*Note all entries are added cronicological order from the begining of the month to the end. (dd/mm/yy)
(01/09/03) My summer sucked. It sucked so much, I lost the motivation to write. Alot happened alright, but nothing worth reliving or retelling that's for sure. I guess over time, I may include a short story about my summer, but for right now, I'm just going to move on.
Tom is due back in Ottawa tommorrow evening. I can't believe 4 months have already gone by. I'm totally excited about it. And I'm also scared... or not scared rather, but nervous. I managed to lose a lot of weight over the summer. I lost it for Tom. Is that crazy? I didn't want to be fat anymore. I remember back in April when Tom and I had that one on one chat with each other and I asked him what he was most proud of. And one of the things he said was his athleticism. I wanted him to be proud of me and my athleticism. So I started to run, eat healthier, did my best to remain active and shed the weight. I can't say for sure how I managed to lose all the weight, but I did. I mean, I ran alot, and I did eat better, I just can't remember my eating patterns too well. In anycase, I managed to do what I set out to do, I lost about 3 inches around my waist. A lot of my clothes are definitely larger on me now. So the evidence is here, I just can't see it.
I didn't do a heck of a lot this past weekend. I did alot of cleaning, I painted my bathroom, or finished painting it rather. It looks great, and my inspiration of the room came from a rug I bought from IKEA. The bathroom is my favorite painted room in the apartment now. I had major cleaning to do after Dragan moved out. Yes, Dragan moved out. That's a long story and I'm not getting into it right now. Perhaps later... on a day I have nothing to write about, I'll fill you in on the details. But I had to sweep up all the cat hair, and let me tell you, there was a lot! Then I swiftered the entire area and then mopped the floors. I also spent hours cleaning the bathroom too! No one cleaned it since July 1st weekend, and guess who was the one who cleaned it! Me! Dragan didn't do any cleaning whatsoever! Oh well... he's gone. And I'm stuck looking for a new roommate. Hopefully I find one soon, or else I'm going to be screwed. $950 is alot to be paying for an apartment, especially on a student's salary.
My friend Jenny has also come back to Ottawa. She went back to Quebec for two semesters to unwind and such. She actually came back on Saturday. I haven't had the chance to see her yet because I had my number changed, and I didn't have the chance to give it to her before she left. So now I'm just going to have to wait for her to check her email before she can call me.
Well that's about all for now. I know this entry is kind of short and you're full of questions, but over time, I'll eventually get to everything. I may just write a summary of the entire summer... but we'll see.
(03/09/03)TOMMY came over last night! TOMMY came over last night! I was so excited! I couldn't stand it! Let's see...
I got up early as usual as though I was going to work. Got up, took a jog, took a shower, and went to work. I got into work just a little after 9am. I had some things I needed to finish up and get organized before I really, really left. I managed to do all that by lunch time. I called up Marshall to see what he was doing for lunch and we ended up having lunch at Moracco (hopefully I spelt that correctly). There we sat and I went on and on about Tom's return! I was excited, but tried not to think about it, because Tom sent me an email saying he'd call me around 8-9 later that night. So I had about 8 or 9 hours to wait.
After lunch I walked Marshall back to his office and I continued on my way. I had a bunch of new posters with my new phone number on them that I needed to post up. The old posters still had Kevin's phone number on them. So I went home first to cut the little tabs before returning back to the university. I did that and it took about 90 minutes, then I returned home exhausted, it was hot out and the heat was wearing me down. I grabbed a sub from Subway and knew that I still had to visit Carleton University before 8pm. It was about 6:30pm by the time I got motivated to get off my ass and get moving. It was a nice walk to the campus. Carleton's University centre is much smaller than U of O's. I hung my posters and walked back. I got back about an hour later. It was 7:30-ish and I started to get excited, Tom would be calling soon!
I sat around and started to watch Lord of the Rings: The Two Tours before I finally got a phone call from Tom. It was shortly after 9pm when he called. The phone call was short. I didn't know what to say! I was so excited and happy to hear him again! Just running to the phone and seeing his name on the display sent chills through me! I sat on the phone and we chit-chatted, and as much as I wanted to say... "do you want to come over?" I didn't. I just remained cool and let Tom do all the talking. It didn't take him long before he finally asked if I wanted him to come over, I said sure, non-chalantly. He said he had a few things to take care of before he came over, so I said cool and we got off the phone.
I had tons of time to kill before he got over so the first thing I did was take a shower! I wanted to smell good for my Tommy! After my shower, I cleaned up my bedroom, cause there was no where else to hang out in the empty apartment. Before you knew it, it was nearly 10pm. I didn't know what to do next. I wanted to surprise Tom with my weight loss, and the fact that the apartment was much emptier, so I turned off all the lights. Then I just stood and waited... and waited, and waited! Tom didn't get to my place until 10:30pm! I was so tired of waiting, I was nearly falling asleep!
Anyway, I was standing in the front bedroom looking down at the street and I could hear this noise coming down the street. And then I see this figure on a skateboard... and as it got closer and closer it started to resemble Tom, but I was thinking, "What is Tom doing on a skateboard?" The next thing I knew, it stopped in front of my sidewalk and he started to walk up towards the building. I looked at him like I've never seen him before. He was wearing tan colored pants, and a light grey shirt with long navy blue sleeves, it was tight and clung to his body. Shortly after he started to knock on my door! Gidy like a 14 year old girl, I ran back and forth down my hall!
I didn't want to come off as desperate and hungry for company, so I counted to five in the dark before I slowly walked towards the door. I got there and I quickly looked through the peep hole and saw my Tommy standing there in all his glory. I opened the door a crack and peered out at him. I said "Hello", followed by, "Could you have taken any longer getting here?" Then he said, "Are you going to let me in?" I said, "No." and then he jokingly replied, "Fine then" and turned his back. I opened the door a crack, or as far as the door would open considering that I had the couch leaned up against the door. He looked at the door oddly and asked why I wasn't opening the door. I told him that there was a couch behind it. I stepped back and watched him squeeze through. He was finally back in my apartment. The last time he stood foot in my apartment was Easter Weekend.
We finally ended up in the kitchen, in the light, and I was fully and physically exposed to Tom. I didn't really notice him looking me up or down. He didn't say anything about my weight. I didn't bring any attention to myself. At least, I tried not to. We stood in my kitchen and chatted for about 30 minutes. I tried to bring him up to speed with what happened between Dragan and I. I didn't want to tell Tom anything, but I knew he wanted the dirt. After that I changed subjects by telling him about the bathroom. I was proud of my work, so we went in there to check it out. After that, we ended up in my bedroom.
Tom sat on the floor and I sat on my bed. I didn't know what to expect next. I didn't know what to do. It's not like I had a lot of money to do this or that anyway, considering it was all tied up in rent. He questioned me about AFI and how and why I ended up going to their show. I explained to him that I couldn't really remember. But I did say that it was because I knew he listened to AFI and that's pretty much how it all started. I showed him my little AFI collection and then went further on to my Simple Plan CD and ending off in my burnt CD collection of punk and alternative music. It was kind of cool talking to Tom about something he understood and appreciated. I liked that. He told me that he was going to a show tomorrow night (which is tonight). Some band called the Planet Smashers, he describes the music as SKA, which is a regea/punk type genre. I told him that I wasn't into that kind of stuff, cause I had listened to a little of Sublime and didn't care for it then.
Well... unfortunately, all evenings must come to an end. And this one did, but at least over the time we spent in my room, Tom got up off the floor and sat on the corner of my bed. How long have I known Tom before I could get him on my bed? LOL Tom's been on my bed before! Remember? To install my light fixture! (sigh) LOL
I was getting tired and I was already tired so he left around 12:30am or so. He asked me what I was doing the next day and I told him that I had to stick around and wait for my locks to be changed. The landlord was coming early the next day to change them. After that, I didn't have anything planned. I kind of let it open for him to make some suggestions. But he didn't. Tom disappeared into the night like a dream or a vivid memory.
I slept well last night. But I also killed myself working out. I've decided that I've got to work twice as hard to get Tom to notice me. I plan on running again tonight! Twice a day from now on and also working in my sit-ups and crunches, I've got to get rid of this gut! It's totally annoying me!
(05/09/03)Yesterday, and most importantly last night, was very magical! LOL. No, it wasn't that magical. But we did do something we haven't done before! Who's we do you ask? Tom and I of course!
I called up Tom around 1pm yesterday afternoon. I was bored and hungry for another serving of Tom a la mode. I told him that I wasn't doing anything and that I was bored. So he asked me if I wanted to come over. I had class later that afternoon anyway. So I went.
I got there and we did the usual, which was play a game of HALO! Which I hadn't played in 137 days! Anyway, it was a good match. But before I get into that, Tom made a few changes to his humble abode. He got another little love seat, and a TV. He moved his desk into the corner where his little table use to sit. And he moved his first couch against the windows and the other right in the middle of the room. His bed was put away, the first thing I asked was where he slept! His apartment is already a closet and he's got more furniture in there!
The game of HALO we played was fairly evenly matched. It was kind of close. I think the final score was 11-15 or something. Of course Tom won, but I certainly gave him the run for his money! After that, I have about 45 minutes left before my class started so Tom suggested watching Canadian Bacon, which stars John Candy. It's a Micheal Moore film. It's okay so far. I watched the first act. The humour is poltical and some times stereotypical. I had about 10 minutes to get to class. Tom doesn't have any classes on Thursday's.
After my class, I went home and had something to eat. I wanted to see Tommy again. So I called him up again. He said he was on his way out. I asked him where he was going and he said he was going for a walk. So I told him that I was heading on downtown anyway, to check on my posters and such. So we agreed to meet on campus.
It didn't take long to check my posters. After that we went for a walk. We ended up going to Parliament Hill which is were we usually go. But once we got back and around, Tom wanted to go down the stairs. So we searched for the stairs and headed on down. He wanted to walk along "lover's lane" or whatever that path is called. I didn't tell him that it was called that though.
Oh, the funny thing is. Once we got down to the bottom of the first stair case, we weren't exactly along the path. So I told him that there must be a second stair case, so we followed the road down and I noticed some stairs sticking out of the bush. I walked over and they lead down into the dark and then seperated into two different directions. I told him that these stairs must lead down. I didn't want to go first so I told him to get going. He started off, and I started to follow, but then he suddenly turned around which freaked me out. He said "these don't go anywhere!" I told him to chill out and I pointed at some lights at the bottom and told him that, that was the path down there. So he went and I followed.
We get down at the bottom and we sat along the edge of the water on some rocks.
(08/09/03)Wow, my weekend was fairly uneventful. I didn't do a heck of a lot. Just basically dealing with life as it comes to me. First, I had to accept the fact that I'm not getting a new roommate for the month of September. So I'm out $500 bucks that I really need right now. So I've got to keep on trying for October. I'm sure I'll find one. I also need to find a new part-time job. I'm not sure if I'll get contracted out for the school year at the place I worked at over the summer. It's a long shot, but one that I shouldn't really count on.
The next big thing I had to deal with was Tom. I'm going totally nuts over this. Or I went totally nuts. I still love him. I still love Tom. I'm so pathetic. I'm hurt all over again. And this time it's much harder because this might be the last year we have together. I'm not sure though, but I do know that Tom is going back home after he's done school and I'll probably never see him again. So, I made a decision. I talked it over with Marshall and came to the temporary conclusion of just ignoring Tom.
This is how I rationalized my decision. The way I looked at it, Tom left me back in April. He hurted me, and I got over it. It wasn't the easiest thing to do mind you. But over the entire summer, I started to forget about him. I began to live a life that didn't include Tom. I successfully lived without him for four months. It was fairly easy, very liveable to say the least. So that's what I'm going to do again. I'm going to continue on with month five of "no-Tom-living".
I know, I know, I've already seen him, is what you are thinking. But did you ever watch "The Others" with Nicole Kidman? Well her husband left her to fight some war and never came back. Then one afternoon, he stumbles back. They spend an enjoyable evening with each other and he left her again in the middle of the night. Like a ghost. Like a dream. And that's how I'm going to view the 3 incidents with Tom. Very real, very vivid dreams. Dreams of longing pleasure. And I was granted those robust illusions to be with Tom even for a little while. And now he's gone again. And I'll never know when he'll come back. I'm going to remember those quick visits with him as dreams.
Know, you're probably thinking, "Have you lost it MAN!?!?" The answer to that is no. I realize Tom is still in the city. And I do realize that I may run into him. And I do realize that it'll take him several days, maybe even a week before he finally tries to get a hold of me. It could be longer. I'm sure Tom will begin to wonder what's up with me. I'm sure he'll wonder why I haven't called, or why I haven't logged on to MSN. But when that happens, I've already decided that I would tell him that I have a huge problem and that I need his help to help me through it. I'll ask Tom to come over to my place to discuss the problem. Then and only then, will I tell him my true feelings. I'm not sure how that's going to go. I'll probably start of by telling him that it's too difficult to hang out with him. I dunno how it's going to unfold. But I do know that I don't have to worry about it any time soon. I have tons of time to think about how this is all going to work out. I do know though, that I'm not going to use the L word at all. I'm not going to utter the word "love" to him. I'm sure that would tramautize him. Heck it may even tramautize me!
However, I'll keep you posted on what happens. Talk to you later.
(14/09/03)Well... I folded! I folded! Alright? I can't survive without Tom in my life. I had a long and hard decision yesterday. I must of spent about 2 hours pacing trying to figure out things. I really had to decide what would be best for the both of us. I needed to figure out if it was worth telling Tom anything! Or is better that I just hide and endure the pain as it comes? Either way I went, I was going to get hurt in the end.
I thought about it and thought about it. And I came to the painful conclusion of just hiding my feelings. Or trying me best to do so, because I needed Tommy in my life. Even if it is just for the next 8 months. I'm not sure what the summer holds for me or the next year. Maybe I'll be graced with an additional four months, I don't know. I do know that it's going to be difficult to say good bye when he finishes school and returns home. But that's not the only pain I have to look forward too, it's the possibility of Tom dating that's really going to tear me apart. But I've sucumbed to my fate and decided to just enjoy every lasting day that I do have with Tom. Because for right now, Tommy is mine. And I might as well stop dreading it all away and make the most of it.
So I called him. After all that thinking and debating with myself, I called him. I couldn't wait any longer! I need a little Tommy... which funnily enough, I got! LOL Okay, I'll tell you what happened!
I called Tom around 7ish or so. We talked for a bit, first I kind of drilled him about why he hasn't called me! He didn't really give me an answer. At least not one that I noticed. But it really bugs me when he doesn't call me! We chatted on the phone and he basically caught me up with what he's been up to. Like, he joined some flag football game thing. Oh! And remember when I ran into him in the hall and I tried not to notice him! Well, he brought that up! He said he would have gotten up and ran after me, but he decided not to. After a 20 minute conversation about of course, school, he finally suggested that we go and watch a movie. He got on line and we decided to watch Pirates of the Carribean! He also wanted to eat. I told him that I wasn't hungry and we decided to meet at Billing's Bridge.
I met Tom at Billing's at 8pm sharp. We both got there at the same time. Which is unusual considering he's always waiting for me. (Oh wait, I have to tell you what I was wearing, not that it's truly important, but I wore my Tommy Jeans, and a Fox Racing t-shirt. I had it tucked in cause I wanted to look as thin as possible.) So anyway, we get there, and Tom is wearing tan kakhi type pants and a black ACS or ASC t-shirt. We start walking and he FINALLY mentions something about my weight! It was a reliefe! I mean how skinny did I have to get for him to notice?
We were walking towards Bank Street and he brings up the whole "hallway" incident where I didn't see him. He said, "You know? I didn't first recognize you when you walked by." And I said, "Really?". And he said, "Yeah, you really lost a lot of weight eh?" And then I said, "Oh, you noticed?"
The conversation turned on that for a bit. He asked me how much I lost and I didn't really know. I told him that I haven't weighed myself to really know. I did tell him how much I lost in inches, since that was pretty much what I was able to keep track of. Which was about 3 inches around my waist, and 2 inches around my chest. It doesn't sound like a lot when I say it like that does it? But I know I lost a lot of weight cause my clothes tell me so. No... my clothes don't talk to me! They are just bigger on me.
I had to go to the bank before we went to McDonald's, and on the way there Tom tells me that he joined up for the foot patrol thing. Which is what I wanted to do! I was going to ask him about it when he got back. Looks like he beat me too it. So I told him that I'd go in on Monday to sign up too! I hope we get to work together! In either case, it'll be good on my resume if I want to get a security guard job down the road.
We finally get to McDonald's and I decided to eat something. I got a cheeseburger happy meal. Now, this is where I got my little piece of Tommy! The happy meal came with a toy, some little boy/guy action figure. And the odd thing was, it's pants were removeable. It's all made of plastic... let me see how can I describe this? The pants come in two pieces, a back piece and a front piece. The front piece has a string attached to it with a cross-bow thingy at the other end. The action figure itself was holding a "big gun" that you could but the cross-bow into. And there is a lever on the guys back that you can press and it shoots off, but not without taking the guy's pants with it. It's kind of wierd, that toy.
Anyway, we are well on our way to the theatres, on the bus and I take out my little toy and start playing with it. I was sitting down in front of Tom and he was standing. I looked at it closely and then realized how close in ressemblance this toy has to Tom. So I mentioned it out loud. At this time of night, the bus wasn't overly packed, an old lady sat behind where Tom was standing and a young girl behind the old lady. Anyway, it was kind of funny and cute and both ladies just smiled. Then Tom made the comment about the ears on the little guy, and I had to laugh and agree. "Hey, you're right, it does have your ears." Tom just laughed.
In the theatre, I continued on with the toy. The pants where off and I was checking out the guys boxers, which were an aqua color with white polka-dots. I showed Tommy and asked him, "who wears polka-dot boxers anymore?" Tom laughed and said, "I've actually got a few pairs". HOT!
The movie was okay, and I didn't sit next to Tom. I should have, but I didn't. I love hearing him laugh when something was funny. I tried and looked at him throught out the movie. But I didn't do too much of that. After the movie was over we left. We hopped on the bus and I tried to pick a seat that we could sit across from each other. So I sat in the little joining section of the bus. And what does Tom do? He sits right next to me. Isn't that just cute? I could have picked a better seat if he was going to do that.
Tom didn't come over afterwards. I didn't think he'd want to. He was yawning ever 5 seconds. It probably wasn't a good idea anyway. I should be monitoring the amounts of Tommy intakes. I got off the bus at Billing's Bridge and walked home alone. I really wished Tommy was walking next to me. (sigh) Oh well eh? And that's pretty much it! I watched an episode of Friends and crashed.
OH! Just as I was going to sleep, guess what I remembered! I left my little Tommy action figure in the theatre cup holder! I'm so heart broken! Now I have to go back and see if anyone found it! That's all folks!
