*Note all entries are added cronicological order from the begining of the month to the end. (dd/mm/yy)
(08/05/03) OMG! I had a totally hot dream last night! I had a totally HOT day yesterday period! It was CAH-RAAY-ZEE! But first the dream. I had it early this morning. And as all dreams go, you never know how you got there! Anyway this dream was about TOM! So this is how it went, I was in a room next to Tom actually we were kind of lying in different beds that were side by side. I think they were beds, either that big lounges or something. Anyway, I remember being on a bed closest to the wall, and Tom was across from me not to far. And behind him was a window, but his bed wasn't against the window... actually he appeared to be in the centre of the room. Also, I think there was a TV at the foot of Tom's bed. I don't know if we were watching anything.
Anyway, I don't know how we got started, but it probably started with a dare or something, but Tom started to masturbate in front of me. I think I was suppose to join along with him. I mighth have, but probably covered myself so he couldn't see much. However, I saw alot of Tom! Actually, now that I think of it, I really didn't see much. He was dress in those sexy grey pants that I like seeing him in, they show off his thighs and ass the best. He was also wearing his green sweater that he normally wore in the winter. I didn't see any of his abs or anything. Anyway, the dream seemed to happen quiet quick. I also remember feeling kind of embarassed and that I shouldn't be watching, but I did.
The next thing I remember was turning away just as he was cumming. I got up and grabbed a tissue to wipe himself off with. That's when I glanced over and saw his hand wrapped around his decent sized hardon. I saw all the cum oozing around the head of his penis and running slowly down around his fist. I through the tissue over the sight and sat back down. I turned away again, but somehow still managed to see him wiping up. Then I figured he's through the tissue on the ground, but he didn't. He through it somewhere where I couldn't get it. He got up and out of his bed thing and threw it away. Then he sat down and, I think he asked me if I was going to cum. I told him something along the lines that now is not the time.
And that's the end of that dream! Crazy! I couldn't believe it. I woke up this morning and I couldn't believe what I just saw. Then I started to wonder if possibly that's what Tom had dreamt, and I somehow managed to see it as well. That would be cool... sort of dream sharing. I wonder what Tom dreamt about last night. I wonder if there is such a thing as dream sharing? Hmmm.
In other news, I didn't do anything yesterday. Other than go to work and then come home. Actually I chatted with Sydney while I was at work. We had a blast. I was suppose to call him last night, but Dragan was home. Sydney and I had made some interesting plans... but they were foiled.
That's all for now!
(09/05/03) I did it! I actually did it! I managed to run around my course last night without stopping! It was amazing. When I started off running, I felt tired, like I'm not going to make it, I've been feeling like that for the past couple of runs, but then I ended up leveling out. Well I made it to a point in which I stopped during my last run, and as I always do, I try to push myself further. Well I got there and kept on running. Then it hit me, this incredible high. It was like a second wind. My lungs felt like they could stretch out even further and take in more air. So I kept on running. I could tell my side was starting to hurt, but the high dulled the sensation. So I ran all the way around without stopping. It was the most amazing feeling ever! Also, I got an A+ in my Durkhiem Function Analysis class! So that's sweet too!
The only bad thing is that I thought about Tom more than anything last night. I felt so torn and hurt all over again. I really miss him. I really, really miss him. I wish I could just hear him again, listen to his laugh. Look at his goofy face :) But... he hasn't even emailed me yet. I guess I'll just have to wait, wait for my turn. He'll probably get bored of being at home and want to email me right?
I also had a dream about Tom last night. It was different. I know he was in it, I felt his presence, and I think I saw him, but I definitely know that he was there. It was strange. Well that's about all for my dramatic life.
(10/05/03) I'm feeling a bit frustrated today. I guess I'm just plain frustrated with life lately. I can't seem to get what I want. I've decided thats what it all boils down to. I can't seem to get exactly what I want out of life right now. I just wish some things were easier to obtain than others.
I had another dream with Tom in it. Tom has been plaguing my dreams a lot lately. I don't know what it is! It's probably because I've been thinking about him alot lately. Anyway, my dream also had my twin brother in it. I'm not to sure what was going on. I was in an unfamiliar place. And I think it was my brother who brought these wooden structures to chop with our hands. I don't know, don't ask me it doesn't make any sense. Anyway, Tom was there too. I saw him several times. The thing that I remember most is seeing him walking towards me. Let me illustrate this better.
We were all getting ready for bed. My brother and I were just going to share a bed like we did when we were kids, no big problem, and we were going to let Tom sleep by himself. Well, I was already in bed and my brother is wondering where Tom went. I didn't know where he went, but knew that he left. Just then, I saw him walking towards me. Crossing a bridge, he was wearing his winter coat... undone, and he was wearing plaid colored pajama bottoms. He had his hands in his pockets too! He went to go buy pajamas so he could sleep. And that's the most definitive vision I had of him last night.
Last night Marshall came over and we went roller blading. I was nervous for the both of us. I wasn't sure if he was a good blader because I wasn't. Marshall wanted to be adventurous and make our way down to Rideau River, but to get there, I knew we had to go down hill, down bank street, and I didn't know how to stop myself using the little rubber break! Well, it wasn't too bad, we made it down to the river in one piece.
We bladded down the path and stopped at a few benches to rest our feet. My feet were hurting bad. We didn't roller blade for too long. We turned around and went to Harvey's for something to eat. That's where I started to vent out my frustrations to Marshall. I'm just so sick and tired of Ottawa's gay community! It really, really sucks. I can't stand gay people some times. They are so portentous! All they do is play mind games, or they are too shallow and materialistic to develope a meaning relationship! Why can't gay men be more like straight men! Straight men don't play games, the are generally real and to the point on many things. They are blunt, they show you when they care, and when they don't care. Although they do more of the latter than anything else, but you know what? I can respect that!
Anyway, I'm so close to the edge that I just may shrug off gay men and gay people for the summer. I just might take the plunge into straightsville and get lost. I like straight people anyway! I can take the occasionaly dip into the gay life... just to get off. There's nothing wrong with that, it's not like I got anything good out of the gay community here in Ottawa anyway.
I went to bed early last night. Marshall walked me back home and then he took off himself. Dragan was already home. He must of gotten of work early. He left too, went to some persons house and then he was off to go see Tracey. I decided to stay home. I was feeling really blah last night. I was missing Tom so much. I was wondering if he missed me as much as I missed him! I wanted to know. I just want to know what he's feeling. I don't want to email him or call him. I don't want to come off as desperate. Besides, why should I do all the work anyway? It's important for me that Tom makes some sort of move, that way I know at least he cares.
I thought being away from him would be easy. But it seems like it isn't. Actually no, I take that back. I think it is easier. At least I wouldn't have to make up as many excuses for him if he was here. At least while he's away, I don't have to think of anything, other than the fact he's living his life at home. I miss Tom the most on weekends. Because it seems as though this is when we spent most of our time together. And we did just about anything too! That was the beauty of it all. We didn't really care what we were doing, just as long as we were doing it together. He didn't mind coming over and staying over til the crack of dawn. He didn't care that we just stayed in and watched a movie or went for a long walk. I miss that. And I think I'll be entering into a form of depression every weekend until I find a replacement, some sort of replacement.
It's difficult to let something so wonderful and special go. It hasn't been an easy task to let Tom go. But I think I'm doing a good job at it. I think I'm just going through a morning phase or something. This is probably normal right? Missing him like this? I'm sure it'll be all over soon. Then I can get back out there and start living my life again. Either that, or I keep on running, exercise all this frustration out. Which I might say, I've lost an incredible amount of wieght as it is. I'm like totally getting skinny!
Well I'm finished writing for today. I think I'm going to get up and do something active today. I know I have to go for a run later tonight. And I'll probably go roller blading. Anyway, later.
(14/05/03) Today is Tracey's birthday. She is like totally old too! I think she's 28 now. Anyway, I spent the night at her place last night. I just needed a break from Dragan is all. He was starting to get on my nerves. And it's been awhile since I left the apartment anyway. I can't wait until I get my first pay cheque, then I'll be leaving for weekends and giving Dragan a break and a chance to sit around the apartment himself. Anyways, Dragan is getting on my nerves. His incompetent short term memory is really eating away at my patience. Also the fact that he doesn't communicate with me. He always waits til the last minute to talk to me. In an attempt to provoke an conflict. I don't know why he does that all the time. He isn't any good at confrontation, and he's childish and petty while dealing with these kinds of situations. It's totally annoying and I don't know what to do about it.
Anyway, I just wanted to get away from Dragan. It's also getting on my nerves that he brings in all this tacky junk into the apartment. I'm very modern and contemporary, and he's very campy and tacky with his retro-not-barely-antiques. Plus he really stinks up the place with his craps and he stinks up the place with his smoking too! I'm not sure if I'll be able to cope with it in the hot hummid summer days. I'm eventually going to have to have a talk with him about those things. Of course there's nothing I can do about his stench, but the smoking yes.
Well I called Tracey yesterday evening and asked if her if I could come over. She was more than excited to have me over. So I packed a few things and made my way over to Tracey's place. When I got there, we started to watch movies. I brought three with me and we watched Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss and started to watch Shinning Through. Both extremely great movies. We also took a walk to grab some mega huge beers! They were a 1.18 Litre size. We got those before we started to watch movies. Around 11pm, I decided to have a hoot with Tracey, I figured that it would help to relax me and make me sleepy. I did get stoned however. We finally crawled into bed just before midnight.
I got a bad case of the gigles last night too! I could stop laughing. I think I was too stoned or something, but I kept making Tracey laugh. Everything seemed to be funny. We went from talking about Jason from Friday the 13th, to talking about big crusty toe nail claws. It was crazy. Another funny incident was shortly after that. We were trying to settle down and get back to sleep. But I was so thirsty, I opened my mouth and had a bad case of the pasties. Anyway, it sounded funny, so I was trying not to laugh. Then Tracey finally turns around and asks me what the heck that noise was. I burst out lauging and explained I was thirsty. She told me to get something to drink.
After that, we finally settle back down again and went to sleep. I started to think about Tom. I started to think about emailing him and started to draft this long email in my head. I can't remember what it all said, but it said that I basically missed him. And that he shouldn't have to feel embarassed or ashamed if he couldn't admit those feelings to me or even to himself. I don't think I'll be sending Tom any sort of emails. I've decided to wait at least 40 days before I finally send an email. Because, Tom rarely ever called me. So I'm sure he's expecting me to call him, and email him. Typical guy for ya eh? Well I've decided to wait 40 days because... well just because. I've got to catch up on my bills, so by the time 40 days has passed, I should have some extra spending cash, if Tom decides to make a visit to Ottawa. I don't know, but we'll see. I'm trying to stay optimistic here.
Well that's about it for now. Marshall left for Germany this morning. He'll be gone for about a week. He said he was going to send postcards. Which made me think, will he be sending a postcard to both Dragan and I? Or seperate? I hope Marshall uses good judgement. Anyway, that's about it for now. The weekend is coming up again, and I have no plans of doing anything. I really want to get away, but with no money, that's a hard thing to do. Okay, I'm ending this one here. Except for this little extra bit that I can't leave here on the main page!
