I slipped into a light coma this afternoon and dreamt that I was visiting the city my mom used to live in. I walked past her like she was an old friend but haven't spoken to in years over a bitter quarrel. We make eye contact once and I continue, and then look back over my shoulder and she is still looking at me. I feel remorse and sorrow for the years we haven't spoke. I trudge forward til I'm out of sight and cry so hard that I wake up. My vision eschewed, blending light and my tears that trickle down my face and off my cheeks onto my pillow. I still miss my mother more than words will ever describe.
Pills and Angels
I had been putting it off for sometime, but since my father recently collected a large sum of money in an insurance settlement, we decided it was the right time to get them removed. It was only a couple short weeks after the funeral and life was getting back to normal, or as normal as it could be in these circumstances. I had just moved into my new home with my two good friends James and Thomas, who happened to be brothers. We nicknamed Thomas, the older one, Rico Suave because of his smooth charm with the ladies, and James looked like the missing link between Mike Tyson and Mr. T...I'm not kidding. Despite the rosie surroundings, I was going through post-traumatic stress syndrome. Also, during that time I was experiencing frequent nightmares that my mom was burning in Hell and often I would accompany her. It wasn't pleasant, and I felt that I deserved those dreams. Unfortunately at the time, I also saw them as an indication of what happened to her after she passed away.
Anyhow, my big day arrived and I got up early and went to the office with my father. They took xrays, propped me up into a chair, and gave me headphones to accompany the Flinstones on the moniter above. Flinstones were the least of my worries. I hadn't been to a dentist for 6 years and had always prayed that God mistakenly forgot to include the set of wisdom teeth that come in around my age. But there I sat, finger nails embedded into the plastic arms of the chair, staring at my dad in horror. I hoped to achieve a morbid enough eye contact where my father would interject and second my motion to be put me under with sleeping gas. Perhaps my dad is of the sadistic variety, like my dentist. They injected ungodly long needles into the corners of my mouth, before the incision. Basically they slice the skin above the tooth open, and pull the flap back. Apparently one of the teeth grew in sideways, so they drilled and chiseled the tooth in half, before extracting the remains out like an archeological dig. I kicked my feet and moaned while the dentist yanked and jerked my tooth out of my head. It hurt more than anything I've ever felt before. I have a low threshold for pain, mind you. I never felt so sober in my life. I crawled out of my chair, got my wisdom tooth hobby kit complete with a syringe (to squirt water into the holes to keep food out) and gauze to stop the bleeding, and checked out with the nurse, who happened to be my ex-girlfriend's mother. My dad picked up my hydrocorodone prescription and we went to the grocery store to get chicken broth, jello, pudding, and Popsicles. I decided that I wanted to stay at my grandparents house because it was comforting. I spent most of the rest of my day drifting in and out of a narcotic induced coma. I had to bite down on gauze until they were too blood soaked, then I would change them. At night when it was getting late, I took extra doses of pills to make sure that I wouldn't wake up in the night. And I fell into the deepest slumber.
I walked into the cafeteria of my high school and some of my friends are gathered around the table we always sit at. People were walking past us and into the rec area where the pool was. I decided to join them, no reason in particular. The next thing I know, I'm in swimming trunks walking alongside of the pool. The pool is twice the size that I remembered it last and I walk onto the diving platform and stand on the edge. The pool is dark and I cannot see the bottom. I close my eyes and jump in. I don't feel water, but I open my eyes and look all around me. I start to sink rapidly and I do nothing to stop myself. I don't panic, in fact, I feel serene. People are above me, legs kicking near the surface, while I climb down, down, farther down, until I reach a black abyss and I am no longer among the living.
The next thing I know, I'm standing on a wooden bridge that is suspended over a valley. Above me past the bridge is an industrial part of a city. Smokestacks followed by empty gray warehouses, a tangled mess of metal and steel. To my left are mountains as far as the eye can see. I look up into the air and they sky is a beautiful blend of cotton candy blue and pink. Suspended above the clouds is a white kingdom that I already know is heaven, and am not surprised at anything that I'm seeing or experiencing. As I stare at the sky, I blurt out "Thanks for all the beautiful sunsets", to my mother who stands beyond me. I look down at her. She is wearing a white robe with a golden belt around her waist. Her hair flows behind her and she is as beautiful as I've ever seen her. "You know how much I love you, mom" I say. I become overflowed with emotion and began to cry. As I look away, I realize the gravity of the situation. My mother comes and gives me a hug. "Why did you have to go?" I plea. "Oh dear, it was just my time", she says in a comforting voice. "Why can't you stay her with me?" not giving up on my part. "Because its so wonderful up there" my mom says with a smile and points towards the sky. She stepped back and ascended towards the sky and we gaze at each other until shes out of site. Everything around me swirls and blends to black and I slowly awake like coming to the surface of a pool.
My face is soaked in tears and I stagger to another room my father is sleeping and crawl into bed with him, the first time in nearly ten years.