My two requests were to be taken to Becky's house, and then to be sedated. Now we?re driving the speed limit at 2:00 am on our way to Becky's dilapidated trailer house south of town. My father, holding my hand, rubbing his free hand over the top of mine. We arrive and I ask the guys to stay in the car and that I'll be right back. I walk in without knocking and find DJ passed out on the couch. I shake him, but he doesn't move. I had only been here 2 or 3 hours earlier. I left because I felt a terrible premonition that something bad had happened. I walked on 4th street towards downtown. I had my headphones on listening to Marilyn Manson. Once I made it to the Square, I tried to decide whether or not I should head back to my car and call it a night, or to see if I could sneak into my dad's house. I made my way west, towards my old house where my father still lived by himself. The song "Kinderfield" played through my headphones, and as I listened to it, it almost felt like the song was trying to convey something. At that time, my mother's friend and her husband pulled up along the side of the road and asked me to get inside with them, that something had happened and they needed to take me to my fathers house. I knew someone had died because they weren't taking me to the hospital. I scream at them, regrettably telling them to fuck off and that I couldn't deal with anything like this at this point in my life. I told them to find me tomorrow. I would deal with it then. I crossed the street and kept walking, until a cop car pulled alongside of me. He asked me to get in with my mom's friend. So I did, and I can't remember the drive over. I got outside of the car and punched a dent in the mailbox. My father, grandpa, and uncle restrained me and told me what happened.
Becky and I had been spending a lot of time together and she hinted at leaving her boyfriend for me. I walked into Becky's room and turned the light on. Her boyfriend said something, but I can't hear anything. Everything is white noise. My bottom lip shakes violently as I stutter and force the words out of my mouth. Everything I'm holding in is released and Becky holds me. I want this moment to last forever. Tony (her boyfriend) offers his condolences and I decide that it was a bad idea to come here. I finally collect myself and walk back to living room where DJ lays unmoved. "DJ, wake the fuck up man." I say. He wakes up and stares at me, then he shuts his eyes and drops his head back down. Fucking asshole. I reach the car and tell Eric to take me to the hospital. I can't fucking do this right now...no one understands...
I enter the emergency room and fill out the necessary paper work. I sit with my father, we don't speak. I enter another room and am met with a counselor. He appears tired and bored. He asks me about my mental health history. I tell him its long, next question. He asks how this happened and I retort with "Does it matter?" He wants to know if it was self inflicted or not. Who the fuck is this guy? "What does that have to do with anything?" my dad retorts. "He needs something to calm him down. Christ, his mother just died, can't you give him something?" and he begins to cry. I'm already out the door with dad on my heels.