In the year 2001, the North Dakota chamber of commerce, along with other state officials, proposed legislation to permanently change our state's name to Dakota. Yes, I'm not making this up. Apparently by dropping "North", the state's image of being a flat, frozen, barren wasteland would soften a little and attract more tourists. However, the proposal was met with skepticism from the voting populace and an unconvinced American media. Anyone remember when Prince changed his name to a symbol, and then changed it back? Alas, we still have the "North" to this day.
Then in a bizarre turn of events, the North Dakota Development Fund and Bank of North Dakota provided a reported $4 million to produce the movie Wooly Boys (2001) (a movie about a sheep rancher(!) in the badlands starring Kris Kristofferson) in order to advance and promote tourism in the state. Unfortunately the movie was poorly received by critics and only premiered in theatres across our state, not even breaking even. Sheer brilliance!
Yes, even the ND powers-that-be won't refute the fact that our state sucks and has nothing to offer. Dozens of tourists flock to ND each year (perhaps to find that damn hidden money in that movie Fargo), while thousands of young people migrate to the Twin Cities in search for better paying jobs and well, more shit to do. And if it isn't sheer boredom driving people away, it's the unbelievably terrible climate, consisting of winters that last for 8 months. That is why I formally propose to change the name of North Dakota to Hell. It certainly provides an idea of being hot and interesting, ultimately wrangling in tourists...
While the locals are desperate for any sort of entertainment beyond ice fishing and gambling on the Reservation, the Tourism Board forges ahead with its most soul-sucking, self-deprecating initiative yet. Raping the proud heritage of Lewis and Clark! And don't forget that Lewis and Clark slept here 147 times (as one Bismarck billboard boasts). L&W traveled through many states, but probably never imagined being canonized by such a dreadfully non-explorable, God-forsaken land. (Interesting sidenote: North Dakota was actually first explored in 1738-1740 by French Canadians, led by Sieur de la Verendrye.)
One day, perhaps a thousand years from now, archeologists will venture to what is currently known as North Dakota to try to understand what life was like in ND circa the 2nd millennia. However, instead of artifacts that give insight into our culture, they'll discover giant statues that resemble animals, all across the flat, barren landscape. North Dakota has a large collection of statues modeled after seemingly random members of the animal kingdom, that range anywhere from a giant catfish in Wahpeton, to a silly 32-foot tall model of a turtle riding a fucking snowmobile (called "Tommy the Turtle", I'm told). Some of these models are even current world record holders. Just take the World's largest buffalo in Jamestown, or "Salem Sue"- a 38-foot tall Holstein cow in New Salem (a personal favorite). Casselton has the world's largest stack of empty oil-cans, while Garrison is the Walleye capital of the world; an achievement they pronounce with 3 large statues throughout the town. If you happen to pass through Pettibone, make sure you check out the giant Hereford bull. While you're out, might as well skip on over to Steele to check out their big-ass sand hill crane. There are many more to choose from, but the pinnacle of tourist attractions would happen to be the Enchanted Highway between Dickinson and Bismarck. Marvel at the plight of humanity in progress as you drive by the world's largest grasshopper, a giant tin family, a covey of massive pheasants (surreal), and the "Eye of North Dakota; Geese in Flight" which escapes all rhyme or reason. This giant eye looks more like a gaping asshole than anything. Don't forget the LSD, you hippie.
