THE BALLAD OF FARSCAPE
(sung to "Secret Agent Man" by Johnny Rivers)
Author: Nick Pollotta
There's a man who lives a life of danger.
He was on Earth,
but wanted someplace stranger.
So...he built a little ship,
and into a wormhole slipped.
Now there's no escape, for the ape, in Farscape.
Secret Earthman, John!
Secret Earthman, John!
Peacekeeper is the name,
but Human is the game.
Microbes in his bloodstream,
let John speak.
The ship's alive,
but break's down every week!
Oh...their force field is a joke,
and the crew is always broke.
High tech, low rent, in outer space.
Secret Earthman, John,
Secret Earthman, John!
He's hunted for a crime,
that he didn't do - this time.
His best friend, D'Argo,
is a warrior true.
Aeryn's hot,
but she's a warrior, too!
Oh...Zhaan is beauty with a brain,
and Rygel's just a pain.
Strangers, with a dream, become a team.
Secret Earthman, John.
Secret Earthman, John!
He just wants to go back,
but its a hole he lacks.
The Uncharted Zone,
is where they have to stay.
With Scorpy hunting them,
along the way!
Oh...the madman is a creep,
into their minds he'll seep.
Hearts, put to the test, hope must fuel their quest,
Secret Earthman, John,
Secret Earthman, John!
Bled, and dead, and wed,
now a chip is in his head.
Pilot flies the ship,
but cannot walk.
Moya IS the ship,
and cannot talk.
Oh...Chiana is brand new,
a bad girl through and through.
But she'll steal your heart, and then your wallet, too.
(offstage voice - "Hey! Where's my ATM card?)
Secret Earthman, John,
Secret Earthman, John!
There's no fun on the run,
But he finally got a gun!
Food is short,
no pizza and no beer.
They fight to live,
and danger's always near!
Oh...the DRDs are armed,
so Moya won't be harmed.
But the substitute, for toothpaste, is what they fear.
Secret Earthman, John.
Secret Earthman, John!
To the stars he went to roam,
(musical bridge)
But now he calls them home.
Secret...Earthman...John....!
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ADDENDUM
The lyrics to the actual "Farscape" TV show theme song
"Ahhh! ohhh!"
The filk version
"Zumzumzum, wee, ohe!!"