He exhaled a cloud of white, however this time it was not on account of his cigarettes

Darker Shades of Fear

(Installment 30)

Anyone will do tonight

Close your eyes, just settle, settle

Close your eyes just settle, settle

I’m coming over but it never was enough

I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you

I am you

* * *

He exhaled a cloud of white, however this time it was not on account of his cigarettes. What had started out as purposeful search had slowly become one of his common leisurely walks. Kenny’s attention span was not what it once had been and he’d lost interest in his goal. That was not to say that he had given up on it. He certainly had not, but decided that all in due time things would unfold as they should. That, and he really just didn’t feel like making the effort. He just wasn’t in the mood to peruse seedy whorehouses and karaoke bars in pursuit of information. Perhaps later, when the more sadistic side of his personality decided to resurface, he would accomplish that. Besides, the bartender was also contributing to his cause. It was harder than he had first imagined, though.

He had very little to go on himself, other than what the flashbacks allowed. It wasn’t an easily recognized name either, which made things all the more difficult. Getting Salantino and Ron had been simple. All he had to do was ask around and he struck it right. This one would take more time, he supposed. That was okay with him. He was in no rush to extract his revenge… or whatever it was that he was after.

It wasn’t revenge… was it? He didn’t feel the anger that generally associated itself with the word. He was surprisingly calm… and wanted to rip the man to pieces for some unknown reason.

He shrugged, still unsure and continued on.

When he looked up from his thoughts, he wasn’t as surprised as he should have been at his surroundings. He recognized the apartment complex almost immediately. The heavy feeling despair settled in his chest but he didn’t feel the need to relocate it. He wondered why he’d brought himself here again, whether out of masochism, need for closure or coincidence and couldn’t really come up with a definitive answer.

He sighed, staring alternately from his shoes to the building. He wondered if the landlady had sold the apartment yet. He reminded that curiosity killed the cat, but also that death wouldn’t exactly be the worst possible outcome given his circumstances, and with that he started toward the entrance.

He took the stairs, finding no one on the ground floor. He never really liked elevators. One possible reason for this was that there was nothing to do in an elevator while waiting to reach your destination. Nobody said anything in an elevator, and if they did, it was usually some terribly annoying excuse for a human being. Then there was always that obnoxious person who, at the very last moment would bolt through the lobby as the elevator doors were closing with less than an inch of space between them… and scream for someone to hold it. And someone as per etiquette would oblige, sticking their hand in the virtually nonexistent gap between the doors and everyone in the crowded car would sigh loudly as they opened again. Muttered apologies, shuffling, squeezing together and etc would ensue and he just didn’t feel like dealing with any of it. Kenny had manners, but his philosophy on the subject was simply “fuck you, that’s what the stairs are for”. He had decided to spare himself the possibility and endure the walk. It wasn’t bad, really. He’d reached her floor before he knew it.

Another reason he preferred the stairs was because they delayed the inevitable. He pushed open the door and followed the familiar hallway to familiar door and stopped in front of it.

He remembered the last time he had come here. By some miracle he’d managed to remember where she lived and for some equally bizarre reason, he’d actually sought her out. God, what a mess. He’d been utterly out of his mind that night. He felt mildly embarrassed at the thought, but remembered that she had also offered her perspective and support. Any normal person would have thrown his incoherent, rambling self out the door and back into the streets. But she wasn’t normal. She was Leah. And he had loved her for it.

A strange feeling of sadness rose in him but simultaneously brought a smile to his face. He hadn’t come this far to turn around and leave. He wasn’t just going to stand in front of her door. He wanted to go in, but at the same time he knew that he would find nothing. He wanted to believe that he would open the door and find her waiting for him. It was stupid, but he couldn’t deny it.

Unable to deal with the anxiety of waiting, he stretched out his arm and rested his hand on the knob. Slowly, carefully, he began to turn it. He was surprised to find that the door offered no resistance.

That was strange. He had expected it to be locked. Maybe it hadn’t been sold yet. Or maybe the new owner had left it unlocked. The latter seemed highly unlikely. He pulled the door toward him and took in the sight of the empty apartment. His heart sank expectedly and he closed it quietly behind him.

The room had a grayish empty feeling to it. Nobody had moved in yet. It still felt as if she would walk in at any moment. Everything was exactly as he remembered. That was good, considering how faulty his long-term memory was.

Dust had collected on the kitchen counter, as was evident after he’d rested his hand on it. He brushed it against his jeans and inspected the drawers. Not even the silverware had been removed yet.

His thoughts were interrupted by an almost inaudible thump. His head jerked upward, looking in the direction of the sound. His hand immediately found one of the kitchen knives as he quietly made his way into Leah’s old bedroom. The door was open slightly, but he couldn’t see inside.

He pushed it open without a sound, and stood in silence for a moment. Sitting on the bed was a dark haired woman with her back toward him. It was the same color as Leah’s, albeit a bit shorter. He dropped the knife to the floor but hardly noticed the clanking sound that startled the woman on the bed.

She jolted around and Kenny thought he might pass out.

“…Leah?”

She stood up, visibly terrified. “Who the hell are you?! What are you doing here?!”

Calm down.

‘I can’t… it… she…’

She’s not Leah. Leah’s dead. You know that.

‘But it… she looks just like her.’

Think rationally. You’ve seen her before.

“Are… are you all right?” Her voice interrupted his mental conversation. He’d not had one of those in a while.

He snapped back into reality. “No – I… yes I’m fine, it’s just, you… you look so much like her…”

“Like who?” She asked, narrowing her eyes.

“The woman who used to live here. Her name was Leah…. Are you the new owner? The door was opened and I wasn’t sure if the place had been sold yet. I just came by to see if I’d left anything.” Kenny had always been a good liar.

“You’ve been here before?”

He rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “I stayed with her for a while… a long time by my standards, actually. I guess I was something like a boyfriend to her.” The word ‘boyfriend’ sounded very unnatural coming from his lips. They weren’t exactly conventional. She was always Leah, and did whatever she wanted to do while he was Kenny and neither had to answer to one another. He guessed that the best word for it was ‘understanding’. ‘Relationship’ didn’t really fit their nature.

“You’re Kenny, aren’t you?”

“That depends.” He said, “Who are you?”

“I’m Lynn. She was my sister.”

Revelation struck him. “You two really look alike…”

“I know.” She said, turning her gaze downward.

“I shouldn’t have said that… I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

Awkward silence passed between them.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how’d you know my name?” He didn’t really care if she minded; he was going to ask anyway.

“Oh, that.” She said, “Her diary… she wrote a lot about you. Mostly in the last month or so. When you said that you had lived with her, I assumed you were the person she was talking about.” She rummaged through her bag, searching for something.

“I didn’t know she kept a diary…” He mused, more to himself than anyone else.

“Here… here it is.” She said, revealing the aforementioned book. “You’re welcome to it. I think she probably would have wanted you to see it.”

“Thank you.” He replied, not really thankful for the gesture but appreciative nonetheless.

“You’re welcome.” She collected her things and before he had realized it, she had left.

He just sat numbly on the corner of her bed, staring at the leather-bound book almost as if he expected it to open by itself. He wanted to read it, but part of him felt like he shouldn’t. Those were her private thoughts and feelings, and he had no right to them. Then again, she was always very open with him and had probably shared with him everything she had written about. Obviously there were things concerning him, as her sister had implied, so he deserved to know at least those. That was how he planned on justifying it, anyway.

Just read the damn thing.

He sighed in annoyance and held the book on his lap. Slowly, reluctantly, he opened the cover and flipped through the pages until he finally came across one with his name on it.

…the meeting was pretty grueling. Went to a bar to relax afterward, and I swear I saw him there. I know it probably wasn’t, but this guy looked so much like Kenny… I almost asked, but I realized how impossible it would have been. He looked like he recognized me for a second… it was kinda weird. That was one person I never thought I’d see again. Never did find out what happened to him. I wonder if he even remembers me… God, it was so long ago. Jesus, I feel old. Well, not really, but you know. So that was the interesting point of the day. Otherwise, the same old bullshit…

So it had been her at that pool hall. He could really only remember seeing her… and the rest of the details were lost on him. He knew that he had seen her from across the room, made eye contact, and then broke away and beyond that everything went fuzzy. Strange. He continued to flip through, looking for something more specific.

She wrote religiously, only missing a day once in a while. He wondered why he hadn’t realized it. She couldn’t have done it while he slept, because he didn’t. Maybe during those times when he would get in after her… but those times were few. Maybe he just hadn’t noticed. He sighed, deciding that he didn’t really care and scanned the page. He flipped to the next one and scanned again. He repeated this process a few more times and finally found something worth reading.

I can officially die complete. Yeah, I already know how weird that sounds. I’ll admit it’s not a practical goal, but then again, I’m not really practical. I ran into Kenny at a bar I picked by chance. Ken Johnson. So impossible. I did not expect that one. He looks pretty much the same, obviously older, and still to die for. That’s my opinion, anyway. He said he was in some kind of accident and doesn’t remember much… and I guess that’s a blessing for him.

Anyway, I’ll just get straight to the good part. Went back to his room and I can honestly say it was worth the wait. Yeah I’m laughing right now. Not gonna go into detail because if someone finds this, it could get awkward. But God, it was good. Okay, I’m done.

He’s really changed a lot since the last time I saw him. I mean, that was years ago, but still, it’s like everything about him is different. Except there’s still that something about him. I wish I knew how to explain it. It’s that feeling I get when I look at him… ugh, I sound like a cheap drugstore novel.

I wish I hadn’t left like I did. I feel like I should’ve answered his questions… but I’m not sure he’d really want to know. There are so many people who struggle their whole lives trying to cope with the effects of abuse, and by some miracle, he’ll never have to remember that. I sound like Lynn. I guess I’m picking up that psychobabble talk. She hates when I call it that… so I really only do it every chance I have! But I’m getting off topic.

So she hadn’t been kidding. She’d actually meant all those things she said about him being the one thing she wanted in life and everything else he’d assumed was bullshit. He shook his head and sighed. He still couldn’t understand why. What the hell had she actually seen in him? What in him was worth redeeming? Hadn’t it been obvious enough by his living conditions that he was anything but respectable? It was almost as if it didn’t matter to her. It frustrated him. Why had she been so stupid to trust him? Had she no sense of self-preservation?

It was a question he’d never be able to answer. Then again, he wasn’t really sure that he would believe the answer she probably would have given him anyway. His eyes scanned the next few pages and he continued reading.

He showed up at my doorstep earlier, and God he looked like a mess. I was thrilled he came to me, but I had no idea what to do. We ended up fighting, I don’t even know over what. He told me he doesn’t sleep. I know that can’t be healthy for him… but he says he has flashbacks when he dreams. They can’t be good, but I still think that maybe he needs to know what happened to him. I mean, losing more than half your life… I can’t imagine that. He’s staying with me tonight. He’s more than welcome to stay longer. I hope he does. I don’t know how he’s survived this long on his own. He seems to be getting by, but just barely.

This all seems so surreal. But logically, I guess I’m the only person he has do go to, even if he’s really only met me once. Life is so strange.

He skipped ahead, to another passage.

He found that book he gave to me all those years ago. He seemed genuinely interested in wanting to hear about his past this time… so I told him. He’s been getting better lately. I mean it’s strange to live with someone else but it kind of fell into place after a while. It just feels right for some reason. He makes me feel safe. I know I shouldn’t because of the circumstances, but there’s just something about him that makes me completely at ease. I do think that he’s a good man. He’s just been through so much shit, and I have no idea what else since I’ve seen him. Yeah, he’s fucked in the head, but so am I and so is everyone. He’s just so calm… almost all the time. I guess I kind of admire him for it. He’s got so much strength. He’ll never know, and never believe me, but to have just made it this far alive is more than I would have expected. He really does seem to be getting better. I considered introducing him to Lynn, letting her do the psychotherapy thing or whatever it is she does. He’d probably know what I was doing right away and be hurt. I don’t want him to think that I don’t trust him, or that I think he’s incapable. Disturbed, obviously. Mentally scarred, definitely. But he understands that and it’s a mutual acknowledgement. I don’t want to create any animosity. That would be the last thing we need.

I can’t help but worry about him. Not his sanity or anything, but I worry that maybe I’m not helping or that I’m doing something wrong or keeping him from his life. But he seems to want to stay, so I can’t argue with his actions.

I think I just need to get some rest.

“She really cared about me.” He said aloud to no one in particular. “She trusted me. I made her feel safe. Out of all people. Me. That’s hilarious.”

She knew you’d never hurt her. She wasn’t wrong about that.

He sighed. ‘I know.’

You wish you had been honest with her.

‘Maybe.’

He didn’t know, truthfully, if honesty would have been the best choice given their situation. She would have felt so used and cheap and violated, and he could never say or do anything to make her believe otherwise. He felt horrible knowing that she was in love with something he wasn’t. She had seen him as a mess, but she had never seen him as a monster. She never knew that part of him, and he wondered if she had some influence over it. Maybe she had been the antidote to his madness. The cure was short lived though, and his supply had been cut off.

You saw how she reacted when you brought up Tess.

He had. She became a completely different person and withdrew from him almost entirely.

He remembered something else today. He said once before that he had a knack for remembering horrible things, and I have to admit that he’s been right. It still terrifies me to think about. I explained everything. He seemed pretty disturbed by it. So much so that when I came home, he was still out of it. He wanted to know why I let him stay with me. I guess I did it because I could. That something that always drew me to him is still there. The sex is a nice plus, but that’s not why I did it. I think I genuinely want to help him… if I can. I don’t know if I’ve really done much but he seems like he’s happier. He told me I made him happy. That’s enough for me.

And after that, he was left with nothing but blank pages. He closed the book and gently put it aside. He didn’t move. He just sat there, on her bed, and stared at the wall. So many things were running through his mind that he was unable to focus on any single one of them. He distanced himself from these thoughts and images and drifted.

When he blinked himself back into reality again, Kenny found himself still facing the same wall he’d chosen as his focal point earlier… when the sun had still been out. Obviously time had elapsed but the idea failed to prove significant. He rubbed his dry eyes and slowly stood up.

‘This is the last time I’m going to be here.’ He thought to himself as he took one last panoramic of the room. It wouldn’t mean much, considering his memory, but the intention was there. He grabbed the journal and slipped it inside his coat before he left the bedroom for the last time.

It felt cold in her living room, and the kitchen that had previously seemed to hiss angrily at him was eerily silent.

No one was waiting for her to come back.

Three knocks sounded at the door. She wondered who would be stopping by so late, but ever since… ever since it happened, she had lived in fear of late night phone calls and visits. She sighed as she unbolted her door, but did not open it.

“Who is it?”

There was a hesitation. “I… I met you this afternoon in Leah’s apartment. I wanted to give you her journal back.”

She recognized the voice and released the remaining lock and opened the door.

“Hi. I… I just thought you might want this. I read through it, thanks for letting me.”

“It’s fine. You had the right to know. Would you like to come in?”

He was a little surprised, but obliged anyway. “Thank you.”

Her taste in decorating was much different than Leah’s. That was the first thing he noticed.

“Would you like a drink?”

“No, I’m fine, thanks.”

“Well, I need one.”

Kenny followed her into the kitchen and watched her pour a considerably sized glass of Vodka.

She took a drink from it and sighed. “You sure about that?”

“Maybe just one.”

She nodded. “What’s your poison?”

“Whatever you’ve got.”

She nodded and handed him a glass of something he hadn’t watched her pour. He drank some and realized it was gin.

She took a seat at the kitchen table and indicated for him to do the same. He pulled the chair out to sit face-to-face without the interference of the table between them.

“How’ve you been?” She asked.

He sighed, almost laughed and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know if there’s a word for how I’ve been lately. What about you?”

“Same.”

“I figured as much. Here’s to misery.” He said, raising his glass.

She jointed the toast by clinking her glass against hers, “I’ll drink to that.” She said, and proceeded to do so.

“I’m not an alcoholic or anything,” she said, “It’s just since Leah, you know, I’ve been… but not a lot, just to help me sleep at night.”

He closed his eyes and nodded. “I’ve been doing a lot of that too. From what Leah wrote, you seem really intelligent.”

“Thanks. Maybe. I don’t know. I feel like I should be over this by now. This is what I do for a living. I help people with problems I get them over things; trauma, death… and I can’t get myself to come to grips with this. It’s pathetic. I’m a fraud.”

“You’re not pathetic. Or a fraud.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know it’s harder to take advice than give it.”

She sighed. “Yeah. I just wish it was easier.’

“Me too.” He agreed.

“You know… I always wondered what it would be like to be her. Live her life.”

“Why?” He asked.

She sighed. “She just had this way about her. This… wild, uninhibited personality. I mean, it got her in trouble when we were kids, but even then it made her happy. Like when she got arrested and we picked her up at the station, she’d made friends with three of the cops and had this huge smile on her face. Even in the car of the way home, our father was lecturing her and threatening her and all that and she just smiled. So he finally goes, ‘have you learned your lesson?’ and she says, ‘yeah. But I’d do it again’.”

“Leah got arrested?”

“For stealing a pylon.”

He looked at her in confusion.

“A parking cone.”

“Oh.” He nodded.

“I was always the good one. The straight-laced cookie-cutter model of a girl. I went to Ivy League, she went where she felt at home. I graduated and got a great job with an equally great salary, she changed majors six times and held at least twelve jobs before she found the firm. I dated the safe guys, she dated the reckless ones.”

“Like me.”

“I guess.” She replied, “But she always had passionate relationships. She was in love when she was with someone. I was always in these half empty romances… I don’t know what I’m getting at. I guess I just wish that I could be like that. Have you ever been in love, Kenny?”

He ran a hand through his hair. He hated that question. “Maybe once.”

“With her?”

He stared down at his drink. “Yeah. With her.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’?”

“Why did you love her? What about her did you fall in love with?”

He sighed. “In retrospect… everything. Even the way she used to cut her food wrong.”

Lynn looked at him with a laugh, “What did she do?”

“She held the fork wrong… put the knife in the wrong place. It annoyed the hell out of me.”

“Did you tell her that?”

“Yeah. A bunch of times. She just looked at me, nodded and said ‘okay’ and went back to cutting it wrong. She called it ‘her style’. After a while I think it was just to tease me.”

She laughed.

“But she did put up with me, so I really can’t say anything against her. For that, she was a saint.”

“I’m sure you’re not too bad.” Lynn replied.

“Oh you’d be surprised.” He said. “She was there whenever I needed her, and even when I didn’t. One of those people who knew what to say even if it was the last thing you wanted to hear. And she’d have no qualms saying it either.”

“She always was blunt.”

Kenny nodded. “Couldn’t get anything past her. She was just so in control of everything.”

“…Kinky.”

Kenny was surprised at the randomness of Lynn’s response, but chalked it up to the alcohol and laughed. “Not exactly… butI do have a very funny story about that, actually.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. But you definitely don’t wanna hear it.”

“I think I do.”

“No, you really don’t.”

“Yes I do.” She persisted with a grin, “I could use a good laugh.”

He sighed with a smile. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I won’t.”

He was beginning to suspect that Lynn was slightly tipsy and he could feel himself approaching the same state. “So this one time I bought a pair of handcuffs. I don’t why, but I did. Probably because I’m a perverted bastard. Yep. I think that was it. So she came home and we were talking and one thing led to another and I asked her if she trusted me. She said she did, so I asked her to prove it and she called me a perverted bastard when she saw the handcuffs but she gave in anyway… so she’s being all nice to me and before I know it, she has me handcuffed to the bed.”

Lynn laughed hard, and so did Kenny. It felt nice to laugh.

“Good story.”

“I think so.”

“So she really was the one in control after all…”

“No… but I wasn’t either. It was pretty much give and take. Nobody was in control of the other.”

“You said before that she was.”

Right. Before the handcuff tangent. “No, not at all. She just… she knew how to command herself. I don’t know how to explain it. Self-assured is the word I’m looking for. She was always so sure of herself and her life.”

“I wish I could be like that.”

“You seem self-assured to me.”

She nodded in disagreement. “No.” Sobriety seemed to be setting in. “Is it strange that I think about her life? I should know, it’s what I do for a living… but I just can’t figure it out anymore.”

“Seems understandable to me.”

“Really?”

“Everyone wonders what it would feel like to break the mold and be someone else for a day.”

“I guess. I wish we’d been closer.”

“I thought you were.”

She sighed. “Doesn’t matter. Can’t help but wish for more time.”

“Amen to that.” He replied.

A long pause ensued, but not an awkward one. Lynn rose from her seat and brought two bottles over to the table where they were sitting. Kenny took one and she settled down with the other.

“She really cared about you.”

“I know.”

“Me saying that makes it harder, doesn’t it?”

He nodded.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s all right.”

They sat in silence for hours. He measured the duration in empty liquor bottles until he lost count. They were a few feet from each other yet they were both rooted firmly in completely different worlds. Kenny wasn’t sure where exactly his mind was, but it was quiet for once so he allowed it to wander off and had no desire for it to return.

He wasn’t sure how it happened. Whether it had been her who initiated the action or himself. Perhaps it was mutual. Either way, it was irrelevant. What was important was that it happened, and once it had, there was no stopping the consequences of what followed.

When he realized what was happening, he found himself in the bedroom half dressed. He was kissing her, and even after noticing this he made no conscious effort to stop. There was no turning back tonight. Everything inside him screamed against it, that this was the ultimate sacrilege to Leah’s memory. He was desecrating her image in the very epitome of deplorable acts, but his body refused to obey. Finally, something familiar, it said, go to it.

He was going to fuck her. He knew it.

He wanted to stop with every fiber of his being, but he found himself no longer in control of his actions. He had forfeited his claim to them long ago and now suffered at the mercy of his vices.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned

She lay back on the bed, expecting him to follow suit. He swallowed hard; fighting the rising nausea he felt pooling in his stomach. He couldn’t look. Every time he did, all he could see was her. They looked similar enough to fool him in a sober mindset, but the drunken haze rendered them identical. It was like a nightmare. The worst one he’d ever had.

It has been forever since my last confession

He kept his face buried in the pillow as his head pulsed with pain. His entire skull spiked violently, as if tendrils of agony had intertwined themselves within his brain. He cried out from the pain, numb to the pleasure.

“…Kenny…”

Though they had distinct voices, all he could hear was Leah calling out in his mind from somewhere in his memory. It felt like forever since he’d heard her speak.

‘Just close your eyes’ he told himself, ‘pretend it’s her’.

Slowly the haze in his head began to clear. His thoughts were dissipating, quickly replaced with other thoughts relating to his current physical state.

His senses were reawakening. He felt the heat radiating off is body, the shortness of air in his lungs, that tingling pinprick sensation he knew well. It was all returning, threatening a sensory overload in a way that was quite pleasant. Nails dug into his shoulders but he didn’t mind the pain, it only heightened the intensity of the experience.

Yes, yes, oh god ohgodyes. This was what he needed.

How long had it been? He couldn’t remember. Too long, indeed. It had been far too long since he’d been touched.

There was no room for rational thought. Faster, harder, closer, more, yes, faster, close so closesoclosesocloseohgoddon’tstopohohgod

“Leah…”

A long, shaky moan.

Somewhere in his mind he was embarrassed and horrified at what he’d just said. At the time, however, he simply breathed heavily and then collapsed. He waited for composure but hoped it would never come.

She was silent beside him, and he made no attempt to start a conversation. They had nothing to say to each other.

When he got up to leave, she made to move to stop him. She just watched him in a lazy, almost bored way. They’d both gotten what they wanted. Kenny got to be with Leah again and Lynn got to be her sister for a few hours.

He wondered if it was everything she’d imagined.

A/N: I can’t write porn. I physically can’t do explicit sex scenes. I get all embarrassed and feel so dirty. I can read ‘em just fine, but something about writing them just doesn’t work. The closest to descriptive sex was installment 14 with that chick in the elevator. Weird. The point of explaining my porn-handicap is to note that I originally wanted the sex to be more descriptive so I could fit the Act of Contrition in there to mirror Kenny’s actions with his emotions and irony and all that. But I felt so dirty I couldn’t do it. I need to hire a porn secretary. Someone to write the porn. Not really porn, cause it’s not for that purpose… so I guess it would me Mature Content Assistant. Yes! Anyone want to apply? Aaaaaaanyway, if the sex seems random, it’s because of my explicit scene ineptitude. This took forever to write.