Voicemails

________________________________________________________________________________

mom calls to apologize.
i live in a homeless shelter and some people expect me to send money home?

here's mommy!
more of mom further down the page.

________________________________________________________________________________

listen to a voicemail from a girl i call "shithead",
she's one of my best friends from back home. yeah,we used to hang out in different parking lots till 3 AM.
she would visit me at the   porn shop   where i used to work at.
she's beautiful, intelligent, and she's got a pierced nipple...
my dream lover, but she's dating a some guy.
i'm trying to get her to send me some pictures of herself...
but for some reason, she won't send them!
i love you shithead. Thanks for being there. that's sarcasism, bitch.
here's "shithead"

another one of "shithead's" voicemails
she responds to a funny suicide letter I sent her in the mail.

   my valentine's day call from shithead

________________________________________________________________________________

this is a message from my mom.
she calls be about once a day. this is what they usually sound like, though.
love you mom!

mom again. calls to tell me she's 'doing' some guy named arron.
what the hell?

________________________________________________________________________________

my brother is 4 years older than me. he used to have a bad temper,
now he just has a bald spot!
my brother checks in to see how i'm doing...

________________________________________________________________________________

here's one of my fellow comedian friends,
dave graham, just saying 'hey'.
here's dave...

________________________________________________________________________________

this is chuy...
pronounced: chewy
he saved my life when i was depressed and strung out.
one day i couldn't take it anymore, i was thinking about suicide.
chuy called me and aked me what was wrong.
i said to him: "i'm tired of eveything...
           ...i'm frustrated, and i'm sick of not having anything go my way."
chuy said: "so you feel like killing yourself?"
i said: "yeah, i do Chuy, i don't know what else to do."
chuy said: "so you wanna get a shotgun, and blow your brains out? is that what you want?"

i stayed quite. all i could do was cry.

then chuy said: "well...you better hurry...the pawnshops close at 6pm!
i laughed my ass off!
thanks chuy.
without you i wouldn't be here.
chuy calls to say hello,
in his special way.

back to previous page
sign guestbook      read guestbook