Kathy's Totally Biased Almost Daily All My Children Recaps

Thursday, November 2, 2000 It's morning at the Valley Inn, and Ryan is having breakfast with Leslie Coulson. In walks Jake and Gillian, and Gillian gets all jealous. Been there, seen that . . . about a thousand times already. Meanwhile, Brooke and new blonde Laura are having a captivating discussion about Laura's career as a photojournalist. Then Edmund joins them at the table, and . . . does anybody care about New Laura, or Brooke, or Edmund? That's what I thought. Over at Wildwind, Alex is trying to cheer up Dimitri, so she suggests that they take Scorpio out for a ride. Excuse me, but isn't that Edmund's horse? Dimitri used to have a horse, but Edmund shot him. It looks like everyone on the show has forgotten about that little mishap. Anyway, they go on to have a boring and pointless Thursday filler discussion about Edmund and his emotional troubles. Later, Dimi overhears Alex talking to Edmund on the phone and he thinks that something is going on. How unpredictable. Over Pine Valley Hospital, David is having a really bad day. It looks like the Libidozone did turn him into a werewolf, because his office is destroyed and he can't remember a thing. He's still staring at his hands too. Thankfully, this bimbo nurse shows up to remind him that they had wild animal sex all night. Needless to say, the drug works just fine. Later, Dixie walks in to pick up the rest of her stuff. David starts having another episode and throws Dixie out before he does something naughty to her. Just when it looks like his day can't get any worse, in walks the high and mighty Jake Martin to lecture David about his lack of sensitivity. Wait a second, I thought Jake was at the Valley Inn. God I hope he doesn't have a twin. Anyway, the moralistic jerk leaves, but in walks mega-geek lab technician Gordon Feinster with the results of David's blood work. David tells Gordon that he'll cut him in on the profits if he will secretly help with his experiments, and henceforth allow himself to be called Igor. Then David ran over to Dixie's house and let himself in through the always unlocked door.

Wednesday, November 1, 2000 Bianca is back home and it looks like she and Erica have gotten their signals crossed. Bianca thinks that Greenlee has told Erica her secret, but Greenlee only told her that Bianca doesn't want to be a model. After a while Binks figures out that Erica is still clueless, and all is well, at least for today. Over at Wildwind, Dimitri (the smart brother) has pulled a fast one on Edmund and purchased the property anonymously through his attorney. Narni narni na na, take THAT Edmund. Edmund is so ticked off that Alf pops up again and starts taunting him about killing Dimitri, except he can't do that because Dimitri has already been killed off a few dozen times. Can't we just kill off Edmund instead? Oh wait, here comes Alex to talk some sense into Eddie. Zzzzzzz . . . Dixie confesses to Gillian that she kissed David, then she and Gillian talk about what great hands David has. What the . . .? Afterwards, Gillian offers some of her expert advice about men and relationships and how to string along two guys at the same time. Over at the hospital, David is cooking up a new scheme to get Dixie. Seems he's found out about Tad's past reputation with the ladies, so he wants to slip him some Libidozone and bring back "Tad the Cad." For some stupid reason, David decides to test the drug on himself first. Just when he thinks it isn't working, he starts quivering all over and stares at his hands like he's about to turn into a werewolf. Too late; Halloween was yesterday. Liza is over at Ryan's apartment, and we get to see plenty of gratuitous shirtless shots (no, not Liza). Ryan is trying really hard to get information out of Liza so that he can help Adam with his big incredible dream. Then the two of them start sharing relationship advice, and Liza tells Ryan that "the same thing that changed you changed me." And that "thing" would be . . .? Yes, bad writing.

Tuesday, October 31, 2000 Sorry, didn't watch today, but it was probably some lame Halloween episode. Been there, seen that.

Monday, October 30, 2000 Well, today was Bianca's coming out episode. We start off with Binkie at the gay bar, where a concerned Leo has followed her with Greenlee in tow. SO . . . the truth is out, but the Queen of Mean is in on the secret. Leo tells Greenlee to leave, and then takes Bianca to the only place in town where you can have a heart-to-heart-chat, the boathouse. There Bianca admits to Leo that she's gay, then repeats it about 600 times just in case you didn't catch on. Now back to Greenlee. She shows up over at SOS, where Jack is busy questioning Erica's motives for trying to turn Bianca into a supermodel. Later, Erica runs into this drag queen who is dressed up as ERICA KANE for Halloween. Erica orders Jack to dance with the guy so she can go and harass Greenlee, and he does it! She sure has him trained. Anyway, while Jack is dancing, Erica gives Greenlee notice to stay away from Leo, "effective immediately." Greenlee starts taunting Erica with her big secret, and you're supposed to think that she's going to spill the beans, but of course she won't, at least not yet. Over at the Martin household, Tad and Dixie are enjoying a happy traditional Martin family values type of Halloween party, when David shows up at the the door holding a pumpkin. This is scary? Oh wait, he wants Dixie to come back to work, but Dix tells him that she "can't give him what he wants." Naturally Tad is eavesdropping, storms in, and kicks David out. Then he starts meddling into Dixie's private business because, well, he's Tad Martin dammit. Now for the REALLY scary part. Jake and Gillian are trying to have sex again. Afterwards, "GeeYun" tells Jake how much she loves and cares for him, and she's ready to move back into his place. Wasn't she telling Ryan the same thing only a few weeks ago? Oh well.

Friday, October 27, 2000 Leo and Bianca are at the High School Halloween party, and those annoying cheerleaders are there, and Greenlee is trying to attract Leo's attention with her skimpy harem outfit, and it's just all too awful to sit through. No wonder Bianca is so miserable. Not to worry, because in comes Rain to save The Binks by taking her to a lesbian party. Over at the homeless shelter, Brooke is having a reunion with Laura, who has just been recast as a cute perky blonde. The question of the day is, WHY? Out back in the alley, Jake is still trying to prove that he's a hero, this time by delivering a homeless girl's baby. Well, the girl names her new baby Jake, and at that exact moment you can hear millions of viewers across the country screaming "NOOOOOOOOO, not another Jake." So what did we learn today? We learned that "Dr. Martin is a good man." Today's show is one hour of your life that you'll never get back. Do yourself a favor and fast forward to Monday's preview. On second thought, don't even waste your time on that, unless you want to see Jake again. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Thursday, October 26, 2000 Erica, Leo, and Bianca are celebrating the new Enchantment ad campaign at the Valley Inn when those annoying cheerleader girls show up again. Enough said about that. Greenlee found out that Leo turned down Woody's deal, and now she wants to make up, but Leo turns her away. Same old same old . . . Jake is still trying to prove his manhood by beating up the staff room's television set. Gillian's upset, so she goes to David's office and yells at him in Hungarian. Then both Gillian and Dixie start beating up on David and zzzzzzzzz . . . There was a bunch of filler stuff with Adrian, Tina, Brooke, and Eliot over at the homeless shelter. Then Phoebe showed up with the new Laura recast. Oh goodie, just what we need, another teen girl character. Now that Arlene has been busted, Adam wants Liza to move back in. Liza wanted that a few weeks ago, but now she's all confused again and tells Adam to call her when his divorce is final. Then she walks out empty handed (yes Liza, that WAS a baby that you had in your arms when you showed up yesterday). Ryan showed up at Adam's house looking for more cash to keep his stupid dot com business afloat. Adam told Ryan he had a bad haircut, then agreed to invest in IncredibleDreams.com if he could restore Liza to the intelligent character that she once was. Good luck. And by the way, Adam was right about the haircut.

Wednesday, October 25, 2000 Erica wants Bianca to become the new Miss Teen Enchantment because there is suddenly a global shortage of teen models. Unfortunately, Bianca really isn't qualified, being that she's no longer anorexic. But wait, The Binks has a great idea: give Leo the job. Huh? Well, after talking this over with her marketing people, Erica decides that she wants Leo and Bianca to be the new "Couple Of Enchantment." Bianca reluctantly accepts because she knows that Leo needs the money, and more importantly, you can't say no to ERICA KANE. Over at the hospital, David is acting like a playground bully and is taunting Jake over his broken peepee. Not to worry, because Jake can prove that he really is a "man" by beating the living crap out of David in the staff room. Then, Tad's "time to meddle" pager goes off, and HE walks in and starts throwing punches at David. Later, Dixie walks into David's office and scolds him all over the place, and . . . yawn . . . Over at the Chandler mansion, Arlene has finally gotten a clue about the surveillance tape. She and Vanessa search the house and actually find the thing, but on their way out they are caught red handed by Hayley and Matt. Mateo throws the tape into billionaire Adam's $79 VCR, and suddenly everyone is crowded around the TV watching the show. Arlene is busted. Liza is royally ticked. Someone's going to have to kill Arlene in time for November sweeps.

Tuesday, October 24, 2000 Sorry, had to take the day off so that I could have a migraine. I doubt I missed anything.

Monday, October 23, 2000 Over at Chandler Enterprises, Jake is asking Tad if he can borrow the corporate jet so that he can take "Geeyun" on a romantic getaway. Meanwhile, Gillian is outside in the hall trying to patch things up with Ryan. Ryan tells her that she can't have two men at the same time, and that she has to make a choice, but Gillian doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of fidelity. They go around and around on this for about 30 minutes or so, but in the end Ryan gives her the kiss-off. Finally! Bianca is over at Jack's place, and is having some scary nightmare about her mother not loving her or something. Meanwhile, Erica is about to hop in the sack with David, but Jack interrupts them with a call asking Erica to come home and help Bianca out. Erica comes over to Jack's apartment and has a mother-daughter talk with Bianca, and then they cry and hug and get all mushy. Bianca agrees to move back in with her mother, which probably won't last long, because they have to get their money's worth out of that nice new set that they built for Jack. Back at the Valley Inn, Dixie walks into David's room and catches him in his robe. They go down to the bar for drinks, where Dixie meddles into his business and gets all nosy about his relationship with Erica. Then Tad shows up and meddles into THEIR business, and gets all nosy about Dixie's relationship with David. Zzzzzzzz . . . Leo is in jail, and Woody has offered him one million dollars to leave the country. Leo turns it down. Greenlee overhears part of the conversation and misinterprets it, yells at Leo, then storms out. Afterwards, Woody realizes that Leo really loves Greenlee so he gives him a lecture about respnsibility, then drops the charges and has him freed. Oh yeah, David has some Swedish doctor guys bring him some info on the drug that Jake is taking. Looks like there are some scary side effects, like making his "id" turn all weird. That's some Freudian part of the brain that's going to make him want to have food and sex all the time, not necessarily in that order. Perhaps he'll just turn into a werewolf and someone will have to shoot him. We can only hope.

Friday, October 20, 2000 Feeling under the weather, so made good use of my FF button. Not much going on here today. Jake and Gillian Snoozefest Martin are on, and Leo's in Jail. The big news of the day involves Jack, who FINALLY has an apartment. Yes, they actually built a set for him, so I guess that means Bianca will be living there for a while.

Thursday, October 19, 2000 Greenlee's smarter than she looks, because she's already figured out that Leo stole the ransom money. She takes Happy and leaves, and two minutes later they're all back in Pine Valley, having a drink at the Valley Inn. In walks Derek Frye and arrests Leo for some technical word that means stealing ransom money. Over at Pine Valley Hospital, Joe Martin has learned that Jake is going to try the experimental drug that will fix his little problem. Wise old Joe sits his son down and warns him of the possible side effects, one of which, with any luck, is death. Meanwhile, David Hayward has overheard some of the juicy gossip and wants to know what's up, or in Jake's case, what's not up. Erica showed up at Bianca's school and tried to have another mother daughter chat. Bianca was about to open up and spill the truth when she figured out that Erica had read her diary. She's a little ticked off, and tells Erica that she's moving out. Guess she'll be heading over to Uncle Jack's house, since he's the only one in Pine Valley currently not in involved in a major life crisis or a storyline with a dead relative.

Wednesday, October 18, 2000 Leo and Greenlee are living large on some island with the ransom money that Leo stole from Wade. Greenlee STILL wants to know where Leo got the money. Give up girl, he's not telling. Then Greenlee suggests that they play strip poker, and, fast forward to . . . Poor Bianca is trying to get settled in at Pine Valley High, and what a coincidence, her locker is right next to the snotty cheerleaders' lockers. They're still sucking up to her big time and making her all uncomfortable. Then Adam Jr., world's youngest high school student, introduces his jock friend to Bianca. In what world? Meanwhile, back at home, Erica is really cheezed off because she wants to read Bianca's diary and all the juicy pages have been torn out. Off to PVH to talk to Binkie's guidance counselor. Arlene came home from the hospital, and Adam gave her a polite welcome before handing her divorce papers and telling her to get her drunken a** out of his house. Then poor dumb guilt-stricken Liza shows up from out of nowhere and tells him to leave the "fragile" Arlene alone. After Liza left, Vanessa and Arlene started hitting the sauce, but in walks the ever-suspicious Mateo. I guess we know who's going to get to the bottom of this one. Later, Adam sneaks into the back door of Liza's place and threatens to marry her before Thanksgiving. I may be wrong, but don't Stuart and Marian live there too? Where the heck have they been, back in the attic? Stuart's more missing now than when he was really missing. Oh yeah, Leo gave Greenlee a puppy with runny eyes. She wants to call him "Happy." Isn't that sweet? Afterwards, she told Leo that they'd get the guy who stole the ransom money because the bills were marked. Suddenly Leo has this look on his face like he just pooped his pants. Oops, guess he didn't think of that one.

Tuesday, October 17, 2000 Jack and Bianca are at the mall, and while Bianca is shopping for "private things," Jack starts chatting it up with some PVH cheerleaders who are holding a fundraiser. When Binkie returns, Jack introduces her to the nice girls from her new school. Boy, is he clueless. Well, the cheerleaders start dissing Bianca and make some remark about her ugly Seattle shoes, until they realize that she's the daughter of ERICA KANE and start sucking up to her. Jack still needs a clue, so Bianca has to explain to him that "They're C-h-e-e-r-l-e-a-d-e-r-s," and that they only like her because of her famous mom. Jack then tells Bianca that he loves her the way she is, and that she can come to him any time she wants to confess that she's a lesbian. Liza is at the mansion feeling all guilty and playing back the surveillance tape of the exact moment when Arlene fell down the stairs. Now really, how stupid is this? She works for a TV station and doesn't know how to rewind a VHS tape? All together now, REWIND Liza, REWIND. Adam shows up and she tells him that they can't have a relationship because they're jinxed, so Adam tells Liza to get over it and throws the tape in the trash. Later, Liza takes it out and sets it on the counter, probably so someone with a brain can find it and actually watch the tape from start to finish. Edmund is still talking to his dead father, and is he ever losing it. He wants to sell Wildwind but naturally that isn't cool with Dimitri, so they have another argument. Alex finally suggests to Dimitri that they move to Hungary so that she can have her maternity leave. Hayley has a drawer full of baby clothes that she bought during the ten minute period where she actually thought that she was getting Arlene's baby. Looks like she's going to wig out over this. Oh well.

Monday, October 16, 2000 Leo stole the ransom money that Woody left for Wade, and he's now treating Greenlee to some real expensive champagne in the Presidential Suite at the Valley Inn. She wants to know where he got the money. He's not telling. Then they had bubble bath sex. Enough said about that. Ryan is walking around the Valley Inn lobby in an expensive suit and being hounded by the media like he's Bill Gates or something. Did I miss something here? When did he become the world's most famous entrepreneur? Anyway, Ryan has a date with Leslie Coulson. Leslie Coulson? Gillian sees them together and is really jealous. Big deal. Alex and Dimitri are having a conversation about renewing their vows, but I really don't know what they said because I was too distracted by the fact that Finola is HUGE. Why aren't TPTB making an attempt to conceal her pregnancy? There sure must be a lot of confused viewers out there. So, it looks like they're going to renew their vows in Hungary. What a convenient way to write Finola out for maternity leave. Thank goodness we'll finally get a break from this wretched storyline. Edmund is being taunted by his dead father, who is telling him that he should kick Dimitri's butt for stealing "your woman." Wait a minute, I thought it was the other way around. Oh well. Edmund goes home and tells Dimitri that he's selling Wildwind. Does anybody care about this? It's Monday all right. Yawn . . . . .