Most Recent CFCL Report

The Monroe Doctrine

It finally boiled over. The tension between Carlos Zambrano (Dem Rebel) and Michael Barrett (David’s Copperfields) came to a head at Wrigley Field. It has been simmering a while now, 23 years to be exact.

“They’ve been kicking our ass in the standings every doggone year,” states Head Rebel Bentel. “And all with ‘class and charm’, those damn top hats, tails and walking sticks. It’s over! Something had to be done. Barrett has been embarrassing my team all year long with his passed balls and throws into the outfield on stolen bases.”

by Rich Bentel

Zambrano backs up his boss. “When I approached egghead (Barrett) in the dugout to ask him why he can’t catch anymore he looks at me with this dumbass lost look in his eyes. Then he points to the sky saying that he was watching an airplane in the sky while I was pitching. I couldn’t help it, I had to deck him.”

Barrett provides a different version of the story. “Big baby Z, as in last in the alphabet – as in last in all pitching statisitics, comes at me asking me why I missed his latest weakass offering. I pointed to the sky and said ‘I called for a fastball and you throw a wobbling butterfly.’ Then he gets this Pierzynski look in his eye and he throws down. What’s up with that?”

Dugout management tried to break things up and ushered the players into the clubhouse. “I’m minding my own business,” claims Barrett, “popping in Sade into my CD player and then Mr. I Only Care About My Batting Average comes over and sucker punches me, splitting my lip. So off I go to the hospital and now I’m talking like I’m doing Bill Cosby’s dentist routine.”

Copperfield Management has this perspective. “This all goes back to the Mount Olympus days,” says Copperflop. “When Bentel and I shared an apartment he was on my last nerve. Never doing the cleaning, never doing any cooking and always playing that hillbilly music. I mean c’mon, how many times can you listen to Rocky Top? I’ve had it.”

Bentel retorts, “He says it’s from Mount Olympus days? Well he’s probably right. Did he mention how many freaking times I had to double back to the apartment to let him in because he locked his keys inside? Christ, if I had a nickel for every time that happened I wouldn’t have to work my finely toned ass off running this club. I’d be independently wealthy.”

Mahlan laid out the final word. “I’m sick of being the nice guy all the time. Remember, they attacked us. I called my buddy Sean Connery for some advice. He suggested this: ‘They put one of yours in the hospital; you put one of theirs in the morgue. That’s the Chicago way.’”

De Aza (.12)-o-Meter

OBP:	.314
TB:	15
RS:	4
RBI:	3
SB:	1

Google closed trading for the week at 4170 De Azas a share.

As entertaining as this week's Monroe Doctrine is (living up to the very high standards Rich has set for himself), I feel compelled to point out some inaccuracies.

This business about me locking my keys in the apartment... Surely Rich exaggerates. It couldn't have happened more than 17-18 times tops. And the time I parked my car at the Harlem El stop, locked my keys in the car - with the car still running - and went on my way to work downtown, well, I don't think that should really count. Besides, that only happened once.

And when it came to the domestic activities at Mount Olympus, Rich has got it all wrong. Of the two of us, it was definitely he who played the Felix Ungar to my Oscar Madison. I'd guess Rich did 90% of the cleaning and cooking in that apartment, as my gastronomic exploits rarely got more daring than popcorn or tuna surprise. My one foray into the culinary realm was making rosemary chicken when entertaining a certain young lady, though based on the scents still lingering the next morning Rich suspected I had burned rotten eggs. Couldn't have been too bad, though, since Michelle still married me (though come to think of it, she hasn't let me cook since. Hmmm.).

As for the hillbilly music... Well, they say every fairy tale contains a nugget of truth...

In 2008, the teams that finished in 5^th-12^th place in 2007 will receive a budget of up to .06 to use toward reacquiring players who had played out their option with the team (B-contract players). The exact amount each team receives will be based on how far behind the 5^th place team they are at the end of the year, in terms of a percentage of the 5^th place team's point total.