By: Keleshnar
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don�t own any of the characters you recognize, I�m just borrowing them and not making any money off this.
Summary: What if when Vulcan females go through Pon Farr, they not only have to mate, but they also have to conceive?
A/N: Please enjoy, and post reviews at the CAVe. I�d appreciate any feedback.
Chapter 1: Curses
It was ironic, she reflected, that one of the things that had saved her race from extinction was a curse to her now. Thousands of centuries of Vulcan females had gone through this exact same thing, this Pon Farr. And thousands of those females had born children � or if they couldn�t, they died. It was a very effective way of keeping the race alive and was one reason that they managed to evolve so much. If a female couldn�t breed, she died during her first Pon Farr. If a male couldn�t breed, his sterile genes weren�t passed on to the next generation.
The one thing she was glad of - no, not glad, she corrected herself, gladness was an emotion - the one thing she was fortunate didn�t happen was that the chemically induced Pon Farr from that planet wasn�t like the true Pon Farr, because the man she would have preferred to choose, had she needed to, wasn�t available to her at that time. Except she needed him now, or very soon. She only hoped, for once in her life, that Humans and Vulcans could produce a child, because she did not want to die.
Her mind registered that hope was and an emotion, but she let it slide this time, knowing she was more prone to emotions in her present state. As she sat on the floor in her cabin in her nightclothes, T�Pol tried to meditate yet again. The little it had accomplished before was slipping away.
When she had first felt the symptoms of Pon Farr - less control, more emotion � she went to visit Dr. Phlox. The chemically induced Pon Farr evidently had altered her cycle, because it was still too early for her to be going through this, but not dangerously early. When she had told the doctor that, she had almost laughed - it certainly was dangerous, but for a different reason. After that near outburst, she had resolved to meditate much more, and it had also struck her how serious her condition was for the first time.
The doctor had not heard of the second, yet very important, part of female Pon Farr, which didn�t surprise T�Pol - it was one of the many things that Vulcans kept to themselves (the first part being mate or die). She had had to inform him of the �how and why� about this particular aspect of the Vulcan mating ritual. She had told him, �It has been a key evolutionary aspect � during the first Pon Farr of a females life, she has to conceive a child in approximately two weeks or she dies. Obviously, this keeps the Vulcan race alive,� she had paused uncomfortably after this part, because she knew that Phlox had every right and need to know more about it, but it was private, �If by the end of the first week a woman has not conceived, a doctor tries the equivalent of an in vitro fertilization and other techniques until either she is pregnant or dead. After the first Pon Farr, women don�t necessarily have to become pregnant, but many still do for three or so cycles more.�
Dr. Phlox had then asked why some Vulcans still didn�t have children, and she had replied, �If a woman and her bondmate do not wish to keep the child, it is aborted, but usually only for special reasons.�
Unfortunately, Phlox had caught the part about a bondmate, and gave her a look that showed he understood. She looked down to hide her feelings that were surfacing, knowing that he had figured out that she had foregone the bonding ritual to stay on Enterprise, and if she hadn�t, there would be no problem now. Dr. Phlox had given her orders to stay in her cabin for the next two days, thinking the rest would help her, and possibly give her time to find a solution before the Pon Farr gave her its own solution.
So that was where she was now, cursing her Vulcan inheritance. She knew that she�d have to do something soon because she could feel the full heat starting to kick in.
When the time traveler had been found to have many species� DNA, including Vulcan and Human, T�Pol had dismissed the thought immediately as irrational, even though the evidence was right there in front of her. She realized that she might have to start believing in time travel very soon. She blew out her meditation candle, placed it on its shelf and climbed into her bunk to get some rest. As she quieted down her emotions and started to drift to sleep she hoped that she would find out whether Human and Vulcan children would have pointed ears.
Chapter 2: Changes
Phlox was worried. For once, he had no power at all over a patient�s condition. When T�pol had come to him for help, there was nothing he could do but give her a mild sedative and give her cabin leave for a few days. He hoped that she would act soon and that it would work because he didn�t want to lose a friend and fellow alien onboard the Human ship.
He had, as demanded by protocol, told the Captain about T�pol�s need for a medical �leave of absence�, but had left out the specifics of why, saying that T�pol had come down with a flu that could become troublesome if it spread around the ship. Of course Archer had granted T�pol the rest without question; he trusted his doctor fully. Phlox was slightly worried, however, about how closely Captain Archer might try to �monitor� T�pol�s condition � he didn�t want anything to happen that someone regretted.
* * * * *
Jonathan Archer looked at the chronometer next to his computer � 17:34. The Beta Shift was on, and he didn�t have anything to do. Actually, there was plenty for him to do, but he really wasn�t in the mood to do work. He went through the PADDs on his desk, scattering them around and making a mess. He got to one particular PADD and started to read � it was another of Malcolm Reed�s request to improve security, which the Lieutenant had started to file again since they had been in the Delphic region. The requests were quite validated, and Archer put a �note to self� in his head to fully read them over later. �Yes, definitely later� he thought.
As Jon leaned back in his chair, his mind flitted to T�Pol, �I wonder how she�s doing with that flu?� To find out his answer, he keyed in T�Pol�s code into the comm on the side of the wall
�Archer to T�Pol,� If he had known that his actions could have impacted her so significantly, he probably would not have commed her.
�T�Pol here,� she responded warily. Jon was surprised to hear the emotion in her voice, but dismissed it as an effect of the comm.
�Uh, I was just calling to see how your flu�s coming along. So how�re you feeling?� At this question, T�Pol hesitated in responding. For once, she didn�t even think of telling him �Vulcans don�t feel.� She couldn�t tell the whole truth to him, but she didn�t want to downright lie.
�Tired,� she finally responded. �Tired of the emotions, tired of the constant worrying, tired of the loss of control�� she added on in her mind.
�Sorry to disturb your sick leave, but have you had a chance to look at the scans I sent you?� They had been orbiting a class M planet and Ensign Lear had taken scans of the atmosphere and geography. It had been weird not having T�Pol at her station for the past two days � he actually had to tell the Ensign that had taken her place to do specific scans as opposed to them already being done when he thought to ask, as they would have been with T�Pol. He had missed her reassuring presence, surprisingly enough.
�Yes, I glanced at them. Quite a funny contrast.� �Glanced, funny? Am I talking to T�Pol?� Jon thought, �Maybe what I heard before wasn�t the comms��
�Um, sure. Hope you feel better soon. Archer out.�
As the comm cut off, T�Pol had two things in her mind � feeling better and the planet. She hoped she would get well soon also, though it was a little more complicated than he though. In the last day, her symptoms had progressed to the point where she would be hard pressed to control herself around any male that she was even slightly attracted to. This sentiment made her worry what would happen if she was �checked up on� by Jonathan, no � the Captain, she corrected herself. She did not call him Jonathan often, and the unconscious use of it now worried her even more.
Thinking about the scans of the planet, T�Pol picked up the PADD that she had transferred the information to. The light from the screen lit up her face in an eerie glow since the lights in her room were turned down almost all of the way. It was a planet with high temperatures, and the environments were primarily rainforests and deserts. The contradiction made it an interesting phenomenon. While half of the planet was dry and harsh, the other half was steamy and teeming with life and energy. It was almost like having Vulcan, Risa, and parts of Earth all rolled into the same planet.
* * * * *
�Beep!�
The door panel roused her from her thoughts. She knew that it would be Phlox with food, since he was the only one allowed near her while she was sick with the �flu� that was, quoting Phlox, �Possibly highly contagious for humans.� The thought of food made her stomach gurgle loudly as she opened up her door, the bright light from the corridor blinding her eyes for a second, and took the dished meal from Phlox without a word of greeting or thanks and dug right in with her hands.
�Good afternoon to you too, Sub-Commander. I see that your Pon Farr is progressing normally. I�ll come get the dishes in a half an hour and give you your sedative to help with the symptoms.� With that, Dr. Phlox left the newly savage Vulcan to her meal.
* * * * *
When the door chimed again twenty minutes after T�Pol had gotten her food, she answered it, but was surprised at the timing � the Doctor was usually punctual. When the Captain stood there holding a hypospray instead of Dr. Phlox, there wasn�t time for the emotion of alarm to register within her before the desire pushed it away. Jon was startled in the change in her eyes and demeanor and took a step back, but then his own instincts kicked in and he was drawn to her, the undelivered hypospray dropping from his hand.
As the door slid shut behind them, the two officers crashed onto the small bunk, their lips finding each other in a searing kiss. After they both came up gasping for air, Jon stood up as if realizing where he was and looked around, his eyes landing on T�Pol. She was sitting on the bunk, staring up at him, the passion in her eyes smoldering and uninhibited. Jon looked into her eyes and said rhetorically, �I�m guessing you don�t actually have the flu.�
In one fluid motion, T�Pol stood up in front of him, their bodies a mere inch apart. They could both feel the heat radiating from each other, and Jon suddenly felt all of his blood go southward. They both watched as T�Pol reached out to Jon, almost in slow motion, trying hard to control herself long enough to explain the circumstances somewhat. When she had seen him in her doorway, she had finally accepted in her mind what she had been feeling for longer than she wanted to admit - there was only man who would do. Still, she would not be able to live with herself if she pulled him in without him first realizing the circumstances and accepting them, even if this treatment with him worked. She knew he wanted this also, she had noticed the signs of it - mostly because she was doing the same things. �The Pon Farr�� she managed to get out before she succumbed to her desire to touch him. Jon had heard of that term somewhere, but the details escaped his highly distracted mind at the moment.
They were both momentarily shocked by the electricity of their first touch. Then her hands roved over his body � his hair, his neck, his back, his buttocks � sending sparks all through him. He kissed her on her mouth, then moved up her cheekbone to her ear tips, down her neck and along her collarbone. T�Pol began to shudder from all of the wonderful bombardments on her senses, running her hand through the nape of his hair. As she began to pull both of them down on her bunk once again, she whispered, �Help me.� They tumbled onto the bed and began to tear off their clothes, the Vulcan�s desire fueling the Human�s. In those few precious moments, their relationship had changed forever.
* * * * *
As it turned out, the doctor had gotten caught up with new patients from a small accident in the mess hall, and when he had tried to protest their sudden oncoming by saying T�Pol was expecting him for a hypospray, Jon, who had helped to escort the injured to sick bay, took it from him before the Doctor could say another word. Now, as Phlox finished tending his more critical patients and went on to the others, a small worry formed in the back of his head about his supposed �slip of the tongue� about the hypospray, but he thought he had made the best choice where his patient was concerned.
He remembered his conversation with T�Pol after the Captain had called to ask how she was. She had mentioned that she was worried that word might get out, but mostly what to do because she could feel the symptoms progress. He had immediately sensed from her body language that Archer heightened her heat and would definitely be the best choice because of their mutual feelings, which he�d seen growing in the two years that they�d known each other. She was oblivious to these feelings except in her subconscious, though he had realized them and kept them at bay for fear of both the general reaction and his work morals. They worked well together, trusted each other, and usually wholly supported one another. With these reassurances in mind, he shifted his focus back onto his patients, not even thinking of the two now lovers drifting off to sleep.
Chapter 3: The Conversation
T�Pol awoke on her side, Jonathan�s arm draped over her, his hand cradling her flat stomach. This action made her realize that by the next week, her flat stomach would either be on its way to becoming round or it wouldn�t exist at all. She hoped that the two of them would be able to be in this pose again when she was pregnant. Of course, that thought was immediately revoked as �illogical�, but it still was filed away in her memory. She was finding that she liked the idea of having a child more, especially in moments like this.
T�Pol felt more like her old self now, since the hormones had leveled off for the time being with their first release. She didn�t want to move too much and wake Jonathan, who was sleeping peacefully, unaware of her partial internal struggle. Now that they had mated the first time, she wanted to continue with him, rather than another crewmember. That wasn�t the only reason she wanted him, but it would still keep things simpler. But she wasn�t sure how he�d react to being told that he was needed as her mate for the rest of his life. It could go either really well or really badly, T�Pol mused, but not very far in the middle. She was almost positive that she would need some hormone therapy or something similar from Phlox to be able to conceive, and she wanted Jonathan to be there with her and for her.
Jon started to wake up slightly, and when he realized where he was � and the fact that he hadn�t been kicked out yet � he figured that things might actually work out after last night. He recognized that he and the Sub-Commander would not be able to go back to what they had before yesterday, but he wasn�t sure he wanted to. He reached his head forward and nuzzled T�Pol�s neck and soft hair with his nose. This action made her shiver involuntarily, and he pulled her closer as a natural reaction, making her shiver again.
They just lay there, a peaceful couple for now, enjoying the warmth of each others bodies before the inevitable came � the conversation. T�Pol moved first, turning from one side to the other so that she now faced Jonathan and not the rest of her quarters. T�Pol gazed deeply into Jon�s eyes, and he tried very hard to convey lots of caring, honesty, and trust through to her. It worked, because she found the strength to speak.
�Jonathan�� she started, and Jon waited for her to go on, �I am sorry that I could not fully explain the circumstances last night.� This sounded a lot like her saying she was sorry their encounter happened, but she wasn�t running away, not yet, and Jon hoped to keep it that way. He sensed that she was having conflicting feelings where one side of her wanted to run away and pretend nothing ever happened, and the other side wanted to embrace their new relationship fully and publicly. Actually, she had decided on somewhere in between � to continue the relationship outside of duty and to let others, as well as themselves, adjust gradually. With this newfound decision, T�Pol realized what she needed to tell Jonathan � the whole truth, and what she hoped to come out of it.
Before she went on, she sat up, her legs hanging off the side of the bed facing her bathroom, and motioned for Jon to do the same, �This may not make sense until you have heard the full explanation, so please do not interrupt me,� and with a final pause and breath, she began,
�When you were kidnapped by Skalaar, I did not pick up a virus from the planet like the medical report said,� Jon remembered reading it; Trip and Malcolm had said that the virus had affected T�Pol very strangely, �The what you would call a �bug� I did pick up, though, falsely and chemically induced the Vulcan mating cycle of Pon Farr. Do you know what Pon Farr is, Jonathan?�
Her use of his first name, multiple times, pleased him very much, since he�d been trying to convince her to call him that when off-duty. But also, the term �Pon Farr� rang a bell in his head, and he remembered the night before, when she�d uttered the term, but he hadn�t been able to place it with its definition. He did not have that problem now, however, and remembered the little he knew about it, �Yes, vaguely. It�s, like you said, the Vulcan mating cycle that all� sexually mature Vulcans go through every once in a while.� She was surprised of his knowledge � most humans had never even heard of it � but didn�t show it.
�You are correct. Vulcans go through it every seven years. For the males it usually only takes three or four releases to �get over� it, for females it can take that long or longer. The chemicals must have had prolonged effects, because I have prematurely entered Pon Farr.� At this point she paused, stood up, and put on her discarded pajamas. Jon felt somewhat embarrassed about watching her, so he looked away after a minute, picked up, and put on his Starfleet issue blue boxers. After she was through, T�Pol stood there, mimicking their positions the night before, only they�d switched places, �Pon Farr is deadly if the hormones are not released� sexually,� At this, Jon�s eyes got wider. �Normally, one�s bond mate is the obvious partner of choice, but since I�m on Enterprise and I don�t have one� I needed to copulate with a human. I was expecting Dr. Phlox when you came instead � he was going to pick up my dinner dishes.� She pointed to the dished on a tray, still in a corner on the floor.
�I would not have opened the door otherwise. Now, though, I am relieved that you were there so I did not have to go through the awkward process of choosing � and I probably would have chosen you anyway.� She paused again, partially embarrassed at admitting that rather personal fact � she almost mumbled the last sentence, and she�d rushed through saying it. She still was, illogically, she noted, avoiding the second part about her Pon Farr.
�Jon took this pause as a place for him to speak, �You seem more, well, normal now than you did last night.� He was still partially shocked about the �must mate or die� portion, and would be more shocked soon, but he was just pondering it in his head, since there wasn�t really anything else to say about it. He was thrilled, though, that she had accepted him � and vocally expressed that she had and would probably again, if the need arose. Now that she�d admitted it, he could also finally admit to himself that he�d wanted her for a while now.
�I will become more irrational again as the hormones become more unbalanced. Jonathan - � there was an urgency in her voice, like she needed to tell him something, �My Pon Farr might be longer this cycle. The reason females can have longer Pon Farr is because for the first cycle, and a few after the first, we also have to become pregnant. It is my first Pon Farr. It is slowed by sexual encounters, but if I do not conceive in the next nine days, I will die. The hormones build up, and at a certain point they overload the brain and cause its functions to cease.� Telling of her possible painful demise was nauseating to T�Pol, but she still stood there, staring into Jon�s hazel eyes, willing him to understand the direness of her situation and to come to a decision, hopefully the one that would be easier on her, and the one she would prefer.
As they were locked into their reverie, the door chime rang. They both reluctantly tore their gazes away from each other, to the door, and back. T�Pol knew it would only be the Doctor, and went to the access panel to open up the door while Jon went and hid under her covers so Phlox wouldn�t see him. It was a very human and illogical thing to do, T�Pol thought, since the Doctor firstly wouldn�t object to Jon�s being there, and secondly would be able to tell anyway if he was or had been there by her state. Even so, she still saw why he did it � if she was in his position, she probably would have done the same thing out of the embarrassment of being caught, though she immediately attributed that thought to prolonged Human exposure and the hormones.
She opened the door, and the Doctor was indeed there, and with two trays in his hands, �Good morning, Sub-Commander. Ah, yes, I�ll trade you those used dishes for these new ones.� Phlox said as he saw the tray in the corner. T�Pol gave him her dinner dishes, and as she took the breakfast trays and set them down, she smelled the distinctive smell of that human breakfast meat � bacon. Yes, the Doctor definitely knew Jonathan was there.
�How are you feeling today?� Phlox queried.
�Better,� she stated simply. He already knew, anyway, so it wasn�t any use lying about her improved condition. Phlox spotted the unused hypospray still on the floor and picked it up, making T�Pol notice it for the first time.
�Hmm. You never used the hypospray, though I doubt you really needed it.� At that comment-left-hanging, T�Pol felt her ears flush. Now the Doctor turned his attention and gaze to her bed where Jonathan was under the covers.
�And how are you, Captain?� This query caused Jon to sheepishly rustle around and poke his head out from underneath the covers.
�Fine, uh, thanks.� Phlox once again turned his attention to T�Pol, and asked her very seriously,
�Did you discuss�� he said, leaving the comment open-ended, but glancing at Jon. T�Pol was surprised, though pleasantly, when Jon replied for her,
�I haven�t left yet, have I?� That statement basically said it all. T�Pol was very glad that he�d chosen to stay, and so was the doctor, evidently, because he let out one of his big smiles.
�Good. I�ll inform the bridge that �the Captain seems to have picked up a slight flu also, and needs his rest for the next few days, and not to disturb him.� And I�ll get all of you comunica�s directed to me so I can give them to you.�
�And that Malcolm has the bridge until I get back. Thanks, Doc.�
�Of course, of course. Nothing at all,� He actually seemed quite pleased to be participating in this �scheme� of theirs.
�And Doctor,� T�Pol�s voice stopped Phlox�s movement out of her cabin. He partially turned around to listen to her final words, �When should I, or we, perhaps, stop by to get the fertility treatments?�
�Hmm, the time when sickbay is almost always deserted is between 0530 and 0600. You�ll have to come tomorrow. I�ll bring by your meals at regular hours,� meaning he didn�t want to interrupt anything � Jon felt his face flush and thought he saw T�Pol�s ears do the same, �So I guess I�ll just see you tomorrow morning. Have a good day Captain, Sub-Commander.� Was it just Jon, or did that last comment seem to have a �wink wink, nudge nudge� edge to it? Again, he couldn�t help the small flush on his cheeks that didn�t seem to want to go away. Ah, his Doctor.
* * * * *
Jon sat next to T�Pol on her bed, both of them eating in a contented silence. After a few minutes a part of their earlier conversation came to his mind, and he couldn�t help but lightly tease her, �I thought Vulcans don�t believe in interspecies breeding.�
T�Pol responded very seriously, like she�d been thinking hard about the subject, �They don�t, but I have changed my view. After all, there was proof.� She was referring to the body that had been found in the ship from the future. Jon thought it interesting that he�d pointed out that exact fact to her then and she�d disregarded it, but then he remembered that her survival relied on his view being the correct one � that Humans and Vulcans can indeed produce offspring � and he figured she�d be willing to at least reconsider her view to survive. The thought of her impending death gave him a mental shiver. He also remembered something in particular that he�d said to T�Pol when they were investigating the future ship, making his views on �them� as a couple quite clear, even if she ignored them, or at least mostly. He had tried to forget he�d actually phrased it that was. He�d said, �So, do you think we can have children?� He�d meant, partially, Humans and Vulcans, and he�d later clarified, embarrassed. Jon figured that they�d find out the answer to both of those questions soon.
Turning towards him suddenly, T�Pol hit on an important topic, �Jonathan, if we do have a child � and I am assuming you wouldn�t want an abortion � it will be a total outcast. He or She would not fit in either Vulcan or Human societies or culture, thought the child could learn about and be exposed to both cultures. What type of life would that be?�
�It�s interesting that a Vulcan would be arguing about morality and ethics, but I see your point,� Jon replied. She was talking about her possible future child, after all. He�d actually be even more surprised if she didn�t show any feelings on that subject. He paused a moment in though, then continued, �And no I wouldn�t like you to have an abortion, though it�s ultimately your choice. I think it�s worth it to have this child, though. First of all, it is the only way to save you, and anything is worth that.� Jon decided to try to play to her strong point � logic. T�Pol also saw his sincerity, as well as his rationality, in his words, �Second, it�d be good for the galaxy to have a human and Vulcan child � it might bring several species closer. And third, any child that has loving and supporting parents turns out pretty well � I firmly believe that. We�ll just tackle any obstacle together, all three of us.�
�What about the crew? Not all of them will accept this child if it is conceived. I suspect many of the senior officers will readily accept him or her, but most of the rest of the crew might not. Not all of them have changed their views of Vulcans the way you have.� They both remembered how Jonathan had hated Vulcans most of his life, and at the beginning of Enterprise�s voyage, too.
�We�ll tackle those problems together, T�Pol. We�ll tackle them together.� It was all he could say truthfully, and the couple finished their meals together in a peaceful yet laden silence.
Chapter 4: Surprises
They lay there on T�Pol�s bed, facing each other and just holding one another, waiting for T�Pol�s Pon Farr to fully kick in again. Jon glanced over T�Pol�s shoulder to the chronometer on her desk � 0913. Dr. Phlox wouldn�t be back to give them lunch for another three hours because he�d brought them their breakfast about an hour earlier. Jon hoped that T�Pol�s hormones would either speed up or slow down a lot � he didn�t want to be interrupted. As he turned his attention back to his gorgeous mate, he found her gazing at him, watching lovingly. This sight was so beautiful to his eyes that he sighed contentedly and smiled. His next words just popped out of his mouth, and though he wasn�t surprised of them, he was surprised he said them, at least this early,
�I think I live you, T�Pol,� he knew, and so did she, that he meant it. He�d felt that way, to a lesser degree though, for a while.
�Love is an emotion, Jonathan,� her coy response was so precisely that � her � that it made him chuckle, and in response, she almost half-smiled. It was a start, and all that he expected of her at this time. She was even newer to this kind of thing than he was, and he gave her the benefit of the doubt � she had chosen and accepted him, after all. That counted for something.
He leaned forward and kissed her eyes in a loving, comforting way. He then turned to her ears and began to lightly nibble up their sides until he was at their distinctive point. She almost felt euphoric.
�Jonathan� Oh, that is nice!� he had totally changed her train of thought with his kisses and caresses, moving from her face down her neck, and below. Once she momentarily regained some thought processes, though the logical side of her was quickly being consumed by desire, she decided to take some lead, and she pressed her body into a few certain places quite expertly, eliciting a low groan from him, and began to work her lips on his skin too. The loving gestures soon turned much more heated, and T�Pol felt her heat rise significantly inside her � it wouldn�t be long now. She gripped his shoulders and slid her hands down his chest and stomach, fingers splayed. Jon got the idea pretty quickly. As their last remnants of clothing, which had been impeding their pursuits a few minutes earlier, again littered the floor, they started their own little �dance�. Lips claimed lips, tongues teasing each other, while hands gripped and explored. One last breathless, hot kiss, and T�Pol found Jonathan�s eyes, signaling it was time. Her eyes were ablaze with desire and her hands� pace turned frantic on his body. As he entered her, they both felt the first pangs of bliss. They were moving to a rhythm all their own. The beat of the �dance� multiplied, and they came crashing down after their climaxes. Neither of them would notice this till later, but a bond had been formed � more than the already strong physical bond, it was a mental bond. Not incredibly strong, but definitely there.
* * * * *
T�Pol awoke first again, but this time the couple was tangled in a mess of limbs � theirs, of course. They had already gotten lunch, eaten it, and dozed off in each other�s arms afterwards. Luckily Phlox hadn�t commented on their state when he gave them their meal and picked up their breakfast trays; he�d just left very quickly. She was sure it saved quite a bit of embarrassment on all three sides. She began to feel Jonathan waken and turned towards him, reclaiming an arm and a leg from where he had been holding one and sleeping on the other.
��Morning� No, �afternoon,� Jon yawned obviously, stretched, and sniffed the air, then under his armpits, �I think I definitely need a shower. So if you�ll excuse me�� T�Pol was not about to get in his way � the nasal inhibitors only did so much. She was sure she could use a shower also, but since Jonathan was going first, she decided that she�d use the time to meditate, which hadn�t been done for a half a week, and she felt it. So as Jonathan walked into her bathroom, still stretching, and shut the door, she got her meditation candle out, lie it, and sat down on the floor in the lotus position. She heard the water start to run as she began to relax her mind. Then, suddenly, she was snapped out of her reverie by a hot, almost burning sensation. At the same time, she heard Jon�s �Yeow!!� and could almost feel his pain, annoyance, and anger, as well as hearing a few choice words of his.
As her mind registered what happened, she though, �that was unusual,� but dismissed the thought and turned her mind once again to meditating. She still could not totally slip into her normal mindset, but her condition was definitely improving because she could focus much easier. T�Pol felt the candle�s warmth, the mesmerizing glow, the peacefulness associated with meditating, and she became calm.
In the shower, Jon began to relax under the warm water. As he was soaping up his chest and arms, he stopped and closed his eyes, letting the water wash the bubbles off. He felt very awake and alert.
�I know warm showers are really good at waking you up, but this is ridiculous!� he thought. Something was a little off, and it was bugging him. He finished up in the shower and got out, contemplating the mystery while he was drying off.
When he was shaving, he felt oddly surprised, though there was nothing to be surprised about, and then got a jolt of it from somewhere, making him nick himself a little. He grimaced at the unexpected pain and went to clean the cut, again wondering what was happening.
T�Pol had been deep in her meditating when she started to look inward, to reflect upon how she�d reacted to her Pon Farr so far. As she was over viewing her recent actions, she found that there was a part of her that she had never seen before. T�Pol was very surprised and doubtful that she had missed this part of herself all of her life, so she figured logically that it had to be new. She tried to explore it deeper, and what she found was startling � feelings that were similar to her own, but not hers. All at once, it clicked into place, and her eyes opened wide at the realization. Immediately afterwards, she felt a sliver of pain. This time, though, it easily fit in to place and supported her previous conclusion � she and Jonathan had bonded. She was surprised that the two different species were capable of it, but it was noticeably weaker than the Vulcan bonds described to her. Once she found it, however, she felt much more complete. She needed to discuss the bond and its ramifications with Jonathan when he got out of the shower. As if on cue, Jon stepped out of the bathroom, gingerly rubbing the cut spot on his face with his hand. He had an annoyed scowl on his face, and she realized what the last pain she felt was from. She thought that if she was a human, the situation might almost be humorous. As it was, she blew out and put away her candle and sat down on her bed again, disregarding her need for a shower for the time being.
As she sat down, Jon could see that she had something to tell him. Maybe it would explain all of the weird things he was feeling. He wryly noted to himself that her bunk was becoming their regular meeting place to discuss topics.
�Jonathan, something happened when we made love. I have just recently discovered it, and I know that you have felt it also. A mental bond was formed between us. It is why we have been sharing emotions.�
�You mean, those things I felt were you?�
�Yes. Or rather, my feelings,� And after that she sent him the equivalent of a humorous �tsk tsk�, predicting what his next response would be. He smiled � she�d guessed right. He was going to say �I thought that Vulcans didn�t have feelings�, but instead responded,
�Are you sure you can�t sense thoughts, too?� it was a joke, and she took it as such, not responding to that query.
�I will probably be able to sense more from you than you will be able to from me because I am more acquainted with mental bonds, and I can also put up mental shields.�
�How much weaker is our bond than most Vulcan pairs�?�
�A reasonable amount, I think. It might grow with time though, since we�ll get more used to each other. And the �pairs� are called bondmates.�
�Which is what we are now, isn�t it?� T�pol just nodded in response.
�Being bondmates also means that we will mate for life. There is really no choice in the matter now.�
Jon responded with lots of sincerity in his voice, �I wasn�t planning on leaving anyway. God, T�Pol, you don�t know how long I�ve wanted this!� He would fine out the full, yet unexpected, meaning of his statement in the morning.
* * * * *
The door comm. beeped, disturbing Jon and T�Pol from their work, which they had resumed to pass the time. Jon had been working at T�Pol�s computer, and she was on her couch with a PADD. T�Pol had been feeling better and hadn�t needed any more releases since the last one, so they had decided to catch up on work.
Jon went to answer the door since he was closer, and was greeted cheerfully by the doctor. Jon suspected part of the cheerfulness was finding them in clothes and not without them. �Hello, Doctor.�
�Ah, yes. Hello. Is everyone feeling fine?� Phlox asked while he exchanged dishes with T�Pol, who had walked to the door.
�Yes, Doctor. The hormones have been more under control recently.�
�Good, good. Oh, and Sub-Commander � Hoshi Sato sends her greetings and hopes you get better soon.�
�Hey, why didn�t she say �hi� to me, too?� Jon asked incredulously. He was especially surprised that it was Hoshi who didn�t acknowledge him.
T�Pol was wondering the same thing also, until she realized the answer, which Dr. Phlox said.
�Ensign Sato would have no way of knowing you were here, Captain, or otherwise I�m sure she would have sent her wishes your way, too. I did specifically say I was bringing T�Pol her meal. I was rather glad she didn�t ask why I had two dishes instead of one. That could have become a sticky predicament.�
�Oh, yeah. I knew that. Still, that was nice of Hoshi.� T�Pol agreed with Jon�s last comment. She and the Ensign had grown closer over the past year, and T�Pol found it comforting to have a female friend onboard. She was quite a wealth of information, and it was always nice to talk to someone friendly in Vulcan. She would have to thank the woman for the kind sentiment.
Jon�s next words were a bit surprising to T�Pol � �Hey Doc, something unexpected happened � T�Pol and I bonded minds. Surprising since we�re different species, huh?� Phlox looked at T�Pol, knowing she wouldn�t be fully comfortable with the sharing of such private information, but she just had a flicker of discomfort then seemed to accept it. T�Pol did accept it; it would probably be useful if the Doctor knew, but she still sent Jonathan her feelings of mild displeasure and uncertainty, showing how she felt. He made a mental note not to announce their bond anymore without asking her, but he had felt very excited about this newfound knowledge and wanted to share it, which she understood.
Phlox watched their short interaction with interest. They really were a well-suited couple � they accepted and adjusted to one another�s mistakes. The Doctor could see that Jon was more held back now, and that T�Pol was fine. That mental bond of theirs seemed quite handy.
�Well, I�ll see you tomorrow morning. Goodnight,� The Doctor left, leaving T�Pol and Jon holding their dinners. They were both hungry, but since they could sense the other�s hunger and it added to their own, they were both starving. Without another word, they sat down to eat and enjoyed their dinner. Afterwards, they worked a little more, though they didn�t get much done because they were experimenting with their bond. They decided to call it a night, as Jonathan explained to T�Pol, and go to be early. Sleep reached them soon after one last visit from T�Pol�s Pon Farr.
* * * * *
�Good morning, Doctor,� The two of them greeted Phlox when they showed up in the deserted sickbay at 0532.
�Good morning to you, too,� Phlox greeted back. �T�Pol, if you�ll sit on this biobed here,� She sat down, sniffed, and gave Phlox a questioning look, �I brought your breakfasts here so you could eat after I was done with the treatment.�
The Doctor took out his scanner just to check up on T�Pol, but he stopped once he was halfway through and scanned her again. Jon noticed this peculiar behavior and came over to the biobed where they were from where he�d been sitting. Phlox took a step back, making sure that his interpretation of the readings was correct, and then turned to the couple and said with an almost doubtful look on his face, in a wary voice,
�T�Pol, there has been an unexpected change in your condition��
Chapter 5: Antedote
�Oh no!� Jon thought, �The Pon Farr has progressed too quickly! This can�t be happening�� T�Pol felt his worry intensely, and was having thoughts similar to his own. She was almost in shock; she and Jonathan were finally having a relationship, and it was going really well, �But now the Doctor has found out that I�m not going to make it. An �unexpected change� as he put it.�
They were both at a loss for words. Phlox saw their faces and realized that he had phrased his comment wrong, �I mean, well, something unexpected has happened. T�Pol, have you been feeling more normal recently?�
T�Pol just nodded, not really listening to the Doctor. She was in her mind, cherishing what she thought were going to be her last moments with Jonathan and their link.
Phlox grinned and made sure he had both of their attentions before he spoke again, �T�Pol, your Pon Farr should be over. You�re pregnant!�
T�Pol could feel Jonathan�s shock change qualities, and then felt his emotions go from surprise, to doubting, to hope, to pure happiness. She thought, �How versatile Human emotions are, even at an unhappy time,� then her mind did a double take. It was the Vulcan equivalent of �Wait a sec � what did he just say?!�
�Pregnant??� she almost whispered, finally looking up at Jonathan and Phlox. But how? Wouldn�t conception only be possible with the Doctor�s help? Evidently not. They had found the antidote to her curse on their own. It did make sense, though. She had been feeling better since after yesterday afternoon, when she had first noticed their bond. The child had probably been conceived when the link had been formed, or vise versa. She was going to be alright. Relief flooded through her, and she felt reassurance from Jonathan, as well as an overwhelming amount of joy, which she was beginning to return. When Jon felt happiness coming reciprocating from her, he gave a big smile, almost rivaling one of Phlox�s.
�I�m going to be a Daddy!� he thought.
Phlox unintentionally interrupted their thoughts, �Well, I guess you won�t be needing those hormones, Sub-Commander. And a hearty congratulation to you two. You�ll be wonderful parents.�
�Parents� the two highest officers on Enterprise thought at the same time. That thought both frightened them and thrilled them. Jon thought of something,
�Doctor, can you tell us anything about the baby yet?�
�No, it�s way too early for that. I believe that T�Pol�s body has just recently realized that it�s carrying a baby and that it should �turn off� her Pon Farr. At least we can have an accurate due date � thirty three weeks from now or so, depending on how Vulcan the child is.�
�Thirty three? I thought that a normal human gestation was about forty weeks. Why is the Vulcan one shorter?�
T�Pol answered his question before Phlox could, and sent reassurance to him to make sure he knew she wasn�t trying to offend him, �Vulcans� are more evolved than Humans, so their heads are larger. An earlier birth is necessary because otherwise, the child�s head will not fit through the pelvis of the mother, killing both of them.�
�Ohh,� Jon replied. No wonder she was his science officer! �That explains why many young animals can walk an hour after their birth, where as humans take a year or so. They�re less developed.�
�Correct, Captain,� Phlox put in, �Perhaps you should be the Doctor here, Sub-Commander, not me.� They all chuckled at his joke, except for T�Pol it happened inside. On the surface, she just raised an eyebrow. Jon was amazed to hear - well, not totally hear, but close enough � her laugh for the first time.
Phlox got a bottle and brought it over to T�Pol before he went off into his office. �Here are some prenatal vitamins that you should start taking. Now, I�ll leave you two to your breakfasts. Oh, and when you feel ready to go back on duty, tell me so I can check you for any last signs of �your flu�. We wouldn�t want that spreading any further than you two, would we?� It was handy to have a doctor that was so on top of things, Jon realized.
Jon and T�Pol got their food and sat on opposite biobeds, facing each other. They knew that they could talk freely; Phlox had known that they would want privacy and had given it to them. Now that she knew she wasn�t dying anymore, a new worry had come into her mind. Actually, it wasn�t a new worry, but that worry now had a child added to it. Jon sensed that she needed to talk and set down his tray, ready to listen and support her.
�Jonathan, I�m not part of the Vulcan Science Directorate anymore. I am an outcast on Vulcan and of Vulcans for staying on Enterprise, and if when people find out, bonding with you and having this child. They might even want to kill our child. I don�t really have a home anymore, and this child won�t either.� Jon could feel that T�Pol had been holding these feelings inside of her for months, probably since they�d gone into the Expanse. He sent lots of reassurance to her.
�We can make a home here on Enterprise. We�ll make it work.�
T�Pol looked at him, her fear showing in her eyes, �We don�t know that.�
�We�ll do our best, which is all we can do. Together.�
T�Pol looked at him, still very vulnerable, and he moved to sit on her biobed. Most of the love felt before was beginning to be replaced by fear � fear for themselves, but mostly fear for their unborn child. As he took her in his arms and put a hand on her abdomen, he whispered, �I love you two, always.�
T�Pol sent her love back to him through their bond.
End (of stage one)
The Here and Now
by Rois
PG-13
He woke to the feel of her skin pressed against his back. For a second he was confused, then he remembered. She�d come to his quarters last night, breathless, confused, something strange and fierce in her eyes that he�d never seen before. She�d tried to speak but hadn�t made any sense; her speech was wild and fragmented. Then he�d stepped towards her, worried and she�d practically hurled herself at him and started to kiss him. He�d known something was wrong, that she wasn�t herself. He�d known but it hadn�t mattered. He should have pushed her away, called Phlox, done something. Instead he�d returned the embrace, let her pull him down onto the bed, lost himself in his desire. God help him he�d never wanted anyone so badly. And now he would have to face her.
Slowly he lifted himself off the bed, trying not to wake her. He pulled on his clothes and stepped back over towards the bed, looking down at her. He was struck, not only by her beauty, but her fragility, he�d never imagined that she could look this vulnerable, she was always so strong and self possessed. But as she lay sleeping, all that toughness vanished. He could almost forget she was a Vulcan. He felt a sudden rush of guilt, how could he have taken advantage of her like that? He couldn�t bear the thought of having hurt her, or of having damaged the trust and even friendship which they had built up over the past year. He had briefly considered just leaving, going up to the bridge and putting off the inevitable conversation for a little longer. Now, looking down on her he knew he couldn�t do that. He had to sort things out, had to make things right again, somehow.
He reached over and touched her cheek, at the same time whispering her name. He felt her jolt awake and pulled his hand away. She sat up slowly , pulling the sheet around herself. For a long time she just stared at him, her gaze as unreadable as ever. At last he could stand it no longer, �T�Pol�� are you aright.�
�I believe so captain.� What was that supposed to mean?
�Look, I�m sorry, I just��
�Your apology is unnecessary captain, now if you will excuse me I must return to my quarters, our shift starts in twenty minutes.� She slipped into her uniform while he stared at her in astonishment.
She was half way to the door before he gave voice to the question that had been bothering him since he woke up. �T�Pol what the hell just happened?�
She stopped but did not turn to face him, �We can speak about it later, I must return to my quarters.� If he hadn�t known better, he could have sworn she was flustered.
***
She was avoiding him, he could tell. All day she�d been the perfect model of Vulcan composure, calm, collected and hardworking. She�d managed to avoid any kind of contact with him beyond what was strictly necessary for her work. Yet sometimes he would feel her eyes on him and when he looked she would turn swiftly away and return to her work. The whole day he�d been more aware of her than usual. He couldn�t stop thinking about her, watching her. He could feel every move she made. He wasn�t sure how much more of this he could stand.
When she came off duty she went straight to her quarters, slipping out before he had a chance to speak to her. He stood indecisively, looking after her, unsure whether or not to follow her. He couldn�t face another awkward conversation like this morning. But he needed to know whether she was angry with him, needed to know what she was feeling. Most of all he needed to know what had happened to her, her behaviour last night had frightened him and her reluctance to talk about it only worried him more. He realised that he really knew very little about Vulcans. They were a private people and he�d never bothered to try and find out about them. He�d always been content merely to hate them and remain in ignorance. He knew vaguely that there were occasions when they were unable to control their emotions but his knowledge was limited.
�Captain?� He jumped as a sudden voice interrupted his reflections. He turned to see Hoshi standing beside him, a slightly worried expression on her face. �Are you alright Captain? You�ve been standing there, not moving for the past five minutes.�
�Yeah, I�m fine, I was just thinking about something.�
�Are you sure, you�ve been kind of distracted all day.�
� Am I really that easy to read.� She nodded with a slight smile.
�So you want to tell me what�s wrong?�
�I don�t know���� Hoshi, how much do you know about Vulcans?� She looked surprised.
�As much as anyone knows I guess. Why? Is something wrong with T�Pol?�
�Oh don�t worry, its nothing, forget I asked.� And with that he turned and set off down the corridor, leaving Hoshi staring after him, puzzled.
***
He stood outside her quarters, trying to summon up the courage to enter. This was getting ridiculous, him, a starship captain, hanging around outside his first officer�s quarters like a lovesick teenager. If it had been anyone else, he would have laughed in his face. Why was he so afraid, what did he think she was going to do? She didn�t seem to be blaming him, so why was he blaming himself? But it wasn�t really a question of blame. Deep down, he didn�t want to sort things out with her because until she told him otherwise he could keep kidding himself that she�d wanted it too. He could keep clinging to the idea that it had been something wonderful, something special. He didn�t want to hear her tell him that she�d been under some kind of influence because then he would know that it wasn�t real. But it wasn�t and the sooner he accepted that and sorted things out with her the better. With a sudden burst of resolve, he stepped forwards and pressed the chime. He didn�t even wait for her to respond but went straight in.
To his surprise, she wasn�t meditating. Instead she was sitting on the floor by her bed, just watching the door, he got the strange feeling that she�d known he was there the whole time and had been waiting for him. She looked tired and worn. He could see dark circles under her eyes and almost feel her distress. If she had been anyone else he would have thought she had been crying. That was impossible of course, Vulcans didn�t cry. In that instant, all his carefully prepared speech deserted him and he had to fight the impulse just to wrap his arms around her and take away her pain. Instead he stood in silence looking at her, trying to find the right words to say. In the end it was she who spoke first, in a low voice, carefully averting her eyes. �Captain I believe I owe you an explanation for my behaviour last night.�
�Yeah, that would be a start.�
�I believe I once told you that Vulcans mate only once every seven years. We have developed rudimentary control over our physical desires but this control is imperfect. Every seven years we are driven to mate. The need is overwhelming and leaves no room for rational thought.�
�T�Pol, I�m sorry, I knew it was something like that, knew you weren�t yourself, I should have stopped you, I shouldn�t have let it happen.�
�I can hardly blame you for that. I did not expect you to resist, given the circumstances.�
�Are you saying that humans can�t control themselves then?�
She sighed deeply and said wearily. �I did not mean to imply that. I am merely saying that I do not blame you for what happened. You only acted as you thought right.�
He instantly felt guilty for snapping at her, she wasn�t to blame for any of this. And of course when it came down to it, she was right, he hadn�t been thinking, he�d let himself get carried away by his desire for her and hadn�t stopped to worry about the consequences. In other words he�d just confirmed all her worst views of humanity. �No T�pol, you were right the first time, I didn�t think at all, I shouldn�t have attacked you for telling the truth.�
For the first time, she looked up at him, meeting his gaze directly. �You are not to blame, Pon Farr can sometimes affect people in that way. Besides if you hadn�t responded the way you did, I could have died.�
�You what!! T�Pol what do you mean?�
�If the desire is not satisfied, the fever can prove fatal.�
�So what, you could have died, weren�t you prepared, don�t your people have anyway of dealing with this?�
�I was not expecting it so soon, the cycle can be somewhat unpredictable amongst the young. If I had remained on Vulcan I would have been bonded by this time. I did not anticipate the problem arising so soon.�
�But you still stayed here, even though you could have died. Where�s the logic in that?� She didn�t answer but continued to stare at the ground. Suddenly he couldn�t bear to be here any longer, couldn�t take the heat and the awkward silences and her evident discomfort talking to him. As if she could feel his frustration she stood up and spoke decisively. �I need to meditate, if you wish we can continue this discussion at a later date, although I cannot see how this would prove necessary, the situation is unlikely ever to arise again.�
He couldn�t help feeling slightly disappointed at this rebuff. However he nodded and slipped quickly outside, trying to shake the feeling that there was something she was hiding from him.
When he left T'Pol breathed a sigh of relief. It was hard to think clearly when he was around, she couldn't focus, couldn't stop the dangerous thoughts rising in her mind. She didn't like pushing him away; she had seen the look in his eyes as he left, felt his pain as if it were her own. But this was the best way, the only way if they were to continue working together efficiently. She sat up and stretched herself. She had to put this out of her mind and meditate. She needed, more than anything to be able to maintain control and dignity. But the longed for peace was slow to come. Every time she closed her eyes she saw his face in front of her eyes, felt his presence always with her. Further interruption came with the sounding of her door chime. She could barely contain the flash of irritation which rose up at the second interruption and couldn�t quite manage to keep the sharpness out of her voice.
Hoshi entered nervously, hanging back by the door as if she couldn�t bring herself to enter fully. �I�m sorry, am I disturbing you? I can come back.�
This time T�Pol managed to bite down the rebuff. �I was meditating but if you wish to speak to me about something you may remain.�
Hoshi wondered again exactly what impulse had brought her here. The other woman had rebuffed all her hesitant overtures of friendship. She had made it quite clear that she wasn�t interested in forming bonds with any of the crew. Her presence was probably the last thing T�Pol wanted if there really was something wrong. But surely if something bad had happened, even T�Pol might need a little company. Surely no one could really want to exist cut off from the people around them. But T�Pol did not look like a woman in need of company right now, in fact she looked like a woman likely to rip off potential company�s arms and stuff them down her throat. But it was too late to back out now: �Oh it�s probably nothing. I was just speaking to the captain and he seemed worried about you. Or at least about something. I just wanted to see that you were alright. And that he was. Because if there�s something wrong I�d like to help. If I can��..� She tailed off under the Vulcan�s unblinking stare. They really did have a way of making you feel like a total idiot with one raised eyebrow. This probably wasn�t the smartest thing she�d ever done.
T�Pol replied in a voice that could have cut glass �There is nothing the matter with me. Your concern is misplaced ."
"I just thought, you might need someone, I mean you're a long way from home it must be a bit lonely. and if there was anything wrong....."
T'Pol's head snapped upright: "I do not require the companionship of humans. It would be illogical." Her voice was just a fraction shriller than would have been expected in a controlled, dignified Vulcan and she seemed to realise it as a slight flush appeared on her cheeks and she repeated more quietly, "there is nothing wrong."
Hoshi squirmed for a few more minutes before turning towards the door. It was time to leave before she made an even greater fool of herself. But just as the door opened and she stepped out into the corridor; T'Pol's voice rang out again:
"Stay."
It would be hard to say who seemed more surprised by the outburst, her or the strangely emotional Vulcan, now quickly backtracking: "If you wish to remain, you may. Your company....... would not be displeasing."
Well it might not exactly the warmest of welcomes, but for T'Pol it was practically friendly.
***
Hoshi sat, cross-legged on the floor and watched the candle dance. She could see why Vulcan�s found them so relaxing. After only a few minutes in the warm, peaceful environment she could feel her eyes beginning to droop.
"You have some knowledge of Vulcan physiology I believe." The words jolted her back to wakefulness. Where the hell was this going? She nodded curiously. There was another loaded pause. "Then you are familiar with the condition of Pon Farr."
Hoshi could barely stop herself crying out. Whatever she'd expected it hadn't been that. "So what, you're going through Pon Farr.... Are you going to leave, or can Phlox do something.... or what?"
T'Pol looked like she wished she could take the words back. That or kill the listener. Hoshi had a sudden nervous recollection of stories she had heard about the violent tendencies of Vulcans going through Pon Farr. "That problem has already been dealt with. The Pon Farr is over."
This statement seemed even more unwillingly dragged out and T'Pol had gone back to staring fixedly at the wall. Hoshi watched her, increasingly confused. Dealt with, how? The image of the captain lingering outside the Vulcan�s quarters suddenly returned. Surely not, that couldn't be possible! She must have been talking about some kind of medicine. She must have. "The captain??" The faint flush of embarrassment creeping up T'Pol's face was answer enough. Hoshi could feel herself blushing in sympathy as she awkwardly looked away: "Well.... I mean, that could be a little weird but surely he understands. I mean you can explain it and it's over now. You know this sort of thing happens on earth all the time. Not Pon Farr but one night stands, things like that. It's not such a big deal really." These pearls of wisdom brought forth no reply. "What is it T'Pol. What's bothering you?" The silence stretched between them as the candle burned down lower and lower.
Then T'Pol lifted her head and finally met her eyes: "I felt this building for some time. I knew my Pon Farr could not be long in coming. I should have contacted my people. Yet I hesitated. I left it longer and longer until it was too late. I didn't want to leave the Enterprise I did not want to bond with whoever my family found for me. I stayed.
I decided that the captain would be my best choice. For when the time came. But I didn't tell him. I didn't go to him and explain my problem and make him understand what it would entail. I couldn't find the words. Again I left it until it was too late. Then when I finally came to him I was overwhelmed with the fever. I took what I wanted from him, from his body and his mind. I hurt him."
"Oh T'Pol, don't. It's nothing to feel guilty about. He understood, I'm sure he did."
"I'm not finished. The union was mental, not merely physical. When I joined with him, his mind was laid open to me, his thoughts and fears, his memories, every deep, dark secret. I saw everything. I violated him Hoshi, worse than Tolaris ever did to me. I used him and the feelings he has for me and I abused whatever trust there was between us as colleagues and as friends." She stopped and looked up again, the guilt and the fear showing for the first time in her face. "I used him."
Hoshi spent her whole life working with words. She prided herself on her ability to communicate. Yet now, faced with a guilt stricken Vulcan, she was lost for anything to say to help. On impulse she stretched out a hand and touched the other woman's shoulder. "It'll be all right, T'Pol, I promise. It'll be alright somehow."
***
As the door closed behind her second visitor of the evening T'Pol breathed another sigh. Nothing had changed, she had still committed a terrible betrayal, she had still hurt someone she cared about a great deal. She needed to talk to him, to admit what had truly happened. To atone for what she'd done and try to salvage at least some of a friendship which had become more important to her than she liked to admit. She needed his forgiveness. But for tonight at least, she had achieved a small measure of peace. For the first time she understood why humans valued friendship so much.
T�Pol knew that she couldn�t put it off any longer. She had spent the day thinking of ingenious reasons why she should wait a little longer before telling him. Well enough, she was procrastinating as badly as a human and now it was time. She took a deep breath and began to explain. She told it just as she had done to Hoshi. Short crisp sentences summing up everything that had happened as concisely and coherently as possible. Throughout the recital she uttered not one word of justification or explanation. This was no place for emotions, he would hear the facts and judge her on them alone. The words washed over her as she watched his face. The friendly smile gradually changed to confusion, then as understanding dawned, to anger. She watched as his eyes hardened and sympathetic words changed to furious insults. She concentrated on keeping her face smooth and impassive. She mustn�t reveal the pain which was welling up inside her with every word. She must keep perfectly steady even as her heart was breaking. She summoned up the image of a flame in her mind and concentrated on it, forcing down the guilt and the hurt. He stepped closer to her and she found it harder to shut off the waves of anger pouring off him. For a few seconds she thought he might even hit her but he only grabbed her roughly and pushed her towards the door.
"Just leave me."
She did as he wished and slipped out into the corridor watching the door close behind her with a firm click.
***
Hoshi watched as the Vulcan entered the mess hall. She could tell immediately that the encounter hadn't gone off well. To the casual observer she might look the same as ever but, looking closely Hoshi could see the slight difference in her poise, she was just a little less assured, less self-possessed. She beckoned the other woman over and gestured to the seat next to her. T'Pol sat down gratefully with a slight sigh. Hoshi felt a sudden burst of pity. She looked completely exhausted, the past few days had taken their toil on her. She wanted to reach out and hug her but wasn't sure how such a gesture would be received. She settled instead for the warmest smile she could muster and a cup of tea. T'Pol began to sip it slowly as Hoshi's curiosity grew. Finally she spoke: "So what did he say?"
"It was as I expected, he was furious with me." She spoke quietly and levelly with no trace of emotion.
"He may be mad now, but he'll calm down. You shocked him that's all."
"I am not so sure, I have seen him overcome with emotions many times before but never to such an extent. Is the idea of mental contact so very distressing to your people?"
The question was difficult. Hoshi tried to imagine someone being able to see into her mind and couldn't stop herself from shuddering slightly. "I don't know really. I think that the idea of someone knowing everything you are thinking is rather frightening. I know there's a lot of things that go through my mind that I would hate anyone to see, even people I love and trust."
"Nothing is hidden from your bond mate. It would be like hiding something from yourself, or even harder." Hoshi almost felt a stirring of envy for the Vulcans. It must be wonderful to have that much faith in another person, to be completely part of the one you love for all time. Perhaps it could even make up for that lack of closeness with most people around you. No, she didn't think anything could quite make up for that. And of course there was always a chance that your mate might turn out not to be the kind of person you wanted to be bonded to for your entire life.
"That sounds good. I suppose it would be easier if you could both see into each other�s minds, it would make it, I don�t know, more equal. But it must be hard to give yourself up totally to another person. I don't know that I could trust anyone that much."
"But humans reveal so much to so many people. You make your thoughts and your feelings obvious for others to see. You seem to be able to trust everyone.� Hoshi smiled at that.
"You Vulcans are very suspicious people. "
"It is dangerous and illogical to let people see to much of you. That kind of knowledge is too easy to abuse."
"Sometimes you have to take chances. You�re talking to me now aren't you?"
T�Pol frowned slightly at that. "I didn't have anyone else."
"I wish I could have been more help."
"Oh you have. Something you said has given me an idea in fact."
"What sort of an idea." Hoshi was curious but the Vulcan remained typically secretive and refused to tell her any more. As she left the room Hoshi was pleased to notice that she seemed a little more her old self and could only wonder what on earth she was planning.
***
Archer paced the length of his cabin, backwards and forwards, unable to keep still. His anger was still simmering. He couldn't believe it: he couldn't believe she had entered his mind without his knowledge; he couldn't believe that she had seen his most private thoughts and memories; he couldn't believe that she had known all this was coming and not even tried to warn him. One word just kept buzzing around in his head, "everything", she had seen everything. His stomach knotted with shame as he thought of more and more things he never wanted anyone to know about, especially not a Vulcan, especially not her. He remembered things he�d felt ashamed for thinking, stupid things he�d done. The thought of her calmly analyzing his character and life with that damn Vulcan superior attitude made him cringe. Worst of all, she knew how he felt about her. She would have seen every unsuitable thought he'd had about her, every single fantasy. He felt his cheeks begin to burn, how could he ever look her in the eyes again?
As he was lost in these confused thoughts the door chimed. T'Pol entered, pale and slightly nervous. He felt his anger rise up again. How could she just stand there staring at him with such a blank gaze? He was about to tell her to leave again when she interrupted him:
�Don�t ask me to go, there is something I came here to do." He was intrigued despite himself and motioned for her to come in. "In a true bond, the connection is mutual. It is only right that I should give you an opportunity to redress the balance."
She came towards him and took his hands, placing them on either side of her face. Despite his anger he still felt a flash of arousal at the close contact. He heard he speak a few words softly before being suddenly overwhelmed with a rush of intense guilt tinged with sorrow and regret. He probed deeper and was shocked by the rush of images swirling through his mind. The colors were too bright, the noises were too intense and he was overcome by the tumult of her emotions. Strange memories seemed to stand out; the taste of a fruit eaten many years ago, a vision of a tall, white building in the middle of a lake; an alien woman in bright clothing, her head thrown back in laughter. Gradually the visions became longer and more coherent. He saw T'Pol as a tiny child sitting in the hot desert sun; then an older child in front of a candle, struggling to repress her emotions. He saw her sitting through a dull lesson and her dislike of the teacher. He felt her barely suppressed excitement when she first learnt to pilot a ship. He caught brief glimpses of the many exotic places she'd visited in the earlier part of her career and her dissatisfaction when she was forced to remain on Vulcan for any length of time. He saw her first trip on Enterprise and felt her suppressed anger at him and his people and at her own high command for sending her there. He was fascinated as he watched how her attitude towards the ship, the crew and the human race had gradually changed. And as he delved deeper into her soul he saw something else, something strange and wonderful which he couldn't quite believe. He pulled away from the bond and sat up.
"T'Pol, will you tell me something."
"Of course."
"Why was it that you didn't tell me about the Pon Farr as soon as you decided?"
"You already know."
"I want to hear you say it."
"I was.... afraid. I couldn't bear to ask, in case you said no."
"And why didn't you want to return to Vulcan, why did you choose to stay?"
She shifted slightly, looked down at her hands. He could barely breathe, he needed to hear it spoken out loud, he needed her to confirm what he could scarcely believe. She finally spoke, so softly that he could hardly make out the words.
"I didn't want whoever was found for me. I wanted you. I couldn't have bonded with anyone else after knowing you." He felt his anger fade away like it had never been. Instead all he felt was warmth spreading through him. It seemed too incredible, that she could really share his feelings, that she had really wanted him as he had wanted her. He reached over and touched her cheek, bringing her face up so that her eyes met his.
"I'm glad you stayed T'Pol, I only wish you could have told me the truth."
"I also wish that Jonathan." He smiled slightly at hearing his name on her lips and pulled her closer to him. She sighed softly and rested her head against his shoulder.
"I am sorry for what I did to you, more than I can ever say."
"We both could have done things differently. It doesn't matter anymore. We will know better for another time." They remained like that for a few minutes longer before he gently disentangled himself.
"We should go now, my shift started 15 minutes ago." He sensed her disappointment though she hid it well.
"If that is what you want Captain." He watched her leave, letting her get half way down the corridor before stopping her.
"T'Pol, just one more question." She turned around and looked at him curiously.
"Of course Captain."
"Do I really have to wait another seven years, love?"