I catch myself spouting this line during bouts of personal hardship; pompous, self-congratulatory and ironic in all its political grandiose.
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| "Regardless of whatever happens, I always try to make the best of each situation." | |||||||||
| Yes, this is the verbal equivalent to a pat on the back I give myself every time I stumble forward into the next chapter of life. Oh yes, Channing! You're doing a great job little buddy! You fight with vigor against the harsh, evil climate of everyday life. You're a survivor, fighting the odds. I catch myself spouting this line during bouts of personal hardship; pompous, self-congratulatory and ironic in all its political grandiose. |
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| This isn't true. Whenever I tell you this, roll your eyes. | |||||||||
| If I gave it all I got, I wouldn't have flunked out of school and ended up in a shithole motel, stealing coupons from work just so I can eat. I haven't made lemonade out of lemons, but I do bum cigarettes then ask you for a dollar. Truth be told, I gravitate towards scenario's as such- the whole "I'm only happy when it rains" model of living. Perhaps it gives me something tangible to strive against, but I've always set the hurdles low. | |||||||||
| In all realities, life has been pretty fair to me. I am the root to all of my problems and not someone or something else. That's a pretty comforting reality, actually. I can really change things around. And as much as I bitch about life being boring, I can do something about that too! Often I get in a mindset that things are more dire than they really are and that I won't be able to follow through on my dreams. However, I'm lucky to have the potential not to live a tragic life. And really, that's all I want...is a chance... | |||||||||
| I don't care if I die a tragic death, I just don't want to live a tragic life. | |||||||||
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| Once school ended, I found myself with a lot of time on my hand. Perhaps too much time, as I stared motionless into the computer for days. I had managed to not get a job and found myself quickly running out of funds from my disbursement check. | |||||||||
| Oh, and I had a near existential meltdown. I mean, I didn't wallow into madness or anything so dire. But I did stay inside my room for so long that I lost track of what day it was. | |||||||||
| Allison started her job at Sunmart and by default became the hunter/gatherer of the duo, while I stayed at home and lost skin pigment. I became a little stir crazy and soon found myself borrowing Zoloft from another person in order to stay level. Although my mood failed to enhance, I found the Zoloft most useful in suppressing my appetite, in which I stopped eating all of Allison's food. I would grind my teeth so that they became loose and would allow pockets of air underneath. When I sucked, my teeth made a suctioning feeling. My libido dropped off the charts and I stopped caring about my math course. It appeared that Zoloft wasn't the answer. | |||||||||
| So as life jerked and sputtered toward worst-case scenarios, I just slept past noon and watched more infomercials til I no longer cared. I had hoped that the problems would correct themselves, not unlike when you drive your car after it starts making funny noises and spews black smoke, and you hope that it heals itself so you don't have to throw away more money. But inaction usually leads to more consequences. | |||||||||
| And in this case, it did. | |||||||||
| I didn't make the best of things. I rarely do. | |||||||||