*Note all entries are added cronicological order from the begining of the month to the end. (dd/mm/yy)
(12/06/07) So, last night was interesting. I was sort of blasé about meeting up with the guy that I had been chatting with the past week or so. I was intially excited about meeting him, we kind of got ourselves excited about, but then, of course, he says he's not available to meet until a week later. I can't stand it when guys do that. "Oh, I really want to meet with you, I can't wait! But, I can't meet up with you until next week." Boo!
Anyway, the week went by and before you know it, its Monday and its the day the guy wanted to meet. Again, I was pretty blasé about it. I was indifferent if it panned out or not. But as the day went on, and several emails later we firm-up the plans. Which were: that he would come and pick me up and we'd go to his place.
The only thing worth mentioning was that, yes, he was cute. He's an older guy, closer to 40. But what was strange was the fact that he had this GPS unit in his car. It told him where to go. I thought it was the strangest thing. The audio from it was almost inaudible. It took me some time to get use to the artifical voice. I had to laugh and ask him, "What if you took the wrong turn? Will it tell you, 'hey, you're going the wrong way'"? hehehe. It was funny.
Well... as this girl doesn't kiss and tell, it was satisfactory, but nothing extraordinary. One of the bonuses was that it didn't take too long. Again, this goes to show just how blasé I was about it all. But on the other hand, there might of been a slight chance I Was slightly distracted because of Tony. Before I left I had noticed that he left a message on my phone.
When I got home, I called Tony right away and chatted with him for a bit. Then I had asked him if he was going to come over and visit. He said he would. So I quickly grabbed something to eat and watched TV until he showed up. When he got there, we went for a walk down to Dairy Queen. It was much cooler outside than it was inside the apartment.
Dairy Queen was insanely busy, as it always is this time of year. The line up started outside the store. To make things worse (or awkward), Stéphane was there. I'm sure that's the first time I've mentioned that name. Stéphane is someone that I know from the Faculty of Law. Quite cute for his age, and as I told Tony, he's got a nice ass.
I tried to pretend not to notice Stéphane while I was there. But Tony had to pick a table that was somewhat close to him. So of course Stéphane was able to see me, but I couldn't see him.
Dairy Queen screwed up Tony's order! Poor Guy. hehehe. They were suppose to dip his waffle bowl in chocolate which they didn't. He said he felt ripped off. That's funny. I got the safe ole plain ice cream cone dipped in chocolate. Normally I get vanilla ice cream, but I decided to live on the edge and get chocolate dipped in chocolate.
We eventually made our way back to my place and we were both feeling lazy. I got subtle hints from Tony that he wanted to do a particular activity if you know what I mean. But I couldn't, cause... I was already spent, and also my roommate was in the dinning room. So that wouldn't have worked well. We settled on a movie. We watched The Fifth Element. I knew that I was too tired to watch the whole thing, but I wanted to spend more time with Tony. So we sat side by side on my large white sofa and got comfy. There were a few moments that my eyes closed and I might have dosed off for like 30 seconds, but I stayed awake. I think the same went for Tony.
I eventually laid my legs across Tony's just to make solid body contact. He didn't protest. Actually, now that I think of it, he didn't even complain about his legs falling asleep. Oh well. It's not like my legs weigh a ton or anything.
The movie ended at 12:30am and I was really tired. Prior to the movie ending, I started to think what we were going to do next. I was exhausted and the only thing that I wanted to do was go to bed. Its just that... I didn't want to go to bed alone. I debated on asking him if he was interested in staying over. I'm sure he would of. Its not like he really enjoys staying at his place anymore.
I kept debating this until the movie ended. I knew I had to get up in the morning, but he coulc have driven me to work which would have allowed me to sleep in a little longer. But I wasn't sure if he wanted to wake up bright and early on my account. Well, the movie had ended and I didn't offer him to stay over. I kind of seized up. And he didn't say anything. He just said, "I guess I'll go home and sleep". Oh, he did ask me if I had to work the next morning. So perhaps he was thinking about the same thing.
I can't beleive how difficult it is to hang out with him, not that last night posed any difficulties. But I'm not completely blind to the possible dangers of allowing myself to get "lazy". I know that I can't simply allow myself to fall into a relationship with him. He's far to different and things between us are so ridiculously complicated, it would not work. But it felt so good to see him again. It felt good sitting next to him. It felt good to be next to another human being who wasn't put-off by close contact. He certainly wasn't opposed to me placing my legs across him. That felt good. If it hadn't been so warm last night, I might have rested against him while we watched the movie.
ACK! That would have been worse! So it was probably a good thing that it was warm out. But it would have been nice to have him sleep over. It would have been great to just be in close quarters with him knowing that he's just right there, even though I didn't really need him. Does that sound crazy? It sounds crazy to me. But he didn't stay. He left. And I guess that's a good thing.
So, you want to know what I spent the majority of today doing? I wrote cover letters for Tony for a couple of jobs that I saw on line. I was going to email them to him so he could email them out to where they got to go; but I haven't done that yet. I'm actually debating on whether I should just fax them myself.
See what spending time with him does to me? A part of me thinks that if he had a great job here in Ottawa he would move back and his whole life would mold into something new and different. That it would mold into something that would be more comfortable for me. I'm not even sure if he really wants to move back here, especially for a job that he'll probably hate. But the poor guy has little to know experience doing anything. Besides, he did mention last night that he did have a lot of work to do at his mother's house this summer and that he would probably spend all summer working on it.
I think I'll just email him the cover letters with instructions on what to do. I'll leave it to him to see what he does. If he sends them off, then at least he's willing to give Ottawa a second chance (Or am I thinking, he's willing to give us a second chance?).
(13/06/07) - MORNING - Well, like an idiot I waited to hear back from Tony. He never returned my phone call. I called him a few times yesterday to see if he was still in Ottawa. I really wanted to see him again. I hate that when it happens! What's so great about him? I know who he is. It's just that, when I see him, logic goes out the window and I just enjoy him being there. Either I'm feeling vulnerable and just really want a guy in my life; or I truly have feelings for Tony.
There's no doubt that I'm hurting. Why hasn't he returned my phone calls or answered my email. To make things worse, I feel like such an idiot for wasting my time writing him cover letters for him to get a job. That guy isn't going to get a job if his life depended on it.
No, I think I have to open my eyes and see that he's not going to change into the man that I want him to be. I doubt he even cares to even try. I know that I can't make him. I've alwasy known that. I've admitted that to Rob every time I talk to him about Tony.
AFTERNOON - I joined this gay hiking group here in Ottawa; that I yet have to actually participate in. But they are arranging this hike next weekend that sounds absolutely devine! The group is off to Ampersand Mountain in the Adirondacks! I did some internet research and it sounds like it would be a great weekend trip. The hiking group is going to make it a day trip. But that sounds like a lot of work and energy for one day. I'm thinking about asking Tony if he wants to run away for the weekend. It sounds like it could be a lot of fun!
(15/06/07) Brad. I'm sure I've mentioned Brad briefly before. The first time I ran into Brad was over a year ago. TJ had invited me along to a string of Christmas parties one year. The last party that we went to before we ended up at a bar was at some older gentlemen's party. That's where Brad was. I guess Brad and TJ know each other from volleyball.
Anyway, I thought Brad was the cuter one out of the whole bunch. And he kept looking my way. I guess I was just in a particular mood that night and just assumed that Brad was looking at TJ. I mean, they were previously acquainted. There's no knowing if he was looking at me because I stuck pretty close to TJ that night. My surroundings were intimidating.
Well, TJ also thought that Brad was checking him out. So he made the move. He ended up slipping Brad his phone number. Low and behold, nothing became of that.
In retrospect, I think Brad was curious and intrigued about the new younger guy that had arrive at that party. I know I gave Brad a few looks as though I was interested, but like I said, I thought he was totally eyeing up TJ.
Well, Brad joined curling and that's where I started to get better acquainted with him. That was just this past year. We didn't exchange email and phone numbers until I took the initiative to email him. Right off the bat he tells me that he's not interested in getting into a relationship. I was a bit surprised, but appreciated the honesty. So that's where our little 'friendship' started.
Anyway, I had lunch with Brad today. I thought I would introduce him in case I hadn't already. Brad's a cool guy. He's somebody that I could totally date. He's over 6 feet, masculine acting, very cute, nice smile, and just a touch bit older than I am. The only off thing is, is that he totally needs a make-over! I'm sure I could influence him there. A small part of me thinks that he'll come around and he'll start to get attached to me and want to go out with me.
Well, back to my story. At lunch he mentions this kilimanjaro hike that he wants to do. I was totally surprised because I saw this documentary about a group of hikers who went up there and I thought it cost a fortune - like $10,000. But Brad said he had found this $2000 package that included a hike up the mountain. I was totally interested and he got excited about me getting excited. So I've tentatively agreed that I would accompany him up there. Wouldn't that be something though? Just to experience it? The only problem is, how does a student save up money for a luxury trip at the same time he's saving up for the following academic school year? (Daddy... help).
I also took the opportunity to invite Brad over to my little BBQ that I'm having this weekend. I'm soooo disappointed with the RSVPing. But then again, I did plan the BBQ on father's day weekend. Lots of my friends have gone off back home. Anyway, Brad said that he would totally go. So at least I'll have one guest there. LOL
(18/06/07) This is going to be one of this infamous epic entries. As much as I enjoy writing them, I don't. It can take hours writing it. But I'm going to try and make it short.
FRIDAY - This weekend started on Friday night. One of my fellow law school colleagues, Christina had invited me over for a Roast Beast dinner party. I responded to her, "but honey, I'm a vegetarian! What on earth am I going to eat there?" But she said not to worry because there will be lots of veggie-friendly food there.
Well, after I got home from work, I initially wasn't going to go. I just felt to lazy to get ready and head on over. But I had just happened to check my email and noticed a message from her. She had said that she had hoped to see me come. I couldn't resist after reading that. So I messaged her back and told her that I would come, but arrive late. I made myself something to eat. I wasn't going to take my chances!
I grabbed a bottle of wine on my way over to Christina's place. When I got there, there was already a wack of people there. I keep forgetting that her boyfriend is also in school and he had invited his friends over. There were three groups of friends there that evening. There were Christina's boyfriend's history masters students friends; Christina's MBA friends; and law students. There were waaay fewer law students than others.
One of the biggest reasons why I didn't want to go was because I knew that I had to be totally socialable with strangers. And I don't always like doing that because I'm a shy guy. But on the way over, I physched myself up. I told myself that I would be outgoing and friendly and just jump into a conversation.
Well, I'm happy to report, that's exactly what I had done. I sat down in a chair, with my mug of wine (Christina had run out of wine glasses) and I just engaged in conversation. Thankfully though, there was a social-genius there. She carried the conversation and got everyone around involved. That was really cool. And it made it that much easier for me to participate. All in all, I had a lot of fun this time round. The previous party that I went to, I didn't have too much fun.
I left Christina's with a slight buzz. Her apartment was warm so that just fueled me getting loose. I did drink some coffee before leaving though; which I'm sure helped but also probably wasn't a good idea because it kept me awake when I got home. I didn't get to sleep until closer to 2am. That was bad because I had to be up in the morning and start preparing for the BBQ I was hosting.
SATURDAY - You'll never guess who calls me in the I proposed the idea to him and he said that he would after he finished visiting a friend of his. He gave me a 2 hour guesstimate of how long that would take. That meant he would have been over to my place by noon.
So I kept myself busy with cleaning my apartment until he arrived. He didn't get to my place until closer to 1pm. He arrived and of course he's a mess. He was already sweaty and stuff and tells me that he hadn't taken a shower yet that day. I was kind of grossed out. He sat on my couch to cool off. I was anxious to get going because I had a lot to do. That's when he dropped his little bomb. He tells me that he wants me to go with him to Chapters at Southkeys to meet with one of his loser friends. I told him that I didn't want to go. I was a bit irritated and was a little harsh on his friends. But the last time I got dragged out while he visited his friends, I was soooo totally BORED and I did NOT enjoy myself at all. I was on the verge of being pissed with him for dragging me along.
Well, I told him that I found his friends boring and basically, stupid. I have meet his friends on more than one occassion and hearing them talk was brutal. I wasn't able to participate without correcting their facts of statement, or even begin lecturing. It really bothered me that uneducated people making sociological claims without ANY academic background. Granted, people have the right to their opinions, and I'm excluding those opinions; but just hearing them getting it all wrong drove me nuts. Of course this altered their opinions making them misinformed about stuff. Anyway, I tried articulating this to Tony inspite of my irritation that he planned something else instead of helping me out.
I told him that he could go visit his friend and then come back to me when he was finished. So that's what he did. Except, I didn't hear back from him until later that afternoon. I was incredibly pissed off because I had to run all my errands myself and it took me 4 hours with as many as 7 trips to transport everything. I was exhausted, my muscles were sore and tired and I was of course HOT. He phoned me while I was taking a shower to cool off. I returned his call with an icy message that I might call him later. I didn't.
I was really disappointed in him. At that moment, I knew that I gone to the other side of the fence that new that Tony and I could not be a couple. I was happy to be on that side of the fence. What I was a little saddened about was that we didn't get to discuss my weekend getaway. I kind of pushed that to the back of my mind and I would think about it later. I had a BBQ to attend to.
The BBQ was fun and relaxing. Almost everyone that I had recieved an RSVP from showed up, except one. But she later told me that she got lost and figured it was too late to come. It didn't bother me so much because everyone else arrived. Brad was the first person to arrive. Wendy and Jann also showed up too! I met these ladies last summer. Everyone had a great time and everyone left within a decent time too. My body was hurting pretty bad so I called it a night quite earlier. Not to mention that I went to be late the previous night.
SUNDAY - Tony had called and left a message during my BBQ. He said that he would give me a call in the morning. I figured, if he did, he did. If he didn't, then he didn't. Either way, I was completely indifferent. Thank goodness Joe called me. He helped me greatly to forget about Tony.
Joe asked me if I wanted to go out for breakfast with him. It's been awhile since I went out for breakfast so I said yes. Little did I know how much of a comedy of errors this was going to be. He suggested a place downtown, his favourite place which I had to veto because that place was not vegetarian friendly. So in the alternative I suggested Cora's. He didn't think we would get a table, and I said if we left soon, we could probably beat the bigger crowd.
Rob was in the background and of course he offered to give Joe a ride over to my place. I thought GREAT! But of course, Rob being Rob had to instill a bunch of rules and limitations and things had to be done his way. He's so annoying when he gets a little bit of power. He's such a power tripper. Anyway, in order for Rob to give Joe a ride, they had to leave right away. BUT they wouldn't get to my place until 30 minutes later because Rob's priorities trumped everyone else. In exchange for the waiting, Rob drove Joe and I to the restaurant.
Enter the next annoying plot. Both Joe and I totally forgot that it was Father's Day weekend and of course Cora's was going to be busy! And it was! Joe put us on the waiting list as soon as we got there. But the dumb hostess was not following the list. So when she called out table for two, these two ladies jumped in front of us and took it! Can you believe that! So I guess the manager came over and ordered the hostess to gain some control over the list. So she went around and wrote everyone's names down again. This time I put us on the list. We were like number 4 on the list. So she goes around and finally comes back to the cash register, where I was standing. And I noticed 3 names were scrunched in before mine. And I'm standing there thinking.... "uh.. almost everyone that was here before us has already gotten a seat, how did these three people get in front of us?" But I didn't have to worry too much because Joe and I were only two people. We got a table quite quickly.
Next annoying chapter. I can't believe our luck! We got seated right next to a table with a family! And they had 2 infants!! We couldn't request another table because the restaurant was full. So we just sat there. It didn't take long before the youngest of the infants started to scream. I could hardly hear Joe. The mother didn't want to pick up the baby so the baby just kept on screaming. Everyone around us was annoyed. No one appreciated it. The father finally picked up the baby. It kind of quieted down. So Joe and I continued our little chat only to be interrupted by the screaming of the older infant. We looked over and a cup of HOT coffee was knocked over and it had spilt onto the kids legs. So the two men that were there picked up the kid and ran him to the bathroom. I have NO idea why a cup of coffee was placed so closely to the child! Or how the child managed to grab a hold of it. Needless to say that totally spoiled breakfast.
Oh but wait, it gets worse! After an hour long wait, we finally get our food and the kids were getting restless and cranky because even they haven't gotten their food yet and one of the kids throws a glass onto the floor and it shattered. WHY did the waitress give a kid a glass made of glass? That got everyone's attention again. Not only that, one of the mother's was getting restless so she stands up and picks up one of the kids and was totally getting in the waitress' way. You would have thought that these people NEVER get out of their house!
I was glad to get out of there. During breakfast Joe and I decided to check out the new Fantastic Four movie. Neither one of us would have even watched it if it wasn't for Chris Evans. We were both desperately in the need of serious eye candy - especially after our breakfast ordeal! LOL
The movie wasn't that great but Chris totally made it worth while. I was a bit disappointed at the editing though, the kept on cutting out the gratuitous crotch shots. Just when you think we'll get a good shot of his crotch in that tight jump suit, the camera cuts away. So there wasn't much of Chris's ass or crotch in the movie. There were a few scenes of him being shirtless, but I think it was more toned down than the last installment. On the other hand though, that didn't stop them from exploiting Jessica Alba! Grrrr!
But man! Would I totally love to get my hands on Chris's ass! I would love for him to come over to my place wearing that skin tight uniform without any underwear! hehehe I think it would be fun to put a hot cocky guy like that in his place! I would totally feel him up starting with that perfectly round ass! And of course he'd enjoy it because he's a closeted gay! He would be sporting a full tent in those tights! Whew! Talk about HOT stuff eh? I better stop!
After the movie Joe and I had dinner at Pizza Hut. I had offered to cook something for him since I had sooo much left overs from the BBQ. I didn't know what I was going to do with it all! But he saw Pizza Hut and that's where we stopped.
I couldn't stop thinking about Tony! Can you believe that? As much as he pissed me off the day before, I started to think about him. I kept thinking, if its not too late, I can still call him and maybe see him. Isn't that crazy? I figured, we could at least get together for coffee or something. I also wondered if he had called me like he said he would.
But of course, when I got home there were no messages. And he didn't even bother to call that day. I was disappointed again. No surprise there. I was also hopelessly stupid too. I decided to call him anyway. I think back and wonder, why did I feel so strongly compelled to call him? What was I expecting?
He answered his phone, but he was no longer in Ottawa. He was already back at his mothers, which meant that he had to have left earlier in the day. I didn't talk long with him. I just collected my thoughts (that he didn't bother to call me before he left) and said I'd see him around. He did tell me that he would be back again and that he would give me a call.
I must be crazy! Do crazy people know that they're crazy? Why do I allow myself to get so caught up in him? What drives me to behave so... capricious? It's driving me nuts! And this whole him-being-away doesn't help matters much. What I need to start doing is forgetting about him. I need to move on and close this chapter in my life. He is after all, moving away.
(21/06/07) First I'll start off with the bad news. Well, its not bad per se, but it sure is disappointing. I still haven't heard back from Tony about this weekend! I really wanted to go on this little camping trip! It would have been sooo much fun. And its the best weekend to do it too because its suppose to be like cold this weekend. I'm so sick of the humidity that we've been having; so this cold break would be awesome! Especially in the great outdoors. BUT, I haven't gotten any response back from Tony at all. I'm sooooo totally disappointed in him. He could have just simply emailed me back and said: "I can't make it, sorry". But he hasn't. So I don't think I'll be going to the Adirondaks this weekend. (sigh)
On a more positive note though, I had lunch with Brad today. That guy is a busy body. He's got a busy social calendar. I'm glad that we're spending more time together. I think he's really helping me through this transition period of phasing out Tony. I'm mean, let's compare them. Brad is just as cute as Tony. They are both the same height. But Brad seems to be more educated than Tony. Brad works for the government and has a good stable job. He's smart and a very good listener. He's out going and we seem to have some common interests.
I've learned more about those interests from today. We decided to meet up and go for a walk for lunch. We talked about his trip to Washington state. He'll be there for TWO whole weeks. He'll be back on the 6th of July. What on Earth am I going to do while he's away? That seems so long away! And just when it seems like we're spending more and more time together. I hope this doesn't put a speed bump into things. As I have said before, a small part of me things that Brad will come round and will become romantically involved with me. I mean, I would be opposed to it. hehehe
The other thing we talked about was planes! I told him that I like planes - commerical jets that is. I told him that I've always wanted to go to the airport and watch the airplanes take off and land. That got him excited because he said that's what he does! Can you believe that? He said that he will invite me the next time he and his friend goes out there. I think that's amazing. Finding a someone who shares an interest like that. So we chatted about planes for the remainder of our walk. I guess I'll have to brush up on my aircraft knowledge for the next time we chat. I'll have two weeks to do it.
Well, that's about it for today. It sucks that Brad's leaving for two weeks and it sucks even more that Tony is being a jerk and not responding to my emails. Oh well, life must go on. I'm sure I'll forget all about Tony soon enough. I just need a REALLY good distraction! But, he's leaving for two weeks! (Oh the drama of a gay boy!) hahaha.
(25/06/07) It's always weird hearing that from somebody. I wouldn't consider myself sexy. I wouldn't describe myself as being sexy. It's sometimes hard to simply say that I'm cute. Do I feel this way because I'm a humble person? Or do I think this because I'm not confident in myself? Or do I think this because I reasonably and logically understand that attraction is entirely subjective to the person viewing you?
This moment all started on Friday morning when I read my weekend horoscope. It said: "You're normally a big-picture kind of person, but it's all about the details this week. A fascinating new guy finds you very attractive." I had to chuckle at the last sentence because who on earth would I be with if I didn't already know them? I started to think that if there was any truth in that it would have to be someone that I already know and that their feelings for me have changed. That thought gave me a quick shutter because I'm not romantically interested in any of my current friends, well except one - Brad - but he's currently on the other side of the country and I knew I wouldn't be seeing him.
When I woke up Saturday morning, I checked my email and received a message from Joshua! I don't see much of him because he moved away from Ottawa about 3 years ago, but we still stay in contact whenever he's in the city. Anyway, this message tells me to give him a call. This would only mean that he's in Ottawa. So I call him and leave him a message.
Later that evening, Joshua invites me down to a restaurant that his cousin owns. And that's where I met "the new guy". At this point, I totally forgot about my facetious horoscope. When I first laid eyes on him, I thought that he was a very attractive guy. Joshua introduced him as Jason. My first impression was that Jason was straight. He looked straight. And its not wise to assume that every guy Joshua knows is gay. Jason was really shy but did his best to start up a conversation with me. I'm a terribly shy person myself and I did my best to answer his question in full sentences.
Joshua and I decided that we were going to have a night out on the town (suprise, surprise). I had asked Jason if he was going to join us. He didn't think that he would, as he doesn't go out very often. He left shortly after that. At that moment, I thought that I would never see him again.
As the night wore on, Joshua and I ended up at a pub where we meet some other friends. Ericka was there. It was the first time I saw her in like a year! Anyway, its important to note that, prior to getting to the pub, Joshua had changed into some pretty funky clothes. So I felt underdressed in my "manpris" (as Joshua calls them). So I snuck off home to change. I didn't think it would take me so long. But it took me like an hour and Joshua thought I had taken off on him. Luckily, by the time I returned, they were still there.
He was so mad, apparently. But he thought it was funny that I had gone home to change. I didn't think it was so funny. But he did. He kept on telling people that afterwards. Anyway, I felt that my new outfit was totally hot and club appropriate.
From there, we decided to head on down to the local gay bar. Joshua was busy chatting away on his cell phone. As we approached the bar he said that his "friend" was joining us and that we had to wait outside for him. Well, his friend ended up being Jason.
I was happy to see him again. This meant that I had a second opportunity to try and get to know him. However, that proved to be somewhat difficult in a dance bar. The music was loud and I was forced to yell into his ear. We both remained bashful and only made small talk. But we did look at each other a lot and smiled at each other. I smiled because I was crazy nervous. I'm not sure why he smiled.
The funny thing is, we both confessed to each other that we weren't great dancers, but by the end of the night, we were both on the dance floor gyrating our hips and thrusting our pelvises to techno music. On some level, I was trying to dance close to him, but not too close. I didn't want to come on too strongly. But he caught me off guard when he sashayed over and danced right up against me. Alright, alright, this might sound a little juvenile and may make me sound like a total loser who doesn't get any; but I got excited. Of course in attempt to avoid embarrassment, I kind of pulled back a bit. Which could have been taken the wrong way, but that shouldn't be something he should be privy too this early in the game should it?
The night continued on and the three of us eventually ended up at my place. I think we were up an additional hour or hour and half before Joshua started to pass out. I can't remember clearly, but Jason and I ended up in my kitchen and we were making out. I can't remember who kissed who first, but there we were - lip locked. Things heated up quite quickly after that. Jason was a fast mover, before I knew it he had unzipped my jeans and was already working away at me. We managed to make our way back to my room.
"You're sexy you know that?" he said hours later as he lay on top of me. He chest was pressed against mine and our hearts beating off each other. His legs were intertwined with mine. He was looking straight into my eyes and smiling. It wasn't one of those friendly smiles, or polite smiles; it was a genuine smile as though he was surprised himself. Surprised to be in the arms of a sexy person (I blush now as I probably did then).
I can just imagine that I gave him this look like I didn't believe him or that he surely must be mistaken. "you are" he said again kissing me this time assuring me with a physical act of his sentiment. We fell asleep together with his arms wrapped around me as though he didn't want to lose what he had found. It seemed that every time I woke up to look at him he was already looking back at me. He kissed me every chance he got. He has amazing lips, full and luscious.
I can't even remember been kissed like that before. Being kissed and feeling - knowing how much he enjoys it. He couldn't stop smiling, and I could stop smiling. I felt like a giddy little girl. We slept again and woke up much later in the afternoon. He was still holding me and again, kissed me the moment I looked into his eyes. I rolled over and rested my head on his smooth chest. I listened to the steady pounding of his heart.
Me? Sexy? Was he blind? LOL No, I’m sure what he saw was something he was greatly attracted to. What makes a person sexy? The way they look obviously right? Or is it some other attribute? Was it just me that he was attracted to? Or was it something deeper? As much as I want these questions answered, I’m scared to find out; what if what happened was a weekend fling? I mean; some guys are just that passionate, right? He did leave me with all of his contact information - any way possible for me to contact him. That's a good sign right?
I don't want to jinx myself, but... could he be it? Is he the one? Are the days of me being single coming to an end? Like I said, I don't want to jinx myself, but I'll keep you posted.
(27/06/07) I spent 2 hours on the phone last night with Jason. I was quite nervous to call him. Actually Joshua goaded me to call him. Joshua phoned me last night to talk; so I just HAD to ask Joshua if Jason had mentioned me at all. Well, Joshua being Joshua had already covered that area and it was the first thing he asked Jason when he had the chance. He totally probed Jason. Well, as it turns out, Jason really does like me. And Joshua approves. He said he feels good knowing that Jason is involved with a wonderful guy like me.
Anyway, so at the end of that conversation Joshua was pushing me to call him. "Just do it" he tells me. That was easier said than done. I was nervous and scared! Would I sound too desperate? Had enough time elaspe to call him? But Joshua said it would be fine considering that Joshua was interested. So I did... 20 minutes later. LOL I had to build up the courage first.
So I dialed his number and he answered. After the initial introductions he tells me he's already on the phone and would call me back. I said ok. For whatever reason, I felt rejected and brushed off. I panicked! I called Joshua right away. "You're done already?" he said. I said "No, I just called him." He had a good laugh. I told him that Jason was talking to someone. So I ask Joshua if Jason was good at returning phone calls. Joshua had to laugh again and said, "well he NEVER calls me back right away. But I'm sure he'll call you." So we chatted for a bit until my phone beeped. It was him!
We chatted for about 2 hours! We started off with a general small talk but quickly evolved into more personal chatting. It wasn't too long before we were chatting about the weekend. I can't remember what I said, but I said something for him to say, "do you like being held?" I got quiet for a second then quietly said yes. Then he asked, "did you like me holding you?" I had to blush, thank goodness I was on the phone. I said quietly back with the biggest smile on my face, "yeah, I liked it". I then asked him if he liked holding me and he said yes.
Another highlighting point in the conversation was that he invited me over to his place 'sometime'. It was a vague statement, but I think in the context of the conversation, I think he was implying to come over and spend the night. Well, I hope that's what he was implying because I responded: "Do you have air-conditioning?", he said no, then I said: "well, I have air-conditioning; so it won't be so hot and uncomfortable if you're in close proximity to someone." He just giggled his cute little giggle and then quickly shot out: "Is that what you were thinking Sunday afternoon?" LOL I had to laugh because the temperature was rising Sunday and it was starting to get humid. I told him "no, of course not."
We've planned our first "date" together this weekend. I'm going to meet up with him after he is finished work and we're going to watch a movie. We're going to watch Transformers. He seems pretty excited about it. About the movie that is. I'm just excited about spending time with him - especially in a dark cool place! :D I wonder if he'll put his arm around me in the theatre?
(28/06/07) So, I just had lunch with Jason. We talked to each other last night and I had asked him what he was doing tomorrow (today) and he said he had to work at 3pm. I asked him what he was doing before he went to work? And he picked up on the clue right away and said, "did you want to meet up for lunch or 'whatever'?" I giggled like a school girl and said yes. I agreed to have a later lunch so it would better fit into his schedule. So we planned on having lunch at 1:30.
As usual, I was pretty excited about it. I was also very nervous too. This would be the first time I've seen Jason since the weekend. As crazy as this sounds, I almost forgot what he looks like! (As if eh?)
It was a long morning needless to stay but lunch finally rolled around. I spent like 15 minutes in the bathroom freshening up. I didn't konw what to expect. Of course, the loser that I am, I start whipping up this romantic lunch in which we're both very playful and flirty with each other. I did let my mind slip for a brief moment exploring x-rated versions. LOL But on a more realistic note, I thought that some sort of "footsie" game would occur under the table. And I definitely forseen a nice soft romantic kiss from him after our little lunch date.
Jason showed up early. It was amazing seeing him again. It was the first time that I realized his height. He was also absolutely gorgeous. More so than when I first saw him. Isn't that crazy? He wore a baseball cap like a frat boy. Actually, his entire outfit was like a frat boy. It made him look even sexier. I started to feel intimidated.
We decided to go to this little Indian restuarant not too far from where I worked. It was kind of strange being with him again. I was both excited and nervous. I felt his eyes roaming over my body. He kinda walked behind me, which made me nervous. I couldn't stop smiling. Lunch was okay, and our conversation was okay too. It was much different than compared to our telephone conversations. He was more conservative and more shy. I think I did most of the talking. I did my best to make him laugh though.
I was disappointed that there wasn't any "foot" play going on. Nor did he reach over the table to hold my hand (stupid fantasies!). We ate quite quickly to tell you the truth. He wanted to go for a walk. So we did that, and we again, seemed to struggle to keep a conversation flowing. I got this impression that he was in a rush; but I was the one who was on a time limit. He still had quite some time left before he was expected at work.
He walked me back to my office and he hugged me. I tried giving him a good hug but he was wearing his back-pack which made it more difficult. Still no kiss. And that was that. My romantic lunch date didn't seem to be as fantastic as I had envisioned. Are my feelings different than his? Do I like him more than he likes me? What's going on here? I can feel those horse blinders sliding into place and logic and reason are being pulled away from reach.
I like Jason. And I want to spend more time with him. Is there anything wrong with that?
(30/06/07) Oh man, where do I begin? And where do I end? LOL Tony called me Thursday night but I didn't bother to return his phone call until Friday afternoon. He wasn't up to much so we decided that we would have dinner together. He came over and picked me up and we went to Pizza Hut. Talking to him; I must admit, as has gotten much easier since Jason came into my life. I no longer have those feelings if abandonment; or those feelings of "what if?". That all seemed miles behind me now. So I was able to just enjoy spending time with Tony. He continued to update me on his woes of living with his mother and how much fun that is. I just nod my head these days because I feel that he made those choices. He had the opportunity to make choices that would have led him down a different path. But I don't think he did anything. I think he was always too lazy to do anything. So, I nod my head at his woes. He made his bed, he can sleep in it.
I'm not that much of a bitch though. I do try to put things in a brighter light for him so he doesn't feel so trapped. We do laugh at his situation. I laugh even harder at his crazy antics of his mother and tell him how much he's turning into to her; and that they are so similar. He only half laughs at that though.
After dinner, we decide to go for desert. We travelled all the way out to Gloucester for desert. Nickel's has the best chocolate cake. However, I feel that its important to note that over the years Nickel's has been getting skimpy on the slices. It's gotten much smaller! And they think I haven't noticed! LOL Oh well, its just as well because I can't (shouldn't) eat the whole slice to myself. Too much sugar! Tony helped me eat it.
Later in the evening, as Tony was driving me home he tells me that he needs a place to sleep. I didn't repsond right away. I didn't know how to respond immediately. Knowing me, I wanted to desperately turn the moment into something dramatic. Should I make a big melodramatic monologue about how I met Jason and that we had fallen in love with each other and that having Tony sleep over would only complicate things? No, that was purely ridiculous! I listen to reason and just simply said that it wouldn't a problem. I did however, have plans with Joe the following morning and that Tony would have to leave when I did. He said that wouldn't be a problem.
So, Tony dropped me off and he left to finish cleaning out his apartment. It was then that it had finally sunk in. Tony was moving away. He was leaving Ottawa. He wouldn't be a phone call away anymore. Not even the thought of Jason could mask that gloomy thought. It hit me and I wasn't even thinking about how this was affecting Tony. How was he feeling about it? I never really asked him. I started to think again, would this be a smart thing to discuss now? On his last night in Ottawa? To ask him how he feels towards me and what this moving is doing to him? Insane isn't it? I shook it off and remembered the week I had my BBQ. I don't think Tony cares that much; at least not on the same depth and level as I would.
There was one thing that I had to think about. When Tony slept over in the past, he just slept with me. But now that I was engaged in a relationship-building phase with Jason, it felt funny to bring in another guy into my bed. Especially if there was a possibility that Jason and I would be sleeping in the same bed the following evening. I knew then that I had to tell Tony that he was going to have to sleep on the couch. Again, I started to think in dramatic terms. But I figured, I'd just lay out a blanket and sheet on the couch and hopefully he picks up the clue that he'll be sleeping on the couch.
Tony arrive sometime after 10:30pm. We took a quick drive out to 7 Eleven because he wanted junk food. After we got back we watched The Neverending Story. It was after midnight before I got to bed. The movie had ended and Tony just looked at me. It was kind of awkward. He saw the blanket and sheet and I think he knew that he was sleeping on the couch. I just played it casual and told him to get off the couch while I made his bed. After I did that, I brushed my teeth and then went back into the living room to check on him. He was lying on the couch looking up at me. He gave me his puzzled look as though he wanted to say "how come I can't sleep with you?". I simply smiled and said 'good night'.
The next morning, I woke up so early that I couldn't get back to sleep! I was excited about the date later that evening! Can you believe that? How much of a loser am I? I tried to get back to sleep. I think I managed to doze off into a light sleep for like an hour, but it was pretty difficult. I kept thinking about Jason and our romantic date later that evening. I fantasized about going into the movie and there would be that air of excitment around us. I would playfully slide my leg over to touch his and I would rest my hand on my knee and he would reach over and place his over top of mine. I envisioned us holding hands through most of the movie and maybe he would surprise me with a kiss or two. My fantasy continued to escalate into a romantic sleep over were I'd be back in his arms again. sigh.
On that note, and since I heard stirring from both Tony and my roommate, I figured that I had better get up and start my day. I went for a run, of course! I had too, now that Jason was in my life. I want to work twice as hard to try to get and stay in shape for him. So I left Tony to watch Friends while I Went out for my run.
I must say, I'm feeling better about my body lately. Sometimes I really do feel thinner. I wish I felt like that more often though. Anyway, I get back and jump into the shower. I put on this "tight" white t-shirt and my beige cargo capris. I pick a shirt that I'm going to wear for the day which needed to be ironed and did that in front of Tony. I felt him staring at me. I think he was either checking out my bulge or my waist area. I must have looked thin. Well, I didn't do anything to deter him from staring. I just kind of flexed my thighs and ass! LOL I'd like to think that Tony was thinking: "Wow, he's HOT! Why am I moving away?" hehehe
10am rolled around faster than I had expected and I was suppose to meet Joe at 10am. I tried giving him a call, but no one answered. I assumed he was in the shower. So Tony and got on our way. We stopped off to grab Tony a coffee. He dropped me off at Joe's place. I'm glad he dropped me off at Joe's because he lives on a busy street and we couldn't stayed parked for very long. I didn't want to have this drawn out good-bye with Tony. I was getting this feeling that he wanted to tell me something. I don't know what exactly, but I could see it in his eyes. They looked sad. It was as though he expected me to look sadder. He knows that I'm the dramatic one. He knows that I have these powerful puppy dog eyes that wield grief and sadness perfectly. But I wasn't giving him those eyes. My eyes were probably saying, 'ok, see you later', which I'm sure they were. That'll probably be the last time I'll see him for a long time.
Joe of course wasn't ready. It seemed to take him forever to get downstairs. Actually, I got sick and tired of waiting for him in the lobby that I went up. I was sooo hungry by this point that I had to get a cup of coffee (well, actually a soy mocha). And of course, the coffee place was packed. There was this group of chubby ladies ordering a half of dozen speciality coffees. It was driving me nuts. It took me forever to get mine. Anyway, I finally get my coffee and Joe and I finally made our way down to Elgin street where the restaurant was.
On the way, I updated Joe about Tony. I told him that I Was kind of happy that, that particular chapter was closed and a new one was opening. He knows that I had been bothered by the whole Tony thing and now that was finally coming to an end. I felt lighter knowing that. I also started to feel scared and excited about the new chapter that was opening up. This chapter included Jason.
I like talking with Joe. He's such a good listener. And he knows exactly when to interject and give his opinion. It's refreshing being able to talk to somebody who can carry his own half of the conversation. He's also funny. We discussed the possibility of going on a couples hike in Gatineau when he gets back. Of course this will be tricky considering that Jason works almost every weekend. I guess I'll have to try and ask him if he can get a Saturday off or if he can switch a shift with someone.
Anyway, that's something to look forward to. I know that Joe and Rob are both curious about Jason and that they want to meet him. I want them to meet him too. I hope I'll be able to introduce him as my boyfriend. hehehe
After breakfast Joe and I went to the Rideau Centre to hang out. I decided to pick up a birthday card for Jason since his birthday is on Tuesday. It was a funny one too! On the front is said something like: "I know where you can get a steamy shower and rub down for your birthday..." and on the inside it said: "at the car wash". It was one of those musical cards so that song played. I thought it was hilarious! It was the first one that I picked up and I knew that that was the one.
After we left Hallmark, Joe thought it would be a fun idea to sneak into the store where Jason works so Joe could get a sneak peek. I wasn't too hesitant over the idea, but thankfully Joe reconsidered. That's what I like about him, he's too practical at times. So we scratched that idea and turned around. I was happy about it because I didn't want to freak him out. Besides, I had planned on dropping by the store early before our date.
I had started to feel tired and a little hungry so Joe and I parted ways. I knew that I Wanted to try and get a quick nap in before I had to start getting ready. I wished Joe fun on his trip home; Joe is off to Calgary next week to visit his old highschool classmates for a reunion.
When I got home, I was getting more and more hungry. So I decided to cook up a 'fast' lunch. But that didn't happen since I had to wash the dishes before I could eat. And to make things worse, everything had to be prepared from scratch! I was only making quesadilla's and usually I have beans already prepared and cheese grated. But nooo EVERYTHING needed to be prepared. So what I thought would take me 15 minutes to prepare almost took an hour! I finally ate around 3:00pm-ish. Much later than I had hoped. After I finished eating I was super tired. So I jumped into bed and tried to sleep. But I knew that I couldn't sleep for long because I had to start getting ready by 4:30pm if I wanted to be downtown by 5:30pm. In all actuality, I napped for only 30 minutes.
I was excited again after I woke up. I got ready pretty quickly. I already knew what I was going to wear. I didn't bother putting on cologne since I knew that I could use a 'tester' at the store of the newest fragrance. since I agreed that I would meet him at his work, I figured that I would stroll through the cologne section. Jason phoned earlier that afternoon and I told him that I would drop by a bit early so I could check him out. He giggled at that.
Anyway, I get there and I can't find him at first - no one could. But I eventually ran into him. He was coming from the bathroom. I made a joke that he was just cruising. So we head off to a quiet corner and the first thing he tells me is about this guy whose coming on a little too strongly. I kind of took it with stride and tried to avoid the paranoid thought of: "Oh god, he's talking about me in the third person." He tells me about a "co-worker" that he thinks has a crush on him. He's been coming around and trying to talk to him and stuff. Jason thinks all this guy wants is to get into bed with him. He continues to tell me that, although this guy was not working, he dropped by to tell Jason that he'd be waiting for him after work (freaky!).
Jason grabs me by surprise when he asks me what he should do. He didn't want to be mean and simply tell him that it wasn't going to work. I thought for like 30 seconds and said, "but that's exactly what you have to tell him." But he wasn't comfortable with the idea. He tells me this guy is really nice though, other than this "crush" thing. I quickly start to panic more - sinking into dispair. I leaned in and told Jason, "Well... you could always just tell him that you're already in a relationship." He quickly tells me, "No, no, I'm not seeing anyone." I reply, "you just say you are." It took him a second to clue in. He didn't give me any feedback with that one. I don't think he was comfortable with the idea.
Needless to say, it was kind of difficult to be flirty and playful with him because I wasn't sure who he was talking about. Was it me? Or was there really someone else who is trying to court him? We weren't at his work for long since I showed up at the end of his shift. He got changed and we were on our way. He wanted to avoid going anywhere where this guy could possibly be. So we took a safe detour and walked to a completely different bus stop than necessary. I kind of felt safer doing/knowing this because it gave this story some credibility. While taking our detour I took the opportunity to bring up the subject again about this "guy". I asked him what he was going to do about it. He still didn't know. So me, being the idiot that I am, tell him "Well... if it was me, I'd want the guy to just simply tell me that's its not going to happen. Just say two little words: Not Interesting." He said he couldn't do that, it wouldn't be easy.
So now, as you can imagine, I'm in full panic mode thinking that this was his way of telling me things just aren't working out. I started to think that, this "guy" was me. But I don't remember coming on that strongly. I don't think I've given him So, just when I thought thinks couldn't get any worse, the whole movie experience didn't pan out either. The movie that we had intended to see wasn't even playing that day. It wasn't playing until Tuesday! I felt kind of stupid because I was the one who did all the researching. So we saw a back-up movie. I just had this 'romantic' ideal of what was going to happen and it just wasn't clicking. My romantic ideals were going down the drain. My romantic thoughts of me gently slide my leg over and press it up against his; work my hand over onto his leg and then we would end up holding hands where dissolving.
On a funny note, it would have been dificult to try to hold his hand since be bought popcorn. He even added butter to it! The butter on it was a deterrent from me trying to hold his hand cause it was greasy. LOL His fingers and lips were shiny and reflecting light! I did, however, try to slide my leg over, but it was like he moved his to give me more room. Things were just odd. Why would he move his leg over? Was he afraid to get close to me? Why would he do that? If he wanted to get close to me, wouldn't he just have left his leg where it was? But he moved it over! He moved it over when I tried to get closer! What does that mean? Had his feelings for me disappeared? Was it all over? I was so confused and lost. The date pretty much ended after that. I ended up going home. Once there, I decided to go on this loooong walk. I just felt really disappointed.
When I got back, I just put myself to bed and was just about dozing off when the phone rang. It was him. He asked me what was up. I didn't know how to take that question, so I told him things were fine. The conversation was kind of short. I just feel so discouraged from putting too much effort into something that I'm not even sure he's willing to reciprocate. I don't know what to do now. Things seemed to have come to a stand still. :( And now I'm sad.
What do you think?
