page26

The River

Part Twenty-Six: Longed-For Words

Methos was pulled out of sleep by the urgent need to urinate. He eased out of Mac�s arms and stood shivering, cursing the fact that the bathroom was at the far end of the barge. The wind was blowing over the river again and the barge was chilly, which didn�t help his mood, but at least there was light, it was just before dawn. He stood in front of the toilet and relieved his most pressing need, becoming aware of the taste of stale bourbon in his mouth. His next move was to search for the mouthwash and rinse his mouth thoroughly, followed by another rinse with water that made him realize that he was as dry as a summer desert.

He hated the taste of the water from the barge�s tanks, so he went to the kitchen for some bottled water, noticing the fire was mostly ashes and Ash wasn�t to be seen anywhere. He drank the water while adding kindling to the fire and watching to see it catch flame, thinking of nothing other than the water and the fire, knowing Ash wouldn�t be far off.

Methos took another bottle of water and went back to the bed. He stood for a moment looking at Mac but he was snuggled so far down in the covers that little was visible other than the top of his head. He didn�t want to disturb Duncan by touching him with his chilled body, so he lay with his back to him, at the edge of the bed. He covered himself and began to warm up.

He�d been deliberately trying not to think of what had happened during the night, but Duncan�s change in behavior was so enormously important it was like trying to ignore an elephant standing in the middle of the room. Methos gave up and wondered, �What did you do to him, Ash? How did you reach him? He�s responding, talking��

He abruptly broke off that thought, distracting himself with a shoulder that was uncovered and still cold. Before he could reach for the comforter another hand pulled it up and tucked it around him, a large, warm hand that found its way back under the covers and to Methos� chest. A body spooned against him, even warmer than the hand, and a leg was thrown over his, wrapping him in that warmth.

Methos could no longer hide from the immensity of his feelings, and he let them fill his mind. �You said you love me. We were both crying and you said it over and over, and somehow I fell asleep listening to your voice saying those longed-for words.�

As if he could hear these thoughts, Duncan�s hand caressed Methos� chest and he whispered, �I love you.�

There was only one possible answer to this whisper and Methos gave it. �I love you too.�

The hand skimmed over Methos� nipple, the sensitive tip rising to meet the palm whose callused skin was hard and thickened, but smooth. That hand seemed to radiate heat, sending it flowing along Methos� nerves all the way out to their finest endings in his skin, then back to his center where it gathered. His cock stirred, and he thought, �Why am I so helpless at the touch of your hand? All you have to do is touch me and I�m yours to do with as you will.�

The hand seemed to sense the heat building and went to it, enclosing the hardening length, stroking it, causing Methos to arch into the caress while shifting his shoulders until his back was against Duncan�s chest. Duncan moved closer so their bodies touched from their feet to where Duncan�s lips were pressed against Methos� neck. Duncan opened his mouth and licked the skin, then breathed warm on the damp spot, sending shivers through Methos so intense he had to turn over and stop that teasing mouth by taking it with his own.

The taste of Duncan�s sleepy mouth, sweet without the hint of stale scotch, the lips so soft and tender turning hard and demanding as Duncan�s hand cupped the back of Methos� head and his tongue explored Methos� mouth, finding it just as sweet. Their tongues moved in a silken dance that their bodies soon wanted to join, and Duncan reached down and grasped both their cocks, their hardness pressed together in his hand. He stroked them both, the sensitive undersides rubbing head to head, base to base as Methos thrust into Duncan�s grasp in counterpoint to the rhythm of the stroke.

It was so good, but not enough. Methos wanted to be touched, filled, possessed, and he cried out his desire.

�Duncan I need you, I need you deep inside me.�

�How do you want me?�

Duncan moved back so Methos could get into whatever position he wanted. Methos rolled onto his back and raised his legs, opening his thighs, and Duncan knelt between them. He slid his hand under Methos, the base of his palm at the base of Methos� spine, lifted him, and slipped a pillow under his lower back, raising his hips. With the pillow Methos wouldn�t have to hold himself up, he could relax into the pleasure and totally let go. Duncan knew this was what Methos wanted, in this position Methos could hardly move and this was what the position implied, take me, own me.

�How can you give yourself up to me so completely?� Duncan�s voice held a tone of wonder.

Methos was vulnerable, open and naked, emotionally as well as physically, and answered straight from his heart. �Because I need you so completely, and love you even more.�

�Even now, after all I�ve done?�

�Always, Duncan, always and forever.�

Duncan spit into his hand and rubbed it on his cock, then positioned himself and pushed slowly into Methos until he was deep inside. Duncan began to move and Methos shifted so that his erection was caught between them, Duncan�s stomach rubbing it with tantalizing friction, Duncan�s cock thrusting into him, the combined sensation mind-blowing.

Methos was reaching out and up, wishing for a headboard, something to hold on to, anything. Duncan, there was Duncan to hold on to. His hands found Duncan�s shoulders and flowed down his back to his hips, feeling his muscles tense in the thrust, Methos� grip growing tighter in proportion to the nearness of his orgasm. His fingers were leaving bruises when Duncan suddenly stopped moving.

�No, don�t stop, please don�t stop.� Methos sounded breathless and desperate.

�I�m too close, I�ll come if I move.�

�Then come, Duncan, come with me now, I�ve waited so long.�

Duncan closed his eyes and began to move again, faster, deeper, in the rhythm he knew took Methos to the most intense level of pleasure, no holding back, wanting to reach the place of rapture with him. Methos moaned and Duncan had to open his eyes, needing to see him. Methos� head was thrown back, his long neck arched, eyes tightly closed, mouth open in another deep moan as his body shuddered. Duncan felt the wetness of Methos� semen on his stomach, but it was the expression of total, open abandon on Methos� face that pulled Duncan into ecstasy with him. He cried out with every hot jet he shot deep into Methos, the cries muting into whimpers and ragged breathing. Duncan laid his head on Methos� chest and listened to his heartbeat pound, then slow, trying to catch his breath.

Duncan wondered if he could ever allow Methos to take him in this way. It was so hard for him to think of allowing Methos inside him. Duncan always shied away from it without quite knowing why, but he did know that a fear of pain was part of his revulsion. It troubled him. He worried Methos would ask him to perform this act and he wouldn�t be able to, and that it would drive a wedge between them when he couldn�t. But Methos had never asked.

Duncan knew Methos couldn�t forget how he�d reacted the night Methos had rolled over in his sleep, cuddled against his back and Methos� erection had slipped between Duncan�s open thighs. Methos had reacted unconsciously to the warmth and the sensation of skin on skin by rubbing against him. Duncan had been almost asleep himself and he had responded to the pleasurable touch by opening himself further. Methos had been half-awake by then, he was sliding back and forth against the sensitive opening. The stimulation was arousing Duncan, until he became fully aware of what was happening. Without warning he�d thrown himself out of bed and onto the floor, shaking with a bizarre combination of extreme fear and intense arousal. It had taken him some time to calm down, and Methos had been so distressed by Duncan�s sudden panic that he�d never done that again.

Duncan knew he was burying something, something he didn�t want to remember. Something he was going to have to deal with if this relationship was going to have a chance. It had gotten so complicated, all the history between them, all the hurt.

He was questioning himself, hearing the voice telling him this could never work, that Methos couldn�t still love him, and even if he did it was wrong. A man shouldn�t love another man like this. But he did love him, why should it matter what sex he was?

The voice provided an answer. �God. God says it�s wrong, that a man should not lie with a man as he would a woman.�

�Whose god? The grim god who condemns and punishes? Would a loving god want me to throw this love away?�

He couldn�t bear the thought, and all of a sudden he needed Methos even closer. Duncan wanted to stay inside the warmth of him, so he took Methos by the shoulders and lifted him up, pulling him into a close embrace. Duncan was sitting back on his heels with Methos sitting on his thighs, and Methos wrapped his legs around Duncan�s waist.

�It�s not right!� The voice was emphatic.

�Then why does it feel so right?� Duncan realized he was arguing with himself and heard Ash�s voice saying, �Don�t listen, Donnchaid, shut it out.�

Duncan concentrated on placing a chain of soft kisses on Methos� collarbones all the way across from shoulder to shoulder, then he raised his head, looked into Methos� face, and the voices were silenced by the love shimmering in Methos� eyes. Duncan opened his mouth, and the question slipped out before he had a chance to think about it.

�Why do you love me, Methos?�

Ordinarily Methos would have tried to slip by with a superficial answer or a sweet half-truth, but he had come so close to losing Duncan that he had to tell him the whole truth.

�I�d been dead inside without realizing it, drifting, just going through the motions of living. I was interested in very little and cared about even less, the world and everything in it seemed to have dimmed down into shades of gray. I was so old, Duncan, and so tired. I think I was actually ready to die; then you walked through my door. I felt your Quickening, it seemed to run right through me, and all at once there was color again, and feeling, and life. I offered you that life and my Quickening, not sure I could bear to really live again, not sure I even wanted to try, but you wouldn�t take it, not even to save yourself, and then I really was lost. I couldn�t believe the nobility, the sheer goodness I could see in you.�

�I ran away, afraid of how I felt, trying to go back to the dead numbness, but I couldn�t stop feeling, I couldn�t stop loving you, and I couldn�t stay away. I had to come back, although I didn�t think we could be anything more than friends. I didn�t think you could love and want me the way I loved and wanted you, but I told myself I could live with that. You�d opened my heart and I couldn�t close it. I still can�t. I love you because I can�t stop myself. I don�t want to stop, and as long as I can be with you I want to live forever.�

Methos closed his eyes to hide the tears beginning to fill them, then blinked them back fiercely, and asked what he had to ask.

�Why do you love me Duncan?�

Duncan reached up and touched Methos� face with the back of his fingers, catching a stray tear that had escaped, then turned his hand over and caressed his cheek. He smiled, but there was sorrow in his eyes.

�I tried so hard not to. I tried to bury my desire for you in so many female bodies, but it wouldn�t go away. I kept telling myself that I loved you like a brother, that I felt no sexual desire for you, but all those nights of sleeping together, holding each other, well, you know what that led to. I still find it strange that I want you so much.�

Duncan saw the look of concern on Methos� face and said, �Don�t worry. I said strange, but I don�t mean in a bad way. There have been other men that I�ve had sex with, but it wasn�t like this. You know how it used to be, how people had to share beds. There were times I�d share a bed with a friend, and we�d be a bit drunk and one thing would lead to another, but I never hungered after them as I do you. There are things that I�ve done with you that I never wanted to do with any of them, things I thought I�d never want to do, much less take such pleasure in.�

�Since Connor�� Duncan took a deep breath, then swallowed hard and continued, �I�ve needed all the love I can find, and I�ve realized that what matters is the love, not the container it comes in. I�m finally able to admit I love you, I want to make love with you, and I want you to be with me as long as you want to be here.�

Methos was so overjoyed that he didn�t notice Duncan hadn�t really answered his question, but Duncan wouldn�t let himself off so easily. He sighed deeply and went on, �But I also have to admit I don�t know why I love you any more than I know why you still love me. I�ve hurt you so much, Methos, I almost killed you��

Methos laid his fingers on Duncan�s lips, blocking any further words of repentance.

�It doesn�t matter. No regrets, no guilt, forget the past. We start over, from right here, right now.�

He could feel Duncan�s arms beginning to tremble with the effort of holding up his weight so Methos wrapped his arms around Duncan to take up some of the strain.

Duncan rested his forehead on Methos shoulder and whispered so softly Methos almost didn�t hear him.

�Do you really think we can make this work?�

�I only know that I love you more than I�ve ever loved anyone in my life, and I�d die trying to keep you.�

The accusing voice was back, hissing, �Connor died for you, Richie died because of you, how many others will die?�

�Don�t die for me, live for me.�

Duncan clutched Methos tighter, repeating �live for me, live for me,� He began to tremble and Methos thought is was the strain of maintaining the difficult position until he felt the wetness of Duncan�s tears on his skin and heard a soft sob. He started to say, �Don�t cry,� but stopped himself. Duncan needed to cry, to drain a small part of the deep well of his grief.

Methos was reminded of how terribly fragile Duncan still was, how delicate his emotional balance. He could at least remove the physical stress and said, �Lay me down, Duncan, and lay down with me.�

Methos let go, and Duncan lowered him to the bed, stretching out next to him, turning to him, holding him, his head on Methos� chest. Duncan�s sobs shook them both, and Methos held him, murmuring, �It�s all right, it will get better, I promise.�

Duncan could hear the love and hope in Methos� soft voice, and as hushed as it was it drowned out all other voices.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~