Allison and I borrowed her mother's car to see her father in Elgin on Easter. Al's father, Dell, is a retired English teacher and lives in a one-story purple house, which apparently has incited homophobia amongst the more conservative locals. The closer we approach the town, the more vocal Allison becomes of her concerns for her father's impending impression upon me.
"Oh, how bad can he be? I know how to handle people." I assure her.
"He's not well, Channing" she confesses. I remember the term she coined "...crazier than a shit-house rat." and I've eavesdropped on some rather amusing anecdotes between Al and her mother.
We pull into Elgin, which is the typical North Dakotan small town. One grocery store, one cafe, one gas station, etc.
We go inside and there's Dell, eating a turkey sandwich. I put on my gameface and attempt to seem as accessible and appropriate as possible.
"You're not quite the way I expected, " Dell admits.
"I hope that's a good thing." I fire back.
"Well, you being from Wyoming and all, I expected a cowboy hat and boots." Dell being cordial. "Allison tells me you're going to be a social worker? That's good. That's an honorable profession. I do a lot of counseling." He says.
"Oh really? Like pro-bono work?" I'm confused.
"You guys want a sandwich?" Dell asks.
"Dell, we're going out to eat now. Why are you eating?" Allison says in a perturbed tone. She never addresses him as dad.
Al pokes at him to get dressed so we can go to New Leipzig to eat. I'm told of a fabulous German cafe that awaits us.
"You guys want something to drink? Some chocolate milk?" chimes Dell.
I have a look around the place, scouting the seemingly random articles that decorate the living room. Things you buy at tourist shops or truck stops. Clever, in a Dell-kind of way. Dell comes out in a buttoned, long sleeve shirt and blue cotton sweat pants.
"It's Easter Dell, you're not going out like that, are you?" Al says. Dell retreats back to his room like a wounded animal.
Apparently the German restaurant doesn't take credit, and neither of us have cash on us.
"So are you going to pay for my dinner?" Dell inquires to Al.
"...are you serious?" Al counters. "Maybe if you came up to visit us." We find a cash machine in the town's only ATM, and then head 6 miles to New Leipzig.
Fast forward to the caf�. The names of the entrees are in German and have a number in front of them, so I have to read each description provided in English. I order the number 13, Al has the 24, and Dell selects the number 2.
Dell spends the duration of the dinner fulfilling his fatherly duty of humiliating and embarrassing his offspring. Allie fires back every chance she can. Dell proposes that if Allison pays for the meal, he'll provide her with gas money.
"So Channing, were you brought in a religious structure?" enquiries Dell.
"Actually I was. I was raised in a born-again Christian family." I reply. Dell's eyes light up with delight.
"That's wonderful! You know, if you can just retain about 65% of it, then you're in good shape," he says. "I can tell you're a real 'thinking man'. "This one's a keeper, Allison."
When I wasn't around, Dell was quoted as telling Allison that I was "East-Coast"...whatever that means.
We stop on the way back in Elgin so Al can grab some of her belongings stored in Dell's basement. After a half hour, curiosity got the better of me as I began to scavenge through some of Dell's personal possessions. After shuffling through old documents, I found a lost artifact from my childhood. Something I had forgotten about since I was a little boy. A wave of nostalgia and horror shot through me as I stooped down to pick it up. It was The Beast, one of a series of Christian propaganda comic books that my dad used to give me and hand out to others in public. This relic signified the perpetual dread I felt as a boy, waiting for the apocalypse to come.