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"Today, 27
September, my
father's
birthday... ermmm too bad couldnt see him. i wonder how is he now. Now
writing this blog. Tears from my eyes. So many things happen. Been crying
in my room for so many days. Is this wat i deserved in the end? Hadnt been
seeing his voice nor see his face 4 quite long time. Last heard his voice
was 16 September when i wished him happy birthday. Yesterday i dreamt, we
talked to each other on the phone and he confessed the truth. Woke up, was
shocked, cried and immediately called him. He isnt at home. Where he go? I
wouldnt know. Realised why did i called him? Sleep back, cried. Was i bad
for doing that to him or does he deserved that..? I wouldnt know. Told my
mum wat had happen between us. She said she suspected long time ago, she
wouldnt want me to contact him anymore, so do my frenz. So many ppl been
asking abt us, shocked we were not together anymore. We're not fated to be
together, thats wat i said to him. Behind those stuff he did, he did
treasure me and advice me in some things. Im too blame for not looking how
his heart feel. He misses me a lot when i was busy with school stuff,
didnt manage to go out with him. Our time does not match, when im free,
hes not and vice versa. He would always give him his shoulder for me to
cry or sleep when im really tired. Taut he understand my situatiion. But
why did he do all those stuff behind, finding out from those ppl who told
me. Its just fate that God wants me to know the truth nuthing but the
truth. I knew it im gonna faced this again. It has been repeatedly
forecasted. I wouldnt wanna be like last time, so silly, just because of
him, i carved my name at my hand. Silly me! But if he has the brain, if he
still a uninsane, he will tink. Why did he do all those stuff he did? Wat
does it benefits him? Have he keep his promises that he will changed for
the better? Forget abt those lies he have done, cos i did lie too, which
human dun lie. Forget about those flirt stuff he did, cos i did flirt with
other guyz which he get to know too. I know he wouldnt like me to talk to
his best friend last time,
Azari.
I did. Told him everything. He was always been more concern than him since
i get to know both of them. Indeed, he was jealous of me being close with
Azari. Till then sometimes
Azari
called me and tell things which im not supposed to hear. Kept to myself.
Didnt tell him. Had enuf of life. School had been so sad lately. Where
should my love resides? Who shall i account to? Im feeling very lonely,
even if my frens by my side... i dunno because i just felt a great great
loss in my life. May think im just silly, but its hard cos now is the time
where im walking past those memories with him. I love him so much. I know
he feels the same way to. But why, why did he do all those?? My world
getting smaller and smaller, heavier and heavier. Here blogging, feeling
much better. Wouldnt wanna say much in school cos i had enuf. Recently
received my basic theory result taken on 9 September. I PASSED!!! for the
first attempt. Glad but sad too. Couldnt get to share this news to him. He
said he wanted to take his basic too. Our relationship now is in a mess.
Though i miss him, best for us to be apart for a while or for lifetime, i
didnt know. Still remember last time when i wanted so badly to break off
with him. Said it many times, he didnt want. Now my wish is granted. Do i
regret? Ermm a bit cos i simply lost someone. Not to regret cos we really
need time apart cos our r'ship is in a mess. Why only now i react to
totally breaking off with him. Firstly because the person who tell me is
somebody whom i trust. Secondly is because this is the first news among so
many news ive heard from my fren after saying he wanted to
change(forgetting the first incident he played timer), the news that he
hold another gurl's hand. There was even one time when i told him, i
wanted to call him at home cos he no hp but he said no dun call him. I ask
y...he say later he will called me. Been asking him y, testing if he wants
to tell the real reason. Then till i say, becos he will not be at home so
thats why he will call me. Why didnt he want to tell me he went out? Wat
is he keeping behind me? Im still not satisfy why he didnt wanna tell the
truth. Am i being irresponsible for many stuff? I tinks im not. It ppl who
are irresponsible for not caring for other people's welfare. Who will
bother...so y u bother?? God, help me in this... i tink i really gonna
cried out when our celebration comes that is the coming hari raya. God,
help this heart of mine. Bring back these happiness. Bring him back to me
and let us start really really a new. I wouldnt have cried for any other
stuff except for him. Even he did those stuff, nutin can changed this
feeling towards him. Even if i have someone new in my life, only he can
unlock this heart of mine. How rotten he is, how bad we fight, im still
waiting for him to changed. Arent u glad enuf to have someone so caring
towards you and giving u the freedom u need? Dear, havent we promised to
be together thru our ups and downs? Havent we promised to changed for the
better? We have reached that future we had been predicting for, so wat say
u? I can say nutin but i just miss you. Hope u miss me too.
:: U
and me, we have closed the story book of our life together, broken the
keys and split them into two, never be mended again::
::Broken heart 23 February 2000 - 26 August 2004 = 4yrs 7 mths 3 dayz ::
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