Darker Shades of Fear

(Installment 22)

Now eyes see comets perfect timing squeeze
Head first fighting everything
The crushing force of memory
Erasing all I've been
The vanishing point appeared.

I looked for you everywhere.
I looked for you everywhere.
Tell me why you're here.
I came to disappear

***

The first few days were odd. It was difficult to get used to, spending so much time with someone else especially when you’ve been alone for as long as you can remember. Even though she went to work and he did his thing, he saw her more in one day than he did the bartender, which upon further reflection he concluded was absolutely pathetic. It was odd, but he wasn’t quite sure that he minded it. It was a comforting thought, to know that you really weren’t alone in the universe at the end of the day. He had someone to sleep next to, someone who gave a shit whether or not he lived or died. Well, that made one person. He couldn’t help but smile and laugh at the thought that he might eventually come around to the idea himself.

Among the many differences he’d encountered during his stay with Leah, he noticed that another change, one which he also found completely weird. It felt like it had been this way forever, when in reality it might have been a little over a week. He still didn’t care about the time, but that didn’t matter. He would go back to the apartment a little after dark, and she would be there, ready to force food down his throat, fuck, relax, or simply keep to herself… or something to that effect. She still didn’t ask where he was or what he did, and he was grateful for that. He didn’t really know what to call their current arrangement. They had crossed the “friends” boundary line, but they were nothing remotely close to “lovers”. He knew it couldn’t end happily for either of them, but abstained from voicing this opinion, as it would probably upset Leah, but also because really, he didn’t want to think about it.

He still didn’t sleep, but he told her he did. Something told him she knew that he was lying, but she said nothing to question his integrity. His memories were again tucked away, but for some reason they were not entirely forgotten. He could deal with that, though, in comparison to how it had been in the weeks before. No more panic attacks or paranoia, no blackouts or broken beer bottles… just peace and quiet and comfort. He was determined to make this solace last as long as it possibly could, before fate could snatch it away again… though he knew in the back of his head that fate was just an excuse for why he would eventually fuck it up.

Today, he took to lounging about her apartment. He’d showered, eaten, watched a little TV, and made a considerable dent in one of Leah’s books, which he was still reading. He had tried to put it down, but he found it addictive to the point where it completely sucked him in and refused to let go. He loved reading, but it had been a while before a book had enthralled him to this extent.

It made him think. Question himself, his existence, and his ideals. It stirred emotions, but not in the negative way he’d so long felt them. It did seem vaguely familiar to him, some of the points made and ideology explained therein, but this was a soothing kind of familiarity, one he was up until this point, certain could not exist.

It made him wonder if maybe he might have had some good memories. Maybe there had been times during which he experienced this pacifying calm. Maybe he’d lost something truly wonderful along with the bad memories. What if, for every horrible moment he’d forgotten, he also lost one of happiness? Was it at all possible that things hadn’t really been as bad as they seemed?

He doubted it.

But still, he kept reading.

He was nearly through when he heard the familiar jangle of keys and the click of the lock and the small squeak as the door opened and Leah stepped through. He heard the sound of her keys hitting the glass tabletop, the muffled thud of her purse landing on the armchair, and the customary sigh of relief before she stepped out of her shoes and acknowledged his presence.

“Hey, Kenny. What’s up?” It wasn’t exactly the kind of greeting one would hear in the movies, but however is quite standard in real life.

“Trying to finish this book.” He replied, distracted.

“Which one?” She asked, moving closer to get a glimpse of the cover. He looked up from the literature and noticed a very knowing, contented grin. Wordlessly, she walked across the room, opening her bedroom door. “I’ll be in the shower.” She said before disappearing through the door.

He sighed to himself, rolling his eyes. It wasn’t like he’d never seen her naked before. Women were indeed bizarre…. He shrugged and went back to the book. For some reason, Leah’s smile made him curious. She knew something about the book that he didn’t… and it nagged at him.

He’d debated just walking into the shower and asking her, but after thinking about it, he decided that the initial shock of him randomly doing so without warning might have an unwanted Norman Bates-esque effect. So he just waited for her to finish her shower, and then he would ask. It all worked out rather conveniently in the end, because by the time she finally emerged, he’d finally finished the book.

“Did you eat yet?” She asked, walking toward the kitchen.

“No. I was reading most of the day.”

“Oh.” She replied, “Is leftover chicken okay? It’s that, or frozen pizza and I don’t want the chicken to go bad…”

“Chicken is fine, Leah.” He replied.

“Did you finish?”

“What?”

“The book. Did you finish reading it?”

“Yeah, while you were in the shower.”

She was smiling again, “What’d you think of it?”

“I fucking loved it.”

“I can’t say that surprises me, Ken.” She replied, setting the microwave timer still wearing that ‘I-know-something-you-don’t-know’ grin.

“It was kind of weird though.” He said.

“How so?”

“I don’t know… I felt like I had - ”

“Read it before?” he said and she asked simultaneously.

Silence passed between them with the exception of the faint humming noise of the microwave in the background. Thankfully, the appliance broke this awkward pause by emitting four or five sharp beeps.

“I hate that fucking microwave.” She said, opening the door and taking its contents out.

“Maybe I have read it before…” he mused, rubbing the back of his neck. “Where did you get it?”

She sighed, “Are you sure you want to know?”

He wondered for a moment, and then nodded yes.

“You gave it to me.” She explained, fidgeting with a dishtowel, her body turned to face the counter, away from Kenny.

“When?”

“A month and a half before you left.” She replied laconically.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t remember.” He confessed. “Can you tell me what happened?”

This time, she turned around wearing a semi-shocked expression. “Yeah… sure. I mean, it’s not much of a story. You and me were friends, I always liked you – but I never told you or anything, that’s not the point. Anyway, you used to carry it around with you all the time. I’d see you reading it, or you’d have it in your backpack or something like that. We were both in the library… you were just reading and by then I had finished my homework and finally got the guts to talk to you.”

“I thought you said that we were friends.”

“We were.” She replied, “But not outside of school… eh, I was a teenager, I was entitled to be stupid and awkward.”

He nodded and allowed her to continue.

“So, to make a long story short, I asked what you were reading and you told me. I remember you got really excited about it… I’d never seen you like that before. Then, you gave it to me and told me to read it. I said no at first, but you made me. I tried to give it back the night you left, but you said I should keep it. I… I held on to it for one reason or another. After you left it was like you had just disappeared. Like you never existed at all. That book was really the only proof I had.” She finished, allowing silence to pass. “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

He cocked an eyebrow, “You just took one.”

“I did?” She asked.

“Your hair is still wet.” He reminded.

“Oh… you’re right.” She replied, after feeling her hair.

Insert another awkward pause here.

“Thanks, Leah.”

She saw that he meant it too. He hadn’t asked her to explain solely to humor her against his inclinations. She seemed to relax a little, “Are you still hungry?”

“Sure.”

Things had eased between them as the night progressed, but she was definitely tired so she had gone to bed early. That was fine with Kenny, because he had enough on his mind. He guessed correctly that by the morning, everything would have reset itself, but for the time being, he remained lying static on the couch, sprawled out on his back. He was so, so sick of staring at ceilings so he instead picked the bedroom door as his focal point.

He sighed deeply, feeling oddly like the client of an invisible psychiatrist. He couldn’t help but laugh to himself at the thought.

“Tell me about your childhood.” His mind joked.

‘What childhood?’ Kenny replied mentally.

“The one you know you remember.”

Oh Jesus. This wasn’t happening again… was it?

“Oh, but it is.”

He groaned aloud.

“Now, what were your parents like?” it questioned in a tone dripping with artificial sweetness.

‘You’re my goddamned brain, I think you can draw your own conclusions.’

“Oh, but it’s so much more fun this way, don’t you agree?”

‘No.’ he grumbled.

If he had to give this internal voice a face, he was certain that it would be grinning madly by now. “What’s the matter, Kenny? Don’t you remember it?”

He clenched his jaw, infuriated by this nagging. ‘You wanna know about my parents?! My mom was a knocked up prom queen and my father was… absolutely nothing but a fucking drunk.’

“I see.” It replied thoughtfully. “How did this effect your childhood?”

He sighed, ‘I didn’t have one. I was too busy getting the shit kicked out of me. Now, if you don’t mind, I have some things I’d like to think about.’

“Things? What things, Kenny?”

‘Personal things.’

It seemed to sigh, “Sometimes, I wonder how we’re the same entity.”

‘Goddamn you, just leave me alone.’

“Why? Afraid I might make you actually think?”

‘Fuck off.’

“Didn’t you learn your manners? That’s not a very nice thing to say to someone, especially to yourself.”

‘You give me new reason to hate myself.’

“Aww… I’m touched, really, I am.”

He rolled his eyes.

“You still don’t remember giving that book to Leah, do you?”

‘Ughhh… I knew this was coming.’

“I’d be forced to smack you if you didn’t.”

‘Because you can do that in NON CORPOREAL FORM!’

It laughed. “I suppose you’re right. But I could always resort to the metaphysical slap, couldn’t I?”

‘You’re such a bastard…’

“It hurts me when you say things like that, Kenny.”

‘Good.’

“Now what have I ever done to you to deserve that?”

‘Exist. Make me question what’s left of my remaining sanity. Interrupt my few moments of clarity. Annoy the fucking hell out of me.’

“And I suppose you think that I just adore you?”

‘You are me. You’re not real.’

“What is real, Kenny?”

‘I’m in no mood for philosophical debates.’

“Maybe I’m real. Maybe you’re the figment of my imagination…”

‘That’s not funny!’

“It would make sense…”

‘Stop it!’

“After all, I’m just a disembodied voice of reason… but you’re an uncatchable, unidentifiable murderer? Explain how that makes sense. How can you possibly prove that you exist?”

‘I – I th-’

“And please, don’t use that contigo ergo sum shit. I do find it so outdated.”

He was about to tear his hair out when he caught sight of the book he’d spent the day reading. He sat up and reached out, holding it in his hands. ‘This. This proves I exist.”

“Really? And how, pray tell, does it?”

‘Simple. I gave it to Leah in high school. She acknowledges my reality and existence, so even if I left again, she’d still have it as proof of me.’

“Ah, the book. You still don’t remember that, do you?”

He nodded no.

“Let me help you…”

“Hey… um, the library’s closing.” A familiar female voice said, interrupting his thoughts.

He looked at the clock. “Shit.”

“What? Are you okay?”

He sighed dejectedly. “I won’t be when I get home.”

She nodded, “Strict parents?”

“Alcoholic is more accurate.”

“Oh…” she replied, unsure of what else to say.

“Eh, maybe they’ll have passed out already.” He said, his tone noticeably brighter.

Her downcast eyes moved from the floor to the table where Kenny had been sitting. She noticed a certain book among his others that she recognized. She had seen him with it before… a lot of times, actually. Curiosity getting the better of her, she decided to ask about it. “Hey, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what’s that book you always read?”

“Oh, this?” He asked, taking it in his hands. “This is the most amazing book I’ve ever read. It just makes you think about so many things in so many different ways… like, perspectives I didn’t know existed!”

He continued to ramble on excitedly, and she smiled, taking in every single word.

“…You wanna borrow it?”

“What? No, Kenny, it’s your favorite and I’m such a slow reader and I’ve got a lot of schoolwork and no free time… I can’t take it away from you.”

He smiled, “Take it. I’ve read it way too many times. Plus, I really want someone to talk to about it with.”

She couldn’t resist after that. “Okay. I’ll try to finish it as soon as I can.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He replied. “I hope you’ll like it.”

“From what you described, I probably will.”

“That would be so cool… I mean, I really don’t have anyone to talk about it with. My English teacher hates me and I don’t trust these librarians.”

She laughed. “What about Clark? He’s your best friend, right?”

“Yeah, but he’s not really into that kind of thing. He’s not really into anything like school.”

“Oh.” She replied.

“Where do you live?”

“I – um, a few blocks from here.”

“Okay.” He said, pulling a box of cigarettes from his pocket, “You want one?”

“No thanks.”

He took one for himself and pocketed the box. “You’re smart.” He replied, lighting it between his lips. “I wish I could stop.”

“Why don’t you?”

He sighed, exhaling a gray cloud of smoke. “I’m trying. It’s just, with everything going on, it’s hard. It calms me down, but if I go too long without one, I get jittery and stressed. It really pisses me off sometimes.”

“How so?” She asked.

“I’m a slave to a tube of nicotine.”

“It could be worse.” She reminded.

Taking another drag, he agreed.

“When did you start?”

He scratched his head, “The seventh grade. It’s not a habit I’m too proud of.”

“That’s young.” She said.

“Yeah. I was stupid… I still am stupid, but that’s not the point.”

“You’re not stupid at all, Kenny.”

“Good thing one of us thinks so.” He replied. “You and Clark would probably get along.”

She sighed, “I really don’t think he likes me very much.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know… it’s just a feeling I get. Like whenever we’re talking or anything, he always interrupts, gives me a look and makes you leave.”

“He’s just,” Kenny sighed, “he’s really protective.”

“No kidding.”

“I don’t care whether or not he likes you.”

She looked up from the ground, “You don’t?”

“Not at all. I mean, yeah, he’s my best friend, but I’m allowed to like other people, you know?”

“…I … I guess.” She replied and stopped walking.

He glanced at her, confused.

“This is my house.” She said, gesturing to the one behind her.

“Oh. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Thanks again for the book, Kenny.”

“It’s no problem.” He replied.

She nodded and turned as she began to walk toward her door.

“Hey, Leah?”

She stopped and turned her head, “Yeah?”

“Do you… er, I mean, would you want to do something Friday night?”

She was completely shocked, and it registered on her face. “Y-yeah, sure… with who?”

“With me?”

“Oh.” She said, smacking herself inwardly for being such an idiot. “Yeah, um, what do you want to do?”

“We… um, we could maybe see a movie, or something – unless you don’t want to.”

“No, that sounds great.”

He sighed with a smile, “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She nodded, waited a moment, and then entered her house. Kenny watched her do so and relaxed a little. He wanted to slap himself for being so bad at this kind of thing, but whatever, it didn’t matter, because she had said yes. He was so happy that not even the thought of going home could bring him down.

He blinked back into reality, a sort of puzzled expression on his face. ‘What was that for?’

“Oh, Kenny. Poor, confused, deluded, Kenny. You don’t remember what happened after that, do you? It only changed your life.”

‘Stop asking questions that you know the answers to.’ He grumbled mentally. ‘What does it matter, anyway? Why are you still here?!’

“Well, it hardly seems fair to leave you with such a cliffhanger, don’t you think?”

‘Jesus Christ… not really.’

“You can’t lie to me, Kenny. You’re forgetting, you created me.”

‘Created you??! You’re an inherent part of my consciousness, stemming from the left side of the brain, you dolt! Created you?! I hardly think so!’

“Yes, while this is all true, you seem to be forgetting that you’ve assigned me a specific voice. A personality, an attitude… human characteristics. You might as well go ahead and name me!”

‘No. Never.’

“Ah. So you do have some sense left in that eroded brain of yours!”

‘Shut the fuck up. I won’t name you, so forget it.’

It would have shrugged, if it had a physical form.

‘I’m sick of you. This conversation is over.’

“Okay. But before I leave, I think there’s something you still want to know…”

‘Fuck’ was all Kenny thought before his consciousness was stolen.

It had been one of the best nights of his life. While that was certainly about to change in a matter of moments, it was for the time being, absolutely perfect. He’d managed not to make an idiot of himself in front of Leah; he’d said all the right things, done everything right… and she was so nice. She treated him like a person rather than the ridicule and customary scorn he’d grown used to. For once in his life, a pretty girl actually liked being with him.

His parents were gone, where to he had no idea, but he couldn’t have cared less. He ran to his room, locked the door, flopped on the bed and sighed contentedly. Maybe this would become a regular thing. Maybe she’d even consider being his girlfriend. He’d been too nervous to kiss her, but it seemed like a future possibility. He closed his eyes with a smile and slept fitfully until hours later when he awoke to an urgent tapping at his window.

He stirred from sleep with a yawn and rubbed his eyes, focusing on the sound and its origin. It was coming from his window. He shrugged and opened it, shocked and frightened at the sight outside it.

“Holy shit, dude, what the fuck happened?!”

“You have to help me…” His friend pleaded.

Kenny tried to process the scenario. It was two in the morning and Clark was standing outside his window, pale and tearstained and still hysterical. At a loss for words, he could only reiterate his previous statement, “What happened?”

“It’s Tess. She – I… she’s dead, Kenny.”

His head spun.

“I think… I think I killed her.”