Darker Shades of Fear

(Installment 21)

 

just cause it's all in your head
doesn't mean it has to be in mine
don't believe what you said

still can't get it out of my mind
I guess you're the only one
that nobody changes
guess you're the only one
left standing when everything else goes down

 

***

 

She opened the door, surprised to see the man standing in the threshold.  As if his presence alone hadn’t been enough to shock her, his current state would have compensated for the lack.

“Jesus, are you okay?”

“No.  No, actually I’m not okay.  More so than usual, but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever really been okay, so I can’t really be sure can I?” He rambled.

She smiled, “That sounds like the Kenny I used to know.”

He looked at her quizzically.

“Never mind, I’m sorry… you don’t remember that.”

“Of course.” He laughed in what really wasn’t a laugh… a sort of subdued mania. “Why would I remember anything simple like that?  Instead I have to remember things like my lunatic parents and trying to kill myself!”

“Kenny… Kenny, calm down.” She pleaded.  “Relax.”

He sighed, his arms dropping uselessly to his sides.

“I think you should come inside.”  She coaxed.

He conceded and stepped in, collapsing on her couch as instructed.  She took a seat in a chair angled to face him.

“Why did you come here?”

He looked at her with the eyes of a child who’d just been accused of breaking a vase.  “You said I could.”

“I know that,” She replied, “I mean what’s your reason?”

“I’m losing my mind.”

She laughed, “We’re all losing our minds, Ken.”

“No, I mean it.  I’m really, sincerely going crazy.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I just kissed another man.  At least, I think I did….”

She couldn’t help but laugh.  His glance indicated that he didn’t share her amusement, so she quickly regained control of herself.  “You think you did?”

He nodded, “I mean I was high, but I don’t think I was that high, you know?”

“What were you on?”

“Just some weak marijuana.  I only had three hits.” He sighed, grabbing his hair in his hands, “Why did I do that?!  I’m so fucking stupid sometimes, I swear to God… you know, sometimes I think I do these things to myself.  I’m starting to think that maybe there really is something wrong with me…” Better late than never, a voice within him replied.

“Then there’s no reason to think you’re crazy.” She said, contrary to his inner remark.

At least one of us thinks so.  He looked so tired and so confused.

“So what, you hooked up with some guy.  Big deal, you were high.  It’s not like you’re the first person who’s done it.”

“It was… just weird.” He said, struggling to find the right words, “It didn’t bother me.”

Her glance seemed to say, “And…?”

“And that’s it.”

“Okay, Ken, this might shock you, but it doesn’t mean anything.  It doesn’t make you gay, and it definitely doesn’t mean that you’ve lost your mind.”

He looked skeptical.

She sighed, slightly exasperated.  “First of all, you were high.  Secondly, girls and boys have mouths, Kenny.  It’s the same organ on both sexes, so kissing one is exactly like kissing the other… though I did know a girl in college who kissed better than any guy to date.”

That got his attention.  “You mean you…”

She laughed, “Oh please, it’s not like you haven’t.”

He smiled, “Touché.  She kissed better than me?”

“I don’t know…” Leah replied as she sat beside him, “I might need something to refresh my memory…”

Kenny grinned and obliged.

“Hmm… it’s a tough call.  I think she might have to settle for second best.”

Kenny’s grin widened.  “You know, if you ever feel like trying the bisexual thing, I’d be happy to help you out…”

She hit him with one of the throw pillows behind her playfully, “I’ll remember that.  I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you.”

“Hey, I’m just throwing the idea out there…” he replied, much to both their amusements.

“You’re in no condition for threesomes.” She said, “You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

“I don’t sleep.” He replied.

“Oh.  That explains it.  Can I ask why?” She asked, surprised and bewildered at his response.

“I just don’t.” He said, “I don’t get tired.”

“Have you ever thought that maybe not sleeping is what’s driving you crazy?”

“Sleeping is what makes me crazy.” He replied.

Her face indicated that she his logic baffled her.

“…I remember things when I sleep, sometimes.” He said in a subdued tone.  “They might just be dreams… but either way, I don’t like them.”

An awkward silence passed between them.

“Maybe you need to remember.”

He offered a fake sort of laughter.  “And why the hell would I want to do that?”

“Why not?” She asked.

“What do you mean why not?”

“Maybe you need to confront it and move on.”

“When did you become a fucking therapist?” He mumbled angrily.

“When did you become an apathetic shit who gives up?”

He was surprised at her sudden change in manner.  “Where the hell did that come from?”

She stood up, and began pacing, running her hands through her hair.  “I can understand why wouldn’t want to remember most of your life, Kenny.  I don’t know much of the story, but the parts I do aren’t exactly a fairy tale.  But it’s part of who you are.  If you’d stop running from your past you might be able to have a future.”

“What if I don’t want a future?!” He retorted, himself standing up.  “What if I’m happy just the way I am?  What if ignorance is really bliss?!”

“If you’re happy being a train wreck waiting to explode, then go for it, Kenny.  I really don’t know what to tell you.”

“Well you should have something to say!  After all, I didn’t remember anything until you decided to come back into my life, uninvited!”

“Oh, so now it’s my fault?!  Jesus Christ, Kenny, what happened to you?”

“I don’t fucking remember!  Is that so hard for you to understand?!  I don’t remember and I don’t want to!”

“Because ignoring everything has gotten you so far in life.”

“Fuck you!  You don’t know anything about my life!”

“Neither do you!” She spat.  She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself.  “You know, sometimes, I swear I recognize you.  You’ll give me a look or say something and it’ll convince me that you’re not completely gone… but now, I don’t know what to think.”

“So don’t.”

She dropped her arms at her sides, “That’s exactly it.  Don’t do anything.  Don’t face the problem.  Let’s pretend it never happened and move on.  You haven’t moved on, Kenny.  You were stronger as a kid than you are now, and I really feel sorry for you.”

“I don’t want your fucking sympathy!”

“It doesn’t look like you’re getting it anywhere else, so you might as well take it from me.” She replied.

He turned his back and headed for her door.  After a moment she sighed in frustration and followed him.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“I’m leaving.  It should be obvious… I mean, it’s not like I haven’t done it before.” He said with a heavy emphasis on the latter as he opened the door to her apartment.

“You said that you wanted to know why you left when you were seventeen.”

He bit his lip, not particularly wanting to hear what she was going to tell him.

“Well, here’s the reason,” she said, continuing despite his unspoken wishes, “you stood up to your father.  He hit you so hard you flew across the room, and you finally hit him back.” She laughed, “You knocked the bastard right off his fucking feet.  Then you said you were leaving.  You and Clark stopped by my house to say goodbye.  That was moving on, Kenny.  I was proud of you for that.  This is running away.”

He stopped in his tracks, standing silent for a moment.

“Why do this to yourself, Kenny?”

“Everyone needs a hobby.” He replied, inflectionless.

“Falling apart shouldn’t be one of them.”

“I like to think of it as an art form.”

“Well then, I’ve got to hand it to you, you’re a fucking Picasso.”

He managed a smile, “It’s always nice to know your work’s appreciated.” He said, lighting a cigarette.

“I appreciate you even when you’re not a mess.”

“You barely know me, Leah.”

“Do you even know yourself?”

Kenny was silent, unwilling to admit she had a point.

“Please.” She said, “Stay.”

He knew he shouldn’t.  He would only make her regret the invitation.  He would fuck things up, just like he always did.  He’d screw up her life, put her through hell and back.  And if she ever found out what he really was and the things he’d done… he couldn’t bear the thought.  But he was tired and lonely and needy and she could be the answer to all these things.

“You won’t make me regret it.”

He sighed, almost painfully.  He would make her regret it, over and over again, but the look on her face was too desperate, too pleading for him to refuse.

“Just tonight.” He said warily.

She relaxed and sighed in relief as she welcomed him back into her apartment.  “I’ll get you something to eat.”

He couldn’t refuse the offer, as he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten, and followed her into the kitchen.  He took a seat at the small table and drank the water she’d already put out for him.  She watched him as he observed it intently and smiled.

“Half empty or half full?” She asked.

He looked up from the glass and met her eyes, “Nothing left.”

She saw that he meant both literally and metaphorically and her expression softened.  “I guess we’d better get you a refill.”

He smiled and kept silent, for lack of a response.

 

“Do you think there’s a point to it?” He asked, staring at her ceiling.

“To what?” She asked sleepily.

“Life.  Do you really think there’s a reason behind it?”

“Do you?”

He sighed, “I don’t know.”

“Probably.” She replied, “Unless this is all just one big inconvenience.”

“I mean, what’s the purpose?  We live to die.  That’s it.  We’re born, we exist for an insignificant time, and then it’s over.  It’s so…” he struggled to find the right word and settled with, “stupid.  You ever wonder if this is really real?”

She laughed, “This isn’t the Matrix, Ken.”

“I’m serious!  When you think about it, life makes no sense.”

“Or you’re just making it more complicated than it needs to be.” She replied.

“That doesn’t help.” He replied crossly.

She sighed, noting his seriousness.  “Would you really want it to?”

“What?”

“Make sense.” She said, “If we all knew why we were here, then life would be pointless.”

“How do you figure?” He asked curiously.

“For starters, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” She reminded jokingly.  “Nobody would know what to do.  There would be no point to life if we knew why we lived it.  That takes all the fun out of living.”

He reflected on her answer.  “Yeah, but what do you think the reason for life is?”

She sighed, running a hand through her hair, “Probably, just to live.”

He looked at her, asking for further elaboration.

“It sounded good, didn’t it?” She replied.

He rolled his eyes.

“Well what did you want, a detailed explanation?”

“A simple explanation would have been nice.”

She laughed, “Can I just say that this is the weirdest post-sex conversation I’ve ever had?”

“You just did.”

She giggled, “What does it matter, though?  We’re here, or at least we think we are,” she said, emphasizing the word think for their amusement, “so we might as well enjoy it while we can.  Is that good enough for you?”

“It’ll do.” He replied.

“So, Descartes, besides the meaning of life, what else do you want to talk about?”

“Mmm… I’m kind of tired of talking.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.  I was thinking of a better use for my mouth.”

He laughed, “And what would that be?”

He leaned in and kissed her, “Use your imagination.”

 

Leah lay asleep beside him as he slowly smoked a cigarette.  Nothing in particular was keeping him awake, but he still hadn’t taken to the idea of sleeping.  He wouldn’t tell Leah that, though.  She was trying so hard to make him happy, and he would hate to see her fall short of her own expectations.  He guessed that his presence must have made her happy, even if he was a disheveled nutcase.  He glanced at her, and a pang of regret struck his heart.  He was going to break her.  He didn’t want to and he would never have it happen purposely, but he knew that he would.  She loved him, but he couldn’t love her.  Then again, maybe he could and the question was whether or not he would.  Christ, he hated those two words.  He knew that if he let himself love her it would only hurt the both of them.  It wasn’t like he deserved her, either.  So, no, he wouldn’t love her.  But there was no harm in her thinking that he did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

© Danielle Lovallo, 2004

Lyrics © Lifehouse, “Only One”