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TEN RANDOM SUBJECTS

My thoughts on ten subjects chosen at random by an unbiased outsider...

1. (The) Missouri River - The Rodney Dangerfield of rivers, the Missouri gets no respect. Depending on who you talk to, it is the longest or second-longest river in the United States, and when combined with the Mississippi River (which it drains into) it is the 4th-longest river system in the world! So why the lack of respect? Well, the answer is quite simple. First, while the mighty Mississippi is fun for little kids to try and spell, was once Tom Sawyer's backyard and divides the country neatly in half, the Missouri travels through the vast nothingness between Missouri and Montana. I mean, talk about a boring trip. What do you see along the way, Nebraska? Gross! Second, as mentioned earlier, the Missouri drains into the Mississippi, which basically makes the Missouri River the Mississippi River's bitch. Finally, the main reason no one truly respects the Missouri River is the fact that it's a river, and really, no one ever respects a river until they have nearly drowned in one.

2. emperor penguins - I'm going to be honest with you, I don't know an emperor penguin from a king penguin from a guy dressed in a penguin suit. What I do know, however, is that penguins are insane. By my account, a penguin is the only animal in the world that has feet, but no legs. Oh, and they also have wings, but even so, I would put my money on a human flying before a penguin. There's no way one of those big penguins is getting off the ground. I've heard that penguins only live in the Southern Hemisphere, but I never took the time to verify it. I'm comfortable just knowing that somewhere in the world, there is a large group of hundreds of penguins waddling towards a gigantic ice cliff with their only intention being to fall off the side into some icy cold Arctic water. Let's just leave it at that.

3. paper clips - (One word or two words? I don't know. Two words seems logical, but I could be wrong. Anyways...) Paper clips are perhaps one of the most underrated inventions of all time. I mean, they are used in probably 99.9% of offices worldwide, they are fun to bend into different shapes, and they can be just as effective as staples without the permanency or violence. Oh well, I don't have a lot more to say about paper clips. I just hope the guy that invented them gets a royalty for each paper clip sold.

4. gift certificates - As someone who has been through the process of purchasing a gift on more than one occasion, I think this has to the most inexplicably successful concept ever. I mean, you are giving someone a gift of money, but saying they can only use it in one place. In that way, it's similar to the concept of food stamps. By giving a gift certificate, are you implying that you don't trust how the recipient would spend the gift if it was just cash? Do you think it is somehow more thoughtful if you pick out a place for the person to spend the money? Do you own stock in the company where you are buying the gift certificate from? I mean, I could understand if stores gave discounts on gift certificates, but none that I know of do. You gain nothing by purchasing a gift certificate. How about when the gift certificates are used, and don't return change, but leave a balance on your certificate (or these days, card). So basically, unless you spend the exact amount of the gift, you are forced to spend additional money in the store or sacrifice some of the value of the gift. Simply put, this is an ingenious plan by stores to make money off of unassuming customers. I am calling for a worldwide boycott of gift certificates, effective immediately.

5. Showbiz Pizza - Now known as the rather tame and watered down Chuck E. Cheese, Showbiz Pizza was its superior predecessor, and a favorite destination of kids throughout the world, including myself. Granted, any place with pizza in its name is alright by me, but Showbiz had much more to offer. The atmosphere at Showbiz was electric, it was like a Vegas casino for little kids. First, there was the oxymoronic live robotic band, lead by a piano-playing gorilla. They would even let you go up on stage to meet the band if you came to Showbiz on your birthday. (I must admit though, I was scared as hell of meeting that gorilla up close, and refused to go up on stage for my birthday. I believe I hid under a table.) Next, there was the gigantic ball pit which I believe I saw a kid almost drown in one time, effectively convincing me that that thing was a bottomless pit for many years. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, there were Skiball machines, and I'm not talking about the miniaturized versions they have in Chuck E. Cheese these days (not that I would now, right?), these were the real thing. Every Showbiz came equipped with Skiball machines wall-to-wall, where kids could roll/throw balls up that ramp to win tickets and a chance at purchasing some of the worst prizes ever invented. Quite simply, for every 5-11 year old child, Showbiz Pizza was the greatest place in the world. It probably wasn't the cleanest place in the world though.

6. Chip N Dales Rescue Rangers

7. basset hounds

8. landfills

9. (The) Black Sea

10. (The) X-Games

THE CHRIS KENNA CELEBRITY PLAYLIST

Ignore the fact that I am not a celebrity and enjoy this minimal update to my website...

1. Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg - Nuthin But A G Thang
Still my favorite song of all time. I could explain further, but I think it should be quite obvious why. I mean, it's basically the story of my life in song form.
2. Gipsy Kings - Volare
I think this band is French, but the song is in either Italian or Spanish. That is neither here nor there though. Check it out, and I think you will enjoy it.
3. Kanye West - Gone
Kanye has a wide selection of excellent music to choose from, but this is my personal favorite.
4. Mobb Deep - Shook Ones Pt. II
Don't get this confused with part I, which isn't nearly as good
5. Outkast - So Fresh, So Clean
How do you even describe a song like this...I suppose the title does all the work for you on this one.
6a. When In Rome - The Promise
6b. Erasure - Respect
Co-winners of the 80's music category. Both catchy and uplifting in their own right, I found it impossible to include one and not the other.
7a. OAR - About An Hour Ago (Live)
7b. Dave Matthews - Say Goodbye (Live)
If you went to college within the last 10 years, there is a good chance that you heard these two artists on a daily basis. Some of it sticks with you.
8. soulDecision - Faded
For my money, the best boy band song of all time. Take that as you will.
9. The Roots - What They Do
I could listen to The Roots for hours at a time. I think this song is pretty representative of their material.
10. Guns N Roses - Sweet Child O Mine
November Rain, Welcome To The Jungle and Paradise City are all great, but to me, this is the definitive Guns N Roses song. It only gets better as it ages.
11. Jack Johnson - Broken
You gotta throw in a little Jack Johnson here and there to chill things out a bit. Many of his songs are interchangeable and enjoyable.
12. Fatboy Slim - Right Here, Right Now
A good pump-up song. I think this song could be suitable for use in an opening montage for just about any sporting event.
13. Jay-Z - What More Can I Say?
No playlist is complete without some Jay-Z. This is as good a choice as any.
14. Roxette - It Must Have Been Love
Often overlooked and forgotten in the world of pop music, Roxette was ahead of its time.
15a. 2Pac - I Get Around
15b. Notorious BIG - Big Poppa
Not much that I can say about these songs, except that the playlist is certainly not complete without these two staples from the godfathers of rap.

THE CHRIS KENNA 2005 YEAR-END DRUNKENNESS REVIEW

Featuring what I consider to be my 3 most entertaining/memorable drunken incidents of the year...

THE CANDLE INCIDENT
We had been at a BBQ all day in the 90 degree sun, enjoying some cold beverages. At one point, I had engaged in conversation with a young lady who, it turned out, was a 2nd grade teacher (or thereabouts.) I told her I had considered going into that field because I imagined I would be pretty good at it. She asked what made me think I was cut out for it. I told her that "I already know all that stuff." That effectively ended that conversation. Later, I ended up at a local bar where, upon realizing I was much too drunk to continue drinking, I poured the remainder of my glass of beer into a candle on one of the tables, and when inquired about this action by a bouncer, pretended to be on my cell phone and told him to come back in 5 minutes, as it was a very important call. As he began to clean up, I proceeded to run out the door and never look back.

THE NACHOS INCIDENT
I started with one very strong rum & sprite, then enjoyed a Sparks alcoholic energy drink at my apartment before heading out. I was then fed 2 or 3 light beers and numerous free Jager-bombs at a random apartment. I was feeling it. The caffeine and alcohol in my system were beginning to take their toll. I was soon insisting, incorrectly, that Slick Rick was a key member of 80's rap supergroup Digital Underground. All this occurred before I made perhaps my most erroneous drinking decision since the infamous box-of-wine race of '03. Overly confident in my drinking ability, I pulled out the 24oz. can of Camo xxXxx Silver Ice (see awards section below for further details) I had purchased earlier that evening at the local 7-11. Despite getting drunker by the moment, I can still recall the horrible taste of this absurdly strong 9.0% alcohol by volume malt beverage. I finished it, and we headed off to the bar. Last thing I remember, I gave some girl $20, and asked her to buy me 3 drinks of her choice. Next thing I remember, I wake up in my bed, look at the clock which reads 6:30am, notice I have all my clothes and my shoes still on, check the numerous outgoing calls on my cell phone from the previous night, then notice a plastic bag containing an unopened container of Super Nachos from local Mexican restaurant La Bamba still sitting at my side. How I managed to maintain the composure to purchase those nachos remains to me, the greatest mystery of my life.

THE DOOR INCIDENT
The scene was the Burwood Tap. The pitchers must have been on a great deal, as I remember spending a large portion of the night walking around with one in my hand. Anyways, the real fun didn't begin until we left the bar. After some debate, me and Mr. Dan Clarin had decided to exit the bar and venture down to the local hot dog stand. Unfortunately, my drunken state had caused me to leave the bar without my coat despite it being rather cold.. After walking about 2 blocks, I suddenly realized that I was getting frostbit. However, I was in no mood to walk back 2 blocks to get my coat, so I figured I could return tomorrow to find it...until I realized that the keys to my apartment were in the pocket. I knew I had to go back or wind up sleeping on the streets that night. I immediately hailed down a taxi and ordered him to drive me back the 2 blocks to the bar. Once we arrived, I told the driver to wait, although I had no plans of ever returning. I ran inside, but the coat was not where I had left it (or at least where I thought I had left it.) I asked the girls we had been at the bar with if they had seen my coat...no luck. I searched the entire bar, asked the bouncers, the bartenders, the bums standing outside...but the coat, and the keys, were nowhere to be found. As we walked outside (trying to avoid eye contact with the cabbie, which didn't work as I ended up giving him his $3), I started thinking of a good alley to sleep in for the night when my cell phone began ringing. It was Mr. Clarin. As you read the following conversation, keep in mind that both parties involved were extremely intoxicated.

Clarin: Hey, I'm in your building.

Me: What?! Did you steal my coat, you son of a bitch?!?

Clarin: No, I went up the fire escape, but the door to your apartment's locked.

Me: Okay, I guess we can sleep on the floor up there or something.

Clarin: Should I break the door down?

Me (I started thinking really hard at this point, then gave up): Uhhhh, yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Clarin: Okay, I'll call you back.

The girls we had been with said we could find a place to sleep at their apartment. For a minute, I thought maybe that would be the best option. Before I could react, however, my phone rang again. I answered, and this was all I heard.

Clarin: Okay, I'm in. <click> <dialtone........>

I turned to the girls, said "Okay, I gotta go..." and took off. As I arrived at my building, I ran up the hazardous fire escape stairs and into the building. Sure enough, as I came to my apartment, I noticed the severely damaged door was open, and entered to find Mr. Clarin passed out on the couch, almost as if he had broken the door down and immediately fallen asleep. The saga was over. The coat, it turned out, had been taken for safekeeping by another member of our party when she realized that I had left without it. (It should also probably be noted that I nearly left the coat at the previous bar we had been at.) Perhaps most amazingly of all, I would go nearly 3 months without getting that door and all it's busted/no longer existing locks fixed. Surely one of the crazier 3 month periods of my life.

MORE DRUNKEN MOMENTS OF 2005
- Getting a hug from a bum
- Getting tossed from a bar by a 5'2" midget for throwing onions over a balcony on to someone's old pizza
- Giving a bum a hot dog (and thus, angerinng the bum, who apparently did not want a hot dog)
- Wearing BluBlockers to the bar on numerouus occasions
- Being called "The Real Jack Tripper&" by a hot dog stand employee
- Forming a gang with several Mexicans whille eating pizza after a night out at the bars (which they decided, in honor of my coat, would be called "The North Face")
- Getting 2 free packs of Marlboro Lights ffor answering a simple survey (no, I don't smoke)
- Offering $300+ in cash to a very angry reestaurant manager to go in the kitchen of a Hershey, PA bar while attending a wedding
- Getting on the microphone at another weddding to introduce myself and stating I was from Wyoming and just there to meet girls
- Spending a good 15 minutes discussing my days at Illinois State with a fellow alum on the El after the World's BIGGEST Block Party (no, I didn't go to Illinois State...yes, the block party was pretty big)
- Getting off that same El ride and yellingg at an unsuspecting young man, "It's Harry Potter!" He looked just like him.
- Getting tackled over a very small fence bby a girl, and nearly tearing both ACL's but suffering only severe bruises instead.

AWARDS
Caffeinated alcoholic beverage of the year: Sparks
Cheap beer of the year: Stroh's Light, for the 8th straight year
Kick your ass malt liquor of the year: Camo xxXxx (drink at your own risk!)

MORAL OF THE STORY
I should really cut back on the alcohol intake in 2006. I'm getting too old for this kinda stuff...

TOP 4 INJURIES OF ALL-TIME

I would do more, but these are the only good ones I can remember

4. Cut on hand - It was my second day of college track practice. We were just about 5 minutes into a 90 minute run. We were running on a trail in the George Washington National Forest, and the terrain was somewhat less flat than what I was used to back in IL. I thought I could handle it, but then all of a sudden, the next thing I know, I tripped on a tree stump, my hand hit what must have been a particularly jagged rock, and there is a big cut bleeding profusely right in the middle of my palm. I wiped it off on my shorts and kept running. The pain of running 90 minutes was so overwhelming, I didn't really notice the cut again until the end, but it was pretty bad. There was quite a bit of blood on my shorts, and I still have a pretty awesome scar.

3. Severely sprained ankle - This one occurred about 2 weeks before Christmas break during my sophomore year of college. Me and a couple roommates were playing basketball. I always played wearing running shoes, so ankle support levels were not high. Anyways, I was dominating as usual, dropping threes, throwing down some nasty oops, dishing out no-look passes this way and that. I think my team was winning about 10-0 in a game to 11, and I decided to jump over my friend and throw down a reverse dunk to close it out. Unfortunately, as I was coming down (while beginning to celebrate) I landed on another guy's foot, and severely twisted my ankle. This was easily the most painful injury I have had...I don't remember how I made it home because I couldn't walk. That thing was swollen up for a good 4-5 weeks though.

2. Black eye from being hit with baseball - It was the day of the first game for my 13 year-old traveling team. We were taking batting practice, and I was hitting bombs all over the park. I could tell that the coach throwing batting practice was not all that pleased, so I hit a line shot back through the middle that nearly took his head off. Well, that didn't do anything to help the situation, and next pitch he throws directly at my head. Fortunately, I was able to duck out of the way just in time. Unfortunately, the ball caromed off my bat directly into my right eye. I thought about charging the mound, but my eye was so swollen up, I couldn't see anything out of the one side, and lacked depth perception. It was a pretty awesome black eye, and it was swollen almost completely shut for a good week or so. I looked pretty aweseome.

1. Cut on head requiring 3 staples - Near the end of my freshman year, a group of guys on my floor in my dorm had a few cold beverages and decided to have some makeshift wrestling-type contests in the narrow hallways with walls made of solid brick. Anyways, I wasn't drinking this particular night for some reason, but I decided to check out the action. Things were fine for a while, but then two of my friends were going at it pretty good, and I started to step in to restore order. I dropped 'em both with piledrivers, and they decided to attack me 2 on 1. I was handling it no problem, until another guy we liked to call "Puerto Rican 'Stache" came from the back and pushed both of these guys into me, and we fell directly back into the corner of the brick wall. To be honest, I didn't really feel it, but I my instincts told me I had hit the wall pretty hard, and I reached back and saw some blood. I was pretty mad, because it was getting all over my hair. Anyways, I started yelling, but no one would take me to the hospital due to the high amount of blood (and their alcohol intake), so they decided to call an ambulance. I went to the hospital, had 3 staples placed over the cut to close it up, and went on my way. The pain was surprisingly minimal, and I even went to track practice the next day. If you ever want to see pictures of this injury, I have some pretty good ones, just let me know.

Top Songs of 2005

If you don't like mine, make your own list. Usually, I can come up with a top 25, but music just wasn't getting it done this year. If you didn't know, my main musical interests this year were any type of music produced or recorded by Mr. Kanye West and a variety of cheesy pop radio hits. Bands that weren't getting it done for me in '05 include: The Black Eyed Peas, Gwen Stefani and Fallout Boy. Hopefully 2006 will produce a wider variety of music that I can enjoy.