Darker Shades of Fear

(Installment 23)

And there's a demon in my head who starts to play

A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday

And I hold my breath till it's more than I can take

And I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake

I try to keep awake

But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide

Into another nightmare

***

“You WHAT?!” he cried out in sheer terror and disbelief.

“I – I don’t know, it happened so fast – we were at my house and she was leading me on and shit – and oh God, Kenny… I – I didn’t mean to hurt her, I swear! I loved her, you know I loved her!” The boy outside his window rambled in hysteria.

…This couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t. It had to be some dream, some horrible nightmare that he’d soon wake from… but that was a lie and deep down he knew it. No matter how strongly he tried to deny its truth, it would only serve to make the situation worse. He gripped the window’s ledge and steadied himself, trying to collect his thoughts. “What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t… I don’t know, Kenny. I don’t know anything anymore! I just know that my girlfriend’s dead and I’m going to jail! Oh Jesus…” He sobbed, collapsing involuntarily to his knees.

Kenny, against all his better judgment, climbed out his window and crouched down beside his terrified friend. He tried to hide his own fear from his voice as he spoke, “You’re not going to jail, Clark.”

“Yes I am… I can’t hide this, I can’t get away from it, I did something bad, Kenny, I’m going to get punished and… and…”

He watched as Clark burst into another fit of hysterical sobs.

“I’m… I’m just like my father.”

“Don’t say that, Clark.”

“But I am!” He cried, “I killed Tess! I – I’m a monster, Kenny, I did exactly what I hated my father for doing… except he never killed anyone!”

Kenny couldn’t find the words, if there were any, to comfort his friend.

“And I hate him! I hate him for everything he did to my mother, to me! I hate his fucking guts, but… but now… I’m no better than he is…”

“Just breathe, Clark. You need to calm down-”

“I can’t fucking calm down!!”

“You have to!” Kenny replied forcefully. “You have to calm down and get a grip on yourself or we’ll never be able to fix this!”

Clark nodded, closing his eyes and steadying his breathing. He was still visibly terrified, but he’d finally managed to subdue his panic.

“Okay. Now tell me exactly what happened.”

“She… she wanted to go back to my house, ‘cause she knew my mom wasn’t home. We got there and we started fooling around, you know? And she’s telling me she wants to do it, not to stop and whatever… then all of a sudden, she tells me no. She says that she’s changed her mind and doesn’t feel like it tonight, and… so I asked her if we could, anyway, just because we were already this far and it wouldn’t be any longer than like twenty minutes, and she’s all like ‘no, I gotta go home, I don’t want to’, so I told her that it wasn’t like we’d never done it before, and that I’ve made sacrifices for her so she should do this little thing for me, so she starts to yell and she’s trying to push me off her, but I just stopped listening and I… I fucked her anyway….” He paused, as if reliving the experience and it registered on his face.

“She just cried for two hours. I tried to talk to her, but she just pushed me away… and she had every reason to. So finally she stands up and starts screaming at me, telling me how she’s calling the police and how I was going to jail and I got so scared… she went for the door but I grabbed her, I didn’t mean to throw her, but I think I did because she fell backwards and hit her head on my floor… she tried to get up, but I pinned her there… and she was screaming and crying and screaming and God, I – I couldn’t take it. I just wanted to make it stop… I – it didn’t feel like it was me. I felt like I had just gone away and someone else was making me do it. I – I didn’t even feel my hands around her neck… but when I was back, when I knew it was me, they were still there… and she… she wasn’t breathing…”

“Does anyone else know about this?”

“Fuck no!”

“Okay.” Kenny sighed. Up until now, he’d seriously considered suggesting that Clark just go to the police and accept the consequences… that was what one part of him said. That he should realize the severity of what had happened, that his best friend was now a murderer. But another part reminded him that Clark was still his friend. He hadn’t done it intentionally, and considering the behaviors of his father, such things should have been expected of him. That was another thing. Clark just couldn’t go to jail… his mother shouldn’t have to see her son in the same light as she had seen her husband. But that was all the more reason to go to the authorities. It was a painful conundrum and any possible solution would involve someone getting hurt.

He would’ve continued pondering it, but his thoughts were cut short by the sound of Clark’s sobs. He looked up from the grass and saw that the hysteria had again taken control of his friend. It hurt Kenny more than he would have thought. He’d never seen Clark cry. He was always the stronger of the two… but the deciding factor was that if the situation were reversed, if it were Kenny sobbing under his window past midnight, Clark wouldn’t hesitate a second to help him.

“C’mon, don’t cry.” He said, “I’ve got an idea.”

He stirred from sleep, opening his eyes wide, breathing a little faster than usual. His heart and his head both ached and he cursed himself for falling asleep after cursing that goddamn noise in is head. He sat up and held his head in his hands as the sensation of vertigo washed over him. His head felt like of those rectangular seesaws filled with enough liquid to keep the box bobbing up and down.

“You okay?” Leah’s voice cut through the dull pain. She was awake already.

“Yeah, I’m fine… I’ve just got a headache.”

“Probably from straining your eyes on that book all yesterday.” She replied.

It was the most logical explanation, and he certainly wasn’t about to disclose the specifics of his internal conversation. When he opened his eyes, she was standing in front of him with a glass of water and two Advil. He thanked her and took the medicine, debating whether or not to ask her…

“Leah?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember… was there… who was Tess?” He asked, and immediately regretted it.

Her expression changed, “You remember that?”

“Not specifically… just her name and her face… and that something bad happened to her.”

She looked away, as if struggling mentally.

“Leah?” he asked, “Who was she?”

“Clark’s girlfriend.” She replied tersely.

“What happened to her?”

Leah showed every indication that she didn’t want to explain it. She had a pained expression on her face as she spoke, “She died.”

“…How?”

She sighed. “Murdered.”

“Why? By who?”

“Look, Kenny, I really don’t feel like discussing it.”

“You said that I needed to remember what happened to me. I don’t know why I remember her, but I have a feeling it’s important.”

“Christ, Kenny, how could you forget it?”

“Massive head trauma.” He said, relying on his default alibi.

“…I’m sorry, I forgot.” She apologized and continued after a long pause, “Tess… they found her in the woods not far from the high school. First they suspected Clark, because he was her boyfriend. He would’ve gone to jail when they decided to investigate the school. One of the janitors… they found pictures of Tess in his locker. He had a record, you know, of hurting women before. The school was on her way home from Clark’s, and she’d died two hours after he’d seen her. The case was pretty much closed after that. …It was scary. I mean, we were living with a killer and we never even knew it.”

Her words had hurt more than they were meant to, for obvious reasons. They echoed in his ears over and over and over again.

We were living with a killer and we never even knew it.

Living with a killer and we never even knew it.

And we never even knew it.

Oh, Leah, if you only knew how real what you had said was. He couldn’t help but feel dirty, as if their every interaction had been a lie. And in a way, it was. He had always believed in ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’, but it felt so wrong to lie to her like this. After everything she’d done for him, he was using her. Using her home, her life, her body… everything. Nothing was sacred.

He still had blood on his hands, and no matter how many times he washed them he knew it would never be gone. He could physically erase every speck of blood from his palms, but he’d never be able to remove the stain from his mind.

“Well, what did you expect?”

Oh shit.

“That she would fix you? Make you all normal again so the two of you could live together in domestic bliss? Did you really think that she could make you happy? You’d get a real job in a real neighborhood where Leah could stay home and raise your five children?”

He clenched his jaw furiously.

“…Awww… you did? That’s so sweet. Really. Now excuse me while I hurl projectile vomit from my every orifice.”

‘You don’t have any fucking orifices. You’re a voice in my head, one which I’m currently trying to ignore.’

“That’s certainly gotten you somewhere, hasn’t it? Ignoring things, ignoring me? You’re still a killer, Kenny. You always will be, because it’s all you know.”

‘People change.’ He replied.

“Yes, yes they do. But you’re not exactly a person… you’re, well… how can I put it nicely? You’re… more like an infection.”

‘I don’t have to listen to this.’

“Because you know it’s true. You’re destruction. You infect everything you touch. Every living thing you come in contact with achieves nothing but misery. You’ve seen it happen all your life, Kenny. You just don’t remember it.”

‘That – that can’t be right.’

“Well, I certainly hope you don’t think that you’ve done humanity any favors.”

‘What about Isabel?’

“I’m not going to touch that one with the proverbial ten foot pole.”

‘Just leave me alone, okay?’

“Why? Why do I bother you so much?”

‘Because you’re distracting,’ he seethed inwardly, ‘you make no sense, you’re inherently masochistic, and you annoy the living hell out of me.’

“Yes, Kenny. I’m inherently masochistic.”

‘It’s the truth.’

It laughed, “Okay. Just look at your arm. Go ahead, Kenny, just take a quick look. Tell me what you see.”

Grudgingly, he examined both forearms and took immediate notice of the scars adorning his left limb. ‘You can’t prove I did that.’ Kenny replied in thought, ‘I could’ve gotten those climbing a fence.’

“Why are they on only one arm?”

‘I’m sure there was a reason.’

“You really don’t remember doing that, do you?” it asked, intrigued.

‘I didn’t!’ he retorted, resorting to the most primal defense mechanism of mankind.

“It’s a little late for denial.” It replied, “Especially after you relived it during your incredible drinking binge, resulting in what was quite possibly the world’s longest hangover?”

In one overwhelming moment, the scene flashed before him as he gripped his head in an instinctual response.

“I shouldda known. You gotta stop this shit.”

“I deserved it.”

“Christ, Ken, do you know how fucked up that sounds?”

“Why do you do that?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

“See?” It replied in a sadistically didactic manner, “You do remember!”

“Just leave me alone!” He cried aloud.

“You know what you have to do, Kenny. Leave before you hurt her.”

‘…What do you want from me?’

“If you can’t answer that question, then neither can I.”

“God damnit.” He sighed aloud in aggravation, but his only reply was the silence of Leah’s empty apartment.

She entered the room with a smile, performing her customary actions before throwing herself down on the couch beside Kenny, who appeared to be deep in thought. He turned to face her, wondering why the hell she was so happy.

“You’re home early.” He observed.

“I know.”

“Why the hell are you so happy?”

“Do I really need a reason?” She replied, leaning in for a kiss.

He wasn’t really in the mood, but obliged nonetheless.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“I’m fine.” He lied.

“Bullshit.” She said, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, really. Just thinking.”

“That’s dangerous for you.” She joked, and then asked seriously, “About what?”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Can we talk about it later?”

“Why? So I’ll forget to bring it up again?”

“That, and the fact that I’m not really thinking about anything.”

“But you were thinking.”

“Yes. In a very general sense.”

“You can’t just think. You’ve got to be concerned with something.”

“Then spacing-out was more the word I was looking for.”

She sighed with a small smile, conceding the argument and unwilling to pry any further for information. Instead of talking, she just put her hands to his shoulders and began to rub the muscles in a comforting motion. He relaxed considerably as she continued to work the knots out of his back. She leaned in and kissed his neck, demonstrating her effectiveness at multitasking. He lolled his head back, making a noise that affirmed he was enjoying it. He angled his head, enabling him to kiss her, and from there, things progressed as expected.

“So, are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?” She asked unexpectedly.

He looked down, “Why did you do this? Let me stay with you?”

“Because I wanted to.”

He nodded, accepting her response. “Thanks.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Kenny.”

He sighed.

“What?”

“No, it’s just… I don’t know. You make me happy, I guess.”

She smiled. “Careful. You keep saying things like that and I might fall in love with you.”

The look in her eyes said that she was already in love with him. It brought a disgusting feeling of shame over him as he kissed her goodnight, though he still refused to sleep.

He just watched her sleep until the morning. However it ended, he decided, it would kill both of them. Like most things, Kenny was only half right about this.