"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -Friedrich Nietzsche-
"I can't stand my own mind." -Allen Ginsburg-
Introduction
Part 1
Allie and I were watching the show Cops today. There was a guy being arrested for attempted burglary on another who looked even worse off. The man swayed in front of his captors, teeth missing, face swollen and haggard from years of poverty and drug use, I presume. When asked to explain his behavior, he went on record as saying "When you ain't got nothin', you ain't got nothin' to lose." Yes, candid words from the true voice of America. A casualty of the American Dream. Cutting corners by the only way he knows how. Its not a story of triumph. Most stories aren't. Perhaps he's just misunderstood by society. Aren't we all?
I'm going through this phase of trying to gage where I sit on the scale of social ineptest. Its not like it matters in the end, because either way I'm unlikely to be swayed enough to change. Sure, its probably lame of me for being somewhat nervous how I'm perceived by society, but perhaps my concern stems from my will to prove to myself that I am a pleasant, accessible person. In laymen's terms, I don't want to be a creep.
When I turn on the tube, I see hordes of young, good-looking, fashionable, happy people living in luxury, oblivious to any peril or hardships in life. That's fine, they must be doing their job right. However, my daily interactions with the general public, in all variations of social structures, almost unilaterally consist of a general collection of weirdo's and other varieties of people you wouldn't want to be associated with. Great, so where does that leave me, besides being a total judgmental asshole? I make and hang out with a select few, and I'm quite aware of the disconcerting looks from others when I venture out into public. Could I make friends with any of these collective people? Would I really want to (and vice-versa)?
Will my name be read off from the list of American dream casualties, succumb to an existence similar to those creepy, hygiene challenged cohorts on the bus? The kind that get off at the GTC and head straight to the ABC (porn palace)? Oh America, is there any hope left for me in your modern culture machine? Make me a winner, please!
Part 2
Something terrible deep down inside of me has been growing for years. I cannot describe what it is, but I fight with all my might against it. I fight it by going to college, by going to punk shows, and by meeting new people. By obeying the law to the best of my ability and by attempting to understand human beings to the best of my knowledge. By keeping in touch with relatives and by finding beauty in the things around me. It helps me feel less like a monster, but alas, that shadow grows more and more each day.
Today while on the bus, I saw an older women's crotch! Yes, I didn't mean to, but she was wearing loose shorts and it kinda just lunged out at me. I was repulsed. I wanted to forget what I saw, but its etched in my mind for eternity. My eyes have seen far too much in this life already. I wish I could delete certain images or experiences, like computer files. Like in that movie I just recently saw. But unfortunately my mind continues to degrade further into depravation, and the more I see, the more alienated I feel from other people.
These little things pull me somewhere I don't want to go. Like towards the people I see on the bus everyday. Talking to themselves, marinating in human stink, staring into the void. Creeps. Creatures. Allie and I find humor in trying to understand these people, and take mental notes on how to avoid becoming such characters as well. You don't see these people on television or any glamour magazines. They exist as the underbelly of civilization, menacing the masses, and I swim against it's current.
Part 3
I've reached the end of my 3rd year here in college, only barely securing junior status this semester. The same questions and conclusions routinely followed: My grades are terrible. Why don't I drop out and save face? However, I'm forging ahead with plans to get that degree within the 5-year plan, furthering my debt to the government even deeper. Another horrid feeling is the realization that I'm 23 and still living on campus. I just tell people: It's so convenient, and I like having a meal plan!
This semester was sent off by Allison and I dumpster diving for dorm throw-ways. Our parents would be proud. We hit about 20 dumpsters and found some goods including a killer pair of roller blades and a barely functioning bike, now allowing us to escape dorm life without relying on Fargo's terrible transit system. Last year I secured a hard drive, 8 brand new Playstation 2 games, and a vacuum cleaner. One person's trash is another person's treasure.
Anyhow, what you're reading is the start of something that I've had my heart set on for years. Treading on vice-status, its an attempt to connect to something bigger than myself. This is my first venture into the world of zines and I'm enjoying the process so far. Hopefully I can incite a laugh, or stir some sort of reaction. What follows are a series of stories/topics loosely tied together with themes of self-contradiction, religion, morbidity, and absurdity. Enjoy!
-Channing-