*Note all entries are added cronicological order from the begining of the month to the end. (dd/mm/yy)
(01/08/07) First entry of the month! Will it be Jason free? Probably not. LOL At least not right away. Everything is up in the air right now. There's no knowing where the sticks are going to fall. Jason sent me a response this morning. It didn't exactly make me happy, but it didn't upset me anymore than I was last night. I kind of felt relieved.
I didn't go into work today. I'm kind of glad that I didn't. I really needed some time to think about all this. It's been an immense weight on me. Yesterday was tough. It was tough to stay focused. It was tough not to make stupid mistakes. But we make those everyday regardless right?
I mostly took the day off to help David move in. Oh, did I tell you about my suspicion's of him being gay? Well, there's this Blue Oasis bag on top of the stuff that he left here. You're probably wondering what the heck Blue Oasis is; well its a super gay furniture store. It's actually owned by a gay man and employes a lot of gay guys. Anyway, just because you shop there, doesn't make you gay, but the stuff there is over-priced and very trendy and chic. Too chic for a casual straight guy if you know what I mean.
Anyway, inside this bag is a magazine that was flipped over to "hide" the cover. Well, my curiosity got the best of me and I flipped the magazine over. It was a Details magazine. At first I thought, "ok, no big deal, it's a guy's magazine." But then I focused who was on the cover! It was Jake Gyllenhaal! The magazine beneath that had Vin Diesel on the cover and beneath that was Matthew McConaughey. Okay, okay, so I started to think, "No big deal, it's still a guy's magazine."
That's when I decided to be more like Nancy Drew and I started to inspect the dates. Jake was on top the pile and it was a December 2005 issue! That's like 2 years ago! Vin was an April 2006 issue and Matthew was on the Jan/Feb 2006 issue! So at this point, I'm thinking, why would he just keep these magazines? I quickly flipped through them and there was at least one article in them that was about being gay. Coincidence? I think not! I think my little roommate is GAY! I also took note that none of the pages were stuck together! LOL
I dug a bit deeper into the bag because beneath Matthew was a music book. But beneath that were more Details magazines! There was a Matthew Fox September 2005 issue, Colin Farrell November 2005 issue, and a couple of others! Why has he selectively kept certain magazines and not all of them?
So I did a bit of online research of Details and found out that until mid 1999, Details featured women on their covers. Since then, male celebrities have dominated the covers. Not only are they on the covers, but the photographs of them are very hyper masculine and very sexy looking. It looks like a cover of a women's magazine. Furthermore, it seems there's a huge debate on the demographics that the magazine targets now. It looks like it went from pure heterosexual to homosexual (or metrosexual in the very least). Is it a gay magazine or bi magazine? There's not clear answer for that question. But whatever the case, I still can't believe David hasn't kept any newer issues than spring of last year. The guys that are the cover since then were pretty HOT too.
Anyway, that's been keeping me somewhat distracted from Jason these past few days. And of course Tony thinks I should come out and tell David that I'm gay so we can begin the orgies. Whatever!
So Jason sent me a response to my email. I was a bit scared to open it and read it, but was relieved to read something rather sweet, it says:
That wasn't easy for me to say in the last email I sent you because I do care about you alot, you've done nothing but good to me. Maybe it's because I feel I don't deserve good things from good people like yourself or maybe I do. I say things I don't mean when somethings not going the way I want it to be; it's not me at all, it's my anger and I'm so sorry to take it out on you of all people.
As for me looking for a new apartment; I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. Unfortunately, I am left to pay August rent on my own; hopefully by then, everything will fall into place. I just can't believe this is happening to me. This is all overwhelming and stressing on me. It just seems my roommate doesn't give a care. But what can I do? I'll be careful next time I choose to roommate with anyone.
I don't want to terminate our relationship/friendship or whatever it was because of this tough situation I am in right now. I want to gain more into a friendship with you; that's as far as I want things to go right now between you and I. I need to straighten things out with myself before I can share myself with anyone. I think it's better being friends then nothing at all, don't you think? I didn't expect to have this kind of impact on you in the short time that we've known eachother; I didn't know that was possible. It usually takes me some time to gradually build into a strong relationship. I thought before our emotions get seriously involved I should put it to a stop or atleast to a stall and see where things go from our friendship. Maybe our aspects of eachother will or will not change, I don't know. I know I would want to get to know you a little better and I'm sure you'd want the same so why rush into things? There's plenty of time in the world to build on something that could possibly be amazing. I enjoy spending time with you but please give me time to think about this, lets just enjoy what we both have right now and take things one step at a time. As you said in your email, that you basically can't go from a relationship into a friendship right now, I understand you completely so whenever your ready you have my contact information. Anyway, it's offly getting late so I must get some sleep. Take Care!
I'm still thinking things are wrapping up and coming to a close. What ever part of me that still had a thread of hope faded over night. I think I'm starting to really accept that things are finished. But still, I was slightly confused at what Jason was asking of me. Here is my response to his email:
I must have read your email a dozen times trying to figure out what it is that you�re feeling. I see what you�re saying, but there�s always more to what�s being written. There�s usually an underlying theme or train of thought going through someone�s head when they�re communicating. One of the things that I�ve noticed is how you�re feeling about yourself and how you�re feeling about the �good things� in your life. It makes me wonder if you see your world as clouded or completely dark all the time; and when something good does happen, it�s predominately evident. Are you thinking; �Is this a mistake?� or �Why is there this �good� in my life right now?� or is the �good� in your life so inconsistent with the gloom that encompasses your life that it can�t possible be there just for you? If that�s the case, then these are pretty dark thoughts.
It wasn�t too far long ago that such questions were going through my mind. I thought I was destined to live a life in misery without any glimpse of happiness that everyone else around me seemed to be drowning in. Then I snapped out of it. I realized that I was both being too dependent on faith and too independent of other people. It was a balance that simply was not working. So I reversed the dependencies that I had and things have changed for the better since then.
We have to embrace those good things and appreciate them. Learning how to appreciate is an important lesson in life to learn. All things need to be appreciated; not only the good things, but the bad things too. Everything has to be appreciated in its own right. One has to learn and understand what appreciation is to be able to understand the things in their life. With that being said; �so there�s something good that gets thrown your way. It�s not a bad thing. It�s not meant to test you or tempt you. It�s not a tool for reflection of your self worth. It�s there because it�s meant to be. Find out what that �good� is and enjoy it. Don�t try to analyze it and determine that it wasn�t meant for you.
Another intriguing point you raise is that you seem to expect life to be more organized or make more sense. As a 30 year old man, you should have realized by now that life is complex. It�s never going to be simple ever again. Life was only simple as a child when we were all filled with ignorance of the world around us. I realized this when I hit my mid-twenties. I was desperately trying to achieve some sort of perfect balance, something that I had as a teenager, but realized that no matter what I did, something else always seemed to pop up to complicate things. I would put certain things on hold thinking that I�d be better suited to deal with those things later. By doing so, I missed out on some good opportunities because I doubted my capacity (some examples that I can think of are jobs, or travel opportunities). I do have to say that I�ve never had the opportunity to put a person on hold until things cleared up. So I�m not sure what that feels like when someone feels that they need to do that. I have no idea of the severity of thoughts that go through someone�s mind to do that. So I can�t pretend that I know.
There was one more thing that I noticed in your email. However, I cautioned myself because I�m incredibly biased and I may be reading into something that a part of me still wants to believe; but I�m finally seeing a glimpse of how you�re feeling about me � or you and I. Other than physical actions from you, I�ve never really gotten any vocal indications of how you felt. I knew you cared about me and you showed me this by your actions. But you never really said it until now. At the time, I figured it wasn�t necessary to hear what your feelings where because you were physically showing them. That goes to show you that there is more than one way to communicate with someone. Ever hear that expression: �the unspoken language of love�? Simply not saying something does not exempt you from the responsibility of your actions. Just because you didn�t say it, doesn�t mean that you weren�t communicating something with a similar meaning.
There was a point where I felt that I should try and get some sort of verbal confirmation out of you. So I tried. I tried to get you to say something about how you felt about me. I tried to �induce� these thoughts out of you by way of email. When that wasn�t working, I decided to ask you point blank. I guess I should have realized then that if you weren�t able to vocalize how you were feeling; then something wasn�t right. But I was blinded by your physical actions rather than what was not coming out of your mouth. I was trying to be as cautious as I could be in such an excited state. Emotions can get the best of us, and they can certainly blind us. I know you understand this because you just admitted that when in an angered state you take it out on other people. I was kind of doing the same thing; I was feeling something (good) that I reacted to it without putting much thought into what I was doing or what the consequences will be. It was then that I decided to myself that �Jason�s just quiet, but he�s telling me what I need to know by what he�s doing�; so I stopped trying to get a verbal confirmation out of you.
We�re all different. Everyone is built differently. Everyone thinks differently. Everyone communicates differently. It�s our responsibility to always take into consideration the other person. Life doesn�t revolve around a single person. We�re all intertwined. What you do impacts others. I guess the point that I�m trying to make here is that I�m different than you are; and you have to respect that and appreciate that. We�ve known each other for 5 weeks. When I realized that, it doesn�t seem that long. It went by really fast. We did a lot in those short 5 weeks. But in those short 5 weeks, and because I�m different and I did my best to be as sensible and rational as I could be, I�ve developed feelings far more quicker than you. When you told me that you didn�t think that was possible; that little bit of truth actually hurt. Knowing that you weren�t actually on the same page as me; I guess I put more value in things than you did. Does that make me foolish for doing that? Does that make me a bad person? Does that make you a bad person? (I�ll save the analysis of that question for a later email)
I�m not sure what else to write at the moment. But since this particular chapter is coming to an end, I might as well share with you how I saw the past 5 weeks. It all started with one sentence that came out of your mouth: "You're sexy you know that?" That's what you said to me as you laid on top of me looking into my eyes...
I edited a portion out of it because you already know all the details - my inner thoughts.
So as you can see, as careful and cautious as I could be in such a wonderful and new situation, I believed something was happening and I had developed feelings. I started to feel secure in those feelings. Boy was I wrong eh? I can�t remember feeling as humiliated as I did yesterday. I know I�ve done some foolish things in the past, but that tops them all. After the hurt sunk in, anger started to creep up. How could I haven been so utterly stupid? I�ll be angry with myself first; then I�ll be angry with you. I�m still feeling hurt from you, so you�ve got some time before you�re subjected to my wrath. LOL
With that being said, as I seek closure on this, I will be expecting you to be responsible and own up to your actions. It took two people for me to end up where I am right now. I wasn�t so deluded that I imagined everything by myself. You did play a part in this. I�ll have a hundred questions for you later; and if a friendship is to blossom after this, then you�re going to have to accept the work involved to make a friendship bloom. As I�ve said before, even a friend would not have been so careless to hurt another friend. If you knew that we were getting too close for your comfort, then you should have done something to change it a while back; not continue to get closer and leading me on to believe otherwise. It�s almost dishonest. I guarantee that getting through this will be complicated, complex and frustrating for you.
Life�s not easy. I�m also a complex 30 year old trying to push my way through life. I have my share of problems, doubts, and challenges that I need to get through on top of all that has happened to me in the last 5 weeks. I just want you to know that we�re all dealing with stuff, but I�m sure you�re aware of that right?
�Being friends is better than nothing at all�; isn�t that a clich� or something? I don�t mean to mock the sanctity of that good intention. Wiping out everything that I�ve gone through, then of course, friends is always better than nothing. But that�s not the case here. It�s not going to be easy as that. I honestly don�t feel the same way you do when you say that you don�t want to terminate our �relationship/friendship� that we have. My heart wants more than friendship because it worked hard towards its goal; my brain is more sensible and says being friends is better than nothing. But that�ll happen over time, once my brain and I convince my heart that it�s just not going to happen.
You confuse me with what you�re asking of me. You�re telling me that you want to be friends and yet you say this:
�There's plenty of time in the world to build on something that could possibly be amazing. I enjoy spending time with you but please give me time to think about this, lets just enjoy what we both have right now and take things one step at a time.�
To me, it sounds like you want more than friendship. This sounds like you want to continue with what we�ve already established and see where that goes. There�s a contradiction here. If we continue with what we�ve got, then it�s a relationship � albeit an undefined one. If you want friendship, then we can�t continue with what we�ve got, because the things we�ve done are not appropriate behaviour between friends; at least, not for me anyway. Friendship means that the dynamics of the relationship will change; I won�t be as close anymore. All the little perks that you�ve enjoyed will no longer be there. You have to be prepared to see a different side of me, a less �intimate� side of me.
However, if you�re unsure you want more than a friendship, but still enjoy the closeness that we�ve shared; then we need to discuss what your feelings are. It�s apparent that you don�t want to lose me entirely. What�s not apparent is what parts of me you don�t want to lose. I also get a slight impression that you want me to wait until you figure things out for yourself. This is usually a risky request, many great novels were written on the dilemma that�s now before you (I suggest reading Jane Austen�s �Persuasion�). The most common scenario is that you request a friendship from me, and while you�re busy figuring things out, I could possibly find someone else (or someone find me) and you�d lose me altogether. That�s the worse case scenario; but a highly plausible one. The other common scenario is that during this bout of friendship, I end up �seeing� things about you during your vulnerable period of figuring things out and reject you when you�re finally ready.
I guess the point I�m trying to make here, before I get way off topic, is that if you want more than friendship but not a committed boyfriend/boyfriend relationship, then we should opt for an exclusive relationship. This usually entails that neither one of us gets involved with another person; the trade off in this is that we continue to be intimate with each other. An exclusive relationship allows us to learn more about each other at a more comfortable and slower pace to allow us to determine if moving onto a more committed relationship is in our both interests.
This might be the best option only if you�re looking for some time to think without losing me altogether and continuing with what we�ve got. But if you know with absolute certainty that you only want to be friends then this is not the route to take. To put this option into context, an exclusive relationship to each other allows security to one and time to the other. We can decide later if we want to progress to a more committed relationship. Who knows, during this time we may both learn that it�s not going to work. But at least this gives us both the opportunity to discover that � not just one of us.
Well, I�ve given you a lot of read and think about. I�m asking for you share with me what has been going through your mind. I�m also asking for some clarification on what it is that you�re looking for. Look into your heart when you ask these questions and make sure you make a decision that feels right. I think I also need to know what page you�re on. I think this might help me understand the situation better. Setting aside you�re crazy life, what do you want of me? Take some time to think about your response. In the meantime, I�ll be waiting.
P.S. �Anyway, it's offly getting late so I must get some sleep. Take Care!� �offly� that�s cute. How many points do you think you�d score on scrabble with that word? By the way it�s: awfully. ;)
I'm not sure if what I said was a good idea. But you know what? I think I've reached my breaking point where I'm even starting to lose my patience. I just want to know, point blank what this guy thinks of me. Just give me a straight answer. I realize this isn't as easy as it sounds. And I know that he won't be able to formulate a straight answer. But his heart should definitely be saying something! Something like: "I have feelings for you and I want to be with you!" I know what you're thinking, "He's already said that" That just goes to show how confused I am and how much I'm growing tired of this. Life's too short to be playing these kinds of games. Why am I so black and white on things? Why do I avoid the grey area so much?
I spent part of my evening with Jen. She's a girl I met in law school last year. She's cool. We worked together on a few papers and sat next to each other in a couple of classes. She's easy to talk to. I asked her at the beginning of the summer if she wanted to hang out and she said 'definitely'. So we finally did that, even though its now August. But I guess its better late than never right? I haven't bothered to tell her about the drama Jason caused me. But some day I will. She's going back to Toronto soon until school starts. She wants to get together again soon. I'd like to do something more than what we did, which was sitting around inside a mall. But the heat limits our activities. I hope this damned humidity lifts soon so I can go back outside. Anyway, that's about it for now. This post ended up being a doozy didn't it?
(02/08/07) I had lunch with Joe today. I needed someone to talk to about all this. It really sucks. I keep expecting myself to collaspe and break down but that hasn't happened. I think I've always known deep down that this wasn't going to last. That's probably why I'm not absolutely crushed.
Anyway, I met up with Joe and filled him in on what happened. It's hard to believe that the last time I saw Joe I thought I was happy. I thought Jason and I were well on our way to happiness together. It's funny how all that fell apart so quickly. That saddens me.
Joe thinks I should totally move on from Jason. He thinks Jason is just too complicated for something that should be so simple. Joe wasn't too thrilled by the fact that I left the "relationship" topic open for Jason to decide on. He thinks I should have just ended it right there and then. But that's easier said than done. How can I throw something like this away? How do you throw happiness away? How do you forget about those moments warmth?
I told Joe that I didn't want to be friends with Jason. I couldn't see that happening. Does that make me bitter? Do I sound like a sore loser? Or do I have valid grounds for deciding that? I mean, Jason had the luxury of pulling out when he did. So I guess I have the same liberty to decide who and who won't be my friend.
LOL Joe wasn't impressed with me talking to Tony either! Especially since I've tried closing that particular chapter of my life when I met Jason. I also had to confess to Joe that this weekend would probably include some sort of sexual activity. Well, Joe being Joe strongly advised that I don't do anything sexual with him. I can see where he's coming from, but I haven't hooked up with anyone in what seems like forever! Plus, I'm still feeling angry and hurt about what happened. I feel like I really need to get back out there and continue with living my life. I guess we'll see what happens.
I got a response back from Jason from that long email that I sent him yesterday. He didn't even address anything that I have written other than one stupid little thing (something that I edited out when I put it into my journal)! He wrote:
Wow! that was a freaken long novel you wrote there but your a smart guy, why would you want a dumb guy like me for; so you can correct every slang word I speak?..mine you, thats the one thing I really hate about you or anyone that tries to correct my speech. I snapped at my sister the other day because I spoke slang and she corrected my english. Yes! I do tend to speak slang words very often like for instance "whatever" and I hate it when you repeat after me on that. Anyway, I didn't get a chance to finish up on your novel, I'll get back to it later but for now, just think about what I said and please take it into consideration of how irritating it is to be corrected. I know how to speak, you don't always have to correct me. Later!
What a little shit! That's all I can say at this point. How did he make this about him? How can he just sit there and critize me about something when I'm already down. And I can't believe he used words like "hate". I'm so... mad at him. I don't know think he even knows what he's trying to say here. Speaking slang is one thing, but misspelling a word is another. He spelt 'awfully' as 'offly'. How is that slang? And its not like I lectured him on the correct spelling of the word. I thought it was cute and endearing. I know his use of the English language is not up to par with my own. I discovered that while reading his essay! I knew he didn't have a good command of the English language. I wouldn't rub that in his face deliberately.
Anyway, speaking slang is something else. You can't sense a misspelling of a word when speaking - unless he used a word incorrectly, but I don't see him using a word that he's not familiar with anyway. Besides, isn't it nice (and ever respectful) to correct someone from making a future mistake? I do it tactfully usual in private. I never make a mistake known in public. I wouldn't want to Jason to think spelling 'offly' is correct. What if he used the word in a formal setting? I don't know, I thought I was doing something nice.
What bothers me the most is how easily he uses "hate". I would have never thought he'd use a word like that with me. I've got some thinking to do.
(05/08/07) Well,Tony is gone. I had a great time with him. He arrived Friday afternoon. He came over around 6pm to pick me up. We didn't have anything planned before hand so we quickly came up with a game plan. It was a hot afternoon and I was expecting it to remain humid all through the night so I didn't really plan on fooling around with Tony that night. So I suggested a movie. I really wanted to watch Hairspray and suggested that. I thought I would have to sell Tony on it but he said that he'd be interested in seeing it. So that was cool. We chose a later showing to make room for dinner.
We decided to go to this little indian restaurant that we've been going to. It was hot outside and it was hot inside too. We kind of joked that we were really experiencing the indian environment as we imagined it would be that hot in New Delhi. Dinner took longer than usual. We knew the place is a little slow, but it was slower than usual. But we had a lot of time before the movie started.
Tony brought me up to speed on everything that he's been doing since I last saw him. It's been practically a month since I've last seen him. His mother is busy driving him insane. I know he's not happy living there. I know this isn't how he imagined his life turning, but what can you do. I try not to lecture Tony on how he should be living his life. I think he's still as lazy as ever when it comes to changing his life. But I've stopped hinting at that notion. Other than his mother driving him nuts, he seems to be enjoying himself with his friends. One in particular because she recently gave birth. So he's been around her and the baby a lot.
Unlike myself, Tony has been a little busy in the "bed" department. He's met a few guys - all of which live far from Trenton. He actually travelled an hour to meet one of them. He's having absolutely no luck with guys. He tells me that there's slim pickin's in Trenton. Guys are either too old or too young; he mostly chats with older guys. Poor guy. Of course I've got nothing to offer him in ways of my sexcapades. I didn't mention Jason at all. I ended up probing Tony for more info on his latest conquests.
Dinner was excellent. I didn't eat too much because Tony mentioned that he wanted to go out for dessert afterwards. So I didn't stuff myself. I didn't even eat til I got full. I was well under that level. We went to Denny's for dessert. It was the closest place to the theatre. We both had chocolate cake. I ate that and still didn't feel full, full. Which was good. I did, however, started to feel tired.
After dinner we still had some time to kill so we walked over to Chapters. I bought myself a coffee and drank that while I browsed through the books. They had a copy of Jane Austen's Persuasion on sale. I debated on whether I should pick up a copy. I've always wanted to read it after it was mentioned in The Lakehouse. I'm a sucker for those melodramas. I decided against getting it. I'm only half way through my current book and I still have the new Harry Potter book to get through.
Hairspray was awesome! I had a lot of fun watching it. I was a little miffed at certain points where it totally didn't look like the actor was singing. It looked really fake. But other than that, it was a good movie. John Travolta did a marvelous job! He really made me fall in love with Edna Turnblad. The music was great too! I was a little disappointed with the finale though. There was too much dialogue interspersed with the song. I was expecting this BIG number with the entire cast dancing and stuff, but it wasn't like that. The BIG number seemed to shrink as a prolongued scene. Oh well. Let me tell you though, I really fell in love with Zac Efron. He's a hottie!
After the movie, Tony and I went back to my place. It was after midnight and I was totally exhausted. I was much too tired to do anything. Tony asked me if he could sleep in my bed with me. I thought that was a little cute. I told him that he could. Since my bed was no longer exclusive to Jason anymore, I didn't see a problem.
I couldn't sleep at first because I kept thinking about Tony. I was kind of horny and figured I'd sleep better if I suggested messing around with him. But then I didn't like the idea of having to sleep in late the following morning, let alone sleeping in a bright room considering my room faces the sunrises. We were both hot so I turned on the air conditioner and I eventually fell asleep.
SATURDAY
I filled Tony in on what I had planned for us that day. I told him that I wanted to take him hiking. He didn't seem opposed to the idea. We got up and got showered. He drove me over to the grocery store to buy stuff for breakfast. We got back to my place and I whipped us up something to eat. He didn't even eat all of his breakfast. He ate so little of it. After that we headed off. We made a stop at his friend's place. He's kind of cute and he's a veterinarian too. I'm not sure how old he is. I'd date him though. lol I'm not sure how Tony met this guy, they seem so different. He'd be the type of guy that I would have known.
Anyway, after that, we headed into Gatineau to the trail. I took Tony to Luskville Falls. I wanted to dispell the "magic" that place had when I was there with Jason. It's a good thing I went because it was different. The water run off was literally a dribble. It was like someone turned off the tap or something. We managed to hike to the top in less than an hour! I couldn't believe it. Tony managed to keep my pace, which is quite the feat in itself. His legs were already fatigued from a previous workout.
We spent about 45 minutes on top before we made our way back down again. I was really surprised about the temperature that day. It was sooo breezy! It felt great! It was hot under the sun, but the breeze sent a gentle chill down your back. Going down wasn't that easy for me; I couldn't understand why. My legs were turning into jelly quite quickly. By the time I got to the bottom, the back of my shirt where my little backpack was, was drenched! I took off the backpack and walked for a bit and the cool breeze cooled the sweat and turned it cold. That was a shock.
When we were on top the mountain, Tony told me about this place called Quyon that had a ferry. He wanted to take me on the ferry. I thought that was sweet and thoughtful so we drove off looking for Quyon. We get there, and its this little tiny town. We waited for the little ferry to come. Now, I've been on ferries before and I've always known them to be front and back loading ferries (that means, a car drives straight on in one direction and drives off in the same direction). But when this little Quyon ferry arrives, its a side loader. It was the oddest thing I've seen. The cars drive onto it, turn and park. It was really strange.
The ferry guys were incredibly HOT though! Why are the boys in Quebec sooo much HOTTER?! The guy wore sunglasses so I couldn't see his face. But he spoke enough english to speak to us. He was really friendly. Perhaps he thought Tony and I were a novelty since we both spoke english. Anyway I could keep my eyes off of him. He had a nice body, nice little round ass, nice calves, nice jaw, and nice lips. He also had nice arms and hands! Wow, this guy was HOT. There were also two car loads of hot boys too! Man, that ferry would be the ideal boat that I'd want to get shipwrecked on! I'd be surrounded by all those HOT guys!
The ferry ride was short. Tony wanted to know what we were going to do for dinner. I told him that after a workout like hiking that I'd need some serious protein. So I offered to cook him my famous spicey jalapeno burger. So we made our way to Billing's Bridge and got some food. It didn't take long to cook. Once I was finished with that, I was totally tired. I forced Tony to watch the Amazing Race with me. After that we tried to figure out what we were going to do. Tony wanted to go watch the new Harry Potter movie. I didn't object, but I was thinking about fooling around with him! I kept getting butterflies throughout the day thinking about it. I had spoken to David earlier that day and he said that he was going out for the evening. So I suggested to Tony that we could go to the later show and wait til David leaves. Or we go to an earlier show and risk David coming back at the same time.
That was my biggest fear. That if we waited til the late show, David would leave at the same time and return basically at the same time, meaning that Tony and I would have very little time to mess around in private. The other scenario was that we wait to see if David leaves and then we could mess around and then take off to the show. We ended up seeing the late show. It look like David was going anywhere.
So Tony and I decided to kill some time going to a coffee shop and hit up some stores before the movie started. We went back to Chapters and I decided to pick up Persuasion. I grabbed a strong, strong coffee from Starbucks before going into the movie. I was totally exhausted and was afraid that I wouldn't be able to stay awake. But that wasn't a huge problem.
Harry Potter was interesting. It was the first time that I've watched the movie after I've read the book. It was weird knowing what was going to happen before I even saw it. It was also slightly annoying noticing things missing. I felt that it distracted from the movie. What I was surprised with most is how they adapted the screenplay to the book because the Phoenix is the longest of the series. So there was a lot missing. After the movie was over I was left wondering how lost a person would be if they didn't read the book before seeing the movie. The movie just seemed to be one long montage of scenes.
After the movie was over Tony and I went back to my place. David wasn't there. I got excited. I didn't know how long he would be gone so Tony and I didn't waste any time!
I have to say, it was slightly odd. I was shy at first, but that seemed to subside and turned into... I don't know. It just seemed very mechanical. I wasn't too sure if it was because we were pressured by time or what. But we just moved about and did our thing. I tried talking to him, but that just seemed to make us both laugh. So it was a bit strange. We finished quite quickly actually. I think we went at it for like 30 minutes if that. It was not how I imagined it going. I guess I was expecting more from Tony in terms of "playing".
Tony was tired and basically went to bed right after. I was still feeling a bit of the coffee running through me so I put on a movie and watched that. I eventually went to sleep.
SUNDAY
I woke up before Tony did. I couldn't sleep. I started to think about Jason. I started to feel differently about him. After last night, I knew things were definitely over and in the past. I was able to jump in the sack with another guy and not think about him. I started to think about writing Jason an email letting him know that I've changed my mind about him considering if he wanted a relationship with me. I figured, what's the point? He's really not ready to be in a relationship. I felt less blinded and less tied to him now. Now that Tony was sleeping less than 12 inches away.
I snuck out of the room and went to the bathroom. That's when I noticed that David didn't come home last night. He stayed out all night. I jumped on the computer to check my emails and stuff. I checked out the usual sites that I'm involved with, and even uploaded some new pics to another "site" that I belong to. Tony eventually came out and went to the bathroom. That's when I decided to turn off my computer. I went back into my bedroom where Tony joined me. There was only one thing on Tony's mind. And since David wasn't there, why not take advantage of that fact?
Tony then tells me that he's gotta go before 2pm. I was relieved that he was going. I really enjoyed his stay, but I also wanted to be alone. I still had this sense that I needed to reflect about Jason a bit more. I needed to think about what I Was going to do next.
We both took showers and decided to go get some coffee. I was starving so I grabbed a bagel. After that we decided to go to Walmart to walk around for a bit. I grabbed some random stuff and we headed back to my place. It was close to 1pm by the time I got back. And then Tony left.
By the time Tony and I got back, David was back. I spent most of the afternoon helping David sort through some of his stuff. I really want to get the place looking normal again. OH! I made a funny little discovery! I walked into David's room and noticed an EDGE card lying on his desk! EDGE being a gay club here in Ottawa. So that confirms it, David is totally gay! Not that, that was much of surprise.
I spent the rest of the afternoon alone. David went out to a BBQ. I actually invited over a guy and we fooled around for a bit. I know! Two guys in one weekend! Not only that, twice in one day! I was surprised how well I was able to perform considering that I had done it this morning. But I am a healthy boy after all!
Well, that's about it for now.
EVENING
So I just sent off an email to Jason. Actually, I intentionally logged onto MSN to do it. I knew that I wanted to send him the email, but if he was on line, I was also going to mention something about it being over between us.
Jason was on line. And he did send me a message shortly after. He said hello followed by: "You probably think I'm a big jerk." and he apologized. I told him: "It's okay if I think you're a jerk, but that won't last long cause I truly know that you're not." He asked me what I was doing, I told him that I was writing an email and then going to bed. He said good night.
After spending the day thinking about it, this is what I decided to tell Jason:
I�ll keep this one short this time. I�m sorry to have written so much last time. I�m sure that was very overwhelming for you.
Whatever momentum my heart had, it has finally come to its stop. My heart has finally and sensibly decided to let go. Missing you has become something like an echo now. It�s like it was there, but its fading away now, kind of like waves.
I honestly don�t know what it�ll be like from this point on. Things certainly have changed for me. I guess you haven�t gone through anything since you don�t seem to have been phased by what had happened� that seems to far away now. Being your friend will take some time. It�s not going to happen today. It�s not going to happen tomorrow. But it will happen. I can�t imagine my life without you in it since you�ve made an ever lasting imprint.
I don�t think going back to what we had is an option anymore. Now that I�m no longer blinded, I�ve had a more realistic glimpse of who you are. I�ve been able to look back and realize things I�ve never seen before. I�m starting to think that you�re not ready for a serious relationship. You really do have some things to sort out. One of the more serious issues I see is that you tend to push away the people that care about you the most. Obviously that happened to me, but I also seen that with your relationship with you sister. How your sister treats you is reflective of how you treat her. When you treat people a certain way for a long time, you leave them no other choice but to treat you in such a way that they treat you in a way that irritates you the most. I guess that�s why you snap at people so much.
I still love you Jason. Regardless of what you put me through and how you feel about yourself, I want you to know that. I may not be around for the next while, but I�ll always be thinking about you. I hope you take the time to learn how to open your heart and let others in.
Hasta la vista!
I wanted to leave on a positive note. After talking about it with Joe, I really don't want to be friends with Jason. I think this feeling will only grow stronger over the next little while as I get over him. I think Jason will continue to grow into this jerk that screwed with my love life. I didn't want to hurt him in return. I figured it would be fair to say that a friendship is possible. But after a long while, he'll figure out that it just isn't going to happen. I really hope he spends time thinking about what he did. I'm guessing he isn't going to do any thinking. I'm honestly starting to think he's self-absorbed and can't see beyond himself and his own needs.
I'm moving on with my life. I'm moving on without Jason.
(07/08/07) I had such a wonderful relaxing day yesterday. I spent it with Ericka. I didn't want to stick around the apartment with David. I don't know why, I just wanted to be "alone" if that makes any sense. I guess I just wanted to be around someone familiar than someone strange. In hindsight, I probably should have stayed and gotten to know him better. Oh well. I had a fun day with Ericka anyway.
While I was out for my run I made a mental list of people that I would want to hang out with; this were: Rob, Ericka, Brad, and Nicole. I called Rob but he wasn't there. So I moved on and Ericka answered and was available.
I haven't seen her in what feels like 2 weeks. A lot has happened since I've last seen here. The first thing I needed to catch her up on was Jason. I gave her the short version since I didn't want to talk about it too much. She sounded positive and told me to move on and put it behind me. I've had way too much trouble with Jason. The conversation was short and sweet and she tried to discourage me from feeling bad or sorry for Jason. I guess that was better than her encouraging me to prolong getting over him.
We walked downtown towards the market. Ericka told me that she got a job! She had applied and interviewed for one before she left to the Dominican. So I was happy to hear that. I was starting to worry for her since she just recently moved out on her own and had her own place and then lost her job. I'm glad things are working out for her. The job doesn't sound as great as her old one, but its always better to be working and making money. I told her to stick it out and get some experience; it'll make looking for a new job easier.
She filled me in on her lust-capades while she was in the Dominican; she was there for her sister's wedding. I kept teasing her about this 17 year old girl that was seducing her. Unfortunately for Ericka she didn't hook up with anyone, but she did say that there were so many HOT chicas there.
We ended up in the market and I took her to Ahora's, this little mexican restaurant that's become a favorite of mine in the past year. The food is always excellent and the prices great! Ericka loved the place. I got to hear Ericka spanish to the waitress. It's always cool hearing people speak another language. After lunch we went to Major Hill's park and sat in the shade. Ericka was still feeling tired from her week long vacation. We must of lied around for an hour before we started to move again. I suggested that we should get some gellato.
We went to Elgin Street to the gellato shop. I decided to get something heavy and got chocolate and chocolate chip mint. I got my gellato in a cup (this is important to mention). Ericka got mango and she got hers on a cone! Well, we were leaving the shop and I see her licking this big ball of gellato atop a tiny cone. She tells me, "this is probably gonna fall off" but she kept on licking it. Well, we made it down like 2 blocks and I hear this little 'smack' noise and then I hear her groan out "ah shit." I turn and look at her and she's holding an empty cone. On the sidewalk was her mango ball of gellato! It looked like it was making a fast getaway travelling like a snail towards the street. I felt bad for her! I did. But I also couldn't stop laughing! LOL
We eventually made it back to her place and we sat outside and talked for like an hour. I can't remember anything we were talking about, just chatting. That's always good. Then she suggested we go in and watch a movie. We watched her favorite movie: Dangerous Beauty. I actually got that for her birthday over a year ago. I didn't attend her recent birthday. The movie was good. After that, she walked me to the bus stop and I told her this story about Mike. Remember him? You probably don't. You can click here to refresh your memory. Anyway, in short, Mike aka Teddy was a guy that I met and fell in "love" with. It was a unique experience for me. Anyway, I was telling Ericka about the time that I took this long walk and ended up where we were sitting. Who knew that I would be back in that area again! Funny how the world works eh?
The bus came and I didn't get to finish the entire story. It's a long one! I'm sure I'll get back to it one of these days. It was getting damp out which made me feel uncomfortable. I hate feeling wet like that. So I flipped on the air conditioner when I got home. I decided to give Joshua a call since I haven't heard from him in ages. I wasn't expecting him to ask me why I thought his best friend was a jerk. I told him, "that was the nicest word that I could think of". I didn't go into too much detail about what happened, but told Joshua that things between Jason and I were over. I still feel that it's not cool of me to depend on Joshua to listen to me because I'd be putting him in a difficult position.
Joshua was however, more supportive than I thought. He started talking about how he's getting over his ex. He told me this touching quote from The Holiday:
"Sometimes you convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door..." "and after all that or, however long "or that" may be; you'll go somewhere new and you'll meet people who'll make you feel worth while again..." "and little pieces of your soul will finally come back... and all that fuzzy stuff... those years of your life that you've wasted..." "that will eventually begin to fade."
I didn't really notice it the first time I watched the movie, but there it was - how I was feeling, how Joshua was feeling. Kate Winslet really caught the epitomy of moving on. It's funny how we find the smallest comfort in someone elses creativity. Anyway, I had the movie and Joshua didn't, and he didn't know the entire quote so I wrote it down and email it to him.
Well, that's about it. Tomorrow - I'm mailing Jason's clothes back to him. Call me a loser, but I smelt his shirt again. His sweet smell is still in it. I miss that closeness that I had with him. Being so close to his body and actually smelling him. Being able to rest my face against the back of his neck and inhaling him. Everytime I smell his shirt my heart slumps down. Literally. I can feel it sinking. How does a body part react like that. Anyway, I'll be happy to get rid of his clothing because its doing me no good having it here. I don't want to keep smelling it remembering those feelings.
(08/08/07) Call me a drama queen if you want, but I sent off Jason's stuff yesterday. It was harder than I though it would be. I smelt his shirt for one last time and then shoved it into the envelop. It just made things all the more real for me. It felt like I really was closing yet another chapter in my life. At that moment I knew that, that part of my life is definitely in the past. I hate that feeling! :( It's over.
I emailed Joshua and mentioned it to him. I also asked him if it would be alright if I talked to him about Jason. I wanted to make sure that it would be a conflict of interest - so to speak - for him. He responded with disbelief that I would waste money mailing Jason's stuff to him. He said that he would have just thrown it out or donated it! I guess I could have done that. But Joshua says that I'm nice and its something that I would totally do. He also said that its alright if I wanted to talk about Jason with him. So that's cool. I'm not at all worried about confidentiality considering that at this stage in my "getting-over-Jason" phase, non of it is going to be all that positive. And its good that Jason gets a dose of reality! Especially from someone like Joshua! Joshua's a little more colder than I am.
Anyway, so I sent Joshua a long email filling him in on what had transpired since he introduced me to Jason. I'm curious as to what Joshua will say.
Ugh! I have to confess and admit to the fact that I watched The Simpson's Movie last night! I only went because Rob wanted to see it. At least I didn't have to pay full price for it. Since it was Tuesday, it was cheap night. I'm so glad that I didn't pay full price. It was the longest episode of the Simpson's that I had to watch. It wasn't that funny. I guess you can tell that I'm not a huge fan? LOL
I mentioned my little BBQ idea to Rob, I know he's going to be stressing this month with the move and all, but I wanted him to come. Joe too of course! He gave me some dates, but I already forgot. I wanted to host a BBQ for Ericka's sake. It'll be my first all-gay-BBQ! So I hope everyone that I invite shows up.
Well that's it for now!
EVENING
I'm absolutely outraged! I'm so angry I don't think I can type as fast as I can think! Jason finally sent back a response to the email that I sent to him earlier in the week. And it just made me utterly sick. I can't believe what he wrote! This is what he had to say for himself:
I'll just cut to the chase, I am a Christian and have always had problems getting involved with the same sex. I don't know why I get involved to begin with, I just do because it makes me feel really good at the present time and then it makes me feel bad inside afterwards. I'm always backing out and become very distant and someone just ends up getting hurt by my actions.
This whole gay life style is just wrong, if God wanted man to be together, then he would have done just that; create only man. I don't want you telling me that the bible has been changed alot over time or how religions have been invented by man to control society or gain power over another, that's just a bunch of bull-crap! I don't need to hear your perspective on what you may have learnt in University of what religion is about.
This is what I've been taught my whole entire life and I strongly believe it with all my heart. No I was not taught to hate gay people or disown them from the rest of society. I've been taught to love one another. God wants us to mutiply; this is where man and women fall into place; it's impossible to do that through the same sex. Yes! I can honestly love you but as far as sharing the same bed with you; that's where the boundary ends!
This is the path I want to follow and it's a path where I will never feel guilty, shame, sorrow or hurt. I want be able to share, to love, to be compassion with a person I am with and not feel quilty inside afterwards. Yeah, I'm gay, I don't know if I'll ever desire to be with a women and share my love with her but who knows, maybe I will. I'm just going to trust my Lord and Savior with my life and let him lead me to which ever direction he wants me to go. Yeah I've been also told I am denying myself but the only person who I am truely denying is Jesus Christ, he is our Savior and he WILL return and lead us into salvation someday whether you think it sounds ridiculous or not.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this email sounds like I'm preaching to you, I just want you to understand ME and that I'm not a dark person, I'm just a person who wants to live right for God, that's all.
I went from feeling hurt and feeling sorry for myself and even him to feeling total pity for him. I can't believe he would choose this kind of life for himself. It's such a lonely one. A dishonest one. What value is there in life if you can't love? My knowledge of God and Christianity is slight, but I do know that people are put on Earth to love one another. I'm not talking about "love they neighbour" kind of love. I'm talking about the kind of love that draws two people together to become one. And Jason's choosing not to do that. I can't believe he thinks that he can go and fall in love with a woman? I couldn't think of anything more dishonest than that! How far is he going to stretch his platonic "love" to a woman? How can he honestly uphold the scantity of marriage if he was born a gay man? How can he vow to love his wife entirely if he's thinking about men at the back of his mind. And what of his children? Not only will he lie to his wife, but his children. What conception of love will the see from their parents?
I can't believe his CULT religion tells him that ONLY man and woman are to be together and that the key to righteousness is in "multiplying". So I guess his Nazi regime... I mean religious regime destroys infertile people? And how about the mentally disabled? Are they snuffed out for not achieving their right of passage into righteousness? There are a lot of simple people who don't pass that level of maturity to understand that they are supposed to be with the opposite sex.
Jason belongs to a particular sect that completely opposes my egalitarian mentality. Religion is suppose to be liberating and allow the follower to live a life that suppose to encourage goodness and some sort of purity. But when that religion usurps the autonomy of the individual; that religion is no more than a cult. You're either in with the group or outside it. I know that sounds extreme, but it doesn't sound like Jason's religion allows him the liberty to be who he was born to be. Instead he's force to resent and loath what he is - a homosexual. Homosexuality is an all-encompassing trait that's at the root of ones core identity. I don't think you can simply act differently to deny that core identity. Simply changing your life style isn't going to do anything to change that. You just can't act straight and believe you're straight to be straight. Granted, doing this may certainly fool alot of people and even perhaps the homosexual mocking the heterosexual. But he's still the homosexual inside. Can a straight man ever convince himself to be gay? To love another man? Theories have to work both ways. You just can't have a unilateral sexual theory here. If it's possible for case #1 then its certainly possible for case #2. Whose good at logic and can back that up?
The other thing that bothers me about Jason's religion is the fact that everyone within the congregation has the ability speak tongues and convulse with the possession of God. Again, my knowledge in Christianity is limited, but I do know that these abilities are rare and God choses carefully who he bestows those gifts upon. I find it peculiar that more than half the congregation falls into seizures. Are they applying that theoretical framework that homosexuals can pretend to be heterosexual? That if they can pretend to speak in tongues and have seizures that this will bring them closer to God or at least make everyone else think that they are more religious than the other? I couldn't possibly think of anything more contrived than that! It truly boggles my mind to see that an entire religious population achieve a righteous goal that is completely feigned. Their relationships with God must be the closest examples of being completely disingenuous! Again, I know that sounds extreme. It's almost as though that these people are so competitive with each other that they are completely missing the point of religion.
In closing, I just want to say that I'm not bashing all religions. Just those that greatly oppose my egalitarian beliefs. I would also like to point out that I'm only including Christian denominations and excluding other worldly religions like Muslim religions. I'm not entirely sure why I have chosen to exclude other religious sects; perhaps I don't know enough. I'm not a theologist; so therefore I cannot comment beyond what I've been exposed to here in Canada - which is primarily Christian denominations.
I do have a sense of spirituality with a deity to whom I refer to as God. The bible is a guide; an aid to help you through life. A bible is not God himself and its certainly not a definite road map from point A to B that must be followed precisely. The bible is after all, a book written by men for men, and has always been in control of men (namely the greatest monarchs and other noble social hierarchies). We have to keep in mind that before the printing press was invented there can be no single accurate copy of the bible that existed through time. It follows then, that the bible has been written and rewritten since time immemorial; and continues to be rewritten to today.
Needless to say; Jason is officially out of my life. Friendship is definitely not a possibility as dishonesty and hypocrisy are not valuable traits that I look for in a friend.
(10/08/07) Jenny is in Ottawa for a couple of days. It was an unexpected trip. She emailed everyone the day before she left Montreal. Jenny is a friend that I made a couple of years ago. We actually worked at the same restaurant for a while. She was the only friend that I made from work - most likely because she went to University. The other people in the restaurant were lifers - so there wasn't much in common with them.
Anyway, Jenny and I hit it right off and became friends. She's a crazy little girl and a hoot (lol) to hang out with. She went to Carleton University where she studied music. She wants to become a singer. We both love Janet Jackson and we both like Friends. So we had a lot in common and lots to do together. Her friends were great too. Jenny invited me out to lots of parties to meet her friends. It was like escaping to another world!
Well, after she finished school she moved off to Montreal. But we still stayed in touch. She actually comes back to Ottawa and sometime she stays with me, or she stays with Katherine. Katherine's one hot chickie! Absolutely beautiful and she's a messo saprano too. She can sing opera! I went to a recital of hers. Anyway, she's a cool chick.
So that's who Jenny is staying with this time round. Anyway, I suggested to Jenny that we should get together and watch Hairspray! I loved it so much the first time round that I wanted to see it again! Jenny called me and said she would love to go see it and that Katherine was going to join us. I thought Sweet!.
They picked me up at my place and we went all the way out to the Coliseum to watch it. It was the earliest showing. On the way over I had to fill in Jenny on the NEWEST things going on in my life. I gave her a brief summary of He Who Should Not Be Named. It's funny how supportive girls are to a broken heart - not that my heart was badly broken anymore. But it was great to hear that men are just assholes at time. Plus, the girls brushed my ego telling me that I'm a great guy - a great catch.
Watching the movie again was great! I was able to look at more stuff this time round. It was a lot of fun. The music in this movie is a lot fun. I was tapping my feet and everything. Singing along too!
After the movie, Jenny, Katherine and I went to grab something to eat. But before doing that, Katherine called up her boyfriend to see if he wanted to join us. I met her boyfriend sometime ago when he was infatuated with Jenny; but nothing came of that. Why Katherine is dating this guy is beyond me, but they seem to get along with each other. They've been dating now for at least 2 years. Anyway, we swing by and pick him up.
We're busy trying to figure out where we are going to eat because I'm the only vegetarian in the car. Someone mentioned sushi and I was like all over that idea! I know that sushi is vegetarian. Katherine's boyfriend was the only one who has never had sushi before. We ended up in the market and we made our way over to Kinki's. It's this trendy japanese restaurant. The atmosphere was awesome and the presentation of some of the dishes were extravagant! But the prices!? Not exactly worth it for the size of the rolls they made. So I was kind of disappointed in that.
The funny thing about the three of us hanging out is that we're so dirty minded! It's funny. Just about anything can be dirty. I was chatting with Jenny on the way to Kinki's and we were trying to figure out the days that I went to Montreal the previous year. We listed off a bunch of dates and then I said in amazement - just as a hush falls over the city - "Gee, I came a lot last year". Of course Katherine and her boyfriend both turn around and laugh! And Jenny is splitting open her sides laughing. It was funny and it seemed like I said it loud too! It was funny.
After sushi we went to 'Oh So Good' this delicious dessert restaurant. Jenny always makes a trip out to this place when she's in Ottawa. 'Oh So Good' makes the best desserts! Very decadent! Very rich! Very good! We just barely made it there before it closed though. We had like 15 minutes to eat our desserts - not that it didn't take us long anyway! By the time we started to head back to the car it was after 11pm. I was getting tired. Jenny was heading back to Montreal the following morning.
It was great seeing her again. It's also great seeing Katherine again. I don't see much of her. I usually see her when I see Jenny. I wouldn't mind getting to know Katherine a bit more; that way I don't have to wait til Jenny comes to Ottawa to see her. From the sounds of it, Katherine is quite the busy body anyway. Well, that's it for now!
(12/08/07) I had a lot of fun yesterday. More than I had anticipated. I had made plans with Brad earlier in the week to hang out on Saturday. I told him that I wanted to hang out with him for more than a lunch hour - which really isn't a full hour. He suggested that we hang out on Saturday. We didn't have anything specifically planned; but he did say that he wanted to look at a few places because he's moving later this fall. I told him that it didn't matter what we did, just as long as we hung out and chatted.
Saturday morning, I woke up feeling lazy. I didn't do much other than attempt to wash my dishes. I didn't go for a run either. I just didn't feel like doing anything. The time did, however, fly by me. Brad called me around 11am asking me if I wanted to grab some breakfast before heading out on our apartment hunting mission. I told him that, that would be a great idea since I didn't eat anything yet. We decided to meet up at Eggspectations. He didn't want to go to Cora's. I guess it was too far from him to go?
I was of course late getting downtown. I think I was almost 10 minutes late. Brad was already inside. Talking with Brad always seems a bit difficult. But I guess we're still in that phase of getting to know each other. It just felt odd not having anything to talk about, considering that the last couple of times I was with him I talked about He Who Should Not Be Named. I of course, mentioned He Who Should Not Be Named considering its been awhile since I've last chatted with Brad. I told him things were over between He Who Should Not Be Named and I. I didn't spend much time on the subject.
What we did talk about though, however, was Brad's philosophy or mentality on dating. He wants to be single! Can you believe that? He's totally cool with being single. I had to ask him how he ever managed to achieve that frame of mine. He explained that most of his friends are involved in ruined relationships, and those that are in a reltionship, it ends up being open. I had to sit and think of what he had said and it sounded like all of his friends were really bad at dating or something. I quickly intervene and try to dispell his jadedness (if you can call it that) and told him that I think its just the people he's around. I told him that most of my gay friends were already coupled and in happy relationships. Granted, that's not that many. But they were, at least they looked happy. With the exception of Ericka and myself. lol
Brad just wasn't interested in climbing into a social group where the morals or dating was so low. That I can kind of understand, gay men seem to only want one thing -sex. And if it isn't sex, then its something very shallow; like how the guy looks. Relationships are built on cute! I can totally understand where Brad comes from on this train of thought. What I don't agree with is that he assumes that all gay men are like this. I mean, what about me!? lol I'm a great catch! And I'm sitting right in front of him.
Anyway, this news from Brad is good to get because it saves me the effort of trying to flirt with him. It allows me to completely focus on our friendship. Who knows, perhaps some time down the road he'll realize that there's no other guy for him! LOL
After breakfast we walked to a Second Cup for some coffee. I really need a soy mocha! We sat down and read the newspaper. He looked at classifieds while I purused through the financial section. I think I wowed Brad with my knowledge in sociology and political science as I was commenting on articles in the financial section. At least, I hope the look in his eyes were amazement. I don't think I came off as a know it all. But who knows.
We did spend too much time looking around at places. Actually, we only saw three places that day. The first one was way too small. Just a closet of a place and really expensive. At the same place, we saw a two bedroom and that was sort of big, but still wasn't worth what was being asked for. The second place was great. Even I liked it! It was a huge apartment. The building was relatively in good shape. The only problem with this apartment was the size of the kitchen. It was very small. But the rest of the apartment was spacious. Brad decided to fill out an application for this place. The last place was in an apartment building closer towards the Ottawa river. I did not like this place at all. The view sucked, it was facing another tall building. I could tell that Brad wasn't impressed either. He didn't fill out an application.
By the time we finished with this place, it was close to 4pm. I had plans to meet up with Jen at 8pm and I was starting to think how nice it would be to go home relax and take a shower before meeting up with her. That's when Brad tells me that he's been invited to a BBQ and asked me if I wanted to tag along. I told him that I could, but wouldn't be able to stay long. He suggested going back to his place for a bit, then take a bus out to the east end where the BBQ was.
We were almost there when someone called Brad's name from behind us. It was someone Brad knew. He was also going to the BBQ and he was on his way to meet up with a friend who was going to drive him. The two of them talked and before I knew it, Brad and I were getting a ride with them all. I was a little nervous about the idea. I certainly didn't want to any trouble. Also, I was still in the process of debating whether or not I would go. I figured I'd sit around with Brad for a half hour before I tell him that I was just going to go home. But, here I was, packed into a little car that was caring 6 passengers when it ought to have been carrying 5.
We made a quick pit stop at a liqour store before heading out to the place. I picked up some Strongbow cider. I didn't expect to drink more than two. I wanted to get cans since you can buy those seperately, but they only had it in four-packs in bottles. So that kind of sucked.
We finally get to the place and the backyard is one giant fountain! It was beautiful. I really liked it. It was like a little retreat or something. There was a little bridge in the middle of the pond. The pond even had gold fish in it! There was lots of fountains and miniature water falls. I asked the owner how long it took them to install it; he said about 3 years. As with any BBQ, it took forever before the food was served. I was also watching the time because I didn't want to be late for meeting Jen. It always seems that I'm keeping that poor girl in waiting.
Most of the guys at the BBQ were uninteresting. They weren't my type of guys. There was however, one guy that caught my eye. He was a little Indian guy who looked like Joe Pesci! LOL I didn't think it until he mentioned it. Actually, by the time he mentioned it, we were all eating. Brad and I were sitting off to the side eating and the others at a nearby table. Anyway, I over heard it and looked up at the guy and kind of laughed. I said to myself "He does look like Joe Pesci". Someone from the table over heard me and said "apparently he thinks so too" I flashed my adorable smile.
There was a lot of food! And good food too! The partner of the owner is a chef and he made incredible food! He even made these awesome quesidilla's that I absolutely loved! I stuffed myself right up. I couldn't eat another bit. I even left there without having dessert! I know! Me, not eating dessert.
I tried being as socialable as I could, I tried to chat with the Joe Pesci look alike because I thought he was the cutest. He did have small hands though, and I think he recently had an accident with one of them because there looked like scaring on the back of his hand. He eventually came over and sat next to me. I had to ask him what his name was because I didn't want to leave having to refer to him as Joe Pesci. He told me his name, but wouldn't you know it? I already forgot it. It wasn't a common name, it was an Indian name. I wonder if he'll contact Brad and ask about me. I'd be interested in getting to know him better.
It was getting closer to 7pm and I needed to figure out a way to get out of there. I was all the way on the east side and wasn't sure where I was. Only one bus went out to the particular subburb that we were in. I didn't want to impose anyone with the duty of driving me to the closest transitway stop. So I decided to just call a cab. While I was waiting for it, I stood next to Brad and listened in on his conversation. After about 15 minutes, Brad decided that he would jump in the cab with me and leave too. He had to meet up with a friend of his.
The cab came, we caught a bus, and we ended up downtown. I told Brad that I had an excellent time and that I enjoyed the impromtu BBQ that I went to. I said my good-bye's and let him continue on his way. I started to panic because I felt really gross after being in the sun all day, sweating, and being in the midst of BBQ smoke. I knew that I couldn't possibly smell that great. So I did some quick thinking and headed towards a Shopper's Drug Mart. I figured that I would pick some stuff up and try to freshen myself up. I found some wet-towels and a travel sized deodorant. The only place that I could think of cleaning up was at the Second Cup where I was supposed to meet Jen at.
It felt really weird cleaning myself with those little wet-towels. They had aloe-vera in it; and the directions on the package said it was for cleaning. So I took off my shirt and open the package and basically gave myself a little bath. I used like 4 towels. After that, I let myself air-dry as the package said to do, then I applied the underarm deodorant. It wasn't the greatest and I doubted how I smelt, but there wasn't anything else I could do.
Jen pretty much showed up on time. We planned to watch Casablanca in the park. She heard of these movies playing in the park. I've never seen Casablanca before so I thought it would be an interesting experience. She brought along everything we needed, popcorn, blanket, napkins. It was really cute. We get to the park and it wasn't full yet. We picked a spot right out in front. Jen told me that a friend of hers might show up and join us.
WOW! A friend indeed! He was HOT! I'm guessing he was around 5'10", dyed blonde hair and nice body! I could totally tell that he worked out. He had a nice upper body. He kneeled down in front of me when he approached us. I noticed his tanned skin and tight thighs in front of me. I think my gander lingered too long - but I had to check out his round ass! He even had nice feet too!
Jen offered to be the masculine buffer and sat between us. She introduced me to him but she did it so quickly that I totally missed his name. I think it was Scott, but I can't be totally sure. During the movie he laid on his back and his shirt slipped up and exposed his abdomin. He had a little sexy trail of hair that disappeared under the short he was wearing. I know he couldn't see me looking, because of Jen being in the way, but he pulled his shirt down.
The movie was great! And I finally got to see where pop culture adopted certain phrases; like: "Here's looking at you kid" although, I think this was Humprey's Bogart's catch phrase. Kind of like Arnold Schwarzenegger's "I'll be back." The other pop culture thing I noticed was the infamous "play it again Sam." I've always wondered where that came from and now I know. The movie was during WWII and people trying to leave unoccupied Africa. And there was this love triangle. All in all, it was entertaining.
After the movie, the hottie and I walked Jen back towards her place. I stopped at the bus stop to catch my bus, the hottie continued on with her.
I thought that when I got home that David and his guests would be gone. David had mentioned to me on Friday that he was going to have some friends over before they all headed out to the bar. But when I got home, he was sitting there with another guy. This other guy was a total flamer! You couldn't get more girlie than this guy. I find it hard to believe that this is the kind of guy that David would be into. Oh well, I guess David managed to figure out that I'm gay as well. He probably figured that out when Tony spent the weekend with me.
Anyway, I was slightly disappointed that I wasn't alone. But that changed quickly since David and his "girlfriend" left shortly after I got in. It was incredibly damp so I turned on my air conditioner and got myself ready for bed. Surprisingly enough, I didn't get to bed until after 2am. I guess I just couldn't sleep.
I woke up feeling tired and drained. I got up pretty early too. I woke up just before 8am and couldn't get back to sleep. That really sucked. I knew that I was going to be tired all day. I figured that I would take it easy and try to take a nap later in the day. The humidity has started to lift so that's really good. It's suppose to be a lot cooler this week. I'm so happy about that, I'm so sick and tired of the humidity.
Well that's about it for now. Talk to you later!
(13/08/07) Not much happening today. I hung out with Mags last night. It was a spontaneous thing. I sent her a message earlier in the day to see if she wanted to do anything. She said she would be up for it. Mags is a girl that I volunteer with at the University. We also come from the same area in southern Ontario too. We travelled together back to Ottawa last year after the holidays. I knew of her before the holidays, but we really got acquainted travelling together. Anyway, ever since then Mags and I have been pretty good buds.
So anyway, we decide to head to some air conditioned place which was St. Laurent Shopping centre. I suggested grabbing something to eat before hand. I was of course late! I hate being late! I made her wait the last time. I'm so bad with that. We decided to stay in the mall and eat at East Side Mario's. Her boyfriend would join us later since he worked in the mall. He's an alright guy. When I first met him, I thought he was totally gay. Oh! Funny story, when Mags and I were travelling back to Ottawa, I asked her if this guy was gay! She had a good laugh and then preceeded to tell me that she was actually dating him! Boy, talk about putting your foot in your mouth eh?
Mags and I had a good chat, just catching each other up on events. She wanted to know how I was doing since the break up with you know who; I told her things were on the mend. She doesn't know that I was in a relationship with a guy. In fact, she doesn't know that I'm gay. But its not a huge deal. She thinks I was in a relationship with a girl. Someday I'll tell her that I am. She's a cool girl. I'm just worried that if her boyfriend finds out, he may try to hit on me and then break up with Mags! LOL That's so mean of me to say that. But if you saw him, you'd think he's gay too!
We watched Sicko. It was an interesting movie. Typical Michael Moore though. Completely one-sided and heavily leaning towards his point. I think he was over glorifying the health systems in other countries though (i.e. Canada, UK, and France). Granted these systems are much better in comparison to the US; I think he was highlighting these systems unrealistically. But hey, no health system is perfect. But it did make me realize how bad things are in the States. Do I feel bad for them? Not so much. The US government really goes out of its way to keep its citizens ignorant. Even with the world wide web, their citizens aren't looking into what other countries are doing so they can create some response to what their government is doing. blah, blah, blah.
So that was pretty much my evening last night. David is starting to get on my nerves a little. We were both in the apartment yesterday. And he used the internet which doesn't usually bother me, but when I'm there, he's using my connection and that prevented me from using my computer. So that's gotta stop. I'll have to have a word with him when I get home this evening. Okay, I'm done with this!
(17/08/07)"You're not bad looking" he said as he rested his hand on my knee followed by a small nervous laugh... LOL Here we go again!!!
Isn't this the same way it all started with "He who should not be named"? Am I crazy? You're probably thinking, "Didn't he learn anything at all?" LOL Of course I did. I did everything I could to scare this one away. I even told him that my last "relationship" went straight down the pooper because of all this 'not-knowing-what's-going-on' business. But he didn't seem to be bothered by that because this guy told me straight out that he's definitely looking for a boyfriend.
Now, I know what you're thinking - I've got a green light to go crazy and start dating this guy. But I wasn't born yesterday! I haven't forgotten what "He who should not be named" did to me. And what I had done to get myself into that mess. I did learn something. I'm not about to dive off the high-board into this. Patience is a virtue; and I intend to strictly follow that as much as I can. I'm certainly not going to do anything intimate with him after this guy has courted me long enough. That goes for just about anything from hand-holding to kissing to... well, you know what. Bed sharing is a looooooong way down the road. So, I will certainly be doing things different this time.
His name is Mario by the way. I was bored at work and started to chat on gay.com. No one was in the office so I figured who is it hurting? It wasn't too long before this guy sends me a private message. I quickly peruse his profile and make a mental note that this guy is 5'6" and 150 pounds - I make a mental picture of a very small guy. (I'm not into small guys so I mentall throw this guy into the 'outbox' in my mind) But we had a good chat even though we had a slight communication barrier. He's French and his English is not that great. But he really tried to communicate with him. I thought that, that was endearing, so I of course increased the patience and let him chat with me.
He had a completely romantic tone in his writing and in the messages he was sending. That prompted me to ask what he was looking for. He said that he was looking for a boyfriend, but a friend would be cool too. He kept fishing around for what I was looking for; it started to annoy me because I knew that his physical size wasn't doing anything for me. So I kind of rapidly fired off this lengthy response of the kind of guy that I was looking for, which also included the physical dimensions. He thought what I was looking for as admirable and that he was looking for something similiar. He also started to compliment me quite early in our acquaintanceship which I found a little incautiously charming.
We chatted for quite some time that afternoon. He even mentioned that he has never chatted with a guy for so long before. By this point, I started to resurface the issue of his size letting him know that there was a definite size issue. I pictured him being half my size, a short, tiny toothpick. I gave him my dimensions in return and he didn't seem to be bothered by it. I continued to highlight the size issue by playfully teasing him of his smallness. But he didn't get offended and he didn't stop chatting with me. All he did was move forward with me. He gave me his cell phone number and wanted me to call him later that evening!
I didn't know what to think so I went along with it. I was of course busy that evening, having been with Julie so I told him that if I didn't get in too late that I would give him a phone call. He seemed fine with that. I wasn't going to call him at first because I had gotten in fairly late. I just wanted to get to bed. But I decided to call him. Mario was quite surprised that I called him. He even told me that he wasn't expecting me to call. So I took that as a cue to 'up-sell' myself and told him that I'm a unique guy, a man of his word.
We chatted for about 15 minutes. He had a strong French accent. I could tell he was slightly nervous. I was being a bit of a dick by purposely staying quiet. I figured he could do all the work since he pressured me into calling; at least, that's what I told myself. But he did a good job. He said I had a nice voice. Most guy say that I have a nice voice. Actually, almost everyone that I talk to over the phone say I have a nice deep and sexy voice. Both girls and guys alike. I take that as a compliment. Mario was quite the gentleman on the phone and very well mannered. I was impressed. I kept finding myself being impressed by this guy. He was either really trying to come off as a nice guy, or he just truly was that thoughtful and courteous. The conversation was short and I hung up with him, but not after he made sure that we'd be chatting the following day.
I met him back on gay.com the following day and we exchanged emails. OH! I forgot to mention one bad thing. And it was starting to bother me from this point. I fake-named him when I first met him. I didn't think I'd be this involved in getting to know him. So it was difficult hearing him calling my by my alias. So anyway, we exchanged emails and I started this questions game and I asked him about 5 or 6 random questions and he returned 5 or 6 of his own questions. He did an alright job at answering them considering his English writing skills were quite minimal. But I was getting to know him more. I took the opportunity to scare him off some more about what I was looking for and what my intentions were probably going to be. I also took the opportunity to see how religious he was and told him about the whole debacle with "He who should not be named". He said he wasn't looking for God.
By the end of the day he requested I call him again, but this time he gives me his home phone number. I told him that I had another busy night ahead of me, but that I would call him if I wasn't too tired. Well, after my evening's exertions I was feeling tired. But I called him anyway. Little Mario was beginning to intrigue me.
The second phone conversation was a bit more relaxing than the first. I was still quiet do to the fact that I was quite tired. He shared with me this long story about his problems getting his living room set. I couldn't believe how patient he was with the store and how they were making him wait and wait and wait! He waited nearly 8 months for nothing! He eventually cancelled his order. He still got a crappy deal out of it, but I was surprised by his patience. I didn't know if he was just a 'doormat' or if he was truly the type of guy who gives people the benefit of the doubt. I told him that I thought that he was a very patient person. I know that I wouldn't have waited that long.
At the end of the phone conversation, I asked Mario what he was doing the following day and that I might have an opening to meet up with him. He said that he wasn't doing anything other than going home to relax and clean his place up. I suggested that we meet up. I figured its time that we finally get to see each other - and perhaps this will send him running to the hills. We told each other that we would continue to email each other the following day.
Our email conversation's tone had certainly changed. I was trying to figure out how he felt about me and what he felt about our meeting. He finally dropped his romantic tone and I certainly sensed a more sensible one and he gave me a grounded and sensible answer: that he was looking for a friend, realisitically, but if there's reason to take it to the next level, that he would. I was relieved with that. It took a little pressure off of me that this guy wasn't about to make the same mistake that I made with "He who should not be named". I also started to instill the possiblility that we might be too different to have anything in common. I pictured him being this total blue color type of guy that wears bagging jeans and wife-beaters and here I am, this preppy conservative dresser.
We kept asking each other if the other was nervous. I tried fishing out some information about clues or signs that I should watch out for that I might mistake for uninterest. He said that he would initially be shy, but that he should get over it quite quickly. I said that I tend to be less shy if I know the other guy is shier than I am.
So the stage was pratically set at this point. We both new that we were entering this with a realistic outlook, that we were going to meet up and look at each other and see if we clicked physically. Second, we were meeting each other under the pretense that we were both gaining a new friend. Thirdly, if both of those were more than successful, then we would both probably switching it up a couple of clicks to get ourselves ready for the next level. It all seemed to be very practical and well thought out. What could go wrong?
Mario offered to come pick me up at my place. I hesitate for a moment, then decided, he might as well. No sense in me going out of my way for this. So while he was on his way, I jumped in the shower to get ready. All the while telling myself that I'm about to make a new friend with a guy who seemed geniunely nice and caring. A friend that I'll be able to introduce to my new friends. A new friend that I can invite to my BBQ next weekend. A new friend period. I was going to try and dress down for the guy, but I figured, why bother? Just be me. So I wore my capris and a pink-ish causual button shirt. I looked gay. But that's who I was. And if that scared him off, then GREAT!
He was almost 10 minutes late, but pulled up in this sweet blue Honda Civic sports car. It was sleek. I was impressed. He wanted to go to a grocery store to pick up some vegetables. I wasn't too thrilled about the suggestion, but it'll give us something to do. When I first saw him, I felt really awkward. I kept thinking, what on Earth is he looking at? I wanted to know what he thought. Did he want me to get into his car with him? And when I got into the car, had he started his countdown until he could get rid of me? Subconsciously I started to get stand-offish and started to put up my barriers.
He was very chatty, which was good because I was nervous and shy. These moments are ALWAYS uncomfortable for me. Going to the grocery store was not fun. But I was very appreciative of how Mario kept the conversation moving. If he didn't, I think the whole 'meeting' would have tanked right then and there.
Since I didn't eat anything, I was feeling hungry and suggested to him if he wanted to grab something to eat. He was more than willing to do that. So I suggested that we go to Mexicali Rosa's! We made our way to the restaurant and on the way, I made Mario give me a French lesson. I led him to believe that I didn't know any French. I asked him to teach me some common verbs that are most commonly used. The first one he tried to teach me was �tre. He started by conjugating in the singular form 'je' but then that's it. I tried to prompt some sort of structure out of the lesson, but he wasn't really catching on. I asked him to translate '�tre' but he couldn't exactly. So then I made him conjugate the verb in all its forms and tried to prompt a definition out of him. He still couldn't. So I offered, "does it mean 'are'?" and he said possibly. Then we started on 'avoir' next. He was really struggling to get it all out. I know he knows it but teaching it is going to be a challenge for him. I thought it was cute that he was trying. I already know these verbs along with 30 other commonly used verbs and how to conjugate them in 6 tenses. But I didn't him that.
Dinner was great. He really enjoyed it. Mexi's changed their menu up a bit. And they changed how they served their food too. I was a little disappointed that they stopped serving corn chips and salsa before the meal. I was also disappointed that they stopped serving salad with the meals. Anything to save a buck I suppose. I thought it was cute that Mario ordered the exact same thing that I did. Which meant, he ate a vegetarian meal. I don't know why he did, I didn't bother to ask him.
Our dinner conversation consisted of my continued French lesson. We did talk about a few other things, but not anything major. I asked him what kind of music he listened too, he listens to Kenny G! hehehe He even takes baths and lights candles listening to Kenny G. I told him that I'm eclectic and that I listened to lots of things. He looked a little lost when I used 'eclectic' but I didn't bother defining it for him. I told him that I'm currently into Musical soundtracks. I told him about Hairspray. Perhaps I'll make a copy of the soundtrack and expose him to it. I also took the opportunity to tell him about my real name. I think I might have made things worse by covering up the little lie I told him with another, but I'll deal with that when the time comes. At least he knows my real name and he's already started to use it.
When the bill came, I checked out the bill and threw down $15 for my half. He gave me my money back and offered to pay. I wasn't too sure about this move. I asked him if he was sure, and he said yes. I thought that was really generous of him; but I'm thinking this isn't probably not too far from how he normally acts. I took my money back and let him pay. He actually paid by credit card and I watched him trying to add up the tip; I don't think he excelled in mathematics. He really looked like a kid adding something up; just like the kids that I tutored when I was in highschool. It was strange. I realized then that we're obviously not at the same academic level. I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. We're just budding new friends at this point and that's not important right?
We got back into his car and it was already 10pm. I was starting to get tired. He drove me back to myself. We sat in his car for about 10 minutes making idle chit-chat. He said that he enjoyed himself. I thanked him for dinner and spending time with me. He then stuttered about what he was doing in the next couple of days. I've never heard him have trouble speaking before, but it was as though he was just babbling as he mentally debated something completely different. About 10 seconds after I thought that he looked at me and smiled and said...
"You're not bad looking" he said as he rested his hand on my knee followed by a small nervous laugh. I returned his nervous laugh with my own. I meekly said 'thanks'. Getting those kinds of compliments always catch me off guard. But it seems to be an increasing phenomenon as of late. Have I finally blossomed into a handsome man? I guess its better to be humble than to be conceded and getting offended that he only said 'not bad looking' rather than 'sexy'. LOL He removed his hand and then proceeded to go out on a limb and asked me what I was doing sunday. I told him that I wasn't doing anything. So he asked me if I wanted to do something with him. I suggested that we could go hiking if its a nice day. He liked that idea, but he also wanted to take me back to his place so I could see it. A brief thought flickered through my mind 'is he coming on to me?'
I told him that would be cool. He then said that he still had my number and that he would call me on Sunday. After he said that, he asked me quickly if that would be alright. I smiled and told him that it would be okay. So, he stumbled over some more of his words and I finally said good night. I left the car feeling a little paranoid thinking that he was checking me out as I walked past the front of his car.
When I got into my apartment I exhaled in great relief that it was all over. Then I felt a little giddy that he "likes" me, whatever that means at this point. He wants to hang out with me again. But I'm keeping myself grounded on this one. A friend can compliment another friend on how they look right? But would they do it while grabbing their knee? Who knows? My 'befriending' social skills might be a little outdated. I'm going to continue that he wants to be my friend. I'll just play naive to these little physical things he's doing - maybe that's just how he is. Kind of like those touchy-feely kind of guys.
Well, that's about it for Mario! Until Sunday!
(19/08/07) Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! I can't move! My butt's sore! It's like I got gang-banged by all of Ottawa! LOL My legs need to be amputated! Ouch! You're probably wondering what the heck happened to me eh? Well, let me tell ya, I wasn't in this much pain on Friday night. Actually, I wasn't in any pain Friday night. I was experiencing the exact opposite actually. ;)
I didn't have anyone to hang out with during lunch on Friday so I took a walk around 12:30pm. I was just going to walk down towards the little bakery and see what interested me there. On my way, I noticed Brad walking across the street. I tried to cross the street, but of course there's like a hundred cars going by and I couldn't. I finally cross the street and get Brad's attention. I tell him that I'm just out for a walk and I walk him back to his office. Along the way, I ask him what he has planned for the weekend and he tells me that he's going to bike out to Wakefield on Saturday. I've never been to Wakefield and thought it was a great idea. Brad asks me if I have a bike, which I don't, but I still thought it would be a cool adventure to go on. It sounded like something that I totally needed to do! I told him that Ericka had a spare bike that I could probably borrow, if not, then I could always just rent one. In anycase, I just wanted to go nonetheless. I told him that I would call him later that evening.
Mario and I chatted back and forth through emails for the rest of the afternoon. We kept asking each other how we felt about each other after Thursday night's "date". You know what he said? He said that he wanted to kiss me in the car! Can you believe that? I thought that was a very sweet thing to say. Now I know why he was so nervous. I'm happy that he just went with the casual knee squeeze rather than just jumping right into the kissing.
We eventually met up online to chat since neither one of us was doing anything. The chat quickly turned into a heated dirty one! He actually confessed that I made him hard. We were talking all kinds of dirty on the chat room. I asked him what he was wearing and he tells me that he wears a uniform: black pants and a red shirt. I told him that I used to have a uniform thing and tell him that I'd be interested in seeing him in his. He said that someday soon I would be.
It felt weird hearing that I'm capable of arousing another guy like that. Without me even being there. Mario must really like me. I just think its a little weird. He seems a little bit too cute to be really interested in a guy like me. Again, I felt the same way as I did previously when He Who Must Not Be Named gave me that "sexy" compliment. Can I really be that good looking? Am I really that appealing to guys? What took these guys so long to see me? LOL
We both asked each other what we were doing later that evening. He told me that he had some grocery shopping that needed to be done. I told him that Julie had invited me out to go to a karaoke bar with her and her friends. After talking to Mario in such a heated way, I was willing to cancel my plans with Julie and just hang out with him. By the end of the chat, I finally asked him just how busy he was going to be that evening. He said he wasn't going to be busy at all. I let that stew with me while I figured out what I was going to do.
When I got home I called up Ericka to see what she was up to and if I could borrow her bike. She was busy cooking up a storm because she invited people over. She invited me over, but told her that I had some plans later that evening. I didn't even get a chance to ask her if I could borrow her bike. After I got off the phone with her I called up Brad and told him that I wasn't able to get a hold of Ericka. I told him that I didn't have a problem with renting a bike. He asked me at what time do I normally wake up on Saturday's. I told him that I usually wake up around 8:30-9am without an alarm. He said he would call me around 9am.
I missed Mario's phone call later that evening. I returned it. I decided not to go out with Julie. I phoned him back and asked him what he was doing. He wasn't doing anything. I asked him when he was expecting his friends to arrive on Saturday. He said that they weren't going to arrive until around noon. I responded back, "So you don't have to be up to early the next morning then." He said nope. So I went out on a limb and asked him if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. He said yes immediately! LOL
David wasn't home yet, but I didn't mind if he did come back. It's not like I have to feel uncomfortable around him. But I guess I was wondering how Mario might feel about it. I haven't told Mario that David is a big MO! LOL
I quickly ran around cleaning my room and freshened myself up. Mario showed up about 30 minutes after we got off the phone. He was wearing these butch camouflage cargo pants with a brown t-shirt. He looked really cute. I still can't get over how small he is. I gave him a tour of the place, which didn't take too long. Then I showed him my movie collection and told him to pick out a movie that we could watch. He eventually picked out Ruthless People, an old favourite of mine. I microwaved up some popcorn and popped in the movie.
Half way through the movie I started to get really tired. It was a little hard to keep my eyes open. My breathing started to get heavier and heavier. Mario thought I had fallen asleep on him. After the movie was over, it was closer to midnight. David had finally come in, but I don't think Mario heard him. After the movie was over, I put on Friends because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what else Mario wanted to do. He looked just as tired as I did. I didn't know if he wanted to spend the night, and I didn't know if I should ask him if he wanted to spend the night.
Half way through an episode of Friends I noticed that Mario had closed his eyes. I asked him if he was still awake, he said he was. After the episode was over he asked me if I wanted to watch another movie! I told him that I was too tired. All we did was lay there with out eyes closed. About 20 minutes later, I decided to turn off the TV. I made myself comfortable and went to sleep.
I woke up half way through the night when Mario put his arm over my chest. It felt wierd. It made me think about He Who Must Not Be Named and how it didn't feel the same. It wasn't as exciting as when He did it. I guess I don't feel the same way that I do towards Mario as I did towards He Who Must Not Be Named.
I woke up pretty early. Pretty much when the sun came up. I think I napped off and on that morning. Mario became more lively himself. He started to nuzzle up closer against me. Sometime during the night, I had slipped under the duvet - when we both were up Mario decided to slip under the duvet also. He wrapped his arms around me and cuddled up close. It felt good that someone wanted to cuddle up with me, but I just didn't feel exactly like cuddling back. So I didn't do much in terms of cuddling back.
I was a little excited about the mysteries of Mario though. We did have a pretty racey chat the day before and he was getting bolder and bolder by the minute. It didn't take long before he was down under the blankets massaging me with his tongue. It felt great. I still wasn't feeling connected to him. Not like I did with He Who Must Not Be Named. We didn't go that much further than that. He eventually laid on top of me and started to kiss my neck. I didn't kiss him in return though. I just wasn't there yet. I was still processing all of this. Was it too soon?
I was amazed at how small Mario is. He fit perfectly on top of my chest. He straddled my crotch and laid down with his head kind of resting on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him and he let out a moan - I'm guessing he enjoyed it. I could feel every inche of him. He was entirely and completley in arms reach. I was able to feel all of him. If I had one of those front carrying baby thingies, I'm sure he could fit in it! LOL Okay, okay, he's not that small. Perhaps I'm a little bothered by his size? Who knows. I started to relax a bit and enjoyed the cuddling.
Brad called at exactly 9am. I missed his call, I wanted to answer it. I needed an excuse to get us out of bed and moving. I didn't want Mario to make me late with my plans with Brad. But, since I missed the call, we ended up cuddling for another 20 or so minutes before Mario decided he should go. He got himself dressed and I walked him to the door. We hugged each other which again felt awkward cause I had to bend over! He got up on his tippy-toes and he kissed my cheek. I returned the kiss but got him on his temple. As he left I smiled and told him that I'd see him on Sunday - that is assuming that we're still going to see each other on Sunday.
I called Brad the second that Mario drove away. After our brief conversation I started to wonder why Brad even bothered to call me so early. He said he had to take his bike in to get repaired; but wasn't going to do that until 10:30am or so. And he wanted to meet me downtown around 11:30am. I was under the impression he wanted to get an early start. I didn't know how long it would take us to bike to Wakefield.
Anyway, I went with the flow and told him that I would be downtown at 11:30am. I had so much time to kill that I went to the grocery store to pick up some snacks. It wasn't until I got down there that I realized how little time I had. I didn't even get a chance to eat breakfast. I quickly packed my backpack with water, fruit, granola bars, and my camera and ran out the door. I made it downtown just in time. I grabbed a soy mocha and we made out way down to the Bike Rental place.
It didn't take us too long to get the bike and we were off. Brad asked me how comfortable I was with riding in traffic and I "went with the flow" and told him that it would be okay. I was actually a little scared because I've never ridden a bike with traffic before! Especially not on a strange bike that I didn't fully understand how to operate! I had trouble picking up speed and adjusting the gears! I was afraid that some motorist behind me would start honking! I was also nervous about the hand signals to switch lanes n stuff! Whew! It was a lot to deal with within the first 15 minutes. The other frightening period was crossing the bridge into Quebec! It was a grated bridge and I was afraid my tire would get caught in the groove and I'd be thrown off my bike and over the side of the bridge! I just speed across the bridge as fast as I could. LOL
Everything was smooth sailing after that. I thought we kept a good pace. Time seemed to pass by quickly. It was strange seeing everything going by so quickly - even though I wasn't in a car. It did allow me more time to look at things, read things, etc. There were a few hills that we had to climb! I didn't make it up one of them! It was too much on my legs. Brad made it up all of them! But he's been biking around for some time now - this was my first time in I don't know how long! So I had to walk my bike up the hills. There were only 2 hills that I can remember having to walk up on the way to Wakefield. I started to dread the thought of the return trip because if I only had to walk up 2 hills, I'll be doing a lot more walking on the way back. There were a lot of down hills. Especially as we got close to Wakefield.
Wakefield is located in the basin of some river that I can't find the name of. So traveling into Wakefield meant traveling down the side of the valley towards the river. There were 2 steep hills that were fun to speed down. Later, these hills would be the death of me! To make things worse, once we made our way down into the river valley, the wind was tremendous! We were riding into the wind and that made things REAL fun - let me tell ya!
It took us 2 hours and 20 minutes to get to Wakefield. It felt great to be there and I was excited to be there. I imagined that we would find a little park and relaxed our tired legs. Then I figured we would walk around and look into the shops and stuff. But that didn't happen. You see, when we rented the bike, we were told that we had to return the bike by 5pm. If it took us 2 hours and 20 minutes to get there, then it would take us just as long to get back! I was starving and wanted to eat. Brad looked at his watch and said that we could find a place and eat but we had to be on the road again by 2:30pm. I looked down at my own watch and noticed it was 2:15pm! I looked at him and laughed! As if!
We picked the closest restaurant and rested there. My legs were already starting to burn. And all I could think about was the bike ride back up those hills! And not only that, we had to travel much faster on the way back to make it back in time for 5pm! Bloody murder!
I ordered a lentil burger with friends and Brad ordered the club. I finally had a chance to talk to Brad. I told him about Mario and how I met him and stuff. I told him that Mario seemed to be ready for a relationship already and that I was slightly overwhelmed with it. It was the first time that I was really able to reflect on the whole situation. I realized then that I'm probably in the position He Who Must Not Be Named was in, and Mario is where I was. I started to think, is this how He felt? Was I this intense?
I told Brad that I did everything I could to scare away Mario. I told Mario that I was looking for a relationship rather than a friend. I told him what I prefered in guys physically and pointed out that his size might be an issue. But none of this seemed to deter Mario from going full steam ahead.
I can't remember how we went from talking about Mario to talking about Tony. I guess I was so completely submersed in analyzing myself that I started to talk about what was wrong between Tony and I. Oh, I think I know what it was. I think it was the whole 'attentitive' thing. I think that's what's similiar between Tony and Mario. Both of them are generous and are basically there to please me. And I really value that in a guy. Of course Tony was more closer to my body type than Mario. The only thing that I knew at that point, was to just get to know Mario better. It was too soon to determine if a relationship was possible. I knew that I'd be seeing him the following day and I'd take the opportunity to get to know him then.
The food was delicious! I wish we could have stayed longer, but we couldn't. It was getting close to 3pm and we only had 2 hours to get back to Ottawa. My legs were completely fatigued and burning. I was really worried that I wasn't going to make it back. Brad kept telling me that it'll all be down hill from here. But I'm thinking... most of the hills we encountered we went down.
We jumped back on our bikes and my butt ached as soon as it touched the seat. I had to sit a little of to the side to be comfortable. The ride back along the river valley was actually quite easy; considering that the wind was now pushing us. I figured it would take us 20 minutes to return to the first of the two steep hills, but we actually made it there in 10. I thought it would take us a total of 30 minutes to reach the main highway, but that only took us about 25 minutes. We were really making good time. I had to walk my bike up the 2 steep hills though. We finally made it to the half-way point - the point where I noticed that it took us an hour to get to on the way up. I told Brad that my legs were killing me and that my butt was so sore that it wasn't making pedaling any easier. He was support though. I set a target time to reach the outskirts of Gatineau, I figured we could probably make it in 30 minutes. We made it in 25! I felt good. I had a moto "Keep pedaling, just keep pedaling". But I was saying it with the voice of Dory in my mind (from Nemo). LOL
Everything was going smoothly and we were about 20 minutes away from Ottawa when tradegy struck! I my pedal hit the side of a curb and it jammed my chain! I had to slow down and pull over. Luckily Brad was behind me and he pulled over. I told him that I hit the side of the curb and I couldn't pedal after that. My chain was jammed between the chain sprokets. He pulled it out. We had 25 minutes before 5pm so we could still make it. I got back on my bike and noticed that my tired was flat! FLAT!
Brad had to turn around and come back. I told him that my tire was flat. I found a large staple in my tire! There was just no chance that we were going to make it back now! So we called the rental place and told them what had happened. She said that it would be a problem and that we wouldn't be charged. I was a little disappointed because I really wanted to get there before 5pm. That was my goal and we so totally could have made it! We ended up walking the rest of the way back. That is of cousre, until we passed a bike shop. There was a guy outside bringing in the bikes. I looked at Brad and said that we might as well see if he can fix the flat because I'd rather ride back into Ottawa than walk.
The store was closed but the guy helped us out anyway! That was really nice of him! I was totally thankful. We were back on the road again. My butt seemed to get more and more sore, it was totally painful for me to sit on the seat. We made it back to Brad's around 6pm. I was absolutely exhausted. I just wanted to go home and relax. I just wanted to go home and jump into a nice HOT bath. I knew my legs were going to scream bloody murder the following day. And Mario and I had planned on hiking that afternoon. I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do that now.
I made it home and remembered that I had "something" already planned. I certainly didn't want to do it now! My legs were too sore. I didn't think I would be able to enjoy myself. I had arranged with some other guy for a hook-up. I was hoping that things would fall through and I didn't have to go. I was obligated to go since I was the center-piece to the "event". Luckily, it didn't happen. So I jumped into the tub for over an hour and let my legs relax.
I went to bed rather early that night. I was sleeping sometime after 10pm. My legs bothered me as my the muscles around my knees wanted to tighten up. I couldn't tell what position was more comfortable to sleep in: a fetal position or completely straight out. Half way through the night, my legs seemed to calm down. I appeared to be fine this morning when I got up. The first thing I noticed was how swollen my butt was from that bike seat! My legs started to burn slightly shortly after that. I knew that I would be spending most of the day in bed watching movies.
So I did some laundry, took a walk to blockbuster and bought three movies for the occassion. I'm still waiting to hear from Mario about getting together. I figure I'll just invite him over to watch movies with me while my legs heal. ;)
