*Note all entries are added cronicological order from the begining of the month to the end. (dd/mm/yy)
(12/04/03) Whew! I had one of those nights where you think destiny is listening or something. Or fate is totally on your side, or some wierd thing like that. Because I totally had that experience last night. And if you're lucky, I may tell you the first time something like this has happened to me. It all depends on how tired I am after I am finished writing this out. Anyway, the best place to start is from the beginning, and my day started of seeing Christine at school.
Classes ended for me anyway, on the 8th of this week. And I asked Christine if she'd be interested in getting together before our exams to study and stuff, or to work on our political sociology papers. She agreed and I got a call from her on Thursday asking me if I was interested in seeing her on Friday morning. I ended up call Christine late Thursday night and left a message on her machine that it was cool to meet, but after lunch. On Friday, I woke up and got myself ready by 11am. I called up Christine and she said she would be ready around 1pm or so. So I figured that 1pm would be perfect. I did the dishes and cleaned up a bit before I headed down town. We planned on meeting in the Tabaret computer lab. When I got off the bus, Christine was already waiting for me. She told me she had some trouble getting logged onto a computer. We went in and she couldn't get logged on. I sent Tom an email asking him for a website address that was on federalism. He sent that right off. I didn't bother Tom again all day. Which is important I mention this now. That was the only contact I had with him all day, well except for when I saw him briefly on Thursday when I picked up the textbook. I just feel as though I've been ignoring him all week.
Anyway, back to the story. Christine and I didn't stay in the computer lab for very long. But before I left the lab, I sent an email to Marhsall because I wanted to borrow some money so I could treat Tom to a birthday dinner. He got back to me before we decided to leave. He said he would! Which was really nice of him! I'm so happy. So... Christine and I decided to go find a place to read, considering that's all she was able to do anyway. So we went into the Arts building and relaxed in the lounge area on the second floor. I opened up Tom's text book and started to read that. Christine opened whatever text book she had and we started to read. Except that, that didn't last too long. Christine talks a lot! She was talking about this and that. And with good reason, we had a lot of reading to do before our exams. Plus she had 2 more exams to write more than me. So she was trying to get herself organized. About 30 minutes later, and after she recieved a phone call, I decided to pack it all up. I wasn't getting anything done and I was sure tired. My eyes were not staying open! So we sat and talked and fooled around. We ate this oatmeal bar that she didn't like. I didn't like it either, it was like eating raw oats. She started telling me stories and showing me pictures of herself when she was a kid. She had the photos because she was showing them around to co-workers. Oh, did I tell you that Christine works in the PCO? The Privy Council Office! I can't believe that! I wish I could work there, I need a cool job like that, were I can develop good experience. Anyway, four finally rolled around and we started to get our coats on and stuff. She wanted to know what I was going to do. I told her that I was meeting up with a friend. We said our good-bye's and we left in different directions.
I went to the library to return a book. Since I was in the library I figured I'd email Marhsall again to see when I'd be able to pick up the cash. He emailed me back and told me to swing by his office around 5ish. It was almost that time, so I went early. I was so happy to know that I had money to spend on Tommy. What I had in mind was to take him to Pizza Hut, his favorite pizza restuarant, and surprise him with a card or something. And hopefully, the restuarant sings happy birthday and all that. That would be cool.
I got to Marhsall's office and he was just about finished work. He actually wanted to leave earlier, which was cool for me because I was excited about getting money. We walked to the Royal Bank and he ended up lending me $60, more than enough money for a fabulous evening with Tom. We parted ways and I caught a bus to billing's bridge. When I got there, I had about 10 minutes to kill. So I figured I'd go shopping for a card. I must of spent an hour at billing's bridge. I picked up something to make for dinner and returned home. I still had a lot of work to do because my annoying political sociology paper due next week and I so totally didn't want to do it. I had a bunch of reading to do. I got home and found out that Dragan was gone for the weekend. He left me a really cool letter too! It was all printed out and it had a HOT picture of a guy on it too! He said that he was off to Toronto for the weekend. I thought sweet! Time alone!
If you thought that I got all wild, you'd be wrong. I didn't I really wanted to make a dent in my essay. So I buckled down and started to actively read. Oh I have to admit, I did do this and that at the same time. I watched some TV, played on the game cube for a bit. But later in the evening, around 7ish or so, I started to wish I was with Tom. I missed him. I didn't see enough of him all week. So I decided to sneak on line to see if he was there.
I logged onto to MSN to see if he was there. He wasn't. I continued to keep myself busy as I monitored Tom's whereabouts. Hours past and I began to be overcome with emotions that I had no right to feel. I started to feel hurt and abandoned. Can you believe that? I felt that Tom should have let me know where he was going. I couldn't believe myself. Tom is allowed to do whatever he wishes, and he doesn't owe an explaination to me.
So with that thought, I logged off MSN to prevent me knowing his whereabouts. I relogged onto MSN under my other email account and my good buddy Shanlee was on line. I began to chat with her and share my troubles of Tom with her. Actually, I ended up calling her because I didn't want to type it all out. I told her everything, from the beginning. From where I first met Tom which was in an english class, to where Dragan and Rod outted me to him, to where I am now. Hopelessly in love with Tom.
Shanlee did her best in offering her advice. But I don't think she totally understood where I was coming from. I was totally in love with Tom. I was hurting and didn't want to continue to be hurt. So I made up my mind that I would just tell Tom something! Something that would give him the impression that I care for him more than I should. Shanlee wasn't to sure if this was a good idea. She asked me if I was willing to lose a friend over this. I told her that I didn't think I could continue a friendship with him while I still loved him. It would be too hard! It already kills me when he talks about Emilie. I couldn't talk to Shanlee for very long because she needed to get ready for work. So we ended our conversation and she wanted me to keep her updated. She said she would call me the next day in the evening.
I logged off MSN long enough to log onto the account in which I have Tom on. He was still missing. He wasn't on line. Oh, my poor heart was really sobbing with pain. I didn't cry though, although I was close to it. Tom was really starting to obstruct my life. I long since stopped reading. I couldn't read. Not while I didn't know where Tom was. I logged off and did my best not to think about it. I switched MSN accounts again and then decided to log onto gay.com. I figured I'd try to meet someone new to help keep my mind off current troubles.
I ended up chatting with various fellows on line. But I did end up chatting with this one fellow who seemed to be pretty normal. I was being kind of defensive that evening so anyone who asked for stats or a pic got ignored. Except for this one guy, who seemed normal and level-headed. He asked for a pic and I totally dogged him on it. He said he was sorry and we continued to chat. It was long after he wanted to exchange email addresses, he also asked me if I had MSN. I told him that I did, and I was getting tired with all the annoying pvt's from other guys looking to 'hook up'. So I turned off gay.com and started to chat with this fellow on MSN. It was getting fairly late and I was getting tired. It was roughly after 11pm. My back was aching from sitting for so long, and I didn't want to type any more. So that's when this guy asks me to trade phone numbers. Usually I'd say no to such a suggestion, but I figured why the hell not. So I slipped him my number.
He finally called me around 11:30 or so. He sounded normal, actually he sounded cute. We started to talk, I was being agressive because I didn't really want to waste my time. He wasn't doing a heck of a lot of talking. I wasn't interested in the conversation and started to think about Tom again. I couldn't believe that he disappeared off the face of the earth. And I didn't know where he was. I kept thinking of these ridiculous thoughts, and I still can't believe I was thinking of them. It was about 11:45pm and I totally didn't want to talk to this guy anymore, he was boring. So I started to pace back and forth looking for a reason to get off the phone with this guy. I walked slowly to the living room and I can see a figure walking down the street. It took me a few seconds and I finally gasped! I said, "What is he doing here?" I was in shock. I didn't know what to do. The figure down below awkwardly looked up at me and saw me. I backed away from the window and told the guy on the phone that I had to go. I had an unexpected visitor. He was more than willing to get off the phone. I told him it was nice chatting with him and that I'd stay in touch. I quickly got off the phone and then I heard a knock at the door.
I walked to the door and opened it. And you'll never guess who was standing there in front of me! It was Tom! I kid you not! It was about 10 to midnight and I have Tommy standing in front of me. He staggered into the apartment and I thought it was all an act. So I went along with it. He asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was just on the phone with somebody that I didn't want to talk to. You have to imagine what I was going through at the time. I was totally in shock. I didn't know what was going on. He appeared to be drunk. I thought it was an act, but he was drunk.
I got so nervous, it was like I was on a gay movie, and the straight friend comes over drunk to confess his burning desire to be with another guy. I got really nervous, I was happy and scared and excited. Tom staggered into the living room and sat down on the couch. I sat down on the recliner and asked him where he was coming from. He told me that he was out with Rod. The strange thing was, it seemed as though all he wanted to do was make the point that he was drunk. The point was taken. I really didn't want to talk about Rod so I tried to change the subject by telling him that I didn't think he was drunk. He said that he felt pretty wrecked. I told him that when I saw him walking down the street, that he was walking fairly straight. He then told me his little story of how drunk he was. He went into a gas station to use the bathroom and he remembered standing in front of the cooler deciding on what to drink. He finally picked something out and left. He told me that he didn't really know where he was in the city, but he knew he was close to my place. Or at least, in the general area.
Tom kept trying to bring up Rod and I kept on changing the subject. The second time I told him that I called him earlier in the day to see what he was doing tonight. He told me that he was with a girl. My heart literally sank. I tried to dismiss the entire statement all together. I'm sure Tom was able to read my face. It just seemed like a cruel and intentional joke. It's as though he wanted to see what my reaction would be after he said such a thing. Because that's the look he gave me. I can't be sure what I did when he said that. I might of looked away. I know my eyes started to water last night, but I don't know when and to what!?
What seemed like an eternity, was only a minute or two. I finally asked him if he was really with a girl. He said he was. Although he made it sound like he was "with" a girl. Which was still cruel, and I think my eyes did start to water at this point. I continued to question him on how this all came about. He finally told me that he went over to this girl's place to study. This girl was a friend of Emilie's. And this some how brought us back to the subject of Rod. So I finally gave in. I asked him how Rod got a hold of him. Tom said that Rod had called him the night before. He told Tom that he was coming into Ottawa for a hockey game and wanted to know if Tom was interested in going. Tom knew then that he had a study date with Emilie's friend and told Rod that he'd call him on Friday after 6pm. Tom also asked Rod if he had called me yet. Rod said that he didn't and didn't care to. Tom said that he should.
So on Friday, Tom goes on his study date early in the afternoon, which explains why I wasn't able to get a hold of him all afternoon. And he didn't make it back to his place by 6 to call Rod. But he was still able to get a hold of Rod, which he came to pick up Tom. Anyway, to make a long story short, Rod took Tom a hockey tournament that Rod was working on. After that, they went to the Loon and Arrow to have a few drinks. After that, they returned to the arena, which is on Walkley, and continued to drink there. I'm not entirely sure what made Tom want to ditch Rod, I guess it was the amount of 'trash' Tom was surrounded by. Again, long story short, Tom staggered over to my place. He just took a chance to see if I was home. And I was.
I started to ask Tom if Rod talked about me at all. And Tom said that Rod always talks about me. Of course none of it was any good. The only thing that seems apparent was that Rod was not going to call me at all. I guess my post-actions, were justifying his pre-actions. If that makes any sense to you, it was like, he was glad what he had done considering that I would have ended up calling the police on him.
I don't understand why Rod is so determined to give me a bad name. Especially in front of a friend like Tom. I ended up telling Tom that I thought that Rod must feel intimidated by me or threatened. It always seems that Rod is in some sort of competition with me. Or that Rod hates the fact that people with university degrees are deemed to be smarter and deserves better pay. I think Rod may be a communist. Anyway, I think I made my point clear enough that Rod was more than willing to say anything to make myself look less of a person in front of Tom. But I think Tom is loyal to me. I don't think Tom listens to Rod or takes anything Rod says for face value. Which is cool. Before I changed the subject to something else, I told Tom that Rod probably called him up because he might want a place to stay. I told him that, that's the way Rod functions, there is always a hidden agenda. A hidden and 'use-ive' purpose to his attention. Rod never does anything without there being some sort of benefit for him. With that being said, I finally told Tom that I didn't want to talk about Rod anymore. Tom said that I always talk about Rod. I replied back that, whenever I do talk about Rod, it's never as negative as the attacks Rod makes. I further added that Rod not trys to make me look bad, but he also involves my family. Tom then tells me that he thinks I always try to talk about Rod. I tell him that I was trying to avoid the topic all night, but he kept bringing it up. I think Tom realized that at least for tonight, that he was the one responsible for bringing up Rod. As much as I wanted to tell Tom that I didn't want him to hang out with Rod anymore, I couldn't. I couldn't ask Tom to do something like that. Instead, I decided to tell him who Rod really is. Which I mentioned already above. Anyway, even now as I type, I want to move on and forget Rod.
So we finally had a change of topic and we started to talk about car accidents. Which is kind of a crazy topic. Tom told me about the many car accidents he's been in as well as his father.
(14/04/03) Last night was probably the cutest night I have ever had with my Tommy! It was Tom's birthday last night. He's 21 years old now. A fine young gentleman! I picked up a birthday card on Friday afternoon. It was really hard to pick up a good one. I could have gone with the old naked girl type card, but I wanted something that said 'me'. I must of spent about an hour at Hallmark and about 30 minutes at Carlton Cards.
This one card I picked up had a question on the front of it and two pictures, one picture was of a cake, and the other was of a cartoon character that was naked behind cardboard that said censored. The question said, "what would you rather have? Me naked or the cake?" The inside of the card said, "Keep in mind which one is compassionate and sensitive." I thought it was a cute! But I figured he wouldn't get the joke... plus it might wierd him out too much. So I went with this other card, it was an Aaron Carter card. I didn't get it because of what was on the cover. I got it because of what it said. It was the lamest card ever! On the outside, it said: "Hanging out with you is always cool!" and the inside it said: "You're my flyest friend". You'd have to be constantly with us to get the joke, but he totally got it when he opened it!
Anyway, on Saturday I messaged him on MSN and asked him what he was doing later on Sunday. He didn't say he was doing anything. So I asked him if he wanted to get a bite to eat that night. He said sure and I suggested Pizza Hut, his favorite pizza restuarant. He said yes! The dinner plans where set! What I wanted to do next was to call Pizza Hut to see how late they were open on Sunday, because Tom wanted to get together around 8pm. But as it turned out, I couldn't find the dang number. So I just left it.
Now, Sunday was a long day for me. Thank god Marshall called me that morning and invited me out to breakfast! Marshall called around 11am or so. I had just gotten up and said I would meet him at the Tim Horton's closest to my place. I got showered and dressed and ran down to met him. We decided to go to Cora's, it's a breakfast restuarant. And let me tell you, the waiters at that joint were HOT! Bunch of little cuties! There was this one guy, he looked half asian and italian or something, but definitely not asian and white. He was the cutest.
Breakfast was cool, we sat there for about an hour. Chatting about this and that, I can't really remember! I was too excited about Tom. After breakfast, Marshall and I walked back towards my place. I wasn't focussed on what Marshall was saying. I was too busy thinking about my problem with Tom. I had realized for days now that I had fallen in love with Tom. It had begun to tear me apart. I kept dreading the thought that he would call me up and tell me about a date he had with Emilie. I don't want to hear it, I don't know how I would take it.
For days now I kept pondering on what to do, and it was starting to rush at me. I would soon be seeing Tom, and I knew some sort of decision would have to be made. I either tell him how I felt or just keep my mouth shut. I just wanted it all to end. I didn't care if last night would be our last or not. I ended up deciding that if the opportunity arised, that I would tell him that I ended up caring for him more than I was able to control.
I left Marshall at Billing's Bridge and I returned home. I still had a paper to write, and I only have a couple of hours before my date with Tom. I did my best to work, I didn't get much done. Around 6:30pm I logged onto MSN, I just had to see what Tom was doing. He was there and we chatted for a bit. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was watching golf, it was a major event or something. We decided to meet at Billing's Bridge at 7:45pm.
Well, I had over an hour to kill so I decided to send Sydney an email. I totally lost track of time by the time I finished everything. It was already 7:30pm and I didn't even get a chance to change yet! Let alone work on his birthday card! I was so pressed for time. It was 7:45pm when I started to write in his card, I felt so rushed, I can't remember what exactly it was that I wrote in it. But it was something like this:
" I'm sorry about what's on the front of the card, but I got the card because of what it says. I couldn't stop laughing when I read it. Anyway, I can't believe we've been friends this long. I think you're a great guy and an incredibly nice guy. I know only good things will happen to you. I wish you all the best. Have a great summer!"
That's about what I had on the card. I licked it and wrote "Tommy Boy" on the envelope. After that, I finally left the house around 10 minutes to 8! I can't believe I was so late. I had already kept Tom waiting for 10 minutes, and I knew it would take me 10 just to get to Billing's Bridge. I grabbed Dragan's jacket, because it had large pockets for the birthday card and started to run down the street.
I got to the TV monitor that we usually meet under and he's not there. I went to the northbound platform and he wasn't there either. I started to panic. What if he left because I took so long! I felt so bad. So I went up to the southbound platform to see if he was there. And he was! I apologized and we stood outside while I caught my breath. Tom was adorable of course. He was wearing his khaki coloured pants, along grey long sleeve shirt with an etnies t-shirt over top and a navy blue windbreaker. He look so HOT! I tried to explain why I was late, but couldn't come up with a good solid reason. Anyway, the bus finally came and we got on.
The funny thing is, when we found a seat near the back, I was just about to sit down normally when I remembered that the birthday card was inside my jacket! Had I sat down normally, I would have bent the card! So I made this cheesy, "whoaaa" speech as I pretended to lose my balance and sat down awkwardly as to not bend the card. Tom just looked at me weird. To make a long story short, we finally arrived at Pizza Hut. My heart was kind of pounding. I requested a booth next to the window and I also tried to make Tom sit with his back towards the kitchen. Well it wasn't too hard. Before I sat down, I told Tom that I was going to go to the bathroom. Which I did, but on my way back, I quickly rushed over to the kitchen and asked the lady standing there if they do stuff for birthday's, like sing a song or something. She said they do and I gave her the birthday card to give to Tom after we finished eating.
We ordered 2 medium pizza's, ceasar salad and garlic bread. We chatted about this and that. You know... we never talk about anything really important. But I do know that we can spend hours talking, isn't that funny. I should really record ourselves some time to find out what it is we talk about. Anyway, near the end of the dinner, I see the waiter off to my right holding a tray, and he looks at me and nods. I quickly nod back and Tom is like, "What?". Then the guy walks up and Tom sees the waiter holding a slice of cake with a candle on top. I WAS SO HAPPY! I just sat there and watched Tommy he looked so CUTE and suprised. The waiter asked him to stand up on his chair and Tom was like, "are you serious?". So Tom stood up and the waiter called out, "Can I have everyone's attention, I'd like to announce that Tommy Boy's birthday today and he's 21. So can I have everyone help me out and sing him happy birthday?"
Tom was a little embarassed. It kind of sucked that the restuarant wasn't totally packed, but there were only two other tables in the restuarant. But they all participated and sang Tom happy birthday. Then Tom sat down and blew out his candle. After that I slid over the card and he wandered where it came from. He asked me if it came from Pizza Hut. I told him that I brought it. He started to think that I stopped by earlier, but I told him that I did it while went to the bathroom... or after rather. It was a total cute moment.
He opened the card and laughed at the picture of Aaron Carter, and finally read what it said. He started to laugh some more, and then opened the inside. And of course, he laughed some more. He said: "This is the best card I've ever gotten!". Which made me TOTALLY happy. Then he read the inside, I never stopped staring at him by the way, and he nodded his head and thanked me. He continued to look at the card and noticed there was glitter on the front, which I really didn't notice. It was great! And I'm so glad I was able to take part in it.
I paid for the bill and told him it was because it was his birthday, because he was going to pay. But I told him no. We got the rest of our pizza to go and we walked all the way back to my place. Dragan wasn't home, he left on Friday to go to Toronto. It was only 10 or so by the time we got in. As I was walking back towards my room, I remember that I broke the hallway closet door. The door knob fell off. I was in such a rush trying to clean things up earlier that afternoon, when I was putting the iron away, I pulled the door knob right off! And as soon as I did that, I heard the other knob, inside fall to the ground. It was kind of funny, but annoying too! I told Tom about it and he started to look at it! Awww, it was so cute! To see Tom try and fix something. He is quite the handy man though! And I like that in a guy!
So the first thing we did was try to open the door so we could get the other knob out. Tom asked me for a knife and stuff so he could jimmy it open. We tried a number of things, cards, ruler, a knife. Tom's jimmy plan wasn't working, so he started to stick a sharp knife into the little hole where the knob goes into, and he managed to turn it. I was in the kitchen at the time when I heard him yell out, "I got it!" So I ran into the hallway and saw him bending over... which was the best sight to look at while entering a room... Anyway, Tom asks me to grab the door from the bottom as he tries to turn the inside of the knob hole. And it worked. We got inside and I grabbed the other knob. I gave it to Tom and he started to investigate what was going on. My God, it was the cutest thing I've ever seen!
After a moment, he finally concluded that the outside knob was striped. The only thing he could do was reverse the knobs, put the inside knob on the outside. That way, if they ever fall off again, we'd have the better knob to open the closet door. It sounded good to be. So I grabbed the drill and gave it to Tommy so he could fix my door. After he got the knobs back on and he gave it a few test tries (WHICH WAS THE SUPREMELY CUTEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN TO DATE!) he came into the kitchen. He put the drill back into the case and I was standing there with a smile on my face, ready with the next handy man chore.
The night before, I came into the dinning room for something and the light burnt out. I tried changing it myself, but couldn't figure out how to take the light fixture down. I figured it would be an easy task. But it wasn't so I gave up. My original intention was to leave it for Dragan to figure out. But since I had Tommy here, I figured I'd get him to do it. Besides, I could also check him out! So, tell him the prognosis, and ask if he could look at it. I told him to get up on some chairs and take a closer look.
I feel I need to remind you of that note that Dragan left for me was still sitting on top the table. Facing up. With the picture of the hunky guy! Anyway, before Tom climbs on the chair, he flips the note over. I start to laugh, "what are you doing?" I asked him. He said, "it's distracting, I don't want to be seeing that." We both laughed. He climbed up the chairs and started to fiddle around with the light fixture. He ended up turning the whole globe to get it off. Just as he was getting it off, I go the the-now fixed closet door- and grab a new light blub. I go back to him and give it to him. I take the old one and put it on the table. AT this point, I am standing in front of him. I started to think, why am I standing here? So I slowly walk around him until I'm off to his side. I then start to slowly move my eyes down his body. Tom's arms were up over his head, and his shirt was slightly raised up, so I could see some of his mid-section. UNBELIEVEABLY HOT!! My eyes kept on travelling down his body, and I got a good side view of his... well below the waist. I'll savor that image for as long as I can. Tom has a great round butt... and he was also displaying a bit more with his arms up... if you know what I mean. Mmmm, I can still see him standing there, in front of me.
Anyway, back to the story! Dragan brought Mario Party with him from his last trip home, so we decided to play that, and we played that until Dragan got home. Which was almost 11pm.
I had baked some chocolate chip cookies on Saturday night and I had some left over and I told Tom that he wasn't leaving until he had one. So I dragged him into the dinning room and told him that he had to make yummy noisy and rub his tummy. He's so accomodating! He did and he also rubbed his head too, the goof. Oh god, I love him so much that I've got tears in my eyes right now. He told me that he liked my cookies.
Tom stayed pretty late that night, he was still there after Dragan went to bed. I started to feel funny. I started to feel as though I should be expecting something. It was about 3am in the morning before Tom decided to call a cab. Again, we were watching something about SARS on TV and he mentioned sarcastically that it had been a while since he got a hug. And I told him that it had been awhile for me too! And for a split second, I thought that he was going to hug me! I think it was after that moment, that I thought something was going to happen.
I stayed in a stationary position, ready for a hug or something. The cab came and I stood next to Tom while he put his shoes on. He stood up and looked at me and said thanks for the card and his birthday dinner. I told him no problem and he left. I felt so heart broken and I didn't even know why. Well actually, I did a little. I knew that I wanted a hug. Just a small hug to let me know he cared. I almost cried when I went to bed, but I didn't. I stayed strong. It was then I decided that I should probably stop seeing him. I was starting to get too attached.
(17/04/03) A reality of Tom. Coming Soon!
(22/04/03) I had the absolutely best weekend. I�m sure you are cringing, because, whenever I have a good weekend, it means a lot of reading for you. Well, I have to be honest, this no short story! This story begins on Friday evening, April 18th. I had just finished my final exam and emailed it to my professor. I called up Tom and we started to chat about this and that. We played around on this site called liquid generation. Around 6pm I asked him if he wanted to get something to eat. So we chose McDonald�s. I also suggested to him that after we eat we could go to Stout Bros. and have some drinks and play some darts. So basically our whole evening was set.
I met Tom at Billing�s Bridge and we walked down towards McDonald�s. This was my first time seeing Tom since Sunday night. I kind of missed him� what am I saying? I totally missed him! But I had a busy week because of school and work, which made it an even longer week! Anyway, back to the story. He started to talk about his brother and girls, and right away, my heart kind of sank. Or� not really sink, but I got nervous. I didn�t want Tom to start talking about girls. I always get a bit anxious about that. I hate that feeling.
Anyway, we get closer to McDonald�s and finally Tom brings up Emilie. And his fabulous date with her, although it didn�t turn out fabulous at all. He didn�t end up going anywhere last night. I was a bit relieved and I didn�t respond too much after what he said, I just didn�t want to spend the night talking about Emilie! And no, it�s not because I�m jealous, I just don�t want to be hurt, especially on our first night out since Sunday.
Our conversation through dinner was as usual about this and that. I can�t honestly remember what we chatted about. Nothing special happened at McDonald�s anyway, so I�ll move on. We left McDonald�s and Tom brings up something about forcing some guy to eat Ketchup. It was a weird and pointless story, but I had some fun with it. I asked him if the guy enjoyed being fed ketchup. Tom laughed, but I don�t think he totally knew what I was saying.
Anyway, the major point I want to bring up is that just before we get to Stout Bros., Tom brings up this one guy we�ve chatted about before. You see, about a month prior, Tom told me that he liked Emilie, and that he thought some other guy might of liked her as well. Anyway, Tom was acquainted with this guy and he knew that this guy chatted Emilie. I told Tom that this guy was probably working on hooking up with her.
Well, as it turns out, this guy�s name is Kendrick. I�m not sure how you spell it, but I�ll spell it that way. Anyway, last Monday, Tom, Kendrick and Emilie were walking her home from a bar called Father & Sons, a bunch of poli-sci students got together to "study". Anyway, I guess Tom was trying to hit on Emilie, enough to make Kendrick ask him if he was! It wasn�t too long after that Tom started to talk about internet porn and boobies. Kendrick made some statement about him not liking that kind of stuff. And then Tom came back with that the whole gay thing didn�t bother him. And Kendrick came out to him! I personally can�t believe that, two guys who are Tom�s friends and they are both gay. It�s kind of funny.
So we get inside Stout Bros. and we order a picture of Moosehead and take a table next to the dart board. We started to play and I started asking questions about Kendrick. Anyway, this is the 411 on Kendrick: He�s 21, short, something like 5'5", skinny, black hair, and Asian. He also lives a few floors below Tom too. I started to ask Tom all kinds of questions, like if they did anything together. Tom said that they go out for dinner every now and then. They went to see a movie. OH! I had to ask Tom where Kendrick sat, and he told me that Kendrick sat right beside him! Of course I had to ask Tom that the next we go see a movie, would he let me sit next to him. He said no, jokingly. But I think I will sit next to him.
Anyway, I kept on probing about this new homo in Tom's life. I also found out that Kendrick went up to Tom's place only in his pj�s! I couldn�t believe that. And Tom has gone down to Kendrick's place a few times too. Anyway, I had to ask how many times these two got together! Tom says on average, they might get together 2 times a week. Although, I can�t remember how long Tom has known this guy. I think he only met him this semester. But I�m not entirely sure. I also asked Tom if he played Halo with Kendrick and he said he did! And then I said in a sarcastic disgusted tone, "But that�s our game Tommy!" He just laughed.
Tom later asked me if I wanted to get set up with Kendrick, I told him no, but I would still be interested in seeing him. So Tom tells me that Kendrick will be back in Ottawa around the first week in May, so I�ll meet him then.
Tom and I sat at Stout Bros. until almost 10pm. We decided to go back "home" and see what Dragan was up to. You�re probably wondering why I have home in quotation marks. Well it�s because after we left the bar, I asked Tom what exactly it was we were doing for the rest of the evening. Tom says, "We are going home, see if Dragan is there and play some Mario Party".
On the way back to my place, Tom tells me that when he played Racquet ball with Kendrick, he thought Kendrick was checking out Tom! Damn, I�m sooo totally going to have to ask Kendrick what he saw! LOL After Tom told me that, I just told Tom, "You see, that�s the problem all you straight guys have, you think every gay guy is checking you out!" And that pretty much ended the conversation at that point.
Before we got into my place, I told Tom to pretend he was drunk and ask for me. Dragan answered the door and Dragan let Tom in. I went in and Dragan knew we were up to something. Dragan told me that I had a few messages on the phone. One was from Joshua! I played it out to Tom and he had a good laugh. Joshua left some crazy message on my phone, actually I�ll tell you what he says!
"(singing) I drank all night, just to be here� or whatever. This is an ode to the next American Idol darling. (laughs) Anyways, this is Joshua, but I just got home. I know it�s pathetic, but I drank all fuckin� night. No, actually I went to bed. And I just got up at 6 o�clock. But I am sooo driving to Ottawa today. I need a chauffer; I need an assistant, pray for me! Anyways I�ll give you guys a call. And when I do �cum�, yes I�ll just stroke it first, oh yeah. (laughs) Anyways, kay bye."
Yup, that�s my buddy Joshua for ya. Totally crazy! Anyways, I tried calling him at his uncle�s but he didn�t arrive in Ottawa yet. So Dragan, Tom and I decided to head on over to Quebec to grab some beer or something. We ended up in Gatineau at some convenient store. We managed to pick up a 12 of Kieth�s. I was surprised, I got Dragan some peach wine coolers. Then we headed on back to my place.
We didn�t do a heck of a lot when we got back. We played some Mario Party and watch some TV. We later ordered some Pizza from Pizza Hut. Oh, by the way, I feel strongly compelled to tell you that you should never order pizza hut at night! It totally sucks! Dragan finally went to bed around 3ish or so. Tom and I sat up and chatted. This is the bulk of my story. LOL, which is kind of funny considering how much you�ve already read through!
Tom sat on the recliner and I laid on the couch facing him. I�m not entirely sure how it all started, but I started to ask Tom some questions. And I managed to ask him a question that hit a soft spot. I didn�t realize how real things were when I started to see his eyes water and when he started to squeeze his lips tightly together. One of the many questions I asked him was how he would describe himself. He didn�t say too much. His list was very short; he said that he was a nice guy and funny. I asked him if that was it. And he nodded. I continued to ask him questions around the subject and he finally tells me that he�s very highly critical of himself and he goes hard on himself. I asked him why and he said cause he could always do better. I asked him again to describe himself and his list was still short. I asked him if he was proud of anything, and he said a few things. He said he was proud that he moved away from home, made friends, survived two years of school. He also said he was proud of his athleticism. I acknowledged that he was good at both of those accomplishments.
There was so much that was discussed that evening, I never want to forget the evening, because it was by far the most intimate conversation I�ve ever had with him� with a heterosexual. Tom must of came close to tears about 3 times. I thought it was beautiful. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life! Another touchy topic I brought up was how he felt about himself. And I can�t believe he said that there is someone better than him out there. I asked him why he thought that and again he was too critical of himself. He went on to explain that he wonders why anyone would like him because there is someone better than him out there. I asked him to tell me who is better than him. I wanted to tell him that I thought he was perfect. Actually, I kind of did, but not directly, I told him: "What if I told you that I thought you were perfect, what would you say to tell me not to waste my time with you and that there is somebody better out there?" He had a hard time answering that one. I�m not sure what kind of answer I was expecting. I can�t believe how lowly he thinks of himself. If only he could realize just how special he is, well at least to me.
The conversation between Tom and I that evening will forever be remembered here and in my heart. I�ll never forget the way he looked. I have never loved Tom more than I have ever before until now. After I ran out of questions, we decided to play truth or dare. I kind of wanted to know if he was willing to put me into the hot seat. He didn�t really, although some of his questions were good ones. He asked me a few questions like why I didn�t wear shorts, if I had ever peed on anyone! I don�t know why he would ask me that one. Most of the questions came from previous questions. I don�t know how he got started on this particular string, but he asked me why I thought that he could only have one gay friend. Oh I remember, because I asked him if he would consider going to a gay bar with me the next time we go out. Then he asked me if he thought that he would get picked up. I told him no, at least I hope not. Then he asked me why? And I told him that I would be jealous if any guys where to try and pick him up and that he only has room for one gay friend in his life. And then he tells me that he has three, referring to Dragan, Kendrick and myself. I told him that I had Dragan at bay and it wouldn�t take much to back off Kendrick. He laughed. Then he asked me why he I said that guys can only have one gay friend, I told him that straight guys are entitled to have as many gay friends as they want, but he only had room for one, which was me. That pretty much ended that section of questions.
Some of the questions I asked him where, of course, what colour where his underwear! LOL, he said he had on a pair of blue boxers! Oh, hot! I also asked him if he talked about me to any of his family. He said that he talked to his mother about me a lot. That when ever she calls, he usually tells her what has happened since her last call. And if he happened to be hanging out with me, then he�ll tell her about me. I thought that was really sweet. We also asked each other questions that led us to answer with each other�s name. I can�t remember what I asked him, but he said: "Well, it�ll have to be you". And same with him, I told him that he was the answer, for the life of me I can�t remember. Another question I asked him was about his pants. He normally wears these khaki coloured baggy pants, remember, Tom is a biker type guy. So he were these baggy pants, nothing ghetto and droopy. But anyway, I asked him if he was going to wear anything different on Sunday and he asked me, "you mine like my Sunday�s best?" And I jokingly told him yes. He said, "You�re looking at it". I asked him if he would consider wearing anything else. He asked me what I wanted him to wear and I asked him what he had and he told me that he had grey pants and grey-blue pants. I told him whatever, just as long as it wasn�t the khaki coloured pants. What I really wanted him to wear was the grey pants because they show off his ass and thighs the best!
We started to slow down talking because it was getting light out and it was about 6:30am. We both finally drifted off. I had a strange dream, probably reflecting on the night, but I woke up with the feeling of someone looking at me. I woke up to Tom looking at me. It was near 9am. Tom told me he had a stomachache. He left shortly after that and I went to bed. It was difficult for me to sleep. I kept having dreams about my stupid final about federalism and Quebec nationalists! It was truly driving me crazy.
(Saturday) I finally woke up around 12pm and Dragan and I went grocery shopping for our Easter dinner. We stopped by Gina's to see if we could borrow a roasting pan for our turkey. She was a bit stressed out that day. Her father-in-law was there. We didn�t stay long because she was on her way out anyway. We didn�t pick up the roasting pan because she didn�t know where she put it. So we left and decided to go visit Marshall. I told him that we might have to borrow his.
So we get there and Marshall is just totally sick. He picked up the stomach flu. Which was horrible luck because he was also suppose to be moving over the weekend. We didn�t keep him too long, we chatted a bit, told him we�d stop by on Monday and then we grabbed the roasting pan and took off. We finally got back home around 3pm and I was dead tired! I wanted to take a nap! But I helped Dragan with the dishes and I was in bed around 3:30pm. He had to work at 5pm that night.
Joshua called me, I�m not sure when, it�s kind of hard to guestimate that, because I was in midst of my beauty rest. He told me that he would call me later that evening around 7:30pm. I finally got some sleep and woke up before 6pm. I didn�t do much, other than log onto to MSN, and low and behold, my Tommy was on line! We started to chat and he told me that he went home, went to sleep around 10am, woke up around 1pm and took a long walk around downtown and canal area. Then he sat in his room and did nothing until I logged on.
I told Tom that I had a great night and he responded with some puzzlement. Then I further explained that I was greatly appreciative and respected what he had shared with me the night before. I felt more strongly connected with him and I was wishing he felt the same. I told him that I wasn�t sure if I wanted to do anything that night, but I didn�t want to be alone. He told me that he felt the same why. So I asked if he wanted to come over again. He said that he would. I went one step further and asked him if he wanted to spend the night, and he said that he would think about it.
I met him at Billing�s Bridge again at 7pm. We started to walk towards Rideau River and we decided to walk towards Carleton University. It was nice; I loved being in his company. I love being with him again. I felt as though I spent too much time away from him. The walk was long and the conversation was as usual. Although we spend most of our time talking about nothing, I enjoy it the same. We walked all the way to Heron Road walking along Rideau River, and crossed the bridge and walked back to Carleton U. We did a lot of climbing too, like up stairs. At the bridge at Heron Road, I walked up behind him. He has an incredible ass. It�s so perfectly round. I can�t stop staring at it. It�s even perfectly round when he sits down! I can�t stand it! When we got to Carleton, we climbed up more stairs and I walked up behind him. Of course stealing glances of his butt.
We took a seat by a vending machine and re-hydrated ourselves. It was starting to get dark so we started to head back. By the time we left the vending machine area to get to Bronson, it was dark. We walked up towards Heron Road again with the intentions of renting a movie from Blockbuster. But as we walked, we decided that we would watch a movie from my own collection. We had narrowed it down to Xmen, Shinning Through, or the Borne Identity. I found a dirty golf ball on the side of the sidewalk and kicked it out to Tom. He picked it up and started to play with it. He ended up ditching. We stopped by Burger King and I got some cheeseburgers because it was my first time eating anything all day.
Two hours later we finally get back to my place, "home". We sat down and started to watch the Borne Identity. I wanted to watch Shinning Through but after I told him that it was on VHS and that my VCR was in my room, he wanted to watch whatever was on DVD. I wanted to ask him why he didn�t want to watch a movie in my room. I wanted to know what the big deal was, but I knew that if we did, I would have probably fell asleep anyway and he might of too. So I chose to drop it and deal with another day and so we watched the Borne Identity. I kept nodding off here and there, but I managed to stay awake. I was really tired. Tom left around 12:30am or so. I can�t really remember. I remember telling him that I didn�t want him to leave, that I didn�t want to be alone. But he did. Before he left, I told him to be back the next day around 12pm. I gave him the impression that we were going to eat at that time. :)
(Sunday) I woke up on my internal alarm clock at 11am. I got up and checked the bird. It was still frozen! I dumped it into the sink and took a shower. I didn�t even have the turkey in the oven when Tom showed up. He was nearly on time. I think he showed up around 12:15pm or so. My Tommy didn't shave, he had a natural shapped goatee growing it. Tom is so perfect, even his hair grows the way it's suppose to. And he was wearing different clothes too! He wore a white t-shirt (etnies), with a plaid shirt over top, and grey pants with a tinge of blue. I think they were the pants that I�ve always liked. They weren�t as baggy as his other pairs, and they did show off his ass nicely. Anyway, he shows up and no one is here, and he saw the bird uncooked. He told me, "argh, I could have slept in longer!"
He helped Dragan and I out a bit, he made an easy no bake oreo cake. Dragan left to wash his car and Tom and I played Monopoly. I won of course. I had managed to touch Tom's hands tons of times. Of course it totally appeared to be innocent. Dragan came back and we put on the potatoes and then all went downstairs. We started taking pictures, first starting with Dragan and then Tom. I don�t think I got any single pictures of myself. Tom took a picture of Dragan and myself, then I took one with Tom. I should tell you that when Dragan and I took a picture together, I put my arm around Dragan and he did the same. Well, I tried to do the same thing, and Tom pulled away. He didn�t do it harshly, but in a jokingly way. I let go and took the picture. Now, if you�re thinking I ran upstairs to my bedroom and cried, you�re wrong. I waited for about 10 minutes before I did. LOL
I was hurt. I can�t believe Tom didn�t want to hug me. I was reminded that I was the gay one. I felt as though, my hug wasn�t because we were good buddies that spent an evening getting closer, but an invasion of homosexuality. My god I�m a good writer. Hehehe. Anyway, It hurt, and I stay in my room for about a half hour until Rob and his guest showed up.
Rob brought a friend he met at a youth group. His name is Joe. Joe is a pretty cool guy, kind of cute. Dark skinned. I�m not sure what his ethnic background is, but it doesn�t look like as though he�s completely white. Joe is about Dragan's age, but I can�t remember. He�s about 5�9" or so, definitely under 6 feet, and shorter than Rob.
Dragan dragged Tom downstairs while he had another smoke. I stayed upstairs with Rob and Joe. Rob was all over Joe they were hugging and kissing. Well not totally kissing, but a lot of pecks were given. I told Rob that Tom probably wouldn�t be comfortable with the affectionate displaying between the two of them. Rob agreed.
Dinner was finally done and I believe we ate at 5pm. Marshall was too sick to come over, so he missed out. Which kind of sucked, because he was my major guest, other of course other than Tom. Tom sat next to me, Rob and Joe sat across from us and Dragan sat the head of the table. We feed Tom so much potatoes, I can�t believe he ate them all. We had two deserts too! Pecan pie and Oreo cake. Dinner went by smoothly, the conversation was great, I had tons of fun and I totally had blast eating and watching other people enjoy my food.
After dinner, Tom, Rob, Joe and I sat and talked, we must of chatted for about 2 hours afterwards. We drank the entire bottle of Merlot Rob brought with him. I can�t remember what we talked about exactly, but I�m sure you are totally sick of reading, so I won�t go into in-depth detail about it, considering I�m only on Sunday and I�ve got Monday left to go! Rob and Joe left around 8-ish or something. Tom and I did the dishes. Oh, I forgot to mention that Dragan took off to participate in the 4-20 day thing. I guess a bunch of pot heads get together to smoke up in parks on this day. Supposedly it�s the only day you can smoke pot in public without getting arrested. Anyway, Dragan went to go do that.
After washing the dishes, I asked Tom if he wanted to go for a walk, I wanted to walk off all the turkey, at first he said he didn�t want to but then gave in. I wonder why he hesitated. I also wonder what else he wanted to do. Anyway, we ended up going for a walk in the opposite direction from Saturday�s walk. We talked about our family�s, uncle�s, aunt�s family relations. We also talked about trips to the states, and finally ending on folk, or urban legends. We started to talk about music after that, and it was quite an extensive talk on music too. About classes and actual music� like notes, scales, times� stuff like that. Exciting stuff eh? On the way back to my place, we started to talk about Kendrick. I can�t remember what exactly brought him up, but I knew that I wanted to tell Tom that I didn�t think it would be a good idea for him to talk about Kendrick's sexuality. Tom didn�t understand, so from my perspective, I told him that I felt that "if Kendrick were to get comfortable talking to him about himself, and sees that you are totally cool and accepting about it, he may trust you more, and become more comfortable with you. And I don�t think you�re capable of handling those consequences." He wanted an example. So I told him, the worst case scenario that could happen is that Kendrick may become so comfortable with Tom that he may ultimately end up liking him. Tom says, "well that�s not a big deal, I wouldn�t like him". And I tell him, "Of course it wouldn�t bother him, but if he were to like you, and you tell him that your straight, you may end up really hurting him." I think Tom understood. At least I hope he does.
Well from my perspective, Kendrick wouldn�t understand the consequences of his feelings. I appreciate the mistake I�ve made. Yes I love Tom, but deep down, I know this isn�t going anyway. I�ll be able to bounce back. It�ll still be difficult for me, but for Kendrick? I assume he�s a total newbie and I�m sure if he falls in love with Tom, he�ll be wrecked. Anyway, that�s how I feel about it.
We made it back to my place about 2 hours later. It was nearly 11:30pm. Dragan was already there and he told me that I had several messages. So I checked them and my twin brother called while I was out. He wanted to ask me some legal questions. The short version of this story is, is that my brother is having troubles with his newlywed wife. They�ve only been married for 3 years. In the good tradition of private logs, this topic is off limits to my avid readers!
I got off the phone around 12:30am and went into the living room. I was actually afraid that Tom had left while I was on the phone! I would have been heart broken to tell you the truth. But Tom was still there. They weren�t overly nosey about my conversation so we started to play Mario Party. We played a short game that was only 10 turns long. It didn�t last long and we convinced Tom in playing another game. We played a 20 turned game that ended around 3isham. Dragan went to bed and as usually, Tom and I stayed up.
While we were playing Mario Party, Tom and Dragan sat on the couch and I on the recliner. When Dragan went to bed, I moved over to where Dragan was sitting. Tom and I sat and watch TV for about an hour and Tom grabs the blanket on the couch and says: "Well, I�m going to bed now" and lies down. I was surprised, I just laughed. He told me to move, and I patted my lap and said that he could rest his head there, I laughed again. I asked him if he was really sleeping over, he said he was. Then he said "are you happy?" And I said, "Yeah, I think I�m too excited to go to sleep now". And then he jokes back, "Are you going to set up a tripod?" And I laughed back, "No, I�m just going to turn the recliner around and sit there." We both laughed and I got up. I got him a pillow and turned off the light and went to bed. I really was too excited to go to sleep at first. I only slept for four hours.
(Monday) Don�t worry, I�m almost finished. I woke up around 8am. I walked into the living room to see if Tom was still there, I thought maybe he would have gotten up after an hour and left. But he was still there. I walked over to the other side of the living room and watched him sleep for a bit. He looked so cute! Sleeping, lying there, breathing. I watched his chest rise and fall. I angle I was looking from didn�t allow me to see if he sleeps with his mouth open or closed. I grabbed a glass of orange juice and went back to bed. I woke up around 10:30am and started to listen to music. I started to think about Sunday and when Tom didn�t want to put his arm around me. I wanted to tell him that what he did hurt my feelings. So I started to mentally write a letter in my head while I listened to music.
Around 11:45am or so, I got up and checked on Tom again. But this time, I looked from the bedroom hallway. Still innocently sleeping. I decided to wake up Dragan, so I walked into his room and woke him up. He was sleeping the longest out of the three of us. I got on his computer and started to write out the letter I wanted to send off to Tom. I kind of wrote it dramatically, I ended my letter with: "the next time I happen to cross that border, try not to pull away or reject to hastily. And I�ll try to be more mindful of what I do and to stay behind the big plate of glass". See? What did I tell you? Dramatic or what? I sent it off and that was that.
Dragan left right away, he had an appointment to get a haircut and he needed to drive Marshall to and from his new place. So Tom and I sat around and watched TV. I felt kind of awkward. I didn�t know what to do. I think it was because I sent that letter. I ended up taking a shower and started to make some pancakes around 2pmish. Oh, but before I did that, I asked Tom if he was thirsty or anything, but he wasn�t. He didn�t want anything, not even anything to eat. I wonder why? I made the executive decision to feed him anyway, so I made pancakes. Dragan came home just as I was finishing. So we set the table and we all ate together. Dragan was excited, and Tom asked him, "Why are you so excited?" And Dragan says, I�m always excited when someone else does the cooking. And then I look at Tom and tell him, "You know, it wouldn�t hurt for you to show some excitement either!" We just all laughed. After that, Dragan took a shower and we sat and watched a little Jerry Springer until 4pm. Then we all headed downtown. Well actually, Dragan was leaving first, then Tom decided to go, and then I said, well what am I going to do? So I invited myself over to Tom's place.
Dragan was going downtown to pick up some CD�s and we agreed to meet later that evening. Just before Tom and I got off the bus, Dragan looked all sad and said: "Awww, bye you guys". And I told him sympathetically, "We can�t always be together". I said it more for myself, considering I wasn�t going to be with Tom for very long.
We got to Tom's place and it was a mess, he had his clothes lying around. I�m not sure if his boxer�s were lying on the couch or not. I couldn�t tell. I was hoping Tom would take a shower so I could take a quick peek, but he didn�t. He waited to take a shower until after I left. He did go to the bathroom though, but not long enough for me to sniff his boxers! LOL, just kidding. (No I�m not). Anyway, I turn on Tom's computer and his MSN automatically begins to log on and he notices that he has two new messages. And I suddenly remembered the letter I sent earlier that morning. He was about to open it and I asked him to read it after I left. He said he would.
Before we played on his XBOX, we watched some Bike videos. It�s what he�s totally into, so I was patient and watched them. One of the videos had Dream On playing in the background and my eyes started to water. I couldn�t believe it, Tom was sitting behind me, so he didn�t see.
After that, we played HALO, our favourite game. Well, it used to be my favourite. Tom kept on killing me! I was always winning, near the end of the game, I started to pout and I told him that I didn�t want to play because it was no fun losing all the time. And I didn�t like it when he let me win. I was nearly in tears. I didn�t know what was wrong with me. I think he knew something was up, but at least he would get some explanation from the letter I sent him.
I let Tom be around 6:30pm, I know he has an essay he has to write, a 10-12 page essay. And I didn�t want to distract him any further. Which is why I�ve spent all day writing in my log today. I needed something to do from bugging Tom. I don�t want to talk to Tom until he�s finished his essay. I told him to call me when he�s finished. So I have to just sit here and wait. And since I can�t stop thinking about him, I might as well write about him. I�m going to end this one here, I�ve been typing for less than 4 hours� that�s basically 10,000 words an hour. My back is killing me. But I still can�t get Tom out of my head!
