. See ya. HOME BACK TO "LOOK AT MY PRIVATES..." MY STORY
Last night was a crazy one. Right after I got out of work, I get a phone call, I think it's my mom ( caller ID) So I answer it. As soon as I heard my grandmother's voice I knew something was wrong. She never calls me. She said, "Charlie, it's your mom, she had an accident, she's at the hospital. She came in from outside, she was dragging herself in on the ground." I said, "When? What happend? How is she?" Grandma says to me, "Earlier today at about 5 pm... She just got to the hospital. Your cousin took her. Listen, I've got another call on the other line, I'll call you back." And she hung up! This was 12 pm their time and this had happened at 5 pm? Seven hours ago? And she just got to the hospital? I couldn't understand what was happening. I called my brother, but no answer, I called my cousin who had taken her to the hospital, seven hours later, but never the less taken her. No answer. I left a message. Finally grandmother called back, "She must've slipped in the pool. She couldn't talk from all the pain. And she was dragging herself, she couldn't walk!" I said to her, "So how is she? What have you heard? And... WHAT POOL!? You don't have a pool." She says to me, "I bought one. For Mazzy. It's a small one for little kids." And by the way, Mazzy... is my dog. I was still trying to piece everything together, I was confused. "You bought a swimming pool?, I asked. "For Mazzy?" "Yes." She said, with a tone of voice that left me with the feeling that I was hard of hearing. She continued, "I bought Mazzy a pool so your mom could bath her, she slipped in it, her elbow is dislocated, she's at the hospital right now." "So she was giving Mazzy a bath and she slipped?", I asked. "NO. She was alone in there, by herself, Mazzy was inside the house." Ok, by this time I was so confused that I was thinking of taking a nap. I ask grandma, "So why did it take so long to get her to the hospital?" Grandma says, "We couldn't find a ride." At this time I wasn't sure if I should laugh or just wait for something funnier. "Grandma," I said, "Why didn't you call an ambulance?" This is what I was waiting to hear. She says, "They cost money! We don't have money to spend on an ambulance! I barely had enough to buy the pool." At least I had the courtesy to hang up with her first before I laughed hysterically. Several minutes later mom called, "Hi baby, I'm ok, the doctor gave me some Morphine and popped my elbow back in place. I'm fine." I said, "Doesn't gravity suck!?" She started laughing, I'm not sure if it was from the medication though. She says to me, "I didn't want to some to the hospital because I didn't know how I was gonna explain it." That's comedy folks! Real life comedy. It's too fuckin' funny to make that shit up. God, thanks for all the good times, but most important, the bad times that make my mind so twisted that I can laugh at the craziest things. And hearing my mom laughing after having a bone forced back into place shows me what a fucked up family I have, thanks for giving me her as well and keeping her safe... I know it's not easy! In serious news, tommorow I find out my Police Exam score, I can't wait to get a gun. See ya!
I finally was able to log on to my website today and update my diary. I cut and pasted and entry that I wrote a week ago. I'm getting myself busy again, trying to find things that will keep me from going crazy. You might have to read the enry underneath to understand. I'm working on two other websites: One for work and one for a friend from work. I voulentered to help with a school project. I'm not sure if she really wanted my help or she just couldn't say no. Well I better get to work then, see ya.
I haven't written in awhile, since I haven't been able to log onto my website. This past weekend was a crazy one. I was off from work Friday and Saturday. I studied Thursday all night for the NYPD test. Stayed up all day Friday, then went to pick up my check at work. I stayed and watched a movie. Chris Rock was there so I decided to hang out, then a friend from work told me to wait for her so we could go eat. I did. Then I waited for Andre to get out of work. We went eat at Blimpy's then caught a cab to New York Comedy Club. We went to a bar around the corner and had some drinks. Then we went back to the club, watched the show... It sucked. Drank more, then afterwards I started talking shit at the people in line wasiting for the next show. I had most of them laughing. The owner said to leave before he called the cops. We did. From there we went back to the bar, drank more, I told some girl something about her ass, she laughed, and some guy got mad and said to watch what I said to her. things get blurry from here... Andre said he was a cop, and he pulled his badge. We went somewhere else and somehow, at some point, Andre called his hooker friend. They met us somewhere(?) He left with her and the friend stayed with me, trying to encourage me that I needed to get laid. I was nice for a while, then she made a scene inside the store when I was buying cigarettes. I have no idea what I said but she left. Andre called me and told me that 'it' never happened. He had gotten into a talk with some Puerto Ricans and they took his money, my money. We went looking for them, nothing. After that we went to go eat at an Indian restraunt, then he said he was gonna go do something... So I went home. I don't know how I got there but I managed to pull it off like I had just gotten back from the store. I ate breakfast and went straight to my room. This is now Saturday morning. I slept for a couple of hours, then Crystal called and told me to meet her in front of Barns and Nobles at 2:30pm. I went back to sleep and woke up at 2:05. I called her left a message that I was running late and to wait for me. I got there at 3:15pm. I couldn't find her anywhere. I called her and got her voicemail, again. I caught a cab and she called me back at 3:20pm. I was already on 34th St. She said it was ok, that she didn't feel good anyway. I felt bad. I got to the school and waited in line... a long line. I finally got in and started the three hour test. I kept dazing off. I think I did okay, I hope I did okay. After the test I started walking, and kept walking. I didn't know where I was, I called Chuy and chatted with him as I walked. Then I finally got to a train station. The trains were running weird, like every weekend, and I had to take the downtown F, then transfer to the Uptown F. I finally made it home.. I don't know how, but I did. I slept all night and missed the Tyson-Lewis fight. I woke up Sunday at 11 am and went to work. I felt like shit. Eric asked who wanted to go home, I yelled that I would. I left and walked to Central Park, hung out there for a while, walked back and met Andre at 72nd. We went to Times Square and met his cousin. We ate and took a couple of pictures. We took her to Grand Central Station, and went back home. I don't know what's wrong with me, I have about $40 in my checking, and about $160 in my pocket. I'm going crazy. I really am, I need help. Today I went and looked around the internet for group counceling, and supprt groups, I'm really gonna look for something, I need help. Okay, well, thats it for today. Wish me luck.
Busy, busy, busy. I've been working as usual. Nothing has really gone on recently. Today is Mother's Day and I sent my mommy some flowers. She liked them alot. I spoke to my brother, he's doing good. My cousin past away about a week ago. He was a good guy, he had alot of problems, but a good guy. My mom souldn't make it to the funeral, it was in San Antonio. She said she's sending me pictures of the funeral...It's erie that people take pictures at funerals, and I'm against it, but I'll take them. I never got to talk to my cousin too much. I spoke to my mom the other night and she was talking about him and she remembered one time at a family gathering my grandmother started preaching to him about God. He said, "Hold on, let me get ready for this shit." And he lit a joint and took a drag, then said, "Okay, lay it on me." That's the way he was. A drugie, alcoholic, and a typical black sheep of the family. But he was always happy. God bless him. I spoke to my mom earlier today, or yesterday actuallly. She said she was speaking to my brother about her funeral arrangements. I need to see her. Talk about that makes me feel guilty about leaving home. Okay it's 3:15 in the morning, I should get home and get some rest.
This weekend that past was a crazy one. After work on Friday night, early Saturday, I met up with Andre and his friend Adrian at a bar at Penn Station. Andre was breaking in his new fake ID that he bought in Times Sqaure. I started the night with Goldschlager, of course. I bought a round for all of us then I bought us a round of beers and more Goldschalger. I lost track of how much we had but the tab was about $70, without the huge freakin tip I gave the waitress. I felt good....No... Great. We hopped on to the subway and we, Andre and I started our political battle with the homeless bums on the train station. I ran up to one lady sleeping on the floor and she quickly put her arm over her face to protect herself from me. I guess she thought I was going to kick her. I'm not like that, I just yelled in her face to shut up. Then some guys started being really cute telling us to leave them alone, so I yelled at them and stuck out my middle fingers in their faces. Andre had my back. Andre's friend was looking at us like we were insane...Which we are, but that doesn't give him a reason to look at us that way. We got on the train and I had a great idea: "Let's smoke a cigarette in between the subway cars!" so we did, and we got caught. NYPD gave a summons and we went along our way. It was a long day. We walked around looking for a place for Adrian to sleep and we were going to get him in the shelter system... I'll write more about that tommorow, I have to go back home. Andre and I paid our tickets today in Brooklyn, no biggie! Okay, see ya!
So far this week I managed to spend about $60. I really need to start saving more money. I've been eating out about three times a day and it's adding up. I've spent alot of money! Too much. I hope I don't get kicked out of the program because of it. The other day I went on a mini-shopping spree. I bought a t shirt and two pairs of sneakers. I spent a almost $30! God bless Payless. I started working out yesterday morning. I ran around the resevoir in Central Park. I think I did pretty good. But now I remember why I stopped working out in the first place though. It's so damn hard to light a cigarette while you're jogging. I did see a couple of good looking girls, though. And I would've talked to them if I wasn't too busy coughing. I finally spoke to my internet babe, BM. I had asked her for her phone number and she sent me an email with four of the numbers. I called her a tease and a bitch. I guess she liked that, because after only about an hour of begging she finally gave it up...The phone number, that is. I called her a few days later and we spoke till about 4 in the morning. She's pretty cool. Smart. I like that. She's not like most of the girls you meet here in Harlem. Okay ladies from Harlem, that was a joke! Don't hunt me down! I don't want to see you in my stoop waiting for me to walk down the block. What am I worried about? It's not like if they can read this anyway. I'm really looking foward to the new Eminem cd. It comes out sometime this year. I keep hearing it's coming out in June. But I don't know. What else is going on? Work has been busy, this past Thursday was supposed to be my day off. They called me asking if I could go in to help out for a couple of hours. Being the model employee I am, I said yes. So went to help...For a couple of hours...Had our meetings...That I have every day off that I have....And then helped out a little more. I got out about 12 hours later. It's okay, I need the extra hours, and I was off Friday so I was straight. Last week I saw a movie called "Van Wilder", FUCKIN' FUNNY! Watch it. This week we get Spiderman at our theatre. It's gonna be busy. Really busy. I got a different room back at the shelter. Now I'm in the Penthouse. Fourth floor suite. I love it! I just hope I don't fuck it up. Especially when my caseworker sees my bank statement. I better start typing up a fake.
Nothing much has been going on. I've been talking to some friends from back home. Just chewing the fat. Work was getting stressful, I almost quit about a week ago. The thing is I've been busting my ass for three months and haven't gotten my raise. Now they're telling me that I should wait for my supervisor's raise. That's gonna take another 2 more months. I thought about it and I am gonna stick it out. I'm not in a rush, I'm on vacation. Besides, I'm sure I can make manager in no time, and thats where the money is. Everything else is the same. What else has gone on? I had gotten another camera developed but I haven't uploaded the photos to my files. That's the reason I left so early this morning. But then I forgot where I was going. I've been getting horny lately. I don't know why. I've just been looking at girls everywhere. I guess I am a closet case pervert. Everyone knows I am, but I'm still in denial. I am a sexy bastard. There, I admit it. Okay, that's it for now. I better go upload my photo. Later!
So I was speaking to my mom the other day and she mentioned that she wanted to see me. The next morning I got up really early and headed down to Midtown. To Rockefeller Center. I hung out at NBC's The Today Show studio and waited for the cameras. I called my mom and told her to look out for me. I got on tv about three times. the first time I yelled,"Hi mom!" the second I yelled, "Chico's Taco's!" I had a good time. And I took a couple of photos of a couple who's camera wasn't working. I mailed them the copies. Oh, and check this part out. I was walking back to the subway when I notice somethingout of the corner of my eye, it's a camera! I don't look... I just keep walking. Then right before I get to the corner, the camera passes me and turns to shoot in the other direction. I look and it's Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant having an argument. I look around and I notice lights, and cameras, and people standing around with mics. One guy came up to me and patted my back and said, "Good job!" So.... I'm gonna be in a major motion picture! I hope! If they don't cut me out of the scene. Oh well. And then I'm bragging to some people at work about it and they say, "yeah, whats her name's husband is working on that movie." What's her name is my boss. So, I think I'm gonna have to ask around about that. I also started talking to a girl friend from back home. I had met her at a comedy show a couple years back. We met up again about a year ago at the auditions for a Paul Rodriguez movie. Then again at one of my shows, actually that was the day after the twin towers were attacked. It's funny how you see people here and there. Then you lose contact, then you you see them again. Then...Well, you know. Speaking about that, I got an email from an old friend, Dave. He was my brother's best friend in high school. And he was our nextdoor nieghbor. We somehow did a search on the net and it came up with my name. It was a shock to see his name on the message, I haven't spoken to him in years. I wrote back to him saying that it was god to hear from him. I was thinking, this guy David, he saw all the bullshit our family went through, all the dram with my dad and all, all the shit my brother did. It's weird that someone from my past has found me. Someone that's a good person.
Last night I worked at the world premier of The Sweetest Thing. I got to see all the celebrities with all their jewelry, and the beautiful people, models, and other bullshit fake ass people. But I had fun. I met Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Eminem. I got paid to stand around and watch a movie, I can't complain. There's another one May 21st. Thats gonna be the Jennifer Lopez movie. She sucks, but I'll do it. I hung out and drank a fuck load of soda. Thats about it for now. Todays my day off. Tommorow too, but I have a metting at work. I don't care, I go for an hour, get paid for 4. See ya!
Okay I've been really busy with work. I've been enjoying my cell phone. I got it at the perfect time. I call my mom every few days and on the weekends I call home to different friends. I just added some stuff to my site. More pics. I finally put up a pic of Mazzy, my dog. Damn how I miss her. I started talking to an old friend from back home, V.G. We talked for over an hour the other night and we've exchanged emails since. I haven't seen her in a couple of years. She said she would send some pics of her and her son. I'm sure he's huge by now. The last time I saw him was when he turned two years old. Now he's 4. I talked to Super Mario, he's a DJ at one of the radio stations back home. I'm going to send him a cheap ass watch. I haven't spoken to my cyber buddy, B.M. I don't know where she's at. I'm hoping to add some more pictures to the site nextweek. I have a black and white camera I need to have developed. I saw a movie today. PANIC ROOM, with Jodie Foster. It was pretty good, I liked it. Oh! Speaking of Panic Rooms...I went to a porn shop today while I waited for my pictures to be done. I checked out one of those "private viewing" booths. I saw a flick were two women start having sex with a dog. Really having sex. I mean BJ's, and everything. What I liked the most about it was the acting...The dog pretended like he didn't know what to do. Like he was nervous. Then after a couple of drinks of the blue toilet water, he finally got in the groove. I'm sure I can write so much material about that. That's gonna be a good bit. It was wierd to see it, though. It was gross...But I couldn't change the channel! I was..."stuck" to the screen! WEIRD! I didn't whack off or anything though, I'm not that fucked up in the head. Those girls weren't hot at all. The dog though....WOW! Great ass! I also saw a part were two girls start giving a horse head. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!?? BYE.
Well I've been busy working so I haven't had too much time to write. Everythings back to "normal", for now. I got back into the shelter and they even gave me my own room! The day I got back in all the staff was being really nice to me, asking how I was doing and shit. I don't know why. Maybe they thought I was all stressed, strung out or having trouble with something. Maybe the word got around that I was "under the influence" and they thought I was drunk and fucked up so I could forget my "problems". Big deal. So they kick me out for a few days. I rent a hotel room, order some Chinese take out and relax and watch my cable tv. I've been working alot and trying to stay busy. I've been learning a couple of extra things at work, manager stuff. I haven't had a chance to do anything else. I've talked to my mom and I told her I can't help her out with money just now. She understood. She told me that my "other" grandmother passed away. My father's mom. I didn't really care. It sounds mean, but I really don't. Why lie? I never really knew her and the times I do remember she didn't know my name, or wouldn't talk to me. Fuck that, no tears for her. My father's side of the family is even worse than my mom's. That says alot! I haven't talked to anyone from that side in years. The last time I spoke to one of them it was at a comedy show I was working. Then he was like "Wow, you do comedy? That's good! I'm proud of you! How's your mom? And your brother...Is he still drinking? Well, it's good to see your doing good." Fuck them all. "The wicked witch is dead!" And my other grandmother...I had called the other day and she answered the phone. She kept telling me she loves me. Over and over. And "God Bless you kids." I think she figures that she should be nice so when she passes I won't be so mean. Guilty concience? I love my grandmother. She just can't learn to keep her mouth shut. She's always butting into other people's business. Saying things about other people when she doesn't know the whole story. If she was in the mob, she'd be dead by now. Everything else is the the same. A girl at work is taking up more intrest in me all of a sudden. A few weeks ago I had some pictures of me with some porn stars, nude porn stars, she saw them and ever since, she talks to me more. Weird. But she is cute though. I walked with her yesterday. I got a peck on the cheek. Yup, everythings getting back to normal. That just means somethings about to happen. I better stay alert.
Well I got some good sleep finally. I went in to work at noon and worked till 7 pm. It was an okay day. My brother called me and we spoke about the money prolems going on. He's getting job with Imigration and Naturalaztion Service. That's good career, working for the government, overtime, benifits. I called my mom on my lunch break. I told her I was fine. I feel like I'm in a dream. Nothing really seems real right now. I speak to my caseworker tommorrow. I hope everything goes okay. I'm sure it will. There's guys living there that have repeatedly gotten in trouble and all they do is give them extra chores around the building. It's my last night at the hotel. I haven't really even been there much. I've been out walking around, and at work. I feel strange. It's hard to describe. I feel like this isn't really happening, yet I'm anxious about what's going to happen. I already spent lot of money. I'm not really in a panic. It's funny: I'm homeless, I just got kicked out of the shelter, I don't know anyone well enough to ask them I could sleep at their place, yet I'm not really scared about it. I guess because I've already been through that before and everything always works out. I'm waiting for a friend of mine to call, she always makes me feel good. Okay that's it or now, Later.
March 17, 2002 12:30 AM (1st entry)
This week has been rough. My mom called the other day and asked if I could send her $200. I said no. I don't mean to be mean, but that's the whole reason why I'm here. I always help other people and never get to do anything for myself. I said I would try to wire her some money, but not much. I didn't have to work yeterday so I I had been out all day long window shopping, walking around, and just enjoying my day off. I got a late night pass at the shelter, that let's me be out all night without losing my bed. At night I went out to some underground party with some friends. I had fun. I had a few drinks and alot of cigarettes. We stopped at Mc Donald's to eat afterwards, this was at 7 am. We ate, laughed, and talked about party. Brian realized he had lost his bookbag there at the restraunt. He checked at the register, nothing. He asked a cashier if anyone had seen it. Nothing. He asked the manager and the manager gave him attitude. "No. You shouldn't have left it there." Brian got upset and told him, "Well, I guess since your not gonna help me, I'll take this tray as compensation." He picks up one of the food trays by the trash can, the manager tried to snatch it from his hand. Brian pretended like he was going to give it to him, then when the manager reached for it, he pulled it away. The manager grabbed him by the shirt, swung him around and threw Brian on the floor. Brian called the Police and we waited for about twenty minutes for them. When they finally got there, we told them what happened, the bag, the assault. They said, "We can write a report for your bag, but he didn't assault you. He has the right to use force if you were stealing something." A tray. A fuckin tray. I stood back and kept my mouth shut.
