The story I'm going to tell doesn't have a tangible plotline, or descriptions to give you a visualization of events. You the reader will be left with little resolution, void of a happy ending, and no wisdom to go fourth with of your own. I would like to share a story that had made a huge impact on me at the time. It challenged my entire set of views and beliefs from society's institutions to my own spirituality, and everywhere in between. For an event to make a big impact in someone's life, it requires a lot of time to evaluate what they have or are experiencing. A person has a lot of time to think about these things at two o'clock in the morning while they're waiting to fall asleep in their car in the middle of some field.
The year of 2000 was a shitty year. It seems so stupid to me now. If I could find a way to make this satirical, I would. Season's greetings were met with a visit to the hospital for a few days, to be followed up with stomach surgery in January. Two months later my girlfriend and I went our separate ways and the passing of a friend in a tragic accident put me in a vulnerable situation. I was struggling with the clich� concerns of a person who had just graduated high school. Future plans, goals, direction, and identity seemed to be major themes hit upon. I was still living at home during the summertime, trying to figure out what I was going to do next. The goal was to move to Chicago and start from scratch. I just wanted to escape my problems by changing my environment, which to my stupidity, usually never works. At the time, my cousin Jake was residing with us until he could find a place of his own. We spent most of our time together and it was only natural that I would stand up to my dad to take Jake's side in some petty altercation they had. My dad told me to pack my worldly possessions and get out of his house. I kicked a hole in the wall and walked out. At 3:00 that night, I walked home and packed up everything I owned and moved it into my car. I didn't know where to go so I drove out of town past my grandparent's house and went to sleep.
Broke and demoralized, I pawned off some more useless items so I had money to live and eat off. I spent my time hanging out with friends and trying to find a job so that I could find a place to live of my own. But I was met with dead end after dead end and my stupid car wouldn't start anymore. Each night I went on long walks to ware myself out enough before I would journey to my bed in the front seat of my cramped little car. I would stare out at the stars and wonder about the future. If I couldn't sleep, I took sleeping pills. Some nights it was too spooky to fall asleep. It was the weirdest time in my life. In a situation like that, you realize that no one cares about you enough to help out. I guess I realized that you have to make it in this world alone. I could've been like some homeless man wandering downtown Chicago, living in some cardboard box. My natural pessimistic state spawned negative thinking patterns which led to very self destructive behavior. I started to become very dissassociative and left behind any ideas that a God existed.
Coming up on one month, one night I went lurking the streets attempting to tire myself out before retiring to my car. I was met by a truck who happened to be my mom's friend. She took me to my dad's place where I found out about my mom's death. After that night I was no longer homeless. I soon found a place, got a job, and moved in with a friend. Things ended up working out in the end. But I still feel like I have nothing positive to show out of the whole experience. I felt abandonment and at the time, hopeless to getting myself out of a tough situation. I think most people would come to appreciate stability and comfort after being in a similar situation. But that didn't happen with me. I felt like I didn't need comfort or stability anymore. I felt like I could tolerate anything after that. In all actualities, I have found emptiness in material worth since then. It helped me see the sadistic aspect of life. I don't feel like I'm stronger or more wise due to homelessness. I just acquired a new perspective.