what's another word for thesaurus?
Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.
Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G???
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless still dead
You guys may be right, but remember I own all the beer
Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes.
Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems rhyme, but not this
Hokt n fonix werkt fer mi !
Define the universe and give three examples
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge ... others just gargle
When the chips are down, the cow is empty
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
%nick - goalie for the dart team
How complicated can it be? A loop's a loop, isn't it?
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power
Imagine, if you will, a world without hypothetical situations
We're alone in the universe, or we're not; either idea is mind-boggling
Hail to the sungod.  He sure is a fun god.  Ra! Ra! Ra! 
%nick is one burger shy of a Happy Meal
%nick is one tower short of a castle
All booster, no payload
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag
Hey!  I resemble that remark!
Look, Mr. Supervisor, I've got two gears: slow, and reverse.  I'm in slow 
right now.  If you want me to change gears, just let me know.
%nick 's job evaluation:  He has reached rock bottom and is commencing to dig
Your reality check just bounced
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King
Sort of like an inverse Einstein
%nick -- thirty cents short of a quarter
%nick - three chickens short of a henhouse
Too many birds on her antenna
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Aerospace engineers do it with lift and thrust
Architects are responsible for the tallest erections
Astronomers do it with big bang
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawal
Missile engineers do it in stages
I'm paranoid ...  I tried to join Paranoids Anonymous but they wouldn't 
let me know where the meetings are
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be 
when you kill them
If Ford is to Chevrolet what Dodge is to Chrysler, what Corn Flakes are 
to Post Toasties, what the Clear Blue Sky is to the Deep Blue Sea, what 
Hank Williams is to Neil Armstrong...can you doubt we were made for each 
other?
They gave me a lifetime contract and then they declared me dead
You said you were a virgin, but your baby ain't named Jesus
fubar - where computer programmers go for a drink
Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies.
(wisdom shared privately by schoolteachers):  Those who can, do.  Those 
who can't, teach.  And those who can't teach, teach gym.
i am NOT mentally incompetent.  I cn still thimk, spel, wirte, od 
athimretic, div u car; pdcsi fodo, nsa traskcds cadof od om family as 
dwllo as hacxni cocovzx.  rokf,mcx., ij x odkopov ocakd ozoiwemncva 
jvcijbkjcpesjfdoijijfpoakapobjncv
This is the Abductee Depot.  Turn to the left, cough, and state what 
planet you are from
I was abducted by a UFO and all I got was this lousy T-shirt
I went all the way to Mars and all I got was this lousy microbe
DO it? We can't even *spell* it!
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
Be spontaneous.  Combust!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
We offer help for the helpless, homes for the homeless, and clues for 
Stephen Straus
007:  The name is Pong.      *James* Pong
No, I said I'm bi-COASTAL.  Now, leave me alone!!!
Don't repeat your parents' mistake.  Use birth control.
T-Rex or the C.D.C. -- which is more dangerous?
(hypnotic suggestion):  You want pizza.  you want pizza *now*.  Call the 
number.  They deliver. you want pizza
There's no plate like chrome, there's no plate like chrome ...
Anything not nailed down is mine.  Anything I can pry loose is not nailed 
down.
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the 
proper order then why can't he?
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a 
moray!
It is with deepest regrets we must inform you that you're a weenie
QUESTION:  How many tech support people does it take to change a light 
bulb?   ANSWER:  We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it 
seems to be working fine.  Can you tell me what kind of system you have?  
Okay, just exactly how dark is it?  Okay.  There could be four or five 
things wrong.  Have you tried the light switch?
WE ARE BARNEY.   YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married
Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought: Where the hell 
is the ceiling?
Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, 
expressed in M&Ms: 250
This mind intentionally left blank
Graduate school: it's not just a job, it's an indenture
An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, 
firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinte number of road signs, 
will produce all the great works of literature - in braille
There are three types of people in the world.  Those that are good at 
math and those that are not.
Yesterday upon the stair, I saw a man who wasn't there.  He wasn't there 
again today,  I think he's from the CIA.
Does B/F refer to brainfart or boyfriend?  Well, most women I know say 
they are the same thing
Once you have pulled the pin out of Mr. Grenade, he is no longer your friend
Hey! Where am I going?  And what am I doing in this handbasket?
Of course my password is the same as my pet's name.  My macaw's name was 
Q47pY!3, but I change it every 90 days.
(from the movie Ghostbusters, when the Keymaster was asked what would the 
sign be):  Gozer the Traveler!  He will come in one of the pre-chosen 
forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a 
large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last 
of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a 
giant Slor!  Many Shuvs and Zools knew what it was to be roasted in the 
depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!
(from When Harry Met Sally): I'd like the chef salad please with oil and 
vinegar on the side, and the apple pie a la mode. But I'd like the pie 
heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top. I want it on the side, and 
I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not, then no 
ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it's real. If it's out of the 
can, then nothing. Q: Not even the pie? A: No, just the pie, but then not 
heated.
(from the movie Dirty Harry): I know what you're thinking ... Did I fire 
six shots or only five? To tell you the truth, I forgot it myself in all 
this excitement. This here's a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in 
the world, and it can blow your head clean off. Now, you must ask 
yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk??
(from Casablanca): If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with 
him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and 
for the rest of your life.... Where I'm going, you can't follow. What 
I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being 
noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little 
people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday 
you'll understand that.
NO RESPECT:  My wife signed me up for the bridge club. I jump off next 
Tuesday.
NO RESPECT:  I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap
NO RESPECT:  When I was a kid playing in the sandbox, the cat kept 
covering me up
NO RESPECT:  I could tell that my  parents hated me.  My bath toys were a 
toaster and a radio.
NO RESPECT:  Some  dog I got.  We call him Egypt because he leaves a 
pyramid in every room.
NO RESPECT:  I went to a phreak show and they let me in for nothing
NO RESPECT:  I remember I was so  depressed I was going to  jump  out a  
window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a  priest up to talk to me.  He 
said 'On your mark ...'
NO RESPECT:  When  my  old  man  wanted  sex, my mother would  show him 
a  picture of me.
NO RESPECT:  A  travel agent  offered me a 21 day special.  He  told  me 
I  would  fly from New York to  London.  Then from Tokyo back to New 
York. I asked him "How  am  I  supposed  to  get  from London to Tokyo?"  
He told me. 'That is why we give you 21 days.'
NO RESPECT:  My wife  only has sex  with me for a purpose.  Last night 
she  used me to time an egg.
NO RESPECT:  My wife is so ugly, I  took her to a dog  show and she won 
first prize.
NO RESPECT:  My wife is so ugly, I took her to  the  top  of  the Empire 
State  building and  planes started to attack her.
NO RESPECT:  I was tired one  night and I went to the bar to  have a few  
drinks.  The bartender  asked  me.. 'What'll  you have?'  I said 
'surprise  me."  He showed  me a  naked  picture  of  my wife.
NO RESPECT:  During sex my wife  always  wants to talk to me. Just the 
other night she called me from a hotel.
NO RESPECT:  My  marriage is on the  rocks again. Yeah, my wife just 
broke up with her boyfriend.
NO RESPECT:  One day, as I came  home  early from work, I saw a guy  
jogging naked.  I said to the guy 'Hey buddy..why are you  doing   that  
for?'  He  said 'Because you came home early.'
NO RESPECT:  I went to  look for a  used  car.  I found my  wife's  dress 
in the  back seat!
Why do C.D.C. scientists wear neckties?  To keep the foreskin from 
crawling up their chins.
I almost got a job with the C.D.C. but they found out that my parents 
were married.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning 
to others.
Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me
What has four legs and an arm?  A happy pit bull.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ...
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
RITA RUDNER: The way a man plays a game can be very revealing. I was 
playing tennis with a man I had been dating for a while and noticed his 
reluctance to keep score properly. He couldn't say, 'Thirty-love.' He 
kept saying, 'Thirty, I really like you but still have to see other 
people.' 
RITA RUDNER: Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident 
that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he 
concentrates he can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he coaches 
the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I 
have to get off the phone in case they call him.
RITA RUDNER: Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes them feel 
important. 
RITA RUDNER: Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.  They 
can learn in private; in public they have to know.
RITA RUDNER: All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one 
under my pillow, instead of a gun.
RITA RUDNER: Men love watches with multiple functions.  My husband has 
one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
RITA RUDNER: Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man has built a 
fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
RITA RUDNER: Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave 
enough to get a bikini wax.
RITA RUDNER: All men think that they're nice guys.  Some of them are 
not.  Contact me for a list of names.
RITA RUDNER: Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your 
heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are 
like portable heaters that snore.
RITA RUDNER: Women take clothing much more seriously than men.  I've 
never seen a man walk into a party and say 'Oh, my God, I'm so 
embarrassed; get me out of here.  There's another man wearing a black 
tuxedo.'
RITA RUDNER: Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's department is 
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
RITA RUDNER: If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains 
three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
RITA RUDNER: No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is on 
record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
RITA RUDNER: Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly
RITA RUDNER: Men are less sentimental than women.  No man has ever seen 
the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
RITA RUDNER: Most women are introspective: 'Am I in love?  Am I 
emotionally and creatively fulfilled?'  Most men are outrospective: 'Did 
my team win?  How's my car?'
RITA RUDNER: Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I 
asked him, 'Are we going to have sex again?'  He said, 'Yes, but not with 
each other.'
RITA RUDNER: Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a 
problem. 'Get out' and 'I never want to see you again' might sound like a 
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, 'I love 
you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children.' Sometimes 
they leave skid marks.
RITA RUDNER: Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.  
With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.  Male 
menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
RITA RUDNER: Why do men like love at first sight?  It saves them a lot of 
time. 
RITA RUDNER: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 
35 think of?  Dating children. 
RITA RUDNER: How can you tell soap operas are fictional?  In real life, 
men aren't affectionate out of bed. 
RITA RUDNER: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?  
To stop the snoring before it starts. 
RITA RUDNER: Why don't men have mid-life crises?  They stay stuck in 
adolescence. 
RITA RUDNER: How does a man show he's planning for the future?  He buys 
two cases of beer instead of one. 
RITA RUDNER: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?  All he cared about 
were legs, breasts, and thighs. 
RITA RUDNER: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the 
circus?  At the circus the clowns don't talk. 
RITA RUDNER: What makes men chase women they have no intention of 
marrying?  The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no 
intention of driving. 
RITA RUDNER: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?  
Exchange him. 
RITA RUDNER: Why do bachelors like smart women?  Opposites attract. 
RITA RUDNER: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?  They're hard to get 
started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. 
RITA RUDNER: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?  
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 
RITA RUDNER: Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?  Just when 
it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. 
RITA RUDNER: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?  Breasts 
don't have eyes. 
RITA RUDNER: What's a man's idea of foreplay?  A half hour of begging. 
RITA RUDNER: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?  He's 
breathing. 
RITA RUDNER: What's the difference between men and government bonds?  
Bonds mature. 
RITA RUDNER: How do you save a man from drowning?  Take your foot off his 
head. 
RITA RUDNER: Why are blonde jokes so short?  So men can remember them. 
RITA RUDNER: What do men and beer bottles have in common?  They're both 
empty from the neck up. 
RITA RUDNER: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?  
We don't know -- it's never happened.