My Journal
These journal entries could possibly be triggering. Please be safe when reading.
Welcome to my journal, a bird's eye view of the demons that I fight every day. This page is my outlet, my means of expression. You may find things here that are helpful to you, and some other things that are harmful. With that in mind, read carefully -- this is the one link on my site that is solely for me to express my feelings and needs without repercussions. Nothing will be censored and nothing will be left out. This is pure Marianne, and it's one thing that I just won't apologize for *smiles*
Well, I got tired of dealing with HTML coding each time I needed to vent and write, so I went and joined an online diary service called MyDearDiary.com. To read my journal there, click the link, and search for the author named "Saltwater Quartz" ... that's me.
April 4, 2001
Sometimes I feel like even those closest to me are slipping away. I mean, what is a friendship if its not two sided? What is a relationship when one doesn't trust or confide in the other?
It's nothing.
It's like I'm swimming upstream, battling the current at every bend and turn, and I'm getting nowhere.
Just one more thing I'm not good at. One more thing I've failed at. One more thing Marianne just isn't worthy of.
April 7, 2001
Memoirs of Madness
rushing through my veins like a demon parasite
prickling my skin--
my eyes burn
my breasts flush
my head bursts
my hair slowly singeing from the heat of the truth
revealing
uncovering
discovering
beasts -- chasing me through darkness
their viscious claws and jagged teeth
tearing at my flesh
bloody pieces of my soul scattered from room to room --
the memoirs of my night of madness
copyright 2000, Marianne K. Smith
April 8, 2001
I came home Friday night after work to find out that the priest had been there, giving my grandmother her Last Rites. She is dying of ovarian cancer, and only this week has she taken a major turn for the worse.
My gram has always been my rock, my touchstone, my link to family roots. And now, she's dying right before my very eyes. To watch this woman ... once robust, healthy, laughing ... now so very thin, sickly, the light gone from her eyes ... it is tearing me apart.
Part of me wishes for her passing, prays for it -- I just want her suffering to end. Another part of me is selfish and wants her here forever.
All I can do is pray to God above to help me and my family through this. But most of all, to help my gram.
April 10, 2001
Too Much
Pain --- shivering
Cold hearted windows to the world
Should he?
Shouldn't she?
They are a way to forget
But to forgive?
To sleep forever
The ultimate goal
The pills go down
The sunlight dies
As does the soul
copyright 2001, Marianne K. Smith
April 13, 2001
It's Good Friday, a time of family and love ... and all we have is a time of heartache and waiting.
In the last three days, my gram has been awake a total of eight hours. I stand there, in the dim light of her bedroom, the Virgin Mary nightlight shining an ethereal cast over her pale face ... and I pray. Its all I can do. Talking doesn't help. Feeling just hurts. Prayer is all I have left, and all I can do is hope against hope that God is listening.
I don't want her suffering, and that's what is happening. It's not fair. This woman led a hard life, gave up everything for her family's well being, and this is how she is repaid?? By dying with a horrible disease that zaps her of all that she is?
She's just so frail ... I can only pray that her soul is strong enough to know that it is alright to let go.
I love you Gram, always and all ways.
April 17, 2001
Silent Screams
The tears fall from my eyes
Like the diamonds of memories past
And with each tear more of me dies
Not having the energy to make my life last
Life isn't worth living without his smile
His eyes, his hands, his heart, his face
But still I go on, all the while
Withering in the absence of his embrace
Who is this man? I do not know
I see him only in my dreams
I am so frightened, everywhere I go
My heart will absorb my silent screams
copyright 2001, Marianne K. Smith
April 25, 2001
I feel like that infamous third wheel, on the outside looking in.
My grandmother is dying ... the only woman I've ever loved more than anything in this world ... and my mother and her two siblings are like an unholy, unapproachable alliance where she is concerned. They take care of her, they medicate her, they spend time with her.
I am just in the way.
They act like they are the only ones losing her. Granted, she is their mother, which is a bond stronger by blood, but damnit, they are NOT the only ones feeling the loss!!! All the grandchildren, for "their own good" are being shut out. God forbid we want to spend time with her, touch her hair, hold her hand while she sleeps.
God forbid we want to say goodbye while we still have the chance.
I've been cutting like crazy, in all this surreal life surrounding my body, it is the only thing that is real anymore. My blood, my flesh, my pain. It's like it is all I have left.
