Eleven ways to meet your lover Jerry Seinfeld once described the date as a long job interview. So here's the question: Do you want the job and, if so, will you be hired? Like most interactive dances, there are many aspects to be considered. Start with the fact that there are three billion men and three billion women on the planet. Eliminating the old, the young and the already busy, this still leaves a substantial potential pool of perfectly precious people. So don't get your panties in a pretzel worrying if the first try will be a success. Here are some road rules: Don't put yourself down in public. The first ingredient to the dating thing is to consider yourself worthy. Translation: If you don't think you're much, no one will contradict your expert opinion. You will put out subconscious messages that light up like purple neon on a dark night � such as: "I'm not very well read," "My thighs need three more weeks of aerobics," and "I laugh when I'm nervous � ha ha ha." Don't think of yourself as bargain basement goods � most people shop upstairs. Read some books, accept the laugh as a charming part of who you are, and keep up the exercise � but remember that they are only thunder thighs to you. Really, truly believe the other party is lucky to have some time with you. This is very different from being conceited or arrogant. It's about being kind to yourself. Remember: Not all dates are contenders for the Big Time. If the first person you dated won your heart, you'd still wonder about the 24 others you passed up. Dating is about getting experience, sampling combinations and permutations on the theme of togetherness. The art of it is to understand that the act of dating is a noble activity in itself. The results do not reflect on the merits of having shown up at all. Attachment seeking is a multi-level enterprise. The first date is the look-see encounter. If there is enough to warrant a second contact, great. If not, the evening is placed under the category, Sociable Experiences I Have Had. An edited version will later become a part your life story that you relate to people with either a wry smile or dramatic rolling of eyeballs. If you believe, as the poet said, that "I am a part of all I have met," you will never consign a boring lunch with Sam the Sniffler to the pile called 'waste of time.' Now, the rest of the tricks are fairly straightforward: Be fresh. Shower, do your nails, wear clean underwear. (Forget car accidents � you may want to drape them over a four-poster footboard later that evening.) Wear sensible shoes. (You can't have fun if your toes are crunched.) Be interesting and interested. You may not harbor a love of ice fishing or want to know much more about medieval wind instruments. But if you are open to the possibilities in someone else's world, you could find new surprises. Or gather data for cocktail conversations down the road. Ask a lot of questions � the best cure for the anxiety of wondering what to talk about. You can even prepare a few in advance. The best kinds are the ones the other person can answer easily � about their thoughts and aspirations. Talk about the weather, not about recent business failure or his hernia. And don't worry about being adept at witty repartee. Too many slick lines encourage one-upmanship, and make the other person feel dull and unprepared. Be yourself. Most people try to be someone else � usually a smarter, more likeable, more compelling version of themselves. That is not to say you need to impart your darkest secrets about that day at the tar pits when handcuffs were used, or provide a detailed list of your worst fears. It means being you, without fretting about your perfection percentage. If he doesn't appreciate this, he isn't likely to end up your ideal life mate. Remember you are shopping here in the beginning, not buying. Make first contacts short. Lunch is brilliant. If it's great, you'll both want more. If it's a disaster, you only have to get through coffee before waving bye-bye to Mr. Grumpy. Recyle. If he's nice, just not your style, invite a friend to meet him. This is NOT an insult. Two fabulous people can make a lousy couple, and it's not necessarily a reflection on either one of you. Breathe. It will help you to relax. This activity is not crucial to world peace, nor will the results be featured on tomorrow's front page. It's just a date. Don't be desperate. Appreciate your own company, and cultivate a circle of friends and acquaintances. If you have a social life, you won't feel that "unattached" is a state you must change at any cost. Dating is just people spending time together. With fuzzy feelings, further interactions are attractive. If not, it's just more stuff for the autobiography. |