*Note all entries are added cronicological order from the begining of the month to the end. (dd/mm/yy)
(02/05/05) Okay, so here I am again. I'm going to try and write down my entire summer in my journal. I did a fairly good job last summer I think, I just can't seem to write for the month of August. The same thing with the previous attempt. Anyway, I'm going to try to write it all down here. Although, to tell you the truth, there doesn't seem to be anything or anyone in my life that's going to make my summer interesting. I mean, there's no Tom and no Paul. I know, I know, you're probably thinking, who's Paul? Well, I think that's what I'll be busy with this summer. I'm going to have to try and catch you all up with what's happening in my life. So, let's start with Paul.
Paul was actually my professor for a modern philosophy class that I took this past semester. Oh Paul! He's absolutely sexy and hot and intelligent. He's a really good dresser and has a good body too. I think he's a runner. Let's see, what does he look like? Hmmm, he's about 6 feet tall, if not 6'1". He's in good shape, so I'm going to guess that he has a waist size of either 32 or 33. I hardly doubt he has a waist size of 34. I'm pretty bad at measuring waists anyway. The course I had Paul for was a year long course. So I had the opportunity to hang out with him for an entire year which ended up being the best class that I ever had.
Paul is amazing. A very interesting person, someone that I would love to get to know, but didn't. You know me, too shy! At the beginning of the year, he wore dressy clothes, like suits and stuff. Which he looked hot in. But near the winter, he started to wear more jeans and sweaters, which is cool. But when the spring came around again, he kept on wearing jeans. So I never did get to see him dressed up again. He would wear these two pairs of pants that I really liked. They were a dark grey and black dress pant of the same style. The hugged his round ass nicely and really made his thighs look good too! He wore them every now and then until it got too cold.
What else can I tell you about Paul? Well, he has brown eyes I think, if not hazel. He has short dark brown hair, which is starting to turn grey. I'm not sure how old Paul is. I could never figure it out. Judging by his life experiences, and the fact that he's a professor, I'm guessing that he's in his mid-forties. But he looks great for his age. I've never seen his chest, but I think he's a furry one. He has hairy arms, and I thought I got a glimpse of some chest hair sticking out near the neck of his shirt.
Paul is smart and funny. He's motivating and inspiring. He knows how to speak to students, and get them interesting theory and philosophy. I don't know how he does it, but he really knows how to make theory and philosophy fun! I really enjoyed it. Well, I'm not going to sit here and praise him until the cows come home. I do realize that he can't be all that perfect. I get the sense that he can be strict and a little mean if someone where to test his patience. He hides his stress and anger fairly well. I say that because he always seems up-beat, which may mean that he pushes certain things aside to maintain a happy-go-lucky aura. Maybe he's a sagittarius like me? lol. What if?
So is Paul gay? Unknown. I'm not sure. He never spoke of a wife or girlfriend the entire school year! He has spoken of a 'friend' a few times that he hangs out with. Someone he does stuff with, like skating on the canal or something. He spent the holiday's with his brother in Vancouver, which again was a story that was wife-less. He's politically correct, so he always used vague phrases like 'partner' when refering to someone's spouse. He has a pride pin on his door, but that usually doesn't mean anything, a lot of professors have those on their doors. So, all in all, without over projecting - I can't honestly say if he is gay or not. I just hope that he is.
Paul would make a perfect boyfriend for me because he seems to be the kind of guy that would take of someone that he loves. Plus he's a professor, so we'd always have good conversations. Plus he would be teaching me things in the process, and I can't tell you how much I'd appreciate that. He would also motivate me and inspire me to keep on learning, we'd learn together! Paul is the epitome of masculinity. He's so manly. Which I totally love! Oh, I can just imagine an evening in at home, we'd sit on the couch probably watching a movie, or listening to some classical music, and we'd be spooning on the couch, him behind me with his arms wrapped around me - protecting me - and saying something brillant. Wow! Yep, that's how badly I've falling for my professor. But enough about him, I'm sure you're bored death about him already!
So? What can I bore you with next? How about I summarize who's all left in my life. I'll start with those who are, that always seems to be the easier of the two lists. Let's see, I still hang out with (and in no particular order): Christine, Joe, Joshua, Kevin, Marshall, Rob, Rod, and Sarah. I still see from time to time, Eric, Ericka, Jenny, and Roisin. AND, of course, there are a few new peeps in my life too. So? Where do I go from here? Ah, okay, I got it.
Christine I'll just catch you up on the latest! Christine and I still hang out from time to time. Not as much as we use to because she finished school over a year ago. But we try to get together to do stuff whenever we can. Well since I've finished with school we have already gotten back together to do stuff. Just the other week we got together for dinner and a movie. We went Mexi-cali Rosa's for dinner. It's my new favorite restaurant because they serve vegetarian everything there. Or, rather, it is much easier for them to make vegetarian dishes. Oh yeah, at the beginning of the year, that was one of my new year's resolutions. To eat more beans, which naturally means, to eat less meat. And I must say, it's been working rather well! I've hardly eaten any meat this year so far. I hope by the end of the year, I would have completely weaned myself off of chicken and tuna, which were practically the only meats I allowed myself to eat anyway. Anyway, I'll you more about that later.
Christine and I got together which was probably the first time since New Year's I think, actually no, we got together for another before, but the point being, we've barely seen each other this year. She's a funny girl, she recently bought this old car from one of her uncles. It's like a brand new mid-80's car that was hardly ever used. So it's in like mint condition, but it's soooo retro. She nicked named it Ginnette, a supposed girl version of Gino, I dunno, it's her term. Anyway, I got to ride in it when we went to see a movie about a month ago. For the life of me, I can't remember what that was. Oh wait, it was Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. Which was cool and funny. Anyway, back to the other week. We went to Mexi-cali Rosa's, basically caught up with each other and talked crazy like we always do. Then we went to South Keys to watch The Interpretor with Nicole Kidman. That movie turned out to be really good! The only thing is, we had to sit up at the front, which wasn't the greatest, but wasn't horrible either. We were going to go to Leigh's for his grad party. But it was raining out so we decided not to. It just wasn't the greatest night to be out and about in. So I just stayed in.
Anyway, in the upcoming near future Christine and I plus another friend of ours, I'm sure I've mentioned her before; are going to have brunch this up coming weekend at Casino du Lac Leamy. They do a really good brunch there! Kevin and I went there a few weeks ago after it was suggested to me.
Kevin and I finished off another season of curling together. This was my second year playing. It's a good sport, I would like to get more play time in the future. I would also like to play competitively too next year. I think I've gotten pretty good. Last year I played lead, and was bumped up to second. I hope to make vice some day, but I'm still learning about the sport and I think I'm a few years away from that yet. Anyway, Kevin and I hardly do anything throughout the year because we see each other at least once a week. But in the summer time, we usually get together for the occasional pint. He even suggested that we should go play some darts, which is something that I haven't done in such a long time.
Anyway, Kevin and I went to the Casino for brunch, and it was really good. Plus the waiters are HOT too! They are sooo formally dressed too. Besides, the casino simply has HOT guys working there. I could spend all day there staring at them, and there round asses! LOL. I want to go back again, they have a good selection of food! They have several kinds of eggs, an lots of fruit and deserts and some salads. Plus they have a fountain of chocolate there too! It's true. Anyway, Kevin and I usually get together for the odd activity, but point being, he's still a fixture in my life.
Rob and Joe These two guys are still around. I've known Joe for as long as I bore the emotional scars that Tom gave me. So that's a bit of a reminder when I see Joe. Speaking of which, Joe and I spent some time together this weekend. Rob is away in Colorado on business, so I took the opportunity to hang out with Joe. We got together for some dinner and a movie! We went to East Side Mario's where I fell in love like three times! LOL My gawd, my hormones were crazy that night! I couldn't contain my erection nor my drooling! First of all, the bartender there! Was HOT! Completely HOT! He's what my fantasies are made of. Joe wasn't into him and said he wasn't into 40 year old guys! But this guy didn't look that old. Granted he was older than the two of use, but I would say the guy was in his mid-30's. But he had a body to die for! And his ass was smokin'! He had on the East Side Mario's black polo on, and a pair of snug fitting black dress pants; which really showed off his ass. I just sat there staring at his ass everytime he was in front of me. He never bent down to give me a really good look, but at least I got to see his ass from where I was sitting. He had nice broad shoulders and big arms too. Muscular, which I don't normally go for, but he was pretty hunky.
Our waiter was something else too. Much smaller than the bartender and his name was Jamie. He was absolutely adorable! Joe didn't like him either. But Jamie has beautiful curly brown hair. A boyish face with a little up-turned nose. He has nice little brown eyes, and also had an ass that you could bounce a dime off of! I couldn't keep my eyes off of him either, and I'm so glad we got him to serve us rather than some of the other not-so-good-looking guys there.
And finally, the third reasonably attractive guy looked italian or something. I also think he was a host or manager or something, he seemed to stand around a lot and he didn't serve anyone. He was about my height, also had wave/curly dark hair. He had a very handsome and manly looking face, and glasses. The only thing odd about this bloke was that he had small (or skinny) legs. He had the broad shoulders, but was very bottom small. Which made him look a little odd. Anyway, those were the three guys that stole my breath away. Joe knew I was in my heyday. The food was okay at East Side Mario's but my stomach was acting strange all day, so I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have. After dinner we watched a movie called Saraha or something? It was only an okay movie. Not really my thing, but Joe wanted to watch it so I didn't argue with him.
Rob and I have seen better days, let me tell ya. He ignored me for about a month because he has issues dealing with stress. I'm not one for excusses, but his was a big ole fat one! He's a very anal and perfectionist type guy - but that's no excuse to shut someone out of your life. Needless to say, I was greatly offended. Plus he knows how strongly I feel about this type of behaviour, and he goes and does it to me. He's got some making up to do. He's kind of started, but it's slow going. I'll make sure he'll make it up to me this summer.
Joshua and I still chat from time to time. Considering he lives in another city, we've been keeping in touch rather well. We call each other and send each other emails. I've been to Montreal to visit him and he's done the same too. Although he made a much bigger visit than I did. He came to Ottawa during my March break and spent a few days, which was really nice of him. We went out to the LookOut and had a few drinks and chatted with this older guy who I couldn't exactly tell if he was interested in me or Joshua? But Joshua claims that he was intersted in me. This guy seemed okay, but nothing happened that evening. After the LookOut, we went to this place call Helsinki. I guess it was "gay" night or something? We ended up staying there until the end of the night. Joshua and I drunk when all night. After that we went to some guy's place to hang out then we caught a cab back to my place.
Joshua was suppose to get up early so he could catch a bus back to Montreal, but he ended up sleeping in. We actually ended up staying in bed all day. I watched a few movies while he slept most of the day. We watched a number of things that day, even Jem, which Rob burnted to DVD for me. We ordered in Pizza and literally stayed in bed. I was tired and I napped with him all day. We went back to sleep and Joshua said he would go back the next day.
The next day we rolled out of bed and went for breakfast at Denny's. Speaking of which, you know who I no longer see there? Keith. Remember him? He was a really cute blonde hair guy with an amazing ass! My gawd, I must be a total ass man. That's all that I think about! LOL. Anyway, I've gone to Denny's now and then, but whenever I go, I don't see Keith there anymore. He must of moved on to better things I guess. Anyway, after breakfast, Joshua and I went back to Billing's Bridge and from there he caught a cab to the bus station. I want to go visit him more this summer. I'm considering making a few trips this summer. I mean, it's only two hours away, so I should go there more often. Anyway, that should make for some very exciting journal material eh?
Marshall has truly been a backbone in my life. I'm dependent on him like he's a family member. We always hang out together. We still make out traditional trips out to Nickel's for that HUGE celine chocolate cake. Although, recently, it's becoming more and more difficult to eat the whole thing. Plus, we don't go as much as we use to cause we are both trying to loose some weight. Marshall has recently met someone, which has robbed me of some precious quality time with him. But he's totally and completely understanding of my attentative needs. He makes time for me, which I truly appreciate. It's nice. I havn't met this guy yet, but Marshall is going to plan something soon.
Rod is back in my life again. But I knew that was going to happen. I've known him far too long for him to permanently step out of my life. He apologize in his own way for the wrong he's done. Moreover, he's also cut back on the drinking. He's not as bad as he use to be. He actually quit for a bit there, but started enjoying the occasional night out. But I think he has a grasp on things this time round. He realizes he has a problem and does what he can to avoid it. At least he doesn't beat himself up over it if he fails. We went and watched a movie last night. We watched the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was a really weird movie. Since we went to the late show, I was a bit tired to stay focused near the end of it. I was trying not to doze off, which I didn't, but I think I lost some clarity in terms of how the movie concluded. It was wierd and funny too!
Sarah is someone that I'm practically dating, which should be stopped. We do almost everything together and everyone thinks we're a couple anyway. She's a great girl and I met her in the fall, the same year that Tom dumped and abandoned me. She was a good replacement. She filled a great hole that both Rod and Tom created in my life. She was a true pal, someone fun to tease and hang out with. She doesn't know about me, but it still hasn't stopped me from acting ambiguously undefined. Should I tell her? That's the most frequently asked question. Moreover, most coercively suggest that I should tell her. But that will just hurt her in the end no? To feel unattractive or something? Anyway, if I knew that I was really causing her any kind of harm, I would do... something. But enough about her, I'm sure you'll end up hearing more about her later on.
Well, those are the staple people in my life. They haven't let me down after all this time. Or in the very least, haven't done enough to me to run them out of my life. They are in essence, my friends. As I mentioned above... way up above somewhere, I do hang out with other people. From time to time I see Eric, Ericka, Jenny, and Roisin. Eric recently started dating this guy named Alan who is absolutely adorable. They are a perfect match. Anyway, I'm sure I've mentioned Eric before, he's a friend of Joe's. Anyway, just to quickly refreshen your memory, Eric is about my height, with blonde hair, on the skinny side. He works at a hospital and is rather intelligent and articulate. He's a really interesting person, so interesting in fact, that I could have seen myself dating him if I was attracted to blondes that is. But there's something else about Eric that just didn't click with me. He's more suited to be my friend than anything else. He's really cool and we've gotten a bit closer over the past year.
Anyway, recently he started to date this guy named Alan. Alan lives in Kingston, which is less then 2 hours away. I first met Alan about 2 weeks ago. Rob, Eric, Alan, and myself went out for dinner at Monkey Joe's. Alan is a little shorter than Eric, and has dark brown, almost black hair. He has a cute smile, and is very boyish in nature. Then again, that might be in part because he's 25. Which is really cute about him, cause the other three of us are over 27. I remember, he was saying how he despised 19 year olds or early 20 year olds in movie theatres and how they act mature but really aren't. I quickly added and spoke to Rob and Eric, "yeah, don't you hate it when some mid-20 year old thinks he's mature like a late 20 year old, when they're just kids still?" It was funny and Alan's response was really cute too. He actually said: "aw". Not too many people actually verbalize that expression. I guess you had to have been there.
If for whatever reason you're thinking... "I think someone has a crush on Alan"... your not too far off. He is cute! And I would totally date someone like Alan! Why can't I meet someone like him? :(
Anyway, after dinner at Monkey Joe's, we went to watch the Amityville Horror. It was an okay movie, not the greatest remake in the world. For the life of me, I can't seem to understand why they remade it in the first place. The original was pretty cool... a little long, but that's when acting was acting. At least that's how I see it.
Ericka and I still chat too. We have been chatting more and more lately actually. She was going out with this girl for over a year, but they recently broke up. I haven't asked her why yet. It's been about 3 weeks now, so I'm sure Ericka is about ready to talk about it. I went to a birthday party with Ericka back in February. I got so wasted! Totally drunk. I puked outside of the cab when I got home that night. And I didn't remember at the time, but when I woke up the next morning, I found a trail of my clothing to my bedroom from the front door! LOL I heard Jordan in the morning chuckling at the sight. Well it was funny, my sweater and shirt were at the front door, my belt in the dinning room, and my jeans in the hallway. I'm quite the stripper when I'm drunk.
Anyway! Back to the story at hand. It was a fun party, but I felt so terribly out of place, but then again, maybe it was because I haven't been around a bunch of gay people like that in like forever. I did meet this lawyer guy, not cute by the way, how gave me his number. He claims he knows some people. So what they hay, I'll give him a shout this summer and see what's up with that. Another time out with Ericka was at another person's birthday party. There were some cute guys there that night. Especially this one guy wearing this little brown baseball cap. He was soooo straight looking and cute. I'm sure he wasn't interested in me. Anyway, Ericka and I didn't stick around the party too long, and we made our way down to the Edge. It's a new gay bar that opened up where AWOL use to be. It's on the corner of Bank and Sparks. There wasn't much there either. There was this one really HOT guy though. He had on a red adidas jacket and red baseball cap. He had hair like a hockey player! He looked absolutely straight and out of place as though he didn't know he was in a gay bar. I tried to keep my eyes on him, but I ended up loosing him in the crowd. Ericka got too drunk and was in her own little world. I didn't stay for long there either, so I made my way home to bed. I didn't drink a think that night, I just wasn't into it.
Well it was shortly after that party that Ericka and her girlfriend broke up. And that was like three weeks ago. I'm going to call her up and see if she wants to go see a movie or something. Or just hang out. I know she's bummed out, but a change in scenery and even a face will help her put things behind her. I hope I'm a small cure to the situation, I know I would appreciate a visit from a new friend or something.
Jenny has moved to Montreal. She just recently moved there, actually this past weekend. Jenny and I hung out periodically, but with my schedule at school, it was difficult at times to see her. So, I guess in essence, I didn't see too much of her over the past year, but we still did stuff together. We mostly sit around and watch movies and Friends anyway, but I enjoyed having her around for that though. There are times were I just want to lie in front of my TV and watch a movie with someone. :( Reminds me of Tom. sigh. Anyway with Jenny in Montreal now, I'll have more incentive to go visit her and Joshua! So that will be cool, plus I can meet her other gay friends that she says she has. Who knows... maybe I'll meet my future boyfriend in Montreal?
And last, but certainly not least, Roisin. She's someone that I met at the same as Sarah. Actually, I might of met Roisin first. Hmmm, anyway roughly at the same time. Roisin is pretty cool girl. I didn't speak to her too much this year though. I made a huge mistake on Halloween! I'm not sure how I'm going to get out of the mess.
I went to a Halloween party with Jenny who knows that I'm gay. And a couple other people there know too, but it's not widely advertised there. Anyway, I'm sitting there, enjoying myself in my little gay world when suddenly someone from my straight world walks in. It was Roisin! Whodathunkit!? Of all the places in the world to be, Roisin had to show up at the same party I was at. Now Roisin knows me as a straight person. So this kind of freaked me out. It's been a while since I was in this kind of predicament. So I played it cool, until I got a bit drunk. Then I became flirty with... (OF ALL THE GUYS THERE)... with one of Roisin's friends! He seemed gay, so I started to flirt with him, but touching his leg and stuff. Man! Was I flirting with danger that night. To make things worse, I put my hand on his lap when we were driving downtown. I didn't keep it there too long! Not that it made too much of a difference. Anyway, I didn't stay too long at the party that I ended up at. I took a cab home. But I'm sure that guy talked to Roisin about it! He was totally gay and I'm sure he said something. So because of that night, I haven't talked to Roisin. I've just been avoiding her. But I eventually ran into her at the library and she said to call her. Which I haven't done yet, but went to see her where she works. I had Sarah with. Oh yeah, in case if you were wondering. I told Sarah about it right away. I phoned her the next morning to let her know about the "accident" of placing my hand on the guy's leg. That way, when we finally talk to Roisin about it; it'll seem like a horrible coincidence and accident. And hopefully, hopefully, Roisin will conclude that her gay friend was projected and exagerating the flirtiness perceived by me on him that night. Ergo, she will not think about my sexuality. That is of course, and assuming that she still thinks about what happened on Halloween.
Anyway, the three of us are suppose together this summer to hang out. And I'm sure that will come up again. I'm hoping it won't and we can all get past it. Or Roisin will talk to me in private about it. Then I'll bring her up to speed on what's going on. Just so she knows, I don't plan on keeping it from her, especially since there is daming evidence against me.
Well... those are my friends and acquaintances. I'm sure I'll be chatting about them most of all, and hopefully about some new people in my life. I'm going to end this one here for now. I think my first entry of this year is long enough. It somewhat catches you up to speed on who's in my life. Also, you get to see small glimpses into the past year with them too. I'm sure as I go on, I'll elaborate on other things, and go into more details about the past. That's all for now! Now go and squirt some eye drops into your eyes... their dry like sea sponges!
(10/05/05) I went out to dinner with Marshall last night. We, of all places, went to Mexi Cali Rosa's. I wonder why he decided he wanted to go there? Anyway, nothing much happened yesterday at work. It was a quiet day as usual. Busy though, but good. I didn't get everything I wanted done, so I've got to do that today, and find time to write in my journal too!
Well, considering the dull and busy day I had yesterday, there is no need for me to put you through reading it. I will start my journal entry from my bus ride home. There was this hot guy (doesn't all good stories start with a hot guy?), anyway there was this hot guy. Oh wait, before that... I went down to the market yesterday to pick up my prize that I won on Friday. I ran into Roisin's boyfriend. He works at the local TV station. His name escapes me at the moment. I do feel kind of bad though, because I didn't shake his hand or anything, and he seems like a really nice guy too. He even kind of reached out his hand too, and I didn't respond. It was an awkward 15 seconds. Anyway, I picked up my prize and made my way back to the bus stop.
On my way through the mall, I notice this guy walking in front of me. I just felt that this guy was probably hot, but I couldn't really tell from behind. He must of been about 5'10" or something, just under 6 feet tall. He had nice dark brown hair, neatly trimmed. From behind, which was the only shot I had of him at the time, he looked really good. He had broad shoulders, nice forearms, nice thighs. Although, I wasn't exactly pleased with the way his butt looked in his pants. He had a big ole wallet shoved into his back pocket which really distorts the shape of his ass.
Anyway, I ended up taking the same bus he was, it was going in my direction anyway. And besides, I was able to see the front of him. He was CUTE! He has a beautiful bone structure, and his nose, forehead, and chin were nicely proportioned. His front looked just as good from behind. I didn't get too many opportunities to check out his crotch, but I imagine it looks pretty hot. I kept staring at his eyes, cause they were mesmerizing. They were a light blue, almost a grey color. I couldn't believe it. He looked back at me a few times because I kept looking his way, but I couldn't help it, he looked amazing. He had little hands though. All in all, he's just the body type that I liked. Not too skinny, not too fat. Just right.
Anyway, I get home and felt a little bored. So I gave Marshall a call to see what he was doing. No one answered, so I figured he must be busy with Peter. Peter is a guy that Marshall started to date about 3 weeks ago. Marshall is happy about it, but that usually equates with me being a little less happy. I've slowly lost him because he's devoting more time to another guy. I like to believe that Marshall is doing everything he can do to make sure that I'm not totally left out in the dark. But that hasn't been happening too much. He's changing his life to fit around this other guy. But that's only natural right? In order to spend more time with someone else? I just miss Marshall. Things haven't been the same since he started to date Peter. I haven't yet met him.
Hopefully, I can learn from my mistakes in the past and stop scapegoating my frustrations and angry on the boyfriend that is stealing away my friend. It's always a tough transition. Marshall is my last friend to get involved in a relationship. Now, no matter where I go and who I hang out with, all my gay friends are coupled. And that's depressing cause it only reminds me that I'm single. Then the real disruptive thinking begins. How unwanted am I? Why haven't I found anyone yet? Well the question to that is relatively easy, most of my friends will say that my bar is set to high, or I'm looking for something that doesn't exist. I just want a big guy to cuddle with who's relatively masculine. He's got to exist right? Anyway, I'm trying not to get too bent out of shape over it, but it certainly doesn't make me want to hang out with anyone who's in a relationship. I'm a senstive guy. I don't want to be reminded that I'm single and difficult.
Well I better change the subject before I get in too deep in pitty-ville. Oh yeah, one more thing, for you avid readers, Kevin is single and gay, but I don't include him because he seems content with being single. Moreoever, we don't hang out with each other as much as I do with Marshall, Rob, Joe, or Eric.
Anyway, Marshall comes to pick me up last night and he suggest Mexi-Cali Rosa's which is cool with me, cause I was fearful of where we were going to go eat. It difficult finding a decent place to eat now that I'm on such a limited diet. That is, no deep fried food, no meat, and pasta isn't good at night. So we went to the Mexi's on bank street which I've frequented quiet often in the past month. I mean, the waitress now knows my face and what I like to eat. But she's a good waitress.
Our conversations are slipping or I'm just becoming aware of how much I dominate the conversations about me. LOL But Marshall does talk about Peter more often. Which I don't mind, but I think I'm just being a jerk about it eh? LOL I can't seem to be happy for anyone else. Man, I've got to change that. I talked about my screenplay for a bit, filling him in on the progress I'm making. After dinner, we went to have some coffee at Starbucks. We weren't there for too long because we were both tired, and realizing that something wasn't usual about us. Hopefully he'll think of something.
He drove me home and I watched some Friends, but went to bed shortly after. I hate going to bed with a full stomach. I get so paranoid that it'll all turn into fat while I'm sleeping, which is probably true. But I got up and went for a run this morning. My running has become more aggressive lately. This is the fourth day in which I've included the sprinting conponent into my running route. It now takes me 20 minutes to run what use to be about 25 minutes. I haven't been doing any crunches lately. I need to find someone motivating to help me get into an ab workout. I'm getting sick of my flabby belly! I just want it tight!
Well that's about it for now! I'll chat with you all later!
(15/05/05) This is might be a long entry, just to let you know. I'm writing for two days, both Saturday and Sunday and I guess a lot happened in that time.
Saturday While I must say I was disappointed by the time I got myself down to the university. I wrote Guy an email yesterday morning asking him if he wanted to go shopping with me and spend the day together. He kind of got my hopes up in an email he sent me earlier in the week that we'd wait to "do" anything until the weekend. So, stupid me, I didn't plan anything with the hopes of getting together with Guy. I sent Guy an email Friday morning, thinking he'd get back to me by the end of the day. But he didn't. I waited all day. Then I had the chance to check my email before meeting Rod and he still didn't send me anything. So, as you can tell, I was annoyed that he still didn't get back to my on Saturday morning. So there goes that whole plan.
So what I ended up doing is chatting on line. I ran into this guy named Graham who has a spandex and jockstrap fetish. He was really fun to chat with and interesting to listen to. He wanted to meet up later that evening. I wasn't doing anything so I told him that we could meet on line to see if we were still both available. I wasn't doing anything that night anyway, and I was definitely looking into having some fun. Graham is a pilot, a first pilot, which is the guy who sits next to the captin. He flies a courier jet across Canada, and sometimes they do charters for groups. I was getting bored sitting at the computer all morning, so I got up and decided to do some shopping.
I went into Rideau and checked out what I could buy. I went into Sears and ended up buying a new black dress shirt. One that actually fits! After that, I went to the bay and tried to look for some ties. I really wanted a pink and black striped tie to go with it. I don't know what it is with pink, but it just kinda doesn't seem like a color a guy would wear. I don't know, it just seems kind of sexy on some guys. Straight guys that is. I didn't find anything and started on my way back home. On the way through the mall I saw Ericka. I stopped to chat with her and she seems to be doing really well these days. She's no longer feeling depressed over her recent breakup. Which is cool, cause Ericka is a girl that I want to try and hang out with. I certainly want to try and steer her away from the bar life. I want to present myself as an alternative to "fun" that is not central to a bar or drinking. I'm hoping she picks up the influence... she did call me a few times over the past year for some homework help, which was so cute.
Anyway, we chatted for a bit, and she said she was going to the movies with her family later that evening and invited me along. I said that I would be interested in going. But then she got all excited and wanted to go out. So she said, "we're going to go out". So I reluctantly said that I would go with her, although that's not what I wanted to do. [Sidebar: there was this really cute guy that she was working with and he came out and smiled at me. Ericka made a comment about how much school I've been going through, and he said, that school was great.] I should ask Ericka who that guy was.
Anyway, I gave her my phone number and she said she would call me later that evening around 9:30pm to see if I wanted to go out. I walked back to the university to see if Guy emailed me back yet. By this time, it's already 3pm. And wouldn't you know it, he still hadn't emailed me yet. I was a little annoyed. On my way home I decided that I wouldn't respond to his reply for the same amount of time as it took him to reply. Know what I mean? If it takes me 3 days, I'll wait three days before I reply.
I got home, a little tired, so I relaxed for a bit. I watched some TV and debated on what I was going to do for the rest of the afternoon and night. I ended up watching Star Wars: Phantom Menance and by then it was early evening. Jordan was out so I figured that I would take up Graham on his offer. (THERE ARE TWO VERSIONS FOR THE REST OF SATURDAY NIGHT - THE SECOND IS OF COURSE RESERVED FOR THE SELECT FEW) So I took a shower and headed off to the university to see if he would show up on line. This of course meant that I wouldn't be meeting up with Ericka later.
I got to the university and was disappointed again to find that Graham wasn't there. I figured, "this is just great!". So I surfed the net for a bit and checked out this dorm website and watch not-so-good-looking guys in there rooms. I did get to play this trivia game which was really fun. It was so much fun that it occupied me for like 2 hours or something; that's when I stumbled across Alex! Alex is 24 or 25 and lives in Kanata which isn't too far from Ottawa. The thing that I liked about Alex right away was the fact that he's a 6'6" masculine acting guy! My dream come true! We had so much in common and it was exciting to find another guy that you have a lot in common with. We chatted until 1am in the morning! By that time Graham had finally logged on! So I swapped email addresses with Alex and told him that I would definitely keep in touch with him.
I was still in the mood to hang out with Graham, and truth be told, I was incredibly curious about his spandex and jockstrap fetish. Yes it was late, but I didn't care, I wanted to get mine. So I went to his hotel, which was the Aristocrat, an okay hotel. I know I wouldn't stay there after seeing it. Graham was something I wasn't expecting! From his picture, he looked like a mature older guy, but when I saw him, he had such child-like qualities and characteristics. It was a little odd and took some time getting use to. He was shorter than I was and had a bit of a belly. Anyway, he really liked me. He told me a few times that I was really cute. So of course that just boosted my ego. It's always good to be told something like that.
I left Graham's room around 2:30am. I knew I wasn't probably going to catch a bus home, so I figured that I'd stop off at a Royal Bank and grab some cash. Only, they were all our of service! I ended up walking all the way home that night! I was brutal. I didn't get home until 4am that morning! I was really tired! And, to make things worse, I had to get up and meet Sarah for breakfast. I knew that I wasn't going to go for a run in the morning.
Sunday
(17/05/05) Well, after all this time, I finally got to meet Jamie! I've been chatting with him for the past year or so. We originally meet on some small gay website which has now grown considerably since then. We have a few things in common and have chatted about it sense then. Well over the course of the year, we shared so much and dared each other to do these things. Well, Jamie has finally gotten the opportunity to visit Canada through work! This wasn't his first trip to Canada, he came at the beginning of the year but we couldn't get together. And his second trip was cancelled. But now he's here! I apologize for the shortness of this entry, but the rest is limited to the exclusive select few.
Even though Jamie had given me photos of himself and I have seen him through his webcam, it still didn't prepare me for what I saw last night. I knew he had a petite waste, and was slightly tall; but I was still shocked just to see how he really was. He was like a child! He couldn't have been more than 5'8", and he had a tiny little waist. His skin was sooo soft, like a little boy's skin. The crazy thing is, a little boy doesn't have a piercing in his left nipple, nor does he have stuble. Anyway, I can't judge his physical appearance too much because we didn't have a lot of light in the room.
He called me up late last night, he said he was going to work late, but he didn't call me until 10pm. I was already in bed when he called. But we chatted for a bit and he got us all exicted. Then he begged me to come over to his hotel room. So after like 10 minutes of coaxing, I said that I would. I didn't get back home until 11:30pm or so. I couldn't go to sleep right away, which made my sleep short and I skipped running because I was too tired! Man! Anyway, we haven't planned anything specific this evening, but I'm excited nonetheless!
(18/05/05) Yesterday was pretty cool. I didn't get the chance to meet up with Jamie I ended up being way too tired. I don't understand. I didn't take a local bus to Billing's Bridge, like I should have. Instead I took the transitway and it took forever. I got home in 45 minutes! Plus, I wanted to dose off when I was on the bus. I closed my eyes for most of the trip. [Sidebar: some guy pressed his crotch into my shoulder to let someone pass behind him. He wasn't that cute, so it wasn't that HOT of a moment.]
By the time I got off the bus, I was drained. I had intended on going for a run when I got home, and shower, change and head on to the university to chat with Alex. Before meeting up with Jamie at 8:30pm. But that didn't happen. I ended up undressing and lying on my bed watching some documentaries on Star Wars. I was really tired and my right calf was really tender too, which was strange, it felt as though I had a leg cramp. And if I did, normally I wake up for those kinds of things. Anyway, I'm rambling. Jordan knocked on my door and asked me if I had any dishes in my room. I was shocked cause that's something he's never done before. He even "giggled" after I looked around really quickly. Which kind of threw me, it wasn't like I had a hard-on or anything.
OMG! I have to tell you that. I was doing "something" in my room when the phone rang. And I was waiting for a phone call too. So I had to cut it short and grab the phone. Jordan was home, but he was in his room. So I was trying to make a fast run into the kitchen to grab the phone there, but Jordan comes running out of his room with the cordless and gives it too me. Of course, I'm standing there with a massive hard-on! I don't think he saw, cause I tried to turn around as quickly as I could. Oh well... it would kill him to see another dudes hard-on eh?
Anyway, back to last night, I told myself that I would rest for 30 minutes before I started my stretches. But I ended up lying around for an hour. Then I got up and did my stretches and stuff. Then I went for a run. And man, let me tell you, I stop running for three mornings, and it feels like I haven't ran in a month. But I got the hang of it again. I think my body was just resisting and wanted to stay dormant. I did the entire run with full sprints and everything. I got back and Jordan was gone. I jumped into the shower and got myself squeaky clean. Since Jordan wasn't around I walked around the apartment nude and made something to eat. I just had strawberries and necturines for dinner. I wasn't in the mood for anything heavy.
By the time I finished eating that, it was close to 8:45pm and I was suppose to give Jamie a call I didn't hear from him by 8:30pm. I thought about if for a bit and realized that I was just too tired to be going downtown. So when I called him, I intended to postpone our get-together. I was just too tired. I didn't get a hold of him anyway. So I just went to bed. I think I was asleep by 10pm.
So now, it's morning, I slept in a little this morning, but I still got up, and did a short run. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back on track. I got into work early this morning and checked my email and Alex sent me an email with pics! He didn't reply to my previous email, because he spent all night taking a bunch of pictures of himself. And man, were they good ones! I can't wait to meet up with Alex. I can't imagine anything really being wrong with him. I hope there isn't. He's 6'6"! And I've always wanted a tall guy! He is younger than me, but not by much. I haven't seen his head yet. But he's a shy guy and wants to take his time. Man, the last time I did that, I was disappointed.
Anyway... I want to get to the main reason I'm writing this particular entry! I've developed yet another crush on a guy. His name is Robert! And he's HOT! The first time I saw him was at work about a month ago. He came in and introduced himself as the account rep for canon. We use to deal with this chick, but I guess she moved onto bigger and brighter things. Anyway, he extended his hand to me and I took it and shoved it down the front of my pants. LOL, as if. I shook it of course! He was wearing a black suit that day, and I believe he was wearing a dark red tie with it. He was about my height, perhaps a smidge shorter than I. He has short brown hair and wears glasses. He looked cute, sexy, and HOT which is hard to pull-off altogether! He gave me his business card which I've kept close to me at all times. I knew that I would have to call him in the future.
Well that time came and went. I called him last week to arrange a meeting with him to come and show me some stuff with our copier. We scheduled a time for Tuesday morning, at 9:30am. But he never showed up. I was a little hurt, but considering how busy I was yesterday, it didn't bother me too much. Robert did eventually show up around 11am or so. I couldn't stay mad at him nor reprimand him because he was abosolutely adorable! I would have loved to have bent him over my knee and spanked his ass and have him tell me how sorry he was for keeping me waiting. It would have also been fun to see him get on his knees and look up at me with his little puppy dog eyes and plead with his eye for me to forgive him. I can just imagine it, him kneeling before me, looking up at me, look all adorable, and him resting his chin on my knees... of course I'd forgive him!
Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. He came in late and the first thing I noticed was that he was a bit redder than the last time I saw him. He must of burnt a bit. He was dressed in a medium grey suit, non-vented, three button jacket with pleated pants with cuffs. He had on a white dress shirt and some busy black/grey/white patteren tie. I didn't like the tie, but he look incredibly hot though. He smelt GOOD! I had a better opportunity to check him out because he sat in my chair, and I sat close to him. I checked out the back of his neck and ear and shoulders. I tried to steal a glance into his crotch, but couldn't get a clear shot. I also tried to get a good shot of his ass when his back was turned to me, but that wasn't too often. His suit looked really good, I wish I could have jumped into his lap! I wish I could have just leaned over and kissed him softly on his neck behind his ears.
Robert has really nice lips, and a cute little smile. Since I was around him longer this time round, I was able to check out everything. He has light green eyes, something you don't see everyday. At first I thought they were blue, but when I looked closer, the looked more green than blue. And did I mention that he wears glasses? They make him look unbelievably sexy! He has nice hands that aren't narrow, I don't like narrow hands. His hands were well groomed, not dry, and his nails were nicely trimmed. Oh man, I think I'm in love with him. I wish I could have just tackled him to the floor when he was here and just made out with him and engaged in some HOT sensual sex with him. Show him just what's he's missing. I'm sure he's a little animal in the sack! hehehe AND he's just the physical ideal image of the boyfriend that I want. Robert is not skinny at all, and he's not fat either. He's realistically handsome! And he's tall too, about my height. The next time I see him, I'll try to get a more accurate measurement of his height.
Speaking of which, Robert is coming back on Thursday. I'm not sure why he's coming back. I can't remember why he said he was. I guess he's not finished teaching me about the copier yet. But I will have to think of some questions for when he comes back. I want to be able to see as much of him as possible. I would like to make him my friend! As if eh? Oh well, a boy can dream can't he? At least I'll get to see him again, in another suit! Oh, he's sooo cute! I'll keep you posted!
(21/05/05) Ericka sent me an email yesterday asking me if I wanted to go to The LookOut with her. At first, I just sighed in disappointment cause I don't want to be known as a partier with her. I'm hoping to give her the alternative to having fun, which would be anything else. But she wanted me to go out with her. I decided to put that on the back burner in case something better comes up. But the likelihood of that was pretty slim. I didn't have anyone else to do anything with.
I went home and relaxed and watched Gay Wedding's, I almost watched the entire series in one night. Oh yeah, did I tell you? I bought two TV reality series off of ebay the other week. I bought Boy meets boy and Gay Wedding's. I watched Boy meets Boy Thursday night, I watched the entire series that night. It's a really good TV series and I think I fell in love with James. Click here for some pics of the show. James is this absolutely goregous guy that just stole my heart away. He totally seems to be my type of guy! In fact, I think I'm going to add him to my "bois" list. I won't waste my time talking about him anymore, but he is dreamy!
So anywhere, friday night, I'm home watching Gay Wedding's, so I figured, I better get up and do something! So I called Ericka and tell her that I'm interested in going out with her. She told me to meet her at her place by 10:30pm. So I take a shower and get all gussied up. I miss my bus and didn't make it to the Glebe until quarter to. She was already at the bus stop, so I got back on the bus and we went downtown. This is where she tells me that she's meeting up with Dominique. Who's Dominique you say? Well Dominique was Ericka's girlfriend for about 14-15 months. They met last year before christmas. Anyway, for some reason, Dominique decideds to break up with Ericka. She tells me that Dominique had some issues she needed to work out and didn't want to drag Ericka through it all. Well, in the process of that, Dominique really hurt Ericka. I mean, she was heart broken and depressed for like a month. I couldn't understand why Dominique would want to break up with Ericka. Ericka's a really good catch.
Anyway, so we're on the bus and Ericka is telling me all this and I'm just hoping that Ericka knows what she's doing. I didn't want her to go meet up with Dominique and expect things to be the same. Well... when I got to the bar, I was a bit confused cause they were acting like they were going out again. It wasn't too long before they started kissing and stuff. I had to pull Ericka off to the side and ask her what the heck is going on. I asked her if she made up with Dominique. She said no. I was still confused. I asked her if she was considering getting back together with Dominique. And she said that they aren't getting back together, and that they are still broken up. I told her that I hoped she knew what she was doing cause I didn't want to see her get hurt.
I didn't stay all night with Ericka, I was getting tired and wanted to go home. Plus I was dancing with people I barely knew. In fact, as a side story, I was dancing with an ex of a guy that I use to like. So that was a bit awkward! Oh your such a story junkie, I'll tell you all about it!
Last year, before Christmas, and this is Christmas 2003, I got a part-time job at the Bay. I've always wanted to work in retail. Anyway, working there I got to see a few cute guys. I got to work with two of them. This one guy was named Chris. He was a little short guy who was super cute and hot. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, a cute smile and little up-turned nose. Total poster boy. He seemed really nice too. And he had a nice body too! I loved checking him out when I got to work with him. The other guy I worked with was also named Chris. This Chris was much taller, in fact he was almost my height. He had light red hair, big green eyes, and a very cute smile. He also had a FINE ass! One that I kept checking out. Unfortunately, he worked in a different section of mens clothing than I did, but I went over and chatted with him whenever I had the opportunity.
My memories of Chris are very fond and warm. He was this really shy guy as I remember. I was always shy and scared to go over to chat with him, but I found the courage somewhere. Once I got the feeling that he didn't mind my coming over to talk with him, I did it more often. I spent about a month and a half pursuing this guy. I knew he was gay, it was obvious. I knew from the first day that I saw him in our training sessions. I fell in love with his smile right away. It was hard to resist. I enjoyed making him smile. Anyway, during this period of getting to know him, I tried to play vague with him in terms of my sexuality. I knew he was gay and he was also trying to make that prevalent. He would do this little things that seemed too gay. I knew he was testing me out. He even made a comment one evening, he made some comment about me and my friends going out and chasing after the girls. I replied very vaguely as to imply that I was chasing "something", but not exactly girls.
We started to spend so much time with him, that I started to care a lot less about work, and ended up spending way too much time in mens underwear with Chris. I think my boss new it. Oh well, it was only seasonal work and I had better things to keep me occupied. I got to learn a lot about him, that he was studying political science at Carleton, on a part-time basis. He told everyone that he was a full time student, but didn't want to seem less of a person for being part-time. Isn't that kind of cute? I thought so. He also told me that he worked part-time at a hotel; with these two jobs he was working full time. He told me about his mental disorder he had to, it was some attention span problem. He shared a bit with me, which I was really surprised with. I felt like he was really trying to make a connection with me. Oh, I better mention that I met his roommate briefly. I went over to visit Chris and saw that he was with a customer. So I decided to come back later. I went back later and he was with the same guy, so I figured maybe they were friends or something. So I grabbed something and pretended to take it back to his side. I got there and he quickly introduced me to the guy. I chatted with Chris briefly and then left. I went back and the guy was gone. I can't remember his name or what he looks like. I wasn't focussing on him anyway.
After a while, I tried to get careless and let him catch me checking him out. I also did little things to try and touch him and stuff. This one day, I spent my break talking with him when they sent him down to work in the candy department. I even helped him out a bit. This was when I invited him to my christmas party that I was having the following weekend. He said he would think about it. This was also the time that we exchanged email address. Huh, I wonder if I still have his email address somewhere. I usually keep everything. Anyway, we were finally connected. The only thing, as I remember, he was having problems with his email, so we didn't stay in too good of contact. I can't remember if we exchanged phone numbers or not. I know I gave him mine. Meanwhile, Ericka was working in the mall too, so I would go and visit her and keep in up-to-date in terms of what was going on. I told her all about Chris and how fun it was pursuing him. She was really happy and she told me about this girl, Dominique and something serious might come of it. I thought, 'what are the odds both of us finding someone?'
Okay, we'll fast forward into the future. Working with him was a blast, but I want to get to the climax of the story. It was the night of my christmas party and Chris and I were starting to get pretty close as guy friends could possibly get. He still didn't know whether or not I was gay. My party was quickly falling apart and I knew at this point, that only a few people were going to show up anyway. So I stayed at the store with Chris until he was finished work. Christine was one of the people who was going to be there, so I asked her to swing by the store to pick up my keys so she could let people in as they showed up. Cause I was going to stay downtown.
Well, we finally left downtown and I had Chris on the bus with me. He was totally cute and I was so excited. I didn't have anything planned in terms of him coming over. I didn't even know if I was going to come out to him or not! I was totally going on the seat of my pants. We got to the part and I showed Chris my room. At that point in time, I had a calendar of JC hanging up on my wall. Which, now to come to think of it, everyone else saw. We decided to get changed, I changed in my room and he in the bathroom. Then we joined everyone else in the living room. Since it was a christmas party, I brought out my little "charlie brown" christmas tree and we decorated that. We opened a few bottles of wine and we drank. We had a blast and we were all getting a little tipsy!
During the evening, I stayed close to Chris. And later, and later in the evening, I started to get too close to him. My thigh was touching his, I started to wrap my foot behind his leg. I wasn't even thinking about who could have been seeing all this. Oh well. Having to hang out with everyone in the past year, no one has said anything to me about it. About midnight, everyone was starting to pour themselves home... except Chris. He stayed. And I can't exactly remember why either. I think he was curious as to what was going on. We continued to sit in the living room and whispered to each other. We were whispering because Jordan had gotten back home shortly before everyone left. And I didn't want him hearing what we were talking about.
I can't remember what we were talking about anyway, I think Chris was shocked to finally find out if I was gay or not. I remember chatting with him briefly about it, we were sitting there in retrospect looking at all the clues I was dropping. And there were a lot of vague clues too. One was that I offered to help him shop in my section, and I told him that I would give him the full treatment (or service). I can't remember if I was that daring or not. He just thought that I really like my job. He did mention the vague comment I made about chasing "girls", that was something that stuck in the back of his head, but since the comment was so vague he couldn't conclude anything. He also mentioned that after seeing my JC calendar, he started to sway his decision that I was more likely gay. In the end, he was surprised at my advancements all night. By the end of our little conversation, I had worked my hand into his and we were staring at each other and bashfully smiling.
The shocker of that moment was when Jordan came out of his room and went into the living room! I quickly let go of Chris's hand. Jordan walked quickly through the living room and exited out the other side and went back to his room. I think he came out because it was really quiet and all the lights were still left on. So I think he came out to turn them off. Jordan probably didn't expect to see the two of us holding hands on the couch. I took Chris into my room after that. I think I still left the lights on. We got into my room and started to make out. It was totally hot. By this time, I was really starting to feel the wine. We undressed and got under the blankets! And... yeah. I was really happy.
He woke up fairly early the next morning. He stumbled about and got his stuff together. I got cold cause he wasn't next to me, so I got up to see what was going on. He had called a taxi and was putting his shoes on. I stood next to him watching him. The taxi showed up fast. As he was leaving, he said thanks, and then gave me a big kiss! Which was so sweet of him. I went back to bed, it was really early, like 6am or something. I knew that Chris had to work later that morning.
When I woke up, I was really, really happy. I thought, 'finally! I've met my special somebody'. I was totally excited. I called Marshall and we went for breakfast together. Afterwards, after telling him all the good news, I decided to take him over to the mall to introduce him to Chris. We get there, and he was working. The poor guy looked really tired. He gave me this big smile and I smiled back. We talked briefly and he told me that he got home and went to bed and slept in for work. He showed up like 30-45 minutes late for work. And he still had a long day afterwards. I can't remember for sure, but if I didn't give him my number before, this is where I think I gave it to him. I didn't stay too long, because the store was getting busy. It was getting more and more busy as christmas got closer. He told me that he had a really good time, I told him that I had a good time.
For the next couple of days, we had conflicting schedules. I was seeing very little of him. When I was leaving he was starting. It was very odd that suddenly our schedules weren't coinciding with each other. I found Chris's belt in the corner of my room. It must of been flung in that direction. I told him that I found it and he was relieved because it belonged to his roommate. So I told him that I would bring it in the next time I worked. For those short 3 or 4 days, we only spent the beginning's of our shifts together. For some reason, it just wasn't in the cards. Anyway, I think it was a Thursday, he started much earlier than I did and did a shorter shift. I started work later and was able to have a break to walk Chris to the bus stop. When we got close to McKenzie King bridge, he turned to me and looked really serious. He started talking about something, and I knew what was coming. Time slowed down and I felt dizzy. I caught him saying something about compatibility and he would have liked to see where this would go, but he was seeing someone already. I heard the last part loud and clear. He apologize and told me that he wanted to tell me sooner, like the day that I came to see him after my party. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He wanted to tell during work, but our schedules weren't matching up. He knew he wanted to take the time to say it to me.
Everything was a blur at that point. I think I pulled it together and gave him a smile. I don't remember walking back to the store. I was beginning to feel very hurt. I felt nauseous. When I did make it back to the store, I asked if I could go home because I wasn't feeling well. I was just not in the mood to continue working that day. I had like 3 hours left to go. Thankfully they let me go home. It was early afternoon, so I stayed in my room. By then, I was hurting pretty bad. I remember watching A.I.. I also remember Jordan being there for most of the afternoon and some of the evening. But after he left, I was at the edge of hurt.
I finally broke down. I was so hurt and so betrayed. Not just by Chris but by God as well. Wasn't I allowed to love? Why didn't this work out for me? I was asking all this questions and I was so angry and frustrated. I can't remember how long I sat there crying. I didn't cry straight, I took breaks, and then started up again when I started to think too much. That day really sucked, and it was before christmas too. At this point, I think I was 4 days away from returning home. I didn't have anyone to call to console my heart. I think Joe called me that evening, and I hinted at how badly I was feeling, but I don't think he got the clue. I can't remember if I called Marshall or not, usually I do in situations like this. But I think he was out or something.
I saw Ericka and told her what had happened. I told her that Chris had a boyfriend. That he was lying about it. Actually, I don't think I used that word until later. But I was hurt that he didn't mention anything sooner. I kept asking myself... why didn't he mention something the night of my party? Why did he let it go as far as it did? Of course Ericka couldn't answer these questions, but she did do her best to be supportive and told me that I should forget about the guy and that I deserved better. It wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time, but I knew she meant well. To cheer me up, she invited me to her party where she said she would attempt to hook me up with one of her "good looking" friends. Plus I'd have the opportunity to meet her new love interest, Dominique. I took her up on the offer and said that I would go.
I wasn't too sure what to do about Chris from this point on. As hurt as I was, it's always difficult for me to forget about these kinds of things and move on. I honestly can't remember what the events where after that. I know I chatted briefly with Chris and he apologized again. He told me that his current relationship was practically over. It was falling apart quite some time ago. It was going to end anyway. He just didn't want to start anything with me unless his current relationship was at an end. He continued to tell me that he was in a difficult position because where he was staying was in his boyfriend's name. So if they broke up, he would be homeless. He just started to feed me this hard-luck story and expecting me to understand. Well, I did. As hurt as I was, I was more than willing to understand. He wanted to continue to hang out and be friends. I guess that was his way of asking me to wait for him? In retrospect, that wouldn't have been wise to do anyway, there really was not guarantee that he was going to break up with his boyfriend.
We went out for drinks after work and talked some more. He continued to tell me about his relationship and the problems they were having. They ended up being friends than anything else. There was just no love left in the relationship. We also segued into some talk about philidelphia and gay crime and stuff. It was a fun debate and I got to see how passionate Chris gets when he cares about something. Oh, I also want to mention about what he told his boyfriend about me. He said that his boyfriend that I was straight. And that he got too drunk to go home, so he crashed at my place. He told him there were more people there. I guess his boyfriend is the jealous and untrusting type? It didn't bother me at the time that he told his boyfriend this.
The next day, we both worked and we had lunch together. It seemed like we were headed on a good path to friendship or something. Either that, I was fooling myself and thinking that Chris would dump his current boyfriend and ask me out. I told Chris about my friend's party and asked him if he wanted to come along. He thought about it for a bit, but then said he didn't think it would be a good idea to go to another party with me. That day was my last day, so I wouldn't be able to see him again. So I proposed that we get together and spend a day together before I left for home. He said that would be a good idea, and that he would definitely want to see me before I left. He had the majority of Monday off, but had to work at the hotel that evening. He was also working at the hotel Sunday evening. After quickly calculating the time we'd have to spend together, it wasn't much. So I made a bold move and asked him if he wanted to come over Sunday to spend the night that way we'd have more time together on Monday. I quickly told him that I wasn't making a sexual invitation, and he shook his head understanding where I was coming from. Cause by the time each of us got up and got downtown, we wouldn't have too much time to spend with each other before he had to go to work at the hotel. He said he would give me a call Sunday to let me know if he was able to come over Sunday. He said it made total sense and he would probably come over.
So that brought hope to my heart again. I actually got excited. I felt that we re-connected, but on a different level. Deep down inside though, I think I was still somewhat hoping for more. I went to Ericka's party. I had some beer left over from my christmas part and brought that with me. I was still dressed from work, so I looked pretty spiffy. I finally got to meet this girl that stole Ericka's heart away. Dominique was HOT and beautiful. She was tall and very sexy. Man, does Ericka know how to pick em. I also met a bunch of Ericka's friends which I can't remember any names of. Dominique had also brought some of her friends along too, so I meet some of them, again I can't remember who they were let alone remember what they look like now. To make a long story short, I had a good time all things considered. Ericka made a big deal about me being there. I guess she was telling everyone that I was coming and she was excited. This is what some of the people said before I got there. They were wondering, who's this guy she keeps going on about? Is he famous? And then the way she reacted when I got there, everyone wanted a look at who it was. And it was just me. A pleasant surprise was that Joshua showed up out of the blue! It was the first time that we saw each other since the spring. So it had been a loooong time since he saw me. Plus I had just lost a lot of weight, and he hadn't seen that either. So it was an exciting reunion. We didn't stay very long, I left with Joshua, he gave me a ride home. I was tired and didn't want to stand around looking like a stranger at Ericka's anymore.
The next day, I waited for Chris to call me. He said he was going to. I remember it snowing all day. I waited and waited. Then the time came when he was scheduled to work. I figured he'd call me during a break or something. But he didn't. My brother called me and wanted to chat about when I was coming home and such and what we wanted to do. He also sensed that something was bugging me. I told him in very few words, that I was hoping to get a phone call, and that it was a very important one. I didn't give him too much information, but he knew where I was coming from. Finally, it was like after 10pm and it was getting awfully close to Chris's shift and he still hadn't phoned me. I started to doubt that he ever would. I kept waiting like a senseless fool, I waited until I couldn't remember waiting. I suddenly woke up Monday morning and realized that he hadn't called me at all. I felt let down again. I figured he would at least call me in the morning to let me know what was going on. Were we still going to get together? But he never called. I packed and went home for the holidays.
If you think this story ends here, you're wrong. There's still a tinsy bit left. When I got back I had forgotten all about Chris and what he had done to me. I was prepared to start a brand new year. I remember getting together with Marshall and taking a retrospective look on our past years. But I won't get into that here. I did talk with him about the whole Chris thing. About a week after I got back to Ottawa, I finally ran into Ericka and she was totally excited about something. And that's when she told me the funniest story! It was one of those crazy unexpected twist-type stories.
Apparently, during Ericka's party, one of Dominique's friends kept asking Dominique about me. Since Dominique didn't know me, she had to go over to ask Ericka who I was. So if you can imagine, this chained conversation that slowly progressed between the three of them over the course of the night, it was amazing to piece it all together at the end. Dominique relayed my name back to her "guy" friend that she brought with her, and he asked another question, which was if I was gay or straight, cause Ericka had invited both gays and straights. Dominique asked Ericka and Ericka told her that I was gay; and Dominique told her friend. But the questions didn't end there, nor did the information. Ericka told Dominique that I worked at the Bay, and also volunteered the current emotional state I was in, which was hurt because some guy lied about his relationship status. This all got back to the guy and that pretty much ends the chained conversation that evening. By the time they finished the relaying the info, I was already gone.
Anyway, if you haven't put two and two together yet, this is what it all means: the guy at the party was Chris's boyfriend! Ericka and Dominique figured it out over the holidays, after talking with Chris's boyfriend. The cat was out of the bag. Chris's boyfriend found out that I was gay and that Chris was lying about everything! So as you can see, that's probably why I didn't hear back from Chris the following day. Nor had I heard from him on Monday. I'm guessing that he and his boyfriend got into an argument! Oh well, Chris made his bed, so he has to sleep in it.
Anyway, that's the long dramatic story about that. So, to bring you back to what I was originally writing about. It was a little awkward dancing with this guy while Ericka and Dominique were making out or doing this or that. I wasn't going to talk to him, I didn't know what to say! "How's Chris doing?" LOL.
I think those two are definitely broken up by now. I think they only lasted a few months after that before it ended. I have no idea what Chris is up to these days. Geez, after writing all this, I'm kind of interested in trying to find him. I wonder if he's still single. I wonder if he had any real feelings for me. Oh well, if it's fate, then we'll run into each other's paths. Anyway, that pretty much wraps it up for Friday evening. I went home and went to bed after that.
The next day it was pretty gloomy. There was overcast and it was already sprinkling. I got up and went for a run and got myself ready for the day. I didn't have anything planned, and no one I knew was around. I called Rob and Joe to see what they were up to and they said they were heading out of town for a drive. But we planned brunch at the casino tomorrow and a movie afterwards if it keeps raining. They haven't seen Episode III of Star Wars yet, so they want to go and see that, and I'd be up to seeing it again.
After that, I still had nothing to do, so I called up TJ. TJ is a guy that I met through curling. He was on my team this past season. He's a big tall gumpy kind of guy. He's not my type, but he's a lot of fun and very sociable. I've been meaning to call him up for weeks now, so I figured that theres no better time than now. We chatted for a bit and decided to get together for lunch, we went to my favorite restaurant Mexi Cali Rosa's. And my favorite waitress was there, although she didn't wait on us. I had the usual and TJ and I got reacquainted. It was a lot of fun. He even paid for lunch! After lunch we took a drive out to Barrhaven to try and find this other guy that I had a crush on. His name is Dave. Dave is someone that I also became acquainted with through curling; although he spared for another team, he wasn't officially part of the league. Dave is a cute and timid looking guy. He's my height with blonde hair, and a cute smile. He's got a decent body and looks like an intellectual. He works as a pharmacist out in Barrhaven which is why we were headed in that direction. Unfortunately he wasn't there so I didn't get to see him. It was really nice of TJ to drive me all the way out there.
We drove back to Ottawa and ended up at Chapters for some coffee. We continued to chat about each other and got to know about each other's family's. We both come from large families. Again, he treated me to coffee and a cookie. This guy might actually be a good sugar daddy. LOL I told him about my dream of going to Boston this summer. I really want to go and I'm sure I'll find someone to take me. TJ seems more than happy to take me out there. He has a car and is interested in seeing more of it. So that's something I'll be looking forward to. It may also be someting you'll end up reading later.
He drove me back home and that was it. I'm sure we'll get together a lot this summer. I'm going to ask him if he wants to go to the mayfair with me. He lives so close to it. And I'm sure he'll try and get me to participate in something sporty this summer. And who knows? Maybe he'll get me out there in that sun! I am looking to get fit. Well that's about all for this extremely long journal entry. I hope you enjoyed being with me, in the present and the past! See? I live an interesting life don't I?
(23/05/05) Rob hit Joe! That's the headline for this particular entry. I was completely shocked! I'm going to try and not be dramatic here, but here is what happened.
Like I said, I had called Rob and Joe on Saturday to see what they were up to, they had plans and Joe suggested brunch for the following day. We chatted about that for a bit and decided to go to the Casino Lac Leamy for brunch, and then to watch Star Wars.
Well, not only did I suggest the locale for brunch but I also suggested a time, which was for 10am. These two like to sleep in on weekends. I told them that if we waited too long, then we'd have to wait in line just to get a table. So I tried to motivate them to get there earlier to avoid the line-up. I made it downtown by 10am and we waited for Rob as usual. I hate coming all the way down there and having to wait for him. He knows this. So I made a comment that "of course we're waiting for Rob again". We finally got going and on the way over Joe started asking some questions, nothing specific, just general questions. Somehow Kevin's name was brought up. I can't remember why or how we got on that subject. But Rob made a comment that rubbed me the wrong way. He claimed that Kevin was uninteresting and that he meet him before and Kevin was shy and didn't say anything. I ignored the comment and explained to Joe that Kevin wasn't boring or uninteresting. I started to defend Kevin. I finally made a comment that implied that Rob's taste in people were superficial and needed to fulfill a shallow qualification of asthetic pleasure. I didn't articulate my point as well as I did in the car. I was frustrated at Rob's audacity towards my friend.
In the past, I have commented on his friends as shallow and suspect, he agrees with me in my view, but defends them as there is some good to them. These people are good, but I strongly feel there sentiments are no where near the same level as the rest of us three. That being Rob, Joe, and myself. Joe agrees with me in that even he doesn't fully appreciate Rob's friends. But Joe is far more tolerable than I am.
Anyway, the conversation didn't improve, both Rob and I were on the defensive. We then started to talk about this group thta I had in London that hosted a group of "straight behaving" youths. In brief, this group was made up of gay youths that felt disassociated with the gay community. They felt they did not fit the gay stereotype or lifestyle of the average or general gay population. As a group, we formulated our own standpoint, our own perspective that made sense to us, which was to develop a new queer term that defined us more accurately; which was "masculine behaving". This term was created to define gay individuals who did not need to act or pretend to be straight; they were just straight behaving in nature. The definition was later amended to remove any reference to the sexual orientation of heterosexuals as this youth group was homosexual. It was foreseen that the gay community would react negatively to the definition if the concept straight was left in, mentioned, or refered to. Thus, the end result of the term was masculine behaving which was "a homosexual male that encompassed the essence of the traditional role of masculinity."
I didn't articulate this as well as I did yesterday as I have done now. Because both Rob and Joe fell victim to shutting out the concept altogether. I questioned Rob if a "flamer" can exist, why can't its anti-thesis? He had no answer to that, but remained closed minded to the term that my group conceptualized. He ranted on about something off topic in attempt to support his position; but I told him that it was pointless to continue if he wasn't able to open his mind of the possibility. I even went so far to call him narrow and closed minded. Joe intervened and suggested that we should agree to disagree and I concurred. But I don't think Rob was willing to let go of it.
The reason why I'm mentioning all this is because I feel that I may have contributed to Joe's demise. If Rob wasn't in a bad mood before brunch, he certainly was getting into one after our dicussion on the car ride over to the casino.
Brunch was okay, there was still a bit of wait in line to get food, but the food was good and I stuffed myself as usual. I ate more fruit than anything else; which I guess isn't worth the money I paid considering fruit isn't worth $20. But the company was good and the conversation much lighter than what we went through in the car. After brunch was over, we got into the car and decided to head on over to Star Cit� to watch Star Wars. Before we got there, we stopped off at a pawn shop, something Joe was against. But we stopped anyway. After that, we made our way to the theatre... and that's when it happened.
Before we got into the car, I mentioned to Joe about his mixed CD in that he hasn't played it yet. I told him that I wasn't able to hear it from the back. So when we got in, he turned it up a little. I then told him that I could hear it and wasn't aware of it on the way to the casino. It was then that Rob started to take control over the radio. He started to skip songs and started to listen to what he wanted to. The reason why Joe brought the CD along was to show me the songs on the CD cause he was going to give it to me, along with 9 other mixed CD's. However, I think Rob disapproved of this idea. Needless to say, I wasn't able to listen to any of the other songs on the CD because Rob wanted to listen to the same song twice.
After the song had finished, Joe skipped the CD forward to show me what else was on it. Rob again started to fiddle with the buttons and thus a few words were shot back and forth between Rob and Joe. It ended with Joe taking out the disc altogether and with Rob turning off the radio. I thought what had just happened was a little immature.
The car was silent and Joe finally asked me how long the movie was. Since I had the Express next to me, I opened it up to see if there were minute lengths included with the showtimes. As I was doing that, Rob decided to turn the radio on. I said aloud, "maybe you should just leave the radio off". And then Rob and Joe started to fiddle with the stations and I heard Rob tell Joe that is was his radio and to leave it alone. Since I was looking at the paper, I didn't see what happened, but only heard it. I hard this sharp slap and I looked up. I just saw the both of them retract to either side of the car. Rob, with raise voice said: "I'm serious, its my radio".
The next couple of seconds were a blur, cause I was absolutely shocked at what I had just heard. I wasn't even sure if Rob had struck Joe or not. I was more than willing to believe that Rob had slapped the back of his own hand to get the attention of Joe. But at the time, this was completely unknown to me. We were almost to the theatre when Rob said he was going to turn the car around. I thought he was joking at first, but he actually did. The car ride home was really silent. Joe tried to initiate a conversation, but I was a bit upset at what had transpired. I was dropped off at home and all I could do was just reflect with what had just occured.
I couldn't understand for the life of me why Rob would do that. It seemed just so diva-ish of him to act that way. I've known him to act that way in the past and even mentioned it to him. He of course denies it, but I remember chatting about the issue with Joe before. I know that before Rob even met Joe, we got into a discussion about Rob's behaviour. I had questioned him if he was an only child because of the way he acts. But he has a younger sister. I thought it was interesting to find someone who behaves the way he does even though he has a sibling because he seems very possessive and controlling as an only child would behave when there is any other rivals.
I accept Rob for a lot of his quirks, both positive and negative, but I will not tolerate abusive behaviour. I don't mean to over-dramatize the situation; at the same time, I don't want to down play it either. I think what has happened is very serious, hitting someone is still hitting someone. I don't want to believe that Rob is an abusive person. I started to question whether this was normal behaviour he witnessed growing up? I also started to question if he's done anything like this to Joe before. Even though I wasn't directly involved, I was still very unimpressed at Rob's behaviour, he ruined an entire Sunday afternoon because of his eruption.
About 15 minutes later I get a phone call from Joe. I immediately panicked because I thought something else had happened. But he called me because he wanted to get out of the apartment. Rob was apparently being really crabby and had isolated himself to the bedroom. So Joe and I decided to watch a movie. We watched Kingdom of Heaven which wasn't the greatest movie, certainly no Star Wars movie. After the movie, we discussed what had happened earlier in the day. Joe had said that he was shocked at what happened. He told me that Rob HAD slapped him and it was a hard one. It startled him. Joe confessed that he was embarassed about the whole thing. But I don't think he should feel that way, it wasn't his fault. Joe said that he was expecting an apology or else there was going to be a huge fight. I was relieved to find out that this was the first time that Rob has hit Joe.
Rob hasn't contacted me yet about what had happened on Sunday. I don't like seeing any form of abuse, no matter how small and insignificant it may be. I can't help but feel that an explanation and apology is owed to me. I certainly want to vocalize how I feel and that I don't want to begin to associate Rob as an abusive person. I think Rob has many issues he needs to work on. I know Rob to be the kind of person to put bandaids on everything. The last time he "rubbed me" the wrong way, he simply wanted to put a bandaid over it. And I let him. I'm just not comfortable with that type of solution. I think Rob has serious problems with his coping mechanisms and I think he needs to develop healthy ways to deal with stress and anxiety. Because he simply cannot continue down the path he's traveling on. He could risk losing everything.
Well, that's it for this little dramatic story. I'm off for a hike with Marshall! Talk to you later.
