*Note all entries are added cronicological order from the begining of the month to the end. (dd/mm/yy)
(01/07/07) Well, it's the first of July. Canada Day! So I figured I'd better write something since its the first day of the month. Nothing much to tell though. I imagine that Jason is busy with his sister and neice so there's no point in interupting him while he's with his family. Also, we did just see each other last night.
I didn't do much today. I did some light cleaning. I decided today would be the day that I do my 10K run. That's kilometres for those who are still using the imperial system. The run was great! I had set out a time that I wanted to finish in. I figured, that I'd start of easy and try to run the run within 90 minutes. Well I accomplished that! So I'm proud about that. I want to try and cut that down to 60 minutes. Better would be awesome, but that would mean that I'd be sprinting the entire 10 kilometres!
Oh, there was one little problem with the run. Ouch! One of my nipples rubbed against my shirt too much and it started to bleed. That's a bit gross isnt it? hehehe, well its my journal. So yeah, it totally slipped my mind to tape up my nipples before running. Luckily only one of them got irritated. So as you can imagine, taking a shower wasn't all that pleasant.
After that I needed to get some rest! I was exhausted. I was also afraid my legs would be screaming bloody murder the next day. I made myself some lunch before hitting the sac. I wanted to try and get as much protein in me since I put my body through a lot. So I made some thick bean quesadillas along with some black beans. I was stuffed. After that I put myself to bed. I slept for like 2 hours. It was quite the nap.
When I woke up, I debated about going to watch the fireworks. It didn't matter to me if I missed them or not. It was a good thing that I went on that walk because I just happened to find a perfect spot to watch the fireworks from. Right where I got my first summer job when I came to Ottawa! I decided that I would walk up the hill to watch the fireworks. I mean how busy could it have been?
When I got there, there were mostly families there. Lots of curious kids with hundreds of questions. I could hear them asking the grown-ups, why is that guy sitting by himself? Why is he alone? lol It was a bit embarassing. I would have taken my roommmate had she not taken off before I had gotten up. At least then I wouldn't have been alone. Ultimately though, I would have loved to have cuddled up with Jason in a warm blanket. Oh yes a blanket! It was cold! So cold! I only had on my capris and I started to freeze! It was beautiful! I love crisp cool weather!
Anyway, that was my Canada Day. Nothing to spectacular.
(04/07/07) Last night was great! It was Jason's birthday yesterday. I offered to take him out to the movies as a "gift".
I chatted with Jason briefly Monday night trying to see if he'd be available to see a movie on Tuesday. He said he wasn't entirely sure but he would let me know. We also talked about Canada Day and what we did. I asked him if he managed to see the fireworks. He said that he didn't because his niece was being difficult. I thought that was too bad. I told him where I watched the fireworks from. Anyway, the conversation wasn't too long.
In the morning, I find an email from him and he tells me that he wouldn't be able to go. He was short on cash. Well, I really wanted to see him so I send him an email asking him if he wanted to go if I treated and that it would be like a birthday gift. He phoned me right back and said he would up for it.
Of course, like a stupid excited school girl I was completely ebullient! I spent the day working on the cover art for a CD that I made for him. I decided to call the CD "Boy Meets Boy: A five-act story of bonding". I was quite impressed with the finished result. I hesitated slightly because I thought he might think it would be lame.
On Monday, I decided to get creative and make a "mix tape". However, it was more of a creative project than a "mix tape". I didn't simply want to put random songs on a disc. So I had this idea - that I would tell a story about two guys who meet and then we listen as their relationship evolves from loneliness to friends, to crushes, to love. It took me an hour or two to find songs but I was happy with the end result. Of course this was all based on Jason and I. So anyway, since the disc was finished, I figured I'd go the distance and great a snazzy cover for it.
We agreed to watch the late showing of Transformers; the movie we had originally intended to see this past Saturday. So I had a lot of time to kill before we met up. I decided to purchase the movie tickets on my way home just in case the thing sold out. Luckily that didn't happen.
Jason was of course late. I started to panic thinking he changed his mind or something came up. I started to feel stupid for buying the tickets in advance. I gave him a call and he assured me he was on his way.
Of course I had this totally ridiculous romantic ideal of what was going to happen. We'd be sitting in the dark theatre and there would be anticipation of someone making their first move. Feet touching, knees coming together, fingers entwined, etc., etc. BUT that didn't happen.
The movie was interesting. We were surrounded by geeks! Lots and lots of geeks. The most annoying aspect of the entire date was that we were subjected to the stench of geeks. I swear, none of them thought it might be a good idea to take a shower before heading out to a public establishment! So it smelled a little. I thought that that was a stereotype, that geeks don't shower regularily. I guess its slightly true.
Anyway, so this smell is wafting through the air and I start to think, "I hope Jason doesn't think that its me", how terrible would that be? Apparently, he was thinking the same thing. The other funny thing, the guy in front of me was really tall and it was blocking some of the screen. Also he smelt a bit. So I asked Jason if he wanted to switch seats. He immediately said yes and we switched seats. It wasn't until after that I learned that he wanted to switch seats cause he thought he was sitting close to the stench. But he actually moved closer to it! hahaha.
I gave him his card and the CD before we arrived at the theatre. He looked pleased with the CD. He looked at the cover and thought that it was cute. I knew he didn't get it right away, so I filled him in on the concept of the CD. He then opened his card. He had a little laugh at that. However, the mall was a bit loud and you couldn't hear the song playing. So he held it to his ear. He liked that too.
When we were waiting in line for drinks at the theatre, he pulled out the CD again to check out the songs. I was kind of embarassed cause he was asking all kinds of questions about it and we were in the middle of a bunch of people. I guess I gotta get used to being open about my sexuality if I want to have a boyfriend right?
So yeah, my romantic ideal of what I thought would happen in the movie didn't happen. I did try to get close to him and he didn't seem to really mind as much. I did manage to shove his shoulder a bit. I knew that I had to make body contact that time. So that was my effort - as paltry as it was.
After the movie I walked him to the bus stop and waited with him. I did my best to be flirty, but he just didn't seem to be that receptive. That started to make me think: did he not feel the same way?. Of course I started to fly off the edge of reason and started to get paranoid and think that it was all over! I was getting stuck in the "friend" rutt and not coming out of it. There wasn't that many people around, so he couldn't have been that shy. He just didn't seem too talkative. So that got me thinking about questions like: do I intimidate him? is he really shy?
So we parted ways with no hugs or anything! I'm such a LOSER! Deep down I'm desperately trying to return to a moment that I had with him a little over a week ago and it just isn't happening. I should really stop using that as fuel to motivate me. It's not doing me any good. As he was getting on the bus, he said good night and I called out to him, give me a call.
He hasn't called yet. What was I expecting? Immediately communication? I'm feeling hurt. And I can imagine that this feeling is going to escalate over the next few days because I decided to not contact him until he contacts me. I think this might help me in determining how he feels about me. If he's thinking about me or misses me, then he'll give me a shout right? That makes total sense right? I'm doing the right thing right?
(05/07/07) Last night was great! Ericka finally returned my phone call that I had left for her on Monday. She wanted to know if I wanted to go for a walk with her. I immediately told her yes because I knew that I needed to do something that wasn't Jason oriented. So I quickly got myself ready and jumped on a bus and headed into the Glebe. Seeing Ericka again was quite refreshing. I'm so glad that she's back in my life again. It's interesting listen to her talk and listening to how she thinks. It's quite extraordinary.
Anyway, the first thing we talk about is Jason (of course!). I told her; "ugh, I'm so glad you called because I really needed something to help me forget about Jason". And she immediately responds, "Oh no, what happened?"
I filled her in that nothing had happened between us. I told her that I felt like I was just thinking about Jason way too much. I needed a break. Thinking about him was driving me crazy! I told her that I just wanted to know what he thought about me. Did he like me? Did he share the same feelings? And if he did, why hasn't he shown me those yet? What's keeping him from doing it?
I fired off these questions to Ericka and she immediately says; "honey, honey, you've got to slow down". This is where she completely wowed me with her thinking. It was also the first time that I realized that I was being completely blinded. She made a really good point. She said: "People communicate differently, he's probably telling you what you need to know, you're just not listening. You're too focused on what YOU want to hear. It sounds like you have a specific way you want him to communicate and that's not going to happen".
It was like a ton of bricks was dropped on my head. It made total sense to me! She was right! Loca was totally right. She started asking some questions about what we've been doing and what he's doing. I told her that he's receptive to me asking him out to do stuff. He's been calling me at night and also sending me emails. He's also been sharing some personal details with me. That's when she slaps my arm and tells me: "He IS telling you he's interested in you!". The other funny thing she tells me is, "You've gotta give him the chance to ask you out in return. It sounds like you're doing all the work. Just slow down and let him catch up".
Easier said than done. I missed him. Was that crazy? She said it wasn't. We started to talk about past relationships after that and the mistakes we've both made. It felt soooo good to talk to her. I finally felt like I could see things again. It's amazing how blinded we can become. Me, a sensible, logical, rational person getting blinded. But I guess it happens to the best of us.
We walked along the canal at a very slow pace. Ericka updated me on what was going on in her life. I think she really looks up to me for guidance and advice. I always do my best. We also talked about getting ourselves into shape. I want to get in better shape for Jason; and she wants to get into better shape in general. So we've decided to try and get out for some walks more often.
I also told her about the symphony in the park this summer. So she said she would totally come with me to that. I've already missed Opera in the park. I wanted to go to that. She also invited me to this birthday party that she's going to this weekend. I tagged along with her last year to it. I'm not sure if I'll go though. I asked her if Jason was invited. Just in case he was available to come. She said yes.
I'm not sure if I want to go though. What am I going to do? I don't really know anyone there other than Ericka. These are her friends and I'll probably end up standing around alone. It's the same fear that I had when I went to Christina's party a few weeks ago. Oh well, I could always put on my brave face and be a trooper and try to socialize with people. The only thing is, gay people are much more cliquish and self-absorbed. That'll make making friends all the more difficult since its all about how you look and stuff. Oh well... I do look different than last year. And things won't be so bad if I had Jason tagging along. At least I'll have someone to fondle! LOL
Ericka and I walked for like 2 hours. We stopped at a Starbucks for some frozen drinks before heading back towards her place. We parted ways and I walked home. I was feeling anxious because I was hoping that Jason would have called and left a message; or emailed me in the very least. But he didn't. Is he not thinking about me? How long will I last without picking up the phone and calling him? How much time will he need before he feels comfortable with himself calling me and asking me out? I hope its soon, because its only been one day since I've seen him!
(06/07/07) DAY TWO: of my Jason embargo. It's been tough, but I think Ericka has really helped me out. At least I'm not a raving mad anymore. But I am getting slightly worried because I haven't heard back from Jason at all. I guess he doesn't think about me at all? Or as much as I do?
Tony certainly made Day Two a whole heck of a lot easier than I anticipated. I knew I lucked out with Ericka on Wednesday, but Tony certainly saved the day yesterday. He surprised me with a phone call telling me he was on his way to Ottawa. He asked me if I had anything planned and I told him that I didn't.
He showed up around 7, which meant that it was much too late to be seeing a movie. So we were a bit stumped on things to do. I do have to mention though what Tony was wearing! Remember that I mentioned that I thought I saw him checking me out? And that I thought he was probably thinking how "sexy" I looked? LOL Well, Tony arrived wearing the most peculiar outfit. He had on jeans with this skin tight black t-shirt. It was a like a body t-shirt or something. I think he was trying to look thin, or sexy, or something. It was the strangest thing.
We decided that we would head out for coffee. Well, not actual coffee, but something cold to drink. It was while we were sitting at the Second Cup that he drops the bomb. He asks me if he could stay over. That was odd. He kind of put me on the spot. I hope he doesn't start to think that he could just simply drop in anytime he wanted. Especially with Jason now in the picture. I told him that it shouldn't be a problem.
After we had coffee I suggest that we should go to the race track to play the slots. It's been a while since we've been there. The last time we were there we had dinner. It was an all you can eat buffet. It was totally NOT vegetarian friendly. I won't be going back there. Anyway, nearly a year later, Tony and I return.
I didn't plan on going haywire and gambling away lots of money. But the first machines that we play were the dollar machines! Could we find a higher denomination machine to play on? BUT, that wasn't a problem since I won $80! That was pretty exciting. The only downfall was that I pretty much broke even after spending about an hour there. Tony won too! I think he was ahead like $20 bucks or something? He spent a heck of a lot more than me, but luckily won it all back. I was more happy about his win than mine cause I would have hated to see him lose.
After the casino, he dragged me over to where he use to live because he still had some stuff there that he needed to pick up. I didn't to go, but what choice did I have. After that he wanted to find a store so he could pick up something to drink and eat. It was shortly after that, that we had a little disagreement.
Tony wanted to smoke a joint, which I was totally not pleased with. It just kind of pissed me off. I knew that he was going to completely smell like weed after he finished. I told him that I didn't want him to do it. But do you think that would stop him? No.
The good thing about it is that he probably thought that that was the reason why he got stuck on the couch again. Because of our little disagreement. But that's fine by me. He kind of gave me that look again like he expected to sleep in my bed. No dice there bud.
The next morning he offered to drive me to work, so that allowed me to wake up a little later and get a later start. It was the least Tony could do after crashing at my place.
When I got into work, I checked my email and still nothing from Jason! Oh man, he's really killing me here. Well that's about it for now.
AFTERNOON
Joshua just surprised me with a phone call! That was really nice of him. He's telling me that he might make a quick trip out this way to visit again. I hope its not during the time that I'm away. He's also considering taking a job in Montreal. He's finally getting tired of Northern Quebec. I told him that it would be awesome if he moved closer so that I could see him more often. I suggested Montreal, but he's even thinking Ottawa again! How sweet would that be?
We also chatted about Jason of course. He told me that Jason texted him that I was taking him to the movies for his birthday. I thought that was cute. That tells me he was excited about the idea. That really made me feel good. I didn't want to probe Joshua too much cause I didn't want to place him in a difficult position between Jason and I. Plus, who else is Jason going to talk too about me? I figured, I better let Jason use Joshua as his confidant and I'll use Ericka.
Anyway, since I had Joshua on the phone I
So, with that being said, I've decided to lift the Jason embargo and call him tonight.
(10/07/07) WOW!!! Yesterday was amazing! I had the best time of my life. It was so perfect and so sweet and so romantic. I'm like totally on cloud nine.
After missing Jason to pieces all week, I was hanging from the last thread. I had to see him! There was no question about it. I had to make it happen. Sunday evening I called him once I thought he had made it home from work. He sounded really tired on the phone. I tried not to let that discourage me. I missed him too much for him to be tired.
After a few minutes of discussion, he asked me what I had planned for the evening. I told him straight out, I wanted to see him. He told me that he had Monday off and asked me if I wanted to do something with him. I told him that I had to work Monday. Then I started to think, I could possibly take the time off from work. It wouldn't have been a problem.
I let that thought hang to the side for a moment and told him that I couldn't wait til tomorrow, that he must be more patient than I am. He picked up the desperation in my voice and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie or something. I took him up on his offer immediately. He gave me the directions to his place and I jumped in the shower.
I also called work to see if it was okay to take Monday off. I knew there wouldn't be any problems. Everything was set. I was running around the apartment like a chicken with its head cut off. I packed a couple of movies, a clean t-shirt, my tooth bruch, etc. Then I was out the door. The sucky thing was that I missed the bus. I hate that. So I had to wait til the next one.
I was so excited. I couldn't wait to see him. It had been nearly a week since I've last seen him. This time, it was more than my heart that was missing him. It was my whole body. I didn't know what was going to happen that evening. I wasn't even sure if I'd be staying the night. But I hoped for it. I was excited for it. I knew that I'd soon be back in that moment that I've longed for for nearly 2 weeks now.
The bus finally came and it didn't take too long to get to his area of the city. I got off too soon and got lost right away. I started on the wrong end of the street. I asked some guy where Jason's building was. He wasn't sure, but had a pretty good idea. He said that he would walk me there since he was already headed in that direction. That felt kind of weird. But I'm so glad that he did that because I was totally lost!
I finally reach Jason's place and he was surprised that I had arrived already. It seemed to have taken me forever to get there! I get up to his place and he looks cuter than ever. He was wearing these shiny red basketball shorts with a white wife beater. His shirt showed off his V shaped upper body.
I showed him the movies that I had brought, which were: She's The Man, Latter Days, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs. He picked She's The Man. I knew enough to bring this movie because when he was over at my place 2 weeks earlier, this was a movie that he picked out to watch, but we never got around to it. Anyway, he had placed a matress in front of the sofa. There were lots of pillows around. He takes a seat on the matress and looks up at me. I'm standing there with a big smile on my face. He tells me to sit down. I sit down grabbing a little pillow using it as a buffer between us. I got shy again.
Shortly after the movie started Jason tells me that he's hungry. I suggested to order pizza, but says he didn't want pizza. So he suggests we walk to the store. So we get up and walk down. We pick up a bunch of junk food and head on back. We were back on his matress snacking out and watching the movie. I got a little more braver and started to flirt with him more. He was receptive this time. He was very giddy. I took this as a good sign.
After the movie, he was getting pretty tired. I wasn't that tired. I think I was too excited to be tired. So we started to watch some TV. I don't watch much TV so I didn't know what to watch and he was the one who gave me the remote. I found this make-over show and watched that. I didn't realize it but he was watching me watching TV. I was happy at the end when the lady completely her make-over. I just heard him giggling off to the side. He says, "you look so happy". I told him that I Was, I was happy that she looked better.
Jason flipped through the channels and found Connie and Carla on TV. He asked me to get up and turn off the lamp. So I did and as I did, he laid himself out on the matress. I got back and smiled at him, "I knew you were going to do that if I got up". He smiled back at me. I grabbed a couple of pillows and laid next to him. Boy did that feel good. We did watch the movie for very long before I suggest that he could just turn it off. He did.
There's no need for me to censor what happened next since nothing sexual happened. And I'm happy about that. That's not what I had hoped to happen. Actually, what I was hoping for did happen. He wrapped his arms around me and kiss me. I rested my head on his chest with my face buried into his neck. I inhaled slowly and then exhaled. I was in heaven again. It felt so amazing to be so close to him again. I didn't want to let go.
We chatted for a bit, he asked me some random questions. Nothing too important. We kept changing positions without breaking body contact. Jason was tired though. It didn't take him too long before he started to drift off. It took me a bit longer. I was too happy to sleep. So I listened to him breath. His grip on me remained snug, making me feel all the more secure. I finally dozed off myself.
hehehe I woke up sometime later to a loud hoarse vibrating sound. It was Jason snoring. I thought it was the cutest thing. His mouth was wide open. hehehe I gave him a slight squeeze and this seemed to subside the snorring. I drifted off again.
I was woken again, but this time by Jason himself. I had managed to push him off the matress and he was pretty much on the floor. He told me to push over. I rolled myself over waiting for him to snuggle up to me. He did. But as he did, he tickled me.
It's always difficult getting use to someone else sleeping next to you isn't it? I didn't have a solid night's sleep. It was constantly interupted. Sweet interuptions though. But I felt rested. I slept as much as I could. I think Jason was more tired than I was when we actually woke up. He rolled over closer to me and kissed me and smiled at me. I got a little closer and ran my hand up and down his back. He lifted one of his legs over me bringing his centre closer to mine. I allowed my wandering hand to roam all the way down his back side. He enjoyed this as he brought himself even closer to him. It was very errotic.
We stayed in bed until nearly 10 that morning before we started to get hungry. I suggested going for a coffee. So we walked out to a coffee shop and got some coffee. He lived so close to the College, that I asked if he could give me a tour. That was really cuted. He seemed to be so proud showing me where he goes to school. He even gave me a tour of the gym he works out in. On the way back to his place we stopped at the grocery store to pick up some breakfast.
I whipped up some breakfast while he took a shower. While we were eating he playfully play with my calves with his feet. After breakfast I took a shower and we were both feeling extremely lazy. So we put in Latter Days and watched that. While I was in the shower he put away the matress. So we sat on the sofa. I didn't want to be so far away from him so I grabbed a little pillow and put it in his lap and I laid myself down. I watched the whole movie like this. Feeling the rising of his stomach as he breathed. He ran his fingers through my hair and played with my ears. He eventually leaned over and laid himself along me. I removed the little pillow and repositioned myself in the nook between his lap and stomach. I rested my head against the softest part of him. I drifted off into a little nap feeling entirely safe to do so.
After the movie was over he took me into his bedroom and we both laid out on his bed and cuddled. We started to have this pretty cool and indepth conversation about each other. We talked about our very first man on man experiences, and boyfriends. We talked about how we met Joshua and what he meant to us. We teased each other and got close to each other. He gave me another little kiss.
My time with him was counting down now. I had plans with someone else later that evening and I had to leave him in order for me to get ready. It wasn't something that I could get out of since I've made these plans so long ago. I didn't want to leave Jason. I gave him a back massage and found out where he was ticklish! That was cute.
Alas, my time with him was over. The day flew by us faster than either one of us wanted it to. I had to go. He agreed to walk me to the bus stop. I was sad. My heart felt heavy. We were out in public again and I figured that his affection would probably be limited by it. And it was. The bus arrived shortly after and I was seperated from him.
I tried to enjoy myself that evening. But I found myself thinking about Jason a lot. I missed him more than... well... I missed him a lot. I finally got back home. The first thing I did was check my phone to see if he called me. I figured, maybe be missed me too and had called and left a message. But he didn't. I got onto my computer and logged onto msn. He was there!
I didn't tell him that I missed him. But I did tell him that I had a great time hanging out with him. He said that he had a great time too and that we should do it again sometime soon. Well, actually he said sometime in the future. I told him that I was going to build a time machine so I could get there sooner! He giggled at that one. Then I added, that the next time he saw me, he wouldn't know if it was me from the past or if it was me from the present. He thought that was funny.
We were both very tired by this point so we said good night to each other. I put myself into bed and I continued to miss him. It sucked that he was no longer in arms reach anymore. I laid in the centre of my bed and extended my arms outwards from my sides. He wasn't there. I felt so empty. Is that ridiculous or what?
So... that brings us to today. Tuesday morning. I don't feel as strongly as I did last night. I kind of got over that. But, last night, while I was Jason to pieces, I figured, I'd make the first move and vocalize my sentiment towards him. I mean why not? We spent a lot of romantic time together. I think if he was so uninterested, he wouldn't have offered me to sleep over. He wouldn't have cuddled with me as much as he did. He wouldn't have kissed me. I think he's spoken volumes on how he feels about me.
So I wrote him this little email telling him that I had missed him after I had left him. I told him that it sucked that he was no longer in arms reach. I ended the email with me telling him that I figured I'd be brave and share with him how I felt. I hesitated for only the briefest of a moment, then I hit send. Now all I gotta do is sit and wait to see how he responds. Something tells me that his could be a long and painful wait.
(11/07/07) Ericka is a life saver sometimes. You know that? She does take the edge off of Jason. Also, she's a GREAT outlet to let me spill out my guts about Jason! It feels good just to let it all out. Anyway, Ericka and I got out for another walk last night. We spent most of the walk talking about her and what's happening in her love life. That kind of spun off into a philosophical discussion what what love is. I didn't completely agree with Ericka's view on how she percieved a relationship, or what it takes to achieve "love". I use that word loosely now in case there's some uncommon ground between Ericka and I.
When she looks for a potential mate; one of her main objectives is how the other person looks. If she's not intially attracted to the person, then game over. There won't be any connection. To me, this seems to be entirely superficial. Ericka continued on saying that without attraction the relationship wouldn't be able to maintain itself. That's when I had to intervene! I told her that typically you don't choose who you love, it just happens. I felt strongly compelled to lecture her on my philosophical view of what love meant to me.
I tried telling her that a person's inner beauty is accentuated after you've developed a loving appreciation for them. I also brought in the ever popular clich�: "Don't go looking for love, it'll find you". I felt that, love would find you unexpectedly, when you least expect it. It could be with anyone, at any time. It just happens.
I felt somewhat bad after telling her all that because she had this expression on her face like, is that why I'm lonely?. She seemed a little surprised that I had this perspective, but she didn't seem to strongly oppose it. But I feel strongly when someone tries to find love through beauty. I think its a total fallacy.
Anyway, Ericka and I got together because I was going to go through the work-out scheme with her. But we never got to it. She even wore some exercise clothing too! She really looked cute! So she suggested that we get together tomorrow to do it; but she'd get back to me if she could because her parents are coming in for a week.
It feels weird writing a journal entry without mentioning Jason. I guess I do have a life outside of him. LOL He still hasn't emailed me back a response about what I shared with him. That kills me. What is he thinking about? Does he feel the same way? Does he appreciate the thought? I think I'll have to sit this boy down and tell him how important it is that he communicates with me.
What makes things worse is that I won't be seeing him again until this Sunday. We're both busy this week. I have a wedding that I have to plan to attend. I haven't done anything yet, I haven't even picked up my tuxedo yet! Nor have I booked a hotel room! Can we say: "disaster approaching"? Jason's brother is visiting from out of town for a day or two, so that'll keep him busy. So really, I'll be forced to go without him for a whole WEEK!!!
Anyway, I guess I should end this one here. Later!
(12/07/07) So I just got off the phone with Jason. He said he had a good visit with his brother. He got some new shoes that he's pretty excited about. He asked me when I was leaving and what time I'd be getting in. I told him Friday morning and that I'd be returning Sunday afternoon. I asked him if he wanted to come see me off, he said "That would be nice, but I have to work early" Oh well.
I took the opportunity to firm up the plans we've made for Sunday after I get back. He has Monday and Tuesday off again, and I don't mind taking Monday off again if need be. But we plan on just staying in and watching a movie. Jason also asked if I could bring over a bottle of wine. I thought that would be nice. I asked him if he'd be working during the time my train was expected, he said he would be. RATS! What's a boy gotta do to expect a warm welcome home? LOL How romantic would that be? To have Jason waiting at the train station for me? We'd see each other, we'd both have big smiles on our faces. We walk towards each other, slow at first, then building up speed. We could finally collide into each other with our arms wrapped around each other. His lips would meet mine and we'd be tasting each other's smiles! sigh
Earlier today, I went to a soccer game that Joe invited me too. He got tournament tickets to the FIFA World Soccer Cup or whatever its called. We were suppose to hit up more than one game, but Joe took an unexpected trip home to Calgary to attend his highschool reunion. So he was away for some of the games. Oh well, it was interesting to watch though. OH!! I should mention that there was this supremely HOT guy that sat in front of me. He was HOT! He had an amazing ass too! Totally round. I loved the shorts he was wearing too! He was wearing a pair of board shorts, and those really showed off his ass and thighs. I couldn't stop checking him out. I didn't get too many clear views of his face, but what I did manage to see looked great. He even had nice hands too!
After the game was over Joe and I headed on over to Siam Kitchen for thai. He was starving at this point. I was thanking myself for snacking on peanuts earlier in the day. So I wasn't hurting too bad. At dinner, I started to probe Joe about the beginning of his and Rob's relationship. It took a while for Joe to warm up to the topic but he eventually started to share the details. I think he noticed the desperation in my voice for the details.
It took Joe and Rob alittle more than 2 months before they declared themselves a couple. But that was his best guess. It basically spanded from Rob's birthday to Joe's birthday. By that time, they were pretty much dating. We both know that by the time Joe came over to my place for Easter dinner, he and Rob were an item.
I finally told Joe why I wanted to know all that because I wanted at least on comparison that I could use to gauge my budding relationship with Jason. I wanted to know what the "normal" time frame was before a couple becomes an official couple. But there was no actual time frame. At least, that's what we both concluded. I'm stuck still not knowing when that will happen. However, Joe did assure me that it's only been 3 weeks. I have to keep telling myself to be patient. It'll happen. Man, I must be pretty annoying! LOL
On a final note, this wedding has proven to be more of a nightmare than antipcated! The tuxedo was all wrong. My friend Tammy, the bride, gave me a description of a tuxedo that I thought was mine but it didn't turn out to be the one that the store had. Oh, and that's the other thing! My tuxedo wasn't even supposed to be sent to the Ottawa store! It was suppose to be sent to the a store that was near her. So that was a mess. I didn't want to cart that thing all the way down with me!
Of course I had to be the bearer of bad news and tell her about it. As it turns out the entire tuxedo order was screwed up! What I really didn't appreciate though, was the store's response here in Ottawa. They took the defense as though it was my (or Tammy's) fault. I thought that was totally unprofessional. They also tried to charge us for their mistake! What a farce! I'll never rent tuxedos from Moores!
Well, tomorrow is Friday and I have to go pick up half of my tuxedo before I make it out to the train station. So that'll be a whole lot of fun! Not looking forward to that. To make things worse, I still haven't been able to make hotel reservations, so this should be interesting! YIKES! Oh well, soon it'll all be over and I'll be back in Jason's arms.
(16/07/07) Oh man, this is gonna be one of those epic journal entries! But it'll be a good one. Isn't it always?
This past weekend was my friend Tammy's wedding. She married Bryan. I went to school with both of these guys. I met Tammy first. She was shy quiet girl and really cute. I flirted with her almost everytime I saw her. I felt that I didn't have anything to lose so why not flirt, its not like I was sexually interested.
It took a while to start up the friendship, but once it got going, I knew she was a keeper. I met Bryan sometime after I met her. I can't remember exactly. He was a quite shy guy himself. Kind of on the geeky side. He hasn't changed much, but he is more out going than he was when I remember him younger. By the end of the school year in college, we were all good friends.
What prevented our friendship from phasing out was the fact that they both lived in London during the summer. At this point, I had also stayed in London. We continued to hang out. Things started to pick up and get more personal the following year. I remember going to sex shops with the both of them. I can't remember how or why we started to venture out to those kinds of places, but there we were. It started to become a regular occurence for us.
What also made that particular year different was that a new girl joined our group and we became a foursome. Her name was Nikki. She was also a cute little girl and I got pretty attached to her fairly quick. The four of us started to hang out together and it didn't take too long before we were quite predominantly known amongst the larger group of peers that we hung out with. We kept our group exclusive.
We did all sorts of crazy things, things I won't go into great depth here. Perhaps some other time. Anyway, I decided to leave and move to Ottawa and I broke up the group. The other three continued to hang out but I don't think it was every the same again. Tammy and Bryan started to "date" each other. I think it was another year before they started to live with each other. I would bug Tammy about her intentions with Bryan and kept asking her when the wedding was. She would also respond, "I wouldn't marry him if he was the last guy on Earth!"
Well, one thing led to another and guess what happened between those two? They ended up having a child together. Of course I kept pressing the question, when she was going to marry Bryan. She kept her stance on that one and didn't think that it was completely necessary to marry him just because they had a child together.
So we fast forward a year or two more and guess what comes along? Another child. And precisely a year later a third. All the while, I kept asking her, "When are you going to Bryan?" She said he drives her too crazy at times and didn't think it would work. I told her that it would and that they've been together this long and it has been working. That was when we made the pact! I told her, "Well then, since you're so sure that the two of you are not going to get married; when that day comes, I get to be your maid of honour". She had a good laugh at that, and agreed to it.
Well, this past fall I get an e-mail from her and she tells me, "Guess what? We're getting married." I just simply said, "Well, it's about time." The wedding was set for a spring date. So after that sunk into me, I immediately remembered that little pact we made so I had to bring it up. The first thing she said was, "Ugh! Figures you'd remember that!" I had a good laugh. She kept her word. I was in the wedding party but not as her maid of honour! I didn't care though, I was still touched and honoured to be in the wedding party.
So after months of waiting the day finally came. It happened on Saturday, July 14, 2007. I didn't do any planning for the weekend, which I started to regret earlier in the week. It became stressful. I missed the deadline to reserve my hotel room. I had to book at a different one which was like 5 minutes away. I hadn't booked my travel or anything. It was a nightmare... almost. The only plausible option at the time was to take a train into Toronto and then grab a Go Train towards the hotel. I told Tammy of my arrival and asked if anyone would be available to pick me up at the train station. She said not to worry.
Tammy didn't tell me who she would be sending but that she would send someone. So when I finally reached my destination, I had no clue who to keep an eye out for. I knew that she wouldn't be able to do it. I waited for about 10 minutes before I saw a familiar face. It was Bryan. The guy hadn't changed at all. Well, he was wearing contacts. It was weird seeing him again. It had to have been at least 2 years at most since I last saw him. He brought along several of his buddies. Straight buddies. Which always makes me nervous. Straight guys makes me nervous.
So I get in and we drive off to no where in particular. I wasn't even sure what on Earth the plan was for the evening. I didn't know when I was going to check into my hotel room. I had no clue, which made me uneasy. We drove off to some music store where they rented a bunch of instruments and then drove off to Bryan's mother's house which was like 40 minutes from Hamilton. We picked up pizza before actually reaching there. It was already dark and I knew that I wouldn't be returning to the city. Was I suppose to sleep out here?
I must have spent about 2 hours with Bryan and his friends. Its incredibly how much homo-erotic stuff comes out of straight boy's mouths! I swear! Everything they said was gay themed. Them loving this guy or that guy. Having sex with this guy or the other. Of course they also made some degrading remarks about women, but they were back to the lovey dovey homo stuff. One of Bryan's friends was pretty cute though. I think his name was Ash? I'm not sure. I think he was a Middle Eastern mix? He had a great ass! Cute face and smile, and he was really friendly and outgoing. He had MONSTER hands! That was kind of hot. I appreciated him trying to make me feel comfortable and including me into the discussion. I totally felt intimidated by my surroundings and I think he could sense that.
Anyway, we finally reach Bryan's mother's place closer to 10pm that night. And let me tell ya, his mother was a sweet heart. She asked me where I was staying. I told her that I had no clue and that I was just dragged out here. So she fixed me up a place to sleep in her basement. I was glad to be with the bride and groom anyway, since I knew that I wouldn't be missing the wedding. I kind told myself that I was at ground zero.
One of the first things I did when I got there was try to find Tammy. It had been a while since I last saw her too. It's been difficult to go see her since she moved out to Niagra Falls. But we managed to stay in touch through phone calls and email. Anyway, she was inside a large errected tent in the front lawn of Bryan's mother's place. I walk inside and there she is, giving out orders and instructions to everyone. Typical. LOL She finally saw me and she had this big smile on her face. I walked over and she walked towards me and we gave each other a BIG hug. It felt great to see her again! And she looked amazing.
Once the commotion of our arrival subdued, Tammy and I found a quiet spot and started to chat. We talked pretty late at night. I didn't know who was more tired, her or me. But I was the one who folded first. I think she was too excited or anxious to get to sleep. Well of course, the following day being her wedding day, I'm sure millions of things were going through her mind.
THE WEDDING DAY
I thought I would have great difficulty getting to sleep, being in a strange environment and being subjected to strange noise that I wasn't used to. But I managed to dose of quite quickly. I'm not sure how long I was awake for. I woke up sometime after 8am the next morning. I didn't have much time to sleep, but I felt rested enough. I think my excitement was fueling me. The house above was full of life and I could hear tons of people running around and getting things set up. Bryan's mom came downstairs and noticed me stirring. She told me that I should get up and grab a shower while it was free. So I did that.
When I got outside I see Tammy running around in her pajamma's helping out the florist with the flower arrangements. There were people everywhere. Someone had delivered painted picnic tables and they were in the process of getting washed. There were a couple of men putting on some finishing touches on landscaping. The caterers had arrived and started to set up another tent on the driveway where a small continental buffet was being set up. I flagged down Tammy to see if there was anything I could do. She smiled at me and asked if I had a good night's sleep. I told her that I think I did. She pushed me into the direction of the florist and said I could help her out.
The flourist was cool. I really liked her. I helped out with the flowers and stuff and also blew up a bunch of wedding balloons. I watched her as she put together the bouquets for the bride and bridemaids. It was then that I started to wonder about breakfast. I hadn't eaten anything. I didn't think that I would either. The wedding was scheduled to start at 11am.
Tammy was finally whisked off to meet with the other bridesmaids to get started on hair and makeup. Bryan showed up from nowhere and told me to grab my tux and that we were going somewhere to get dressed. I got a little nervous and anxious. Getting dressed with other men? YIKES!
The groomsmen were all different from the guys that I was with the night before. I thought they were the groomsmen. I was actually looking forward to seeing Ash naked and then getting dressed into his tuxedo. But he wasn't here. Instead, it was Bryan's two brothers, and two cousins, and a young uncle. I could be wrong though. Bryan's brother was a little cutie though. He was kind of chubby but had these amazing long eyelashes. He also had these pouty lips that kind of made him look sexy.
I was apprehensive at first in getting dressed. I felt self-conscious but quickly snapped out of it once I realized that straight guys aren't going to care what I looked like naked. So off came my clothes and I put on my tux. I need to shave so I fought my way into the bathroom. Bryan's older brother needed to shave as well and he used my shaving cream since he forgot mine. We shaved at the same time. That was kind of weird. But what was weirder was listening to Bryan talking as he showered. I don't think I've ever been in such close quarters with two straight guys like that. LOL
I went downstairs and started to pack up my stuff and realized that I forgot my razer and stuff upstairs. When I got up there, I see Bryan shaving himself. That meant only one thing, that he was using my razor! Weird. Considering there was only 1 bathroom for 6 guys, it didn't take us long to get dressed. We were all ready well before 11am. We just had to stand around and wait. That's when the gay homo-erotic dialogue begain again. The guys looked sexy in their tuxedos. It's amazing what a tuxedo does for a guy.
Bryan finally decides that its time to make our way back to his mother's where the ceremony was taking place. So we pile into two different trucks and drive over. We got there just before 11am. And we waited for bride and her maidens. And waited. And waited somemore. They hired two photographers and they were already busy snapping candid shots of us standing around. It felt kind of weird having your photo taken by a photographer like that. It made me feel like a celebrity. I just tried to act casual and normal.
We continue to wait. Tammy was 50 minutes late! Can you believe that? I couldn't. And the guests were getting anxious and tired of waiting. But they finally arrived and the show got started. I finally met my bridesmaid that I'd be ushering down the aisle. She was pretty. The bridesmaids where wearing beautiful blue dresses. They looked really nice. I was the first person to march out. I was nervous because I had no idea of what I was doing or where I was going, but I winged it, it wasn't a hard job.
The ceremony took place outdoors which was great cause it was kind of hot outside. There was a cool breeze that kept me somewhat cool, but the other guys were sweating. I guess they weren't used to being so dressed up. I tried to stay focused, but sitting dormant like that made my eyes heavy. I was glad once all the boring stuff was out of the way and they were saying their vows. That's always the best part right? That's what everyone waits for right? It was great! And I was so glad to be there to see it all. Tammy was crying too. It was difficult for her to speak.
Once the ceremony was over, everyone started to shuffle over to the continental buffet to grab some fruit, vegetables, and shrimp. I started to focus on something else. I knew that Nikki was also there, she was a bridesmaid, and I wanted to chat with her. It had been even longer since I had last seen her. It was more difficult seeing her because we were somewhat more than just friends when I knew her. It was a difficult thing for me because I felt like it was expected of me to try and enter into some sort of relationship with her, but I always kept my distance which hurt her. Anyway, I really wanted to see her since it was suppose to be a huge surprise on her part. That's what Tammy wanted.
I finally see Nikki and she had gotten so much thinner since I last saw her. I tell her that she finally lost all of her baby fat. In the six years that I haven't seen her she had a child. A daughter. It was weird seeing Nikki as a mother, but she was a natural. I met her brother, for the second time I think, that was her "date" to the wedding. Nikki seemed to be a little aloof. I started to think she was either feeling overwhelmed with me there or she was mad at me. We didn't part on... appropriate(?) terms? Let's just say that I didn't follow etiquette. I kind of left her hanging which was a total bone-head thing to do! I don't think she got any closure from me.
I didn't give up though. I did my best to chat with her, but she kept her distance. I started to accept this attitude and didn't bother to increase the reunion between us more than it already was. Sometime around 2pm things started to whirl up in a gust of wind. I got that uneasy-I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing feeling. The wedding party was heading off to take photos, then head off to the reception. I didn't know if we were heading back to Bryan's mother's afterwards or what. So I quickly grabbed my bag and packed it up. I started to worry about my hotel arrangements and wondered if checking in was still a possibility. I started to feel homeless again.
Tammy and Bryan rented two limos, a hummer limo for the guys and a ford explorer limo for the girls. We all piled into the hummer and the guys started to drink right away! They kept bugging me to drink something. So I grabbed a wine cooler and sipped on that. The guys continued with their homo-erotic talk again, but this time they started to get a little more physical. Bryan's younger brother, the cute chubby one started to rub and pat his crotch after saying something "gay". I kind of missed that one, but managed to catch him physically molesting himself. LOL There wasn't too much more than that though, other than him getting his ass grabbed in the hummer as we were exiting.
The reception was spectacular. No, it was grossly extravagant! The reception had a balconey that fitted like 4 or 5 tables - I'm assuming these were guests that ranked fairly low on the guest list. The main floor had to large seating areas on either side of the hall leaving a fairly large open space in the middle. The wedding party was ushered through the hall and up into the bridal suite. It was just a room with a washroom basically. There were sofas and armchairs up there. We had our own personal server that brought us hors d'ourves and drinks. The sucky thing was, was that we were up there for a long time. I don't know what the establishment was waiting for. I think one of servers said they were waiting for more guests to arrive before bringing us down. Well, we were trapped in that little room for like an hour.
Finally, we gave up waiting and we got ourselves ready to head on down, whether they were ready to recieve us or not. So we get down there and one of us gets the attention of another waiter and we get ushered into the hallway next. We stood there for like 30 minutes before the head waiter came out and told us what was going to happen. We would be announced in pairs and then were to take out seats. What a huge production. I'm sure everyone was HUNGRY.
So we all get in and get seated and they begin serving the meal. I'm a totally nervous because the salad had bacon bits on it and I started to panic thinking that no one knows that I'm a vegetarian. I didn't want to bother Tammy over it so I grabbed the head waiter and brought it to his attention. To my surprise (I hope) he already knew that there was a vegetarian guest. So that comforted me. I say I hope because I hope that I didn't rob someone else of their vegetarian meal. However, there didn't seem to be any problems.
Dinner turned out to be a 5 course meal. It was a lot of food. Especially for the meat eaters! They got stuff cannelloni for the first course, followed with roast beef, then chicken cordon bleu! That's an insanely amount of food for one person to eat! I was slightly disappointed with the vegetarian alternatives, but I didn't complain because I didn't feel that I gave anyone the appropriate amount of time to plan it out. All I got was plain pasta for the first course, followed with a stuff pepper, then vegetables and cheese sauce. Talk about a crap-shoot! The good thing was, I basically got stuffed on simple carbohydrates and burnt that off fairly quickly. The finaly course was desert, a very interesting flamb� desert. Crepes wrapped in something caramelized.
As it got later in the evening, I started to focus more on figuring out where I was going to be spending the night. I tried getting a hold of my brother but he wasn't picking up. I started to really panic thinking I'd have to impose on someone for a place to sleep. Thankfully though, my brother finally picked up and invited me over. By this point, it was already 10pm. He told me that it would take me like 2 hours to get there. That seemed really far. So the only choice was taking a train into Toronto.
This meant that I had to bail on the wedding party early. I didn't really like that idea much. But I was getting tired, and really, what I was thinking deep down was: only 18 hours before I saw Jason. So I had to find Bryan and Tammy and say my goodbyes. I knew that I needed a ride towards the Go Station and was hoping Bryan could point out the shuttle driver that he had hired to take guests to and fro to the hotel. But I didn't have any luck as he was already gone. The only option left was taking a cab. I surprised at how much Bryan was trying to help me out. At first, I was like, dude, you're only slowing me down. But waiting for him kind of had its advantage, he offered to pay for my cab! That was awkward. But I accepted because I only had 15 minutes to get to the train station and that didn't leave me much time to get to a bank.
The cab ride was pretty tense. It was nearly $26 for the entire trip and we just barely made it. I ran towards the train station but hesitated for a fraction of a second and decided to check with a girl who was sitting there if she saw a train go by. At first she said that she didn't, but then realized that trains don't run that late. She pointed towards a bus and told me to catch that. I just barely made that. The bus driver left shortly after I got on. Whew! It was smooth sailing after that. I called my brother at the transfer point to have him meet me downtown at Union Station.
I got there before him. I was happy to see him, but only slightly disappointed that he brought his so-called wife. But I got over it. We were on his way back to his place when he suggested we go for a drink. I was already tired, but since I haven't seen him in a while, I acquiesce. Of course this wasn't as straight forward of a suggestion as I thought. The wife said we should swing by her son's place of work and pick him up. So that only delayed us even more. I think we managed to make it to a restaurant around 1am. We ended up in the village. The wife's only son ended up being gay; not that that was difficult to tell, he was totally flamey.
It was great chatting with my brother, the eldest in the family. He's always been kind of... eccentric. A bit goofy and aloof at times. He was really pounding back the drinks, which always concerns me cause I usually don't like seeing him drunk. So I was grateful that it was already close to 2am. We ended up taking a cab to their place - man was it FAR! I can't remember what it was in cab far anymore. I think it was close to $30 or so! So in one evening, I gave the cabbies over $50! That's insane.
I wanted to get to sleep right away because I knew that I wanted to get up at a reasonable time and have breakfast with my brother. But everyone ended up staying awake. I don't think they went to bed until 4am. I knew that I was going to be tired the next day. I didn't wake up until 9am.
SUNDAY
I got up because I had too. I couldn't sleep in. I really wanted to visit with my brother some more before we left. They wanted to go to a deli nearby, but I suggested that we should make ourway downtown so I'd be closer to the train station, that way I wouldn't have to stress out about getting there on time. I don't think he cared either way. So I packed up my stuff and he packed up the missus and we were on our way. We ended up going to a restaurant called the Golden Griddle. It was the only breakfast buffet place in the downtown area. I was starving and didn't want to have to wait to eat anything. Plus, with a buffet, I could eat whatever I wanted. And its always difficult to find vegetarian breakfast combos.
Breakfast was only ok, the service wasn't that great. I'd go back to one of those restaurants, but not that particular one. After we finished breakfast, we had about a good hour to kill before my train left. So we decided to hit up a coffee shop and walk towards the station. It seemed to be a drag bringing along his wife because she kept a slow pace and on top of that, she started to complain about how tired she was getting. I can't stand that. Sometimes she makes it all about her. I don't think she thinks beyond herself.
We finally reach the train station and I finally get my hands on a soy mocha! I had only like 15 minutes to kill before I had to board. I wasn't worried about getting in line because the seats were assigned. After I said my goodbyes and finally made my way onto the train station concourse, I started to panic because I didn't see any line-ups for my train! And I still had a good 15 minutes before it departed. I went over to the gate and asked the attendant if that was the train. She said it was. I got on, and it was practically empty. I liked that because it meant that I'd be able to stretch out relax and not have to worry about having someone sitting next to me.
I was tired but too excited to sleep. My mind was only focused on one thing: JASON! Of course my little fantasy popped into my head, the one where Jason manages to get off work early and surprises me at the train station! How lame is that? But that's what kept my occupied for the most of the trip home. I also read my book. I started it on Friday, The Nanny Diaries and I was already half way through it. When I got tired of that, I listened to music and continued to daydream about Jason.
I couldn't wait to get home and call him. I knew that he wouldn't be off of work until 6pm, which mean he wouldn't be home himself until closer to 7pm. The train arrived in Ottawa nearly on time. I got myself home and started to check my emails. I still had an hour to kill before I would be able to get a hold of him. I decied to give him a phone call and leave a message even though I knew that his phone would be off anyway. I left a brief message telling him that I was back in Ottawa and for him to call me when he got the message. I still had a good hour before he would call. So I waited, watched some TV. I waited and waited.
He didn't call.
He didn't call after 6pm, he didn't call after 6:30pm. I decided to wait til 7pm just in case. But he still didn't call. Around 7:30pm I start to become concerned and decided to phone him at 7:30pm.
There was no answer.
I got his answering machine. I didn't know what to think. I was kind of shocked actually. What could he be doing? Why isn't he answering his phone? Wasn't he excited to hear from me? I didn't know what to think. I started to wonder if something bad had happened. Like a fool I didn't give up. I tried calling him an hour later. He finally picked up. He sounded really, really tired. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was sleeping. I asked him how work was and he said that he didn't go. I asked him why not and he said because he wasn't able to because Joshua took him out the night before.
A wave of disappointment rushed over me. Not only did he go out and get plastered and subsequently getting hung over; he also missed work too! I wasn't impressed. But since I didn't know him very well to articulate my disappointment, I didn't say much on the topic. He tells me that Joshua and his loser "boyfriend" were there. Another wave of disappointment hit me. If Joshua was there, then there wouldn't be much privacy or room for me to be there.
I finally asked him what he felt like doing, he tells me that he wasn't up for much; that he was too tired to do anything. I could only imagine how he felt and just how much of a hang over he head. I was totally crushed! My romantic evening alone with him came crashing down in seconds! I was angry at Joshua and disappointed in Jason. I reminded him that we had plans and that I was looking forward to seeing him. He didn't really respond, he just said that he was incredibly tired. I didn't put up much of a argument. There was a brief lull in the conversation and he finally says: "Well, I guess I'll let you go".
I was so hurt. I quickly said ok and hung up. I was filled with anger, disappointment and hurt. I didn't know how to respond actually. I wanted to cry, but knew that I wouldn't be able to. Nothing was coming out. I immediately contacted Joshua and left a message that I was disappointed and told him that he had just ruined my evening with Jason! I was kind of venting and scapegoating on Joshua. There wasn't anything I could do. Other than get dramatic.
Jason new that I wanted to see him. He knew that I would have difficulty waiting a whole week before I saw him. I told him that last week. I sent him an email telling him how much I missed him. I called him Thursday night to go over the details for Sunday night! And what does he do? He ruins it! And he has the nerve to try and blame Joshua for it? He made his decision. There's only one thing to conclude: that he doesn't think about me the same way that I think about him. I'm pouring out my heart to Jason and all he's probably doing is using me as a convenience - I hate to say it, but a booty call? But we haven't done anything since the first night we got together.
Simply put, I don't think Jason is looking for a relationship. Perhaps he's just looking for some fun. What does my heart tell me right now? "Don't give up." Don't give up? My heart is a damned fool! Too much of a trooper for its own good. My brain is telling me otherwise: "Get out before you get too hurt." And that's what I intend to do. I need to drastically get myself out of this utopia that I got myself into and come to the realization that this wasn't the beginning of a concrete relationship. If he just wants something light and fun, then I'm going to go back to being light and fun.
Arrgh! I haven't been sexually interested in anyone other than Jason for these past three weeks! I guess I'll put myself back out on the meat market!
(17/07/07) Well, its always hard to conceal the kind of excitment that I'm feeling right now! I'm totally beaming! Totally! Guess what happened that I've been longing for, for so long! Jason FINALLY calls me! I can't even remember the last time he phoned me. It seems like decades ago. I was totally happy! That's one of the things that I wanted him to do! So guess what he asks me!? "Are you avoiding me?" He says this half jokingly. I tell him "of course not."
I of course take the opportunity to ask why he never calls me. He says, with a giggle, "because you always call me". Well I tell him not to get used to it. I did thank him for calling me. I hope there was enough tone in my voice that showed how happy I was that he took the initiative to call me. It was great. It just goes to show that he actually does think about me! :D
Anyway, I need to start this from the beginning because it doesn't start as happy as it sounds. The first thing I have to confess is that I slept with a guy last night. Just some random guy. I haven't been with a guy in about a month! For a while there, I couldn't think of anyone else other than Jason. Jason started to flood my fantasies and I started to focus my sexual release on visions of him. But since I kept on getting clobbered by him; and after a good self-slapping, I decided to start moving on. So I jumped online and managed to chat with this guy. He seemed interesting and we both had one thing on our minds. So I jumped at the opportunity.
He seemed like a nice guy. A little chubby; small equipment. He sounded a little effiminate too. But I didn't care about that at the moment, I just wanted to get laid. He tried to get all "passionate" and I could totally tell that he wanted to kiss me on the lips, but I didn't let him. I usually don't let anyone kiss me on the lips. So I kept my head turned. I kinda felt a tinsy bit guilty about being there, and I felt not kissing him wouldn't make things worse. So I just let him kiss my neck.
It felt good $@#%ing him though. It had been awhile. I kept pushing the thought of being unfaithful out of mind. Who do I have to be faithful toO? Jason? He hasn't showed me any hint of him actually thinking about me. So I did my best to enjoy myself. And I did.
When I got home, I noticed my phone was flashing indicating that I had a message. I checked to see who called and it was Jason! What are the odds? I return his phone call immediately. I was excited. He never calls me!
One of the first things he asks me is what I had done the night before (Sunday). I told him that I didn't do anything other than cry myself to sleep. He asked why? And I said "because we
I wish he would have just said that earlier! I would have went over in a heart beat! Why didn't he say it earlier? Why did he just stay quiet? We talked about Joshua for a bit before we turned the conversation back towards us. In a very roundabout way he asked me what I was doing on the weekend and he asked me if I wanted to get together on Saturday. He said it in such a shy and bashful way it was cute. Of course I had to highlight his shyness by asking him, "Are you trying to ask me to hang out with you?". He just giggled his adorable giggle and shot back "yes". I told him that he didn't have to be shy with me.
I asked him what he had in mind on doing and he mentioned that he wanted to check out Hairspray. He's been waiting for that to come out since I've first met him. So we'll probably do that. Since he went out on the limb to ask me out for Saturday, I decided to ask him out on Sunday. I kind of want to surprise him with a hike in Gatineau. I've already suggested the idea to Rob and Joe. They seem to be interested in the idea. Anyway, that's what I want to do with Jason. I also suggestively told him that I'd be spending the night on Saturday and that I'd be there Sunday morning. He didn't seem to oppose the idea. hehehe.
Well, that's why I'm so giddy today. After my dramatic fall from Sunday's fiasco, I'm back on cloud nine again. :D There is a question that I want to ask him. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I want to ask him just how drunk he was when he told me that I was sexy. I'm just curious as to how sincere that sentiment was. I mean, that's what started this whole mess. It's a bit of a scary question because he may say "I said that?" in total surprise, which would be heart breaking. Or he'd say "Oh yeah, I did say that didn't I" which would also be disappointing. Of course I'd want him to say "I wasn't drunk when I said that. You are" *sigh*. That's the ideal answer I want to get out of him. Of course, when I bring this up, he'll probably get bashful and embarassed and try to evade the answer. I guess I can live with that scenario.
So, that's about it. I have been thinking about this guy that I slept with. What if Jason asks me if I had slept with anyone since I've met him? What do I say? Do I lie and say no one? Or do I tell him the truth and say 'one'? I'm just afraid that if I tell him the truth he may think that I'm the type to cheat if I don't get my way or if I'm unhappy and want to cause pain. But that's purely dramatic isn't it? Is it just me who thinks like that? Do I really fill myself with this much drama? Are some of my friends right when they call me a drama queen? LOL
Anyway, in other news you'll never guess who I bumped into today. Jordan! My old roommate. My gosh does he look cute. I never really found him attractive when I lived with him, but now, now that we've been seperated, I think about more and more on a sexual level. Seeing him today made me feel warm inside. But then again, I could be simply missing him. I mean, he's a big guy, 6'3", built like a hockey player, I really, really felt protected when he was around. My own personal compassionate body guard. Anyway, yeah, he looks adorable. I should try and contact him through facebook. What do you think?
(19/07/07) I had lunch with Brad yesterday. I gave him all the updates on the Jason saga. I also told him about my weekend wedding getaway. We didn't talk too much about anything. It's amazing how much Jason has consumed my life as of late. I used to be a bit more excited about hanging out with Brad. At least he seems supportive about the relationship I have with Jason. And I'm not getting a sense of disappointment from him either. Remember when I had a thing for Brad? That wasn't too long ago! OMG! Remember Tony!? Whatever happened to these guys? LOL Geez, it wasn't too long ago when I was struggling over Tony. Now that seems so far away.
Later that afternoon, I decided to call Jason. I sent him an email on Tuesday and he hadn't gotten back to me yet. It's a good thing I called too! It didn't take him too long before he asked me over to his place. It was really sweet and cute. He says, "I could really use some company." That just melted my heart. That little sentence tells me a lot. That he actually thinks about me and that he actually does want to see me. I'll push out any paranoid thought that this is a booty call! Actually, while I'm on that train of thought. I've told myself that I wouldn't engage in anything too sexual with him until I get some sort of confirmation that I'm not a temporary fixture in his life. I really don't want to get hurt. Besides, if anything like that were to happen, I'd want it to be special. :)
So, Jason takes the initiative and invites me over to his place for a sleep over. I'm of coures tickled pink! So I of course tell him yes. He's working late and asks me to meet him afterwards and then we'd travel together to his place.
I was pretty excited. And I had like 4 hours to kill before I saw him. So I figured that I would go for a run. I set my goal on a 6 kilometre run. The afternoon air was a little thick from the humidity, but it wasn't too hot. The run was a bit tough to get started but I stayed focused. I couldn't believe how tired I was but I did manage to complete the entire 6 kilometres. I was proud of myself. I went home, jumped in the shower, cooked something to eat and started to pack. Jason was supposed to call me to let me know at what time I was suppose to go over. He either said be downtown around 9pm or 9:20pm. He didn't call. So I decided to be downtown between those times. I didn't have much time to pack or anything.
I get downtown around 9:10 and I didn't see him anywhere. I start to assume that he was going to show up around 9:20pm. It was close to twenty after when I finally see him. He gives me this look of disappointment and asks me where I was. I told him that I arrived at 10 after. I also told him that I didn't hear back from him letting me know whether we were meeting at 9pm or 9:20pm. Apparently, from his annoyed look, we were suppose to meet at 9pm. He also tells me that he was actually on his way to catch a bus. So he would have left me if he didn't see me. I respond to this with surprise. A tiny argument ensued as he tried to tell me that I ought to have known that we were suppose to meet at 9pm. But I told him that I couldn't read minds. I also reminded him that he was suppose to call me after 5:30pm, but didn't. His response to that was that he was busy with work. The argument subsided as it was an issue of miscommunication.
Jason looked pretty cute that night. He wore his glasses, which I like because it makes him look smart. We didn't talk too much because there were people around. So we kept it to small talk if anything. There was a moment on the trip that he laughed at me. You see, the bus system in Ottawa runs on a private roadway that no cars are allowed to be on. I didn't realize that in the west end of Ottawa that there was a section of road where both buses and cars share the road. So anyway, I'm sitting there blabing on about something to Jason when I see a car pass by. I had this quick shocked response and pointed out the window, "hey there's a car out there". Jason just giggled and said, "ever cute". LOL He kept on laughing about it too. He even giggled about it again once we got to his place.
We finally reach the bus stop near his place nearly 25 minutes later. I'm getting pretty tired since it's already after 10pm. We walk towards his place talking about this and that. I can't remember exactly, but we were talking about someone who Jason thought giggled too much. I kind of teasingly shot back at him, "What are you talking about? You giggle alot" He denied my allegation. I had to make my point by simply saying, "You're always giggling"I looked at him and smiled - it didn't take too long before his boyish giggle came out. Then I said, "see?" He giggled again. It was cute, because he does giggle a lot. I think he tried to blame it on me. Does that mean that I make him giddy?
We had orginally planned to watch a movie, but I forgot to bring one of those. I did however, bring with me 2 different TV shows on DVD. I brought Boy Meets Boy and Beauty and the Geek Season 2. He didn't seem too interested in Boy Meets Boy so we put on the other one. There's this one guy on the show that I teased Jason about. His name was karl and he had this giggle that sounded a little like Jason's. It was too funny. Also, this Karl guy would say, 'or something' after anything he would say. Jason does the same thing but says 'whatever'. After I told him that he was like Karl he tickle-assaulted me telling me that he's not like Karl.
We turned off the TV show and cuddled in the dark. It's getting easier and easier to cuddle and kiss him. It's almost second nature now. And I really enjoy that. It's like I now have an exclusive pair of lips to kiss whenever I want. That makes me happy. He must love kissing because he was all over last night. He kissed my neck all over. And I really like that! It feels amazing. I guess my neck is just more sensitive than other areas on my body. But it felt great feeling his lips on my neck and the suction. What!? Suction!? Yep, he sucked on my neck for a little too long in one area. It felt sooooo good that I was distracted to consider the consequences. When I woke up the next morning, I got a nice reminder of our previous nights exertions. A dark purple hickey.
It was difficult not to be excited while laying next to him. Jason was quite excited himself. He asked me to rub his back. He tore off his t-shirt and lay on his stomach. I leaned over him and gently massaged and rubbed his back. He moan and groan, I assumed he was enjoying it. I'm not sure how long that lasted, but I got tired fairly quickly. I rested my head on his back and threw a leg over his and closed my eyes.
Like our previous nights together, it was difficult to get a solid night's rest with him. We kept waking each other up as we moved around. Plus, Jason is such a huge cuddler that he kept wrapping his arms around me. So of course that woke me up. But I like those awakenings.
Morning came and we were both tired. We quickly made out but we both knew that we had to get a move on if we were to be out of the apartment in time. Jason took a shower first. I ran to grab my tooth brush and started to brush my teeth. It was when I was finishing that, that I had noticed the hickey Jason gave me. I didn't know what to think at first. I was shocked. I was slightly worried that it wasn't low enough to be hidden by the collar of my shirt. Thankfully, I wear a lot of dress shirts so it was hidden. I ran my fingers over Jason's mark and was surprised at how sensitive the area was. The whole thought of having a hickey from Jason was kind of sexy. I started to think of it as a stamp - Jason's personal stamp that read - if you looked closely enough - "Do not touch, property of Jason". I kind of liked that feeling. He branded me his. At least, I hope that's what he was doing.
I jumped in the shower next, and while he was doing that he cooked us breakfast. How cute! I didn't tell him that I was vegetarian and he cooked up sausages too. After breakfast, we headed on out. The bus ride downtown was uneventful. While I was in the shower, for whatever reason, I had this ridiculous notion that we'd be holding hands on the bus or something! LOL That's funny. The things I think of! We sat next to each other on the bus. Jason looked really tired. I was fine, but knew that I'd be crashing later in the morning. I wanted to make some sort of body contact with him, so I surreptitiously reach in and tickled the side of him on the bus. I don't think anyone noticed. We reach my bus stop and I wished him a good day.
I got to work around 9:45am. I told my co-worker that I would show up late, so I wasn't too worried. And its only her and myself here today. Again, not majorily worried. I wrote Jason a brief email earlier this morning telling him how tired I was but how much it was worth it. I told him that I would much rather be tired than not to have spent any time with him at all. I thought that was a nice thing to say. I didn't want to think that I wasn't enjoying myself because I'm always tired. That was a good move wasn't it?
(23/07/07) Another perfect weekend. Wow! It couldn't have been more perfect. Let me tell you! It all started with a late call on Friday evening. Jason called me sometime after 11:30pm. I was already in bed. I wanted to be well rested for Saturday's date. But he phoned me and asked me if he could sleep over. He had to get up early for work anyway and my place is closer to where he works. Of course I couldn't turn that down, so I told him to come on over.
Considering how late it was, there weren't many buses running that late and he missed one of them already. It was closer to 1am by the time he finally made it over to my place. I went to meet him at the bus stop. I really wanted to grab his hand and walk back to my place holding hands, but I totally chickened out! I hate that cause I think I totally missed out on a good opportunity.
Since it was so late, we didn't do anything other than get ourselves into bed. We didn't spend too much time cuddling either cause Jason had to get up in like 5 hours anyway. I was, however, disappointed to find out that Jason smokes. He exhaled and I was able to smell smoke. The tone of my voice was thick with disgust when I said: "Do you smoke?" He was quite a first, then said that he did. I asked him when he had one, and he said before he left his place. Then I asked: "Were you trying to hide it?" and he giggled and said yes. That totally sucked. He went on and tried to blame Joshua for getting him started. I didn't buy that because it was Jason's decision to smoke, not Joshua's.
We woke up before the alarm went off. The sun was already shining through my window. He asked me what time it was and I casually said, 10am. He jumped up with his eyes wide open and I had a good laugh. I said it was 6:30am. It was funny. We cuddled and kissed each other for the next 30 minutes. Then he got up and jumped into the shower. I got dressed and then got back into bed. I was really tired. Jason finally came out dressed and ready. Jason left the clothes he wore the night before on the floor.
The phone rang at 7:22am! I was surprised. It was Joshua! Jason told me not to answer it. I waited for the answer machine to pick up before I picked up the handset. Joshua sounded wasted. I couldn't believe it. He didn't sound very good. I felt sorry for him. After that, I ran into the bathroom and quickly brushed my teeth. When I came out Jason was waiting for me in the living room. I walked over to him and he opened his arms. He asked me if I was walking him to the bus stop. We kissed and I hummed a "uh-huh" into his lips.
On the way over to the bus stop I wanted to grab his hand and hold it. But I didn't do that. I figured it would be more difficult considering it was daylight. I had really missed my chance, I should have done it the night before. Besides, the street was quite busy for a Saturday morning which was a downer. Jason reached his arm around me and tickled myside and asked me if I was going to go for a run or if I was just going to go back to bed. I told him that I wouldn't go back to bed... at least not until noon, then I'd take a nap.
Before the bus came, Jason said that he would try and get off work early and that he would call me to let me know if he would or not so I could come down and meet him after work. I gave him a pat on the shoulder (our public equivalent to a kiss) as he got on the bus. I walked back home feeling refreshed and not so much tired. But by the time I got home, it hit me. I was tired. I started to think just how tired Jason must be. I slipped back into my pajamas and noticed Jason's clothing on the floor. I picked it up and folded his jeans, followed by his t-shirt. I couldn't resist, but I had to smell his t-shirt. :) It smelled just like him, his sweet little sexy smell. I folded his shirt and put it on top of his jeans. Then I jumped into bed.
I slept for about 90 minutes before my phone woke me up again. It was Jason. I missed his phone call and he left a message: "I knew it! I knew you'd go back to sleep!" I phoned him back; and tried to deny sleeping. LOL He said he was tired. I asked him when he was going to take his lunch, he said he was going to take it between 1 and 2.
I rested for about another hour before I actually got out of bed. I had to get ready because I was meeting Julie on campus to go to an art gallery. Julie is a law student. We had a class together last fall. She was a really nice girl and we started to chat with each other since. We kept in email contact. When the summer came, I suggested hanging out during the summer and she was totally open to that. So we finally got some free time together and decided to check out an art exhibition.
Julie is quite the story teller. She told me about her trials and tribulations of the speed-dating scene. She's quite the Nancy Drew when it comes to checking up on her "dates". But I guess that okay, she is a girl and its better to be precautious. But the guy she was dealing with really sounded kind of sketchy. It was a good story though. I told her about Jason in a round about way leaving out the masculine pronouns. I thought I'd leave it up to her if she was curious enough to know if the person I was talking about was a guy or a girl. She took the leap and used 'he' when she asked a question. After that I said Jason's name and we used that after that.
The art exhibition was pretty good. I enjoy the majority of the pieces. Sometimes modern art is hard to get, but its always all the more enjoyable when you get it. Julie was a good choice in taking to the art gallery. She told me that if there was anything like this that I wanted to do again that I should let her know. She had a good time.
We were at the art gallery for about an hour before we walked towards the mall. It was shortly after 1pm and I knew that Jason had just started his lunch break. So I parted ways with Julie and phone a payphone. Jason was on Major's Hill when I phoned him. He asked me where I was and told him that I was at the Rideau Centre. He picked a place for us to meet which was right next to the American Embassy.
I rushed over as fast as my legs could carry me. It looked like I had just gotten there before Jason could sit down. He looked so adorable in his little work outfit. He showed me his new shoes that he picked up. We walked through the market in attempt to find a place to sit. We ended up walking into the mall and found a table in the food court. I probed him for some clue as to what we were going to do later in the evening. He told me that he wanted to relax for a bit, perhaps take a nap. Then he says he'd like to go to the gym. He wanted to take me to the gym. I wasn't too thrilled, but said that I would go. Then he said we'd watch a movie and then suggested that I bring a bottle of wine. I thought that that was a good idea. He told me that he wouldn't be able to get off work until 4 or 4:30pm. He was scheduled to get off at 4:30pm anyway. He told me that he would call me as soon as he knew which time he'd be getting off so I could meet him.
I walked him back to work and actually stuck around checking things out. I kept him company. It passed the time rather quickly. I didn't leave until about 25 minutes to 3. I told him that I had better go if I was going to make it back before 4pm. He told me not to forget anything. I didn't get home until after 3pm. I was really starting to get tired. I was definitely hungry since I didn't eat a proper breakfast, so I toasted some bagels and ate that. I tried relaxing, but I didn't have time because it was already a quarter to 4 and I still hadn't packed yet. I didn't know what to pack. So I started to run around grabbing this and that.
Jason told me that he might be going to church in the morning, so I packed something dressy to wear in case he wanted me to tag along; which meant I had to pack a pair of dress shoes. I had also arranged a hiking trip with Rob and Joe so I had to pack appropriate clothing for that too; which meant another pair of shoes. Time was whipping by. It was nearly 4pm when Jason called. He told me that he couldn't get off early and that he was getting off at 4:30pm and wanted me to meet him there.
I freaked because although I had picked out what I needed, it all still needed to be packed. I quickly threw everything into a bag and ran towards the bus stop. It was 4:15 by the time I got there. Another bus didn't come by until 25 after 4. My heart started to sink because I was going to be late. And I knew he'd be tired and I didn't want to keep him waiting. Well... I didn't make it to the Rideau Centre until 4:45pm. I called him from a payphone. You'd never guess what the first thing he said; he said: "Where were you?" I thought that was very rude.
I told him that I was at the Rideau Centre and I had just gotten there. I asked him where he was and he said he was already half way home. My heart sunk some more. He didn't wait for me. He tells me, "I told you to meet me at 4:30pm, you were there so I got onto a bus." The only thing I could say in return was, "oh, I see". He asked me if I was going to catch a bus to his place, I didn't have anything else to say other than, "I suppose so." Then he said he'd see me at his place. We hung up.
I never felt so hurt. Well, I wasn't that hurt, but I just like crap. He didn't wait for me. How selfish was that? I didn't end up catching a bus to his place. I pointed myself in the direction of my place and waited for a bus. I didn't know what to do. I felt under-valued. I thought it might be best if I just went home and phoned him and talked about what had just happened. It's a good thing a bus didn't come by right away, because it allowed me to think things over. I knew he was tired. He couldn't have been in the greatest of moods. But to just leave without me? Knowing that I was on my way? He only gave me 30 minutes heads up. I did my best to get there on time. I was only 15 minutes late. And he didn't wait for me? That made me feel as though I wasn't important enough to wait around for. I felt he was being entirely selfish of his needs. Like that it was his way or now way. That didn't make me feel good. I started to feel like a fool for going all the way to his place after he treated me like that. I didn't want to be that kind of guy. I figured, I'd save face and not go over to his place.
A bus finally came and picked me up. I thought about it some more and tried to play out the scene in my mind of the discussion that I'd try to have with him. I was going to tell him that what he did hurt my feelings. I felt hurt that he just left me there. I was going to tell him that I Was fully aware that he was tired from working all day and having little sleep. But that he had to see beyond himself and take other people into consideration. The world doesn't end at the tip of his nose - so to speak. I envisioned a quick temperamental response of him rejecting what I was saying and him stubbornly upholding his view that I should have been on time since he told me to be on time - end of discussion.
I figured Jason would be better that. I was also hoping that he would have an open mind and listen to what I was saying. I got off the bus and transfered to a bus that would take me to Jason's. I continued to play around with the scenario of the discussion. Each time I looped around, things seemed to get better and better and the Jason in my mind was appologetic once he saw beyond his own needs. That comforted me.
When I did reach his place, I buzzed his apartment and the answering machine picked up. I thought, "that's just great". I was tired. Tired of taking buses! I felt like I had been on the bust for the past 3 hours - actually it was closer to 2 since I jumped on one at 4:30pm and it was now closer to 6pm. I walked to the nearest payphone to call him. He answered and asked me where I was. I told him that I was at the store and I coldly told him that his buzzer wasn't working. He said to come to the front door and he would keep an eye out for me. I quickly assumed that this meant that he would keep an eye out for me from his balcony or something. So I coldly suggest that he should just come down and meet me in the lobby. He gently said that that's what he was going to do. I said good.
When I got there he was already there. I didn't say much. I was just purely exhausted. Hot and exhausted. I must of had his pouty look on my face. We got into his apartment and I finally said: "I can't believe you just left like that." and he quickly responded, "Well, I told you to be there at 4:30" not looking at me. I stood in the middle of the dinning area. I was annoyed and hurt. My heart started to pound. I wasn't going to let this 'diva' attitude run me down. I took a deep breath and waited for him to turn around and look at me. He turned and looked at me and said "what?"
Subconsciously I gave him my ultimate hurt look with a good side of 'puppy-dog-eyes' and said again, quickly so he couldn't interupt, "I can't belive you would just leave like that, I tried my best to get there. I don't have control over the bus schedules." He sat down on the sofa, he was inmidst of eating soup. He motioned for me to have a seat. He said: "Well, I was really tired, I worked all day."
"I realize that you worked all day and that you were really tired, but you leaving like that hurt my feelings." He looked at me. I continued, "It just seems really selfish of you to just leave without considering me just because you're really tired. You knew that I was on my way and that I wouldn't have just stood you up." He reached his hand over and touched my arm.
"Okay, I'm sorry." He said soothingly as he stroked my arm and looking into my eyes. I looked back. My body trying to react quickly to his apology - I could feel the captin of my body yelling to his first officer, "Engines full reverse!" His first officer frantically running over the Engine-order Telegraphs and pulling the handles to "Full Reverse". LOL My hurt/upset expression slowly faded away, but not quickly enough as Jason looked at me and asked if I was mad at him. The engine room finally receiving the telegraphs - my facial expression changes from hurt to relief. I told him that I wasn't mad, I was just hurt, but that I'd be okay. I gave him a gentle smile. Iceberg averted.
Jason was already watching volleyball on tv and he wanted to finish watching the game. I asked if he wanted to change the chanel but he was totally into it. It was kind of cute, seeing him into sports like that. My little manly man. The game actually ended shortly after, it's not the kind of game that's really set to a time limit. The first one to reach a certain score wins. So that was cool.
Jason announces that he's too tired to be going to the gym, and I kind of sigh in relief and tell him good, cause I was only half interested in going. This grabs him by some surprise to hear of my disinterest. So we decide to relax and watch a movie. I brought Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss with me so we put that on. We went to his bedroom and lied on his bed. We didn't watch the movie for very long before he had me in his arms and him kissing me. He asked me to rub his back. He really likes getting his back rubbed. He didn't watched the movie but claimed to be listening to it. So I rolled over and watched him "sleep" and I listened to the movie. I rubbed his back for nearly 30 minutes before I started to drift off slightly. I could still hear the movie in the background, but I was lightly sleeping. When the movie was over, I felt refreshed and hungry. I hadn't eaten anything besides those bagels that I had earlier.
I tell Jason that I'm hungry. He comes up with the game plan that I'd go to the groccery store while he stays and cleans. I look at him, "You mean I have to go alone?" (I've perfected my puppy-dog-eyes look) He rolls on top of me and straddles me and responds with a big "awwwwww" and tickles me. He leans forward and kisses me. I run my hands up his arms and over his shoulders and down his back; our lips remained locked. Niether one of us wants to break free as we were both evidently excited.
Moments later, I'm grabbing a shopping bag and heading out the door. Jason grabs my attention before I actually open the door and gives me another kiss. I giggle and say, "I want the place looking spotless when I get back!" He giggles and pushes me out the door.
When I get back, I'm sweating like a pig. It got much hotter with the warm afternoon air. I throw the grocceries on the counter and tell him that I'm going to take a shower. I felt really gross. Jason was still inmidst of cleaning and started to vacuum. I get out of the shower and he's busy at his laptop which is sitting not to far from the sofa on a coffee table. I walk over to the sofa and lazily pour myself into it. He reaches over and places his hand on my head runs his fingers through my damp hair. I tell him I'm too tired to cook dinner. He tells me that he's not that hungry anyway.
We didn't know what to do, so he starts showing me pictures of his friends on his lap top. This eventually segues into him showing me one of his essays. It was the cutest thing! My heart melted when I quickly reviewed the page length and title. He wanted me to read it out loud, and I'm like, are you serious? So I read the first sentence outloud and I think he got bashful and said that I didn't have to read it out loud. I continued to read it through, I thought it was interesting. I didn't critique his essay that much. I offered a few suggestions but nothing major. I told him that it was a good essay. I didn't know what else to say. I certainly wasn't going to read it from a graduate perspective, that wouldn't have been fair. I felt proud of him. He looked all the more cuter.
Then he asked if I had any essays that he could read. I told him that I had a few. I log onto my on-line data storage and pulled up the first essay that I saw. It was one that I wrote not too long ago. It was a 20 page essay, about 13 pages longer than the one he wrote. He sat down and started to read it. He managed to get to page 6 before he asked how long it was. I told him that he wasn't even half way through it yet. I showed him the page length, which is stated at the bottom of the screen. He didn't know that that existed. Cute! He then tells me that he'd read it later. I just laughed and scruffed up his hair.
We didn't know what to do next, but watching a movie was certainly out of the question. So I suggest playing a game of something. He said he had scrabble so we played that. We decide to open the bottle of wine that I brought. I actually made him open it. He wanted me to open it but I wanted to watch him open it. It was cute watching him do it. I must of had this half smile on my face as I watched him and he defensively says, "I've never done this before" and offers to give up. I tell him that he can't quit.
I told him that I was a master Scrabble player and that he was going to lose. He didn't believe me. But I won in the end. It was soooo cute playing with him. I'll never forget the 'monk' incident. I spelt out 'friar' and he asked what that was. I told him it was a religious person, kind of like a monk. Sometime later he was asking me a question that I totally wasn't getting. He was talking about animals or something and then he mentioned 'monk'. I must of had this deeply perplexed look on my face. He then tried to clarify himself and said "that's another type of animal? Like a monk?"
I finally started to piece together what he was trying to say. He was looking at 'friar' on the Scrabble board. He looked geniunely confused. The first thing that spewed out of my mouth was "aawwwwww", I reached under the table and squeezed his thigh and ran my hands up and down. He smiled at me and said "what?". I had this big smile on my face and said, "Awww, that's so cute" my heart was literally swelling in his cuteness. I told him that a monk was like a priest. That 'friar' and 'monk' are religious people. He just giggled back. I reach up and ran my fingers against his cheek. That was totally cute.
I also teased him a bit too. I started to make up rules as we were playing, I told him that we were going to play strip Scrabble - whenever someone makes a mistake they have to remove a piece of clothing. He giggles at that. And not 5 minutes later he tries to spell out 'stix'! I thought that was cute too. He asks me what happens when you misspell a word, I tell him, the other player challenges the spelling and if its incorrect, then you have to remove your tiles, then miss your next turn, then remove a piece of clothing. He laughs at me. I give my a serious look. He looks back at me still smiling, "I'm not removing anything" he says. I lean over and touch his leg again, "Well, maybe not right now".
We're half way through the game when he asks me if he could have a cigarette. I shoot him this disappointed look and ask him if he really needs one. I was standing near his laptop when he asks me the question. He walks over and wraps his arms around me and says 'please'. I told him the he'd stink. He offers to brush his teeth after he finishes. Then I say, but that won't do anything about the stink in your lungs. I acquiesce and let him go out. He comes back in and does what he promises.
After the game, he says he wants to take a shower. So while he was doing that, I played Text Twist on his laptop. After that he suggests watching another movie. I try to suggest Shining Through because its less graphic than Saw III. But he wants to watch Saw III. So the first scene is horrific. And I can't watch. It was far too late to be watching anything like that. So I roll over and watch him watch the movie. It was close to 1:30am before he decides to turn it off. We only watched like 30 minutes of the movie.
We lay in the dark on his bed making out. He has great lips and I love kissing him and feeling them. Kissing. It's a tricky thing isn't it? How do we know if we're doing it right? How much is there too kissing? Could I be doing more? I'm not sure. But what I do know is that I can't stand it when a guy rams his tongue down your throat. I can't stand that. Jason doesn't do that. He's very gentle and he slides his tongue in gently in and out. I basically mimick what he does because I have no clue what I'm doing. Meanwhile he slides his legs through mine bringing himself closer to me. All of him is pressed up against.
It always makes me feel good that (let alone reassures me) when he swells and stiffens. I then know for a fact that he's enjoying himself. This relaxes me and I begin to feel more confident about myself. I'm sure he feels the same way when he feels me. We continue to kiss each other as our groins slide in and out towards each other. We eventually begin to roll around taking turns lying on top of each other. I eventually end up on my stomach and Jason on top of me. He kisses the back of my neck and shoulders. This sends unfamiliar tingling sensations down my spine and a cooling sensation races over my brain like errotic waves euphoria. Jason's lips retreat from my shoulders back uptowards my neck and up to my right ear. His body slides up against my back, his solid appendage dragging in tow over my buttocks. His tongue explores the outter area of my ear.
SUNDAY
Wow, that was the first time that I had a solid night's sleep with Jason! We cuddled for like an hour and then I drifted off into a deep sleep after that. And I didn't wake up until morning. I'm assuming Jason had a solid night's rest too. I guess I should have asked him. We stayed in bed and basically made-out. There's nothing more than I enjoy lying next to him, being only inches away from his smiling face, and getting the unexpected kiss from him. It's the BEST! You should try it! LOL
We rolled around in his bed for a good 30 minutes feeling each other and showing our excitment. Jason finally rolls on top of me and straddles me and tells me he's going to make some coffee. He comes back and since we didn't finish watching Saw III last night, we watched that - while we ate breakfast! That was really tastey. It was a brutal movie, but Jason seemed to enjoy it.
After the movie finished I jumped on top of Jason and pinned him down (he was lying on his stomach). I kissed him and asked him if he wanted to play Saw. I said that I could tie him up and torture him as I slapped his bare buttocks. He giggled as I playfully nibbled on his ear. We spent a few minutes relaxing and holding each other before I reminded him that we were going hiking with Rob and Joe. It was already close to 11am.
We get ourselves ready and pack a back pack and head on downtown. We arrived at Rob and Joe's a little after 1pm. Joe was still in the shower. They both assumed that I'd be late and that they had at least until 1:30pm to get ready. Jason and I sat in the living room while we waited. I was kind of nervous because Rob is such the social aggressor and it was just a matter of time before he said something stupid. Well, that didn't take too long.
Rob started talking about how I'm never on time. And that when I say I'll be there at a certain time, that usually means that I'll be anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes late! I couldn't believe he had just said that. Especially after what happened the evening before. I looked over at Jason and he just had this smile on his face. I immediately said that it wasn't true. I Was slightly embarassed. It is true that I've been late before, but its usually the fault of the public transit. Jason kept looking at me as Rob kept rambling on. Jason finally tells me: "Oh, I see".
So the next stupid thing that comes out of Rob's mouth is the word: love! I can't believe he used that word in front of Jason! You can't say a word like that in front of someone you're just getting to know! Moreover if the two of you haven't even had a discussion about a relationship yet! So that was brutally embrassing. I didn't even bother to look up at Jason, I couldn't look him in the eyes. I didn't know where he was looking. Rob went on about me being in this "impressive mode" to try and lure in Jason. I kept thinking, 'hurry up Joe'. I couldn't imagine things getting any worse!
Joe FINALLY got out of the shower and introduced himself to Jason. I was relieved that Joe was finally there, he seems to keep Rob at bay at times. So, we get ourselves organized and we head on over to the park.
On the way over, I try to be flirty with Jason. My goal was to make him feel comfortable around Rob and Joe and that we were free to be us because we were all gay. I didn't consider the possibility that he would be uncomfortable around strangers. I did reach out and hold his hand in the car. He took my hand in his for a while, but we let go. I'm assuming because it was too warm to be holding hands.
After a quick detour and pulling over for directions, we finally reach Luskville Falls. We could see the moutain wall rise above us as we travelled down the dirt road towards the base where the trail started. I knew there would be some climbing involved, but looking up the side of the mountain, I started to realize that we were going to be doing some serious climbing.
The bottom of the falls is right at the trail beginning, so we of course stop there to take a couple of pictures. I think we waste about 15 minutes in total not realizing that we still have quite the hike left to go. It took us about 2 hours to reach the main look out! It was bloody hot up there. There weren't too many trees around the lookout area - obviously, it would have blocked the view. I was so hot and sweaty! So was Jason but he looked absolutely SEXY though! On the way up, I kept thinking: "we'll probably have this little romantic moment up there, look out at the world stretched out beneath us and we'll hold each other and kiss each other on top of the world."
As it turns out, that didn't happen. We rested for a bit and snacked on the food that we brought with us. There were blueberries all over the place up there. I was the only one brave enough to try them. They taste like regular blueberries. We continue to walk further up. We had an additional 21 metres to climb to reach the top. The entire climb was about 82 metres (that's 270 feet for my American readers). We continued up, and what felt like an hour only took us an addition 30 minutes or so. We reached the top and decided to take a good rest. We tried to find some shade to sit under. That wasn't too easy. The sun was HOT.
Jason and I found a little rock under some shade. The rock was quite hot though. We sat and teased each other. He poured water on my ankle and claimed that he didn't mean too. It just happened. I was thinking, what are you doing? From what I saw, he just leaned over with his bottle of water and then poured it on me. Crazy guy. We started to throw ringlos into each others mouths (ringlos are little ring shaped chips, it comes in a party-mix). He shot a few into my mouth. I took some pictures of him goofy around. I even took a picture of him with is mouth full of the party mix. What I really wanted to do was find a soft spot and lay down with him. But on top of a mountain, there were hardly any soft grassy areas.
It took us 2 and half hours to reach the top. I knew the hike down wasn't going to be any easier. In fact, it would be much more dangerous considering that Rob was the most tired of us all and probably the least athletic. I guess-timated that it would probably take us half the time to get back down.
I had more fun going down than going up. Jason seemed to be much more comfortable with his surroundings because he started to be more hands on. That was sweet. We took more pictures, I put my arm around him and he rested his on my lap. Those pictures turned out alright. I managed to get a shot of his ass while he was climbing up, that was funny. We took a number of intersting photos, I got a picture of him on the side of a VERY large rock surface. I was lying below him when I took the picture.
Jason and I had to stop for a quick break because Rob was really slowing down. Jason asked me if I was hot. LOL hehehe I told him that I was pretty warm. He asked me to feel under his pants, he lifted them up and I felt how wet he was (wow, that sounded hot just typing it). I rolled up my pant leg and told him that I wasn't so bad. I told him to have a feel, he decline at first with a smile, then told him to touch me. He did and giggled as he did. When Rob and Joe finally caught up to us I had to remind everyone to be more careful because with the fatigue in our legs, we could tumble down and the rocks aren't soft.
By the time we reached the bottom, I was dead tired. I wanted to go back to bed. Back to Jason's bed. We had planned to go back to his place, relax and cuddle, then make dinner. That sounded perfect to me. Jason had gotten completely comfortable with himself on the drive back to his place. I was able to be more playful with him. I gently massaged the back of his neck. We held hands. Even he was more playful. But, it was great to be back at his place again.
The first thing we did was climb into this bed and attempted to watch a movie. Instead we laid in each others arms. It was incredibly sexy being able to be so close to him and really smell his manly scent. He rested himself against my chest and I decided to give him a back rub while he rested. We rested for about an hour before I decided to get started on dinner. I was getting a little hungry. Jason stayed in bed while I cooked. I cooked up some ravioli, steamed broccoli and rolls. It was quite good.
After dinner we relaxed on the sofa and caught the tail end of Extreme Makeover Home Edition or something like that. It was really touching. Time slipped away from me and it was already 9pm. I knew that I had to go home. I didn't want to go home. On some level, I wanted Jason to plead with me to stay another night. But his sister phoned and it didn't seem that he'd be making any pleadings. I told him that I needed to check the bus schedules on his laptop to see when I'd be leaving. I had about 30 minutes left. I walked back towards the sofa where he was sitting and knelt down in front of him. I rested myself against his chest and kissed him. I worked my arms around him and behind him. I let out a soft tired moan. I stayed there for a moment or two before I pulled away and kissed him again. I told him that I had better pack now so I can relax with him more before I had to leave.
Packing sucked. It was marking the end of the BEST weekend that I had with Jason to date. It didn't take me long to pack my stuff up. I went into his bedroom to double check if I had forgotten anything. While I was there, I took the opportunity to jump into his bed one last time. I grabbed one of his pillows and hugged it and inhaled. Jason has the sweetest smell. I went back into the living room and lay on the sofa next to him resting my head into his lap. I started to run my fingers through his hair - that's when I noticed his scar. He tells me it was because of a biking accident that he had. At first he wasn't going to tell me because he looked embarassed about it, but he told me. I just looked up at him sympathetically and said, "awww, your poor head".
I did a quick double check again to see if I had everything. When I got back into the living room, Jason was on the floor. He reached his arms up, I walked over and grabbed them. He wanted me to drag him. So I did. He started to laugh and tell me that his pants were being pulled off by the carpet. I put his arms down and jumped over him and straddled his knees. I continued to pull his pants down quickly exposing his black boxer briefs. He giggled and fought to keep his pants up. I crawled up over him and rested myself on him and kissed him. We rolled over and he straddled me. He started to tickle me again and then lowered himself and kissed me. It was time to go. :(
I was really touched when on our way out his door that he stopped me and told me to turn around. He embraced me and kissed me. That was the first time that he's ever done that. And that felt really, really good. That made me happy. It wasn't as difficult leaving him this time around. I didn't miss him as much as I did the first time that I spent the night. I could feel that things have finally changed for the better. We kissed each other freely and when we wanted. We reached over and touched each other more freely. All this in contrast to the first time that we spent the day together. I felt as though we are finally becoming more connected, more of each other. And that's exactly the place where I want to be.
(25/07/07) Jason was being a total jerk last night. That's twice in such a short period of time. It's almost diva like - his attitude. What he said hurt me. It hurt my feelings. I don't mean to up-play it too much, but what he did wasn't incredibly horrible.
So I'm up to my usual - missing Jason. It's been only 2 days since I've last seen him. It wasn't that big of a deal, but these gaps of silences kind of kill me. I mean, how difficult is it to type out a short email? Just to say something sweet? I don't think that that's too hard to do. Anyway, I decide to take an evening run. I've decided to try running twice a day now. I need to lose some weight. I want to try and at least lose about 15 pounds of fat! So I'm hoping the increase of cardio does that.
Jason called me late Monday night to let me know that his brother is coming and that he wouldn't be able to see me that weekend. He also said that he wouldn't be comfortable having me there and his brother. I told him that I totally understood and that that isn't a problem. I decided to bother him and ask him if he had a cigarette today. He said that he did. He thinks that smoking is helping him loose weight. I have other suspicions as to why he's losing weight. So I try to tell him that increasing cardio will help him lose weight. But I also had to tell him that he's already skinny! AND, I remind him that he works out, so he's probably gaining muscle weight too. He said I was smart. I don't know if he was being sincere or what.
Anyway, we get back to the cigarette debate and he finally snaps at me and tells me that its his body. That's true, but that's such a weak argument to make. So I dropped it. I wasn't about to tell him how gross, stinky and unhealthy it is. I mean, I'm the one who has to kiss him. I did sound disappointed though, he really sensed that. I think he tried cheering me up by saying that we're still going on our date to see Hairspray Friday night. He tells me that when a family member comes into town, he usually cancels his plans with his friends (yeah, that's the word he used) and that I should feel lucky that he didn't cancel. The tone in his voice didn't really cheer me up, but I told him that was very thoughtful of him.
So that's that. I thought I'd mention that. So anyway, back to last night, its nearly 10pm and I figured I'd see if Jason is on-line. He is. I miss him and I know that I won't be seeing him this weekend so I figured that I'd suggest meeting up during his lunch break to hang out. It felt like an eternity for him to respond. He finally does and responds jokingly (I suppose) that he'd have to check his agenda and get back to me. I didn't know if this was code for try harder or what? I didn't think he would be brushing me off. So I joked back asking how long that will take and if I should have my secretary contact his secretary to set something up. Then he responds with something along the lines of that he doesn't get a lunch break. And I thought that was odd, so I tell him that of course he does, its in the labour legislation. That's what he snapped back at me telling me to stop it and to stop pushing him. That really caught me off guard. I didn't know I was pushing him. I responded back asking him why he was always mean! It took him too long to respond because I was already feeling shot down. I finally typed in "well... sorry" then started to type in that I was going to bed when he finally responded. But by then, I wasn't willing to listen to what he was saying. I only saw a glimpse of what he had written, but it was something along the lines of being pushed. I closed my window because I just didn't want to talk about it.
I didn't know what to do so I call Joshua. He distracted me from Jason completely. He told me what he did that evening. Joshua's kind of like me - where there's no such as a short story. LOL So after about 20 minutes I finally work Jason into the conversation. I asked Joshua about his attitude. Joshua also noticed his attitude and called it his 'diva' attitude. He says that when ever Jason acted like that, he'd just ignore him. It didn't take long before Jason started picking up the pattern and asked Joshua about. Joshua told him that he wasn't going to talked to like that, nor was he going to allow him to treat him like that. So that pretty much stopped. Although, Joshua tells me that from time to time Jason still acts like that.
I tell Joshua what had just happened between Jason and I with the least amount of details. Joshua makes a joke out of by saying, "I'll talk to him, when and where did you want to have lunch with him? I'll make sure he's there" But then he gets serious and says that's just how he is and that I have to tell him that its not cool to act like a diva around me. The other thing to consider here is that Jason is the youngest in the family, so that's probably where some of his 'diva' attitude comes from.
I got off the phone with Joshua with tons of food for thought. I wasn't as hurt anymore. I was mostly annoyed and I wanted to fix this 'diva' attitude that he's been pulling with me. It might be okay if he does it with his siblings, but I'm not one of them. I don't want him pulling stunts like he did on Saturday with me and I certainly don't want him snapping at me because he doesn't want to communicate with me. I'm going to have to sit him down and discuss with him on how we're going to communicate with each other. I think its important that he communicates what he feels in the moment; for example, if he didn't feel like hanging out with me during his lunch break, then all he has to do is say so without giving me a lame excuse. I can't stand it when someone brushes me off with a lame excuse or a joke disguised as an excuse. And I certainly don't like being lied to.
So now... how am I going to do this without shooting myself in the foot? Wouldn't it be completely ridiculous if something like this ended it all? I wonder if he'll call me after what had happened. It would really bug me if he thinks that we resolved that little incident on line. Well, I'll figure something out.
(27/07/07) Ugh, it feels like my life's the total shit all of the sudden. I was suppose to be on a date with Jason this evening, but because of what happened on Tuesday, I haven't heard from him since. So nothing's been confirmed. I called him last night to see what was going on. He didn't answer. I thought that was strange. I couldn't picture him going out or being out this late. From what little I know of him, he doesn't do much other than stick around his apartment playing on the internet. My only guess is that he either screened his phone call and decided that he wouldn't answer my call. Or he turned off his phone.
I had no choice but to leave a message. I can't be double guessing the message that I left. I had asked him if he was mad at me. I told him that I haven't heard from him all week. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what was going on about your date. I asked him to give me a call if he got the message anytime soon. But he hasn't call me back yet. It was too late at night to be crushed. I fell asleept shortly after I called him. I started to accept it last night that the date was cancelled. So at least I'm not too disappointed about it today.
I think I'm finally realizing what I've feared since day one, that this was all destined to end. I never wanted to write that out, I didn't want to admit the fear because it might come true. But it stuck at the back of my mind. I think it�s cruel to have "someone" lead me on like this as though I was some sort of object of convenience. I didn't make myself available these past 5 weeks to fulfill an empty void of intimacy that he had. Why would he be so passionate in bed but want to be so distance emotionally? Ugh, I'm not even sure what it is that I'm trying to say. When we're together, things are perfect, but when we're apart, its like he just doesn't care. That's why I'm starting to feel like I've become this "booty call" for him. Even though no sex is involved. Am I being used? Am I being taken advantaged of?
I feel like I made foolish decisions - decisions that I know I wouldn't have made otherwise. Reasonably and deep down I knew spending nights with Jason probably wasn't a good idea. But that's what I yearned for because this isn't something that happens to me very often - if at all. No one has ever said the things he said to me before. No one has ever looked at me and said 'you're sexy'. And everything since then; all those sleepovers; no one has ever wanted to hold me as much as he does. I've never had a guy kiss me so much as he does. Jason hasn't since made a similar comment like the one he made on our first night together. They were more general(?) in nature? It was stuff like, "you're so sweet" or "you're so cute" but he never repeated "You're sexy you know that?". I never did ask him if he meant that. I told myself that I wouldn't engage in sex with him unless I knew for certain that I wasn't a temporary fixture in his life. I stood my ground on that one. I knew that I couldn't be tempted into sex with him. I'm happy that I didn't do anything more with him than what I had already done. At least I wouldn't be that torn.
If "we" survive this slump, I'll have to adopted a new approach. I will have to separate myself more. Opt out of those sleepovers. Refrain from spending those romantic cuddling nights with him until I get some clue as to what it is that I am there for. If Jason just wants to be friends, then those sleepovers are entirely inappropriate. If he's not ready to get involved in a serious relationship, then we can't be spending so much intimate time together. If these are the cases, then the right thing to do is just simply spend time together - without so much body contact.
Does that make sense? Is that a good idea? What do you think?
EVENING
The date was cancelled. How do I know? Because I'm sitting here typing this journal entry. Jason hasn't called me at all. I checked my message periodically throughout the day, but he didn't call to leave a message or anything. He didn't email me anything. I waited all evening to hear from him. He didn't even call to cancel the date. I'm not that disappointed though, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I knew it since last night. I kind of started to prepare myself for it since last night. And I kept telling myself not to get my hopes up. So I wasn't too crushed by the time this evening came. And now its gone. He's probably spending the evening with his brother. I wonder if he'll call after the weekend is over? I sent Joshua a message telling him that his bestfriend was a jerk and that he hurt me. I'm not sure if that was a good idea.
Oh well, in other news, I have a potential roommate coming in tomorrow to look at the place. He seems nice. His name is David. I spent the evening cleaning the bathroom. One less thing to worry about tomorrow. He's coming by in the evening after he's finished work. He's a student. He's also very young too! By far the youngest guy that I've lived with. That is of course, we like each other. I'll keep you up dated on it.
(29/07/07)So David seems nice. He doesn't look like he's 20 years old. He looks like he'd be closer to his mid-twenties. I spent all day cleaning the apartment. I did a pretty good job. I didn't clean up my room like I hoped. But its not like he's going to want to inspect that room. He was late showing up. He was suppose to be here around 7pm but didn't show up until sometime closer to 8pm. I like to think of these kinds of meetings as an interview, so if he's late, then that's a clue about his personality.
So yeah, David's his name. He's 20. He's a music student at the University of Ottawa and he works part time with a cable company. He's personable, friendly and out-going. I think he was nervous. Which was okay with me because I tend to feed off of other people's nervousness, it kind of gives me strength. Is that odd?
I chatted with him for about an hour or so. He's an only child - save for an older half brother. I didn't probe to deeply into his future plans, I'm sure he hasn't put much thought into it anyway. He seems kind of geeky cause he's into his computer and stuff. I asked him if he was a homebody and he assures me that he's not. But they always say that don't they? But I'm hoping it won't be a problem due to his work schedule. He works moslty nights, so that will give me enough space to enjoy my place. I'm hoping things work out.
Anyway, with that being said, he's taking the place. I didn't get any bad vibes from him so I accepted. He's in quite the predicament. He had a place lined up, but that fell through. So he's really desperate to find a place right now. With that being said, he's moving in Sunday (which is today). This has proven to be a boring process. I have to stick around until he's finished. He's moving everything into the living room for now as he won't be able to take possession until the first. So its cluttering up my living room. Plus, the way this guy packs is impossible. He can't pack. There's stuff everywhere. I'm trying to be productive, I'm trying to get groccery shopping done and laundry done while he's gone getting another load.
Jason called last night. That kind of made me happy. I missed his call while I was brushing my teeth last night. I came into my room and my phone was flashing. I'm wondering if Joshua has anything to do with it? Anyway, my friend Mark sends me a message inviting me out to the Edge. I wasn't doing anything so I accepted. But as it got later into the evening, the humidity wasn't dropping. So that wasn't motivating me to go out. While I was debating that, Joshua sent me a message and in response, I hinted at my unhappy state and that I was going out with a friend and that I'd be thinking about him (Joshua). This was about 8:30pm or so.
Well, Jason calls me sometime after 10:30pm. I wonder if Joshua passed along the message? I wonder if Jason felt somewhat jealous? Funny how my mind works. And it's strange that, that brings me a little happiness. I didn't return Jason's phone call. Since I didn't actually go out, I still wanted Jason to think that I did
Jason's message was short. He talked very quietly so that it was almost difficult to hear him apologize. He did say he was sorry. I took that as a good sign. So of course, that made me smile a little. I waited until later today before I called him back. I caught him at the groccery store. I tried to play it cool. The conversation wasn't moving quickly and it was a mono-toned conversation. It wasn't peppy. Jason told me that he would talk to me later because he was shopping. I said okay.
He hasn't called back yet. :( Am I sad? Yes. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what to think. Is this the end? Is it close? What do I do from here? Just keep waiting? How long will I last? Perhaps he just doesn't want to move forward. I don't know. I could ask a hundred questions and it still wouldn't get me any closer to the truth.
(31/07/07) Last entry of the month. Last entry about Jason. You think I'm kidding, but I think its the end for us. 5 weeks, that wasn't so bad was it? I mean, if it wasn't for him, I would have hardly anything to write about. Because of him, you were taking along for an emotional rollercoaster ride. And I know you enjoyed it as much as I did.
I couldn't take the silence any longer. I needed to reach out to Jason and say something. I figured that I needed to make a bold move just to get things moving. I hate sitting here in this stagnant state. My heart needs to know things. I need to know things. I need to know what's going on between Jason and I. So I sent him an Hallmark e-card. It was a sweet one. It was a "missing you" card. A little tiny cartoon figure hopped onto a hill under a night sky full of stars and started to sing "twinkle, twinkle little star" at the end of the song, the tiny cartoon character says "I miss you". After that I wrote a little poem. Actually, its a modified poem that someone else had written. It said:
I sent that off and just waited. He didn't respond until today. What he said was not nice. He wrote:
Thanks for the card; just when I am hitting rock bottom, you put a smile on my face. If only you knew what I've been through since the last time we saw each other. I have been going insane with my ex-roommate who no longer wants to pay her share of the rent, she's dumped all her bills on me. It's been nothing but battles between me and her and I'm sick and tired of it all. And now I think I'm just gonna get my own apartment, I don't want to have to put up with another fucked up roommate. I will have to pay the whole fucken rent... that bitch just pisses me off big time.
Anyway, thats what I've been up to... I haven't had time for anything else. Why do you want to be with someone like me anyway? I don't understand... what is it with me your so infatuated with? I don't have time for a relationship at this time in my life... I don't care to be with anyone right now... I just want to be alone. Your a very nice person and all but I'm not looking for anyone... I won't have time for that when school starts... it'll just be school, work, gym and homework basically. When I came to Ottawa... thats all I came here for; school. So if your just looking for a friend, then I'm here but either then that... it's not possible. I'm sorry things have already gone too far but I just have to say this right now before our emotions get involved. I hope you understand. So anyway, I hope to hear from you soon but if not, I'll understand. Take Care!
That absolutely crushed me. To be rejected like that - suddenly. I didn't see this unfolding like this. It almost seems surreal. What about the last weekend we spent together? Things seemed to be going so well. He didn't seem to be hesitant then. Why the change of heart now?
I spent all morning trying to come up with some sort of response. It wasn't easy because I was hurt. But I wanted to say something sensible and not so melodramatic. This is what I came back with:
I�m sorry to hear that you�ve been going through some tough times with your roommate. I�ve had my fair share of tough roommates, especially those who decided to ditch everything on you. At least the bills are in her name and not yours. That�s a major plus for you. And you�re right; she should have been responsible and disconnected everything when she left. This would have left you responsible for getting yourself connected with a phone and such and left her without debt. On the other hand, perhaps she felt she was doing the nice thing when she left by leaving those services on for you to continue to use. Who knows? There is always two sides to a coin.
Getting your own place is always a good idea. You�ll be entirely responsible for yourself and you wouldn�t have to worry about these sorts of problems. The biggest con in getting your own place in this city is that it�s so expensive. Not all roommates are bad. I�ve lived with some pretty good ones in my past. Living with a roommate takes personal adjustments, you need to change as much as the other person because there�s two people involved in making living together a success.
Why do I want to be with someone like you? Because I�ve gotten to know and see someone very special; and those kinds of people are hard to find. You�re far from perfect, but you�re still a good person. I�m sitting here trying to figure out why you would choose a word like �infatuated� to describe my feelings towards you. I don�t know if it�s because you lack self-confidence in yourself as a person, or if you perceive me as a foolish and naive person. Whatever the reason, �infatuated� is not a good word. It�s hurts to think that you think of me in that sense when I thought I was just being me. I was only being me because you allowed me to be me. So if its got to be infatuation, then its because you encouraged me to be so.
I don�t believe you when you say that you want to be alone. No one truly wishes to be alone. Those who truly wish it and admit it are usually making a subconscious call for help. But I don�t see you doing this. I�m pretty focused on my life as well. Law school isn�t easy. My life isn�t easy. I wasn�t actively looking for anyone either. But then you came along. You seemed to have come out of nowhere. No one has said and done the things you�ve said and done to me. You did it in such a way that I knew that I could trust you. If you were being insincere then you by far are the darkest person I�ve come to know. I already have issues with trusting guys; and you�ll only make it worse by turning your back on me now. I know that I�ve been hurt in the past, but nothing like this. You want to jump ship before emotions get involved? Well, that�s already too late for me. Maybe you have a switch inside of you that you can flick off but I don�t; I�m only human.
I don�t understand why you�re choosing to continue to dismantle your life around you; why your choosing to set up your life so you�ll be left alone when you come to the middle of it. I�ll be just one less thing that will be missing from your life. I�ll be one less person who was willing to love you. I�m not sitting here typing this letter to plead with you to reconsider. I�m sitting here telling you how you�ve impacted and affected my life. As short as it was, it didn�t take much from you to cause what you did.
Friends? That�s a possibility but not right now. A friend wouldn�t have betrayed my feelings or my heart as you selfishly have done. You�ll always mean something to me and I�ll never forget that. A friendship takes work, work that I�m not sure you�ll have time for. I didn�t mind putting in the effort to get to know you because you were returning the effort in your own ways. But the dynamics of the relation have changed now. Whatever effort you put in, it will be reciprocated. However, in the past 3 weeks you haven�t done much to reach out and communicate with me (i.e. phone call, email). So I see you fading out and disappearing.
If this is definitely the end, then I will find the strength to accept that. I�ve been blessed with the gift of strength and I�ll find ways to deal with this. As a promise to myself (and you) I will try not to let the hurt poison my heart. What doesn�t kill you only makes you stronger right?
If you have anything to say, I�m here to listen. I�ll still be here for you for the next little while until my heart sensibly lets go. If not, then I hope with my heart that your God sees you through your loneliness and carries your burdens that you�ve so lovingly entrusted him to do.
That's what I sent. I'm not sure if that was a good thing at all. A part of me still hopes that Jason will come round and realize that he's missing out on something really special here. I don't know. Maybe its all for the best. Maybe things should end. But I don't want to be friends with Jason. I honestly don't. I want to be much, much more than that with him. Is that stupid? I just want to keep going down the same road that we've been going down. Continue to see where this goes. It can still go in any direction at this point. I don't understand why he wants to bail out so suddenly. I wonder how long it'll take him to respond. He's on line now, but there's no way of me knowing if he has read my email.
On another note, I think I did something that wasn't such a good idea. You're probably asking yourself; "what now?" I sent Tony an email kind of venting my frustration of why he left Ottawa. I was going to write: "Why couldn't you just be the man that I wanted you to be?" But I didn't. Don't worry. I'm not that crazy! BUT, to make things worse. I chatted with him earlier this evening on msn. I told him that I wasn't happy, but didn't tell him why. I didn't mention Jason to him. Instead I told him that I missed him and wanted to see him. I told him to make a trip to Ottawa this weekend. We arranged a sexual rendez-vous for this weekend. Sex was obviously implied. So now he's on his way this weekend. What did I do? Am I toying with Tony? I hardly doubt Tony feels anything for me. I'm sure I'm just a casual fuck buddy to him. What if Jason writes back realizing he's made a mistake? What do I tell Tony then? I really know how to submerse myself in drama don't I?
