When we lived in Leadville I lacked friends and mental stability. For nearly a year, I convinced myself that if I could just get through the hardship, the reward of Douglas (my idealistic paradise in waiting) would vindicate the bullshit I was going through, and everything would be all right. We eventually moved, while I was at wit's end, back to Douglas where I thought things would be better. They were in a lot of ways, but old problems were exchanged for newer, more complicated problems. Douglas had its own ways of keeping an alienated youth in torment. Life eventually dealt another set of catastrophes and graduation became the token for another change of relocation. Things around me corroded to the point that unresolved issues clawed their way into the forefront of my life. The farther things went, the more evident that my future was wandering off into the wilderness. Life being stalled, moving became my rallying cry once again. With a lack of identity, I lacked the resolve the personal traumas that ensued. After enduring these events, I finally made my way to Watford City to stay with my relatives. It afforded me some time to figure out myself, what I wanted to do with my life, and to cope with the previous year. Sure it was a stepping stone, but it was a growing experience. Unfortunately, W City doesn't provide much of a social life so my isolation was relinquished by the thought of collecting myself and moving somewhere new. Bismarck was only intended as a temporary stay, but my lethargy and absence of any real problems, I was content to stay there for more than a year. Sure the first year was extremely boring and I wasted a lot of time, but it helped develop me into who I am now. After a while I became quite miserable in my surroundings. Downtrodden and paralyzed by my own proverbial nihilistic destiny, I thought I could tough it out at least another dull semester here in Bismarck. Bad choice. Now I'm desperate and antagonized by everything around me. I'd do anything to move again, but this time I'm trying to calculate my next move a lot more carefully. The reoccurring theme of wanting to move to a big city has always been my "salvation" so-to-speak. But I'm not sure I am ready for that right now.
The Sophmore year of college is paralleling my freshman year in high school. Waiting for the summer, friendless and miserable, waiting to move to the next town. Greener pastures that I soil brown.