He was purring like a tomcat having his bollocks scratched
He's as happy as a pig in shit
As happy as a dog with two dicks
Innocence
Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers
She was so innocent she thought bollocks were young cows
Interesting
About as interesting as watching a scab form
I've had more fun drinking cough mixture in a launderette
She's about as interesting as yesterdays shit
I've been more interested watching paint dry
Mean
He's as tight as a ducks arse, and that's waterproof
He's tighter than a photo finish
He's tighter than an Italian tenor's trousers
As tight as a camels arse in sand storm
He's so mean that the only way to get a drink out of him is to stick two fingers down his throat
She's so mean that instead of using deodorant she gargles disinfectant and licks her armpits
He's so mean that when he takes a ten pound note from his wallet the Queen blinks in the light
He looks stonier than a biblical execution
She's angrier than a bear with a sore head
As savage as a meat fly
Awkwardness
It was that awkward that I felt like a bastard on Fathers Day
I felt out of place as a pork chop in a synagogue
I felt like a spare prick at a prostitutes wedding
Bored
I'm as bored as a pacifists pistol
This party is as flat a witch's tit
I've seen more life in a tramps vest
Confused
As baffled as Adam on Mothers Day
As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market
As confused as a fart in a perfume factor
Embarrassment
She's gone pinker than a salmon's pink bits
He's as red as an overdrawn account at a blood bank
His face is redder than a smacked bum
Gay
He's as camp as a row of tents
As gay as pink ink
He's as bent as a butchers hook
He's as bent as a nine-bob note
He's as nervous as a turkey at Christmas
She's more nervous than a long tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs
He's so seedy he gets nervous near a bird cage
I'm more nervous than a pig in a bacon factory
Quiet
It is that quiet you cold hear a gnat fart
I've heard a tortoise fart louder
As silent as an angels fart
Sex
As much fun as pushing a marshmallow into a slot machine
Sex with her was as much fun as kicking a sausage through the Albert Hall
Sex with her is like throwing your kitbag on the wash pile
She's as crap a fit as a baguette shoved up the Channel Tunnel
If brevity is the soul of wit, your penis must be a riot
The Venus de Milo gives better hand jobs than she does
His elevator doesn't reach the top floor
He checked out of Hotel Brainy years ago
She's a result shot of a classified round up
She's one tit short of an udder
If he was any more stupid he would photosynthesise in sunlight
He's ten pence short of a pound
She's a dolly mixture short of a quarter
Thicker than a donkey's dangler
She's a pork pie short of a picnic
He's got a rip in his marbles bag
She's gotta tile loose
She hasn't got both hands on the steering wheel
When you look in his eyes you can see that there is no one driving
She's stepped off of the pavement
Lights on, door open, no one at home
Trying to explain something to him is like trying to give a fish a bath
He'll be doing joined up writing next
He's wired up to the moon
She's like the Venus de Milo, very pretty but not all there
He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, in fact, he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words
He's one putt short of a par
If she went to a mind reader they wouldn't bother chargin
She's so ugly that she fakes orgasms when she masturbates
He's so ugly that his parents used to tie a pork chop round his neck just to get the dog to play with him
She's so ugly that if her face was her fortune she would get a tax rebate
He's that ugly that he's living proof that the Indians fucked buffalo
She's so ugly that if she walked into a cornfield the crows would bring back the corn they stole last year
Is that an ugly face or is your neck being sick
She's so ugly that five peeping toms have killed themselves
He looks like a one eyed budgie with a squint
The last time I saw a face like that it had a hook in its mouth
Wimps
He's so soppy he's like a big girls blouse
She's wetter than a fishes swimming costume
As wet as a bottle of piss
Worthless
It's as much worth as a chocolate fireguard
It's so worthless it wouldn't raise a fart at a bring and buy sale