Dear Expert,
Referred Poem: This poem is mentioned in this question which is about "Memories of Tomorrow", a completely different poem on a completely different subject(see below).
Presence of Past
I.
Along with others', my dashed line
doth me mind of all what is mine.
It, before my eyes, thy wall upraise,
nought of mine I see, folded by thine.
II.
Thou, in my dreams art so close to me,
but not wherein loves of Love's denote.
From the cold I will blow heat to thee,
to call thee mine and mine of ours both.
III.
To timelessly taste the fruits,
one has to have seeded a tree.
For my future if a dream suits,
I shall be dreaming more of thee.
IV.
Not from thy white..., I expose pale,
methinks, for I be not in my own tale.
Might my name with thine be known,
as mine soul upholds its own renown.
V.
Spring's tears nightly dew mine at last;
Withered greens, over which O passed,
Shall be rebound to life's veins anew,
Thy memories, shall present my past.
The Nomad Soul
December 2000
I showed one of my last poems [ presence of past ] to my school English Teacher. He thoughtlessly could say what I had there was merely more than a piece of paper. Accused my thoughts of having been duplicated from others'. I could not say anything to his face at that time. With a nodding of approval, I to his thought in my depths did just smile. To show him what I of poetry do hold I wrote this piece. I will attach it to a poetry book which I bought for him as a New Year present.
Memories of Tomorrow
Of the passing time, ere Now, thou shalt hold;
For Fear with thine cowardice hath formed bold.
Or else thine dreams will confront thee words;
And thine eternal death thou will die in cold.
Others' thou called mine with brevity of years.
Upon no star I wished, thou would have no fears,
Mine soul might recover but with present sears.
One's one tear, anon though not, another's bears.
Thy body in its presence may its life do live,
But thine soul will tend to thee a present give,
A "Dreams of Yesterday and Memories of Morrow",
From the hands of fate in haste written to few.
Dissever thy freshest heart from that of the wilted,
And behold thy statement in thine depths imprinted.
The Nomad Soul
December 2000
ere Now: as quickly as possible
I need your opinion about this one(Memories of Tomorrow) and have included "Presence of Past" to let you see whether it would make a paper just merely more than a paper!
A reply no matter how long, would not appreciated without a listing of the most liked lines(or verses) and the reason(s) for favouring those particular lines(or verses).
I would really appreciate a short explanation of rhymes in lines (like abab, there is this literary art and there is that). I respect all your studies !
Yours Sincerely,
Cetin Sert
ID: age 16 | sex Male | location Turkey
ID: studies Foreign Languages(and English as one)
Thank you for the private opportunity to read your work, You are but 16? Difficult to believe. Initially, you seemed to be writing in medieval cadence for effect. English is not your native language? Not that it makes any difference, what is your native language?
Indeed, your work does sound superior to your age but I've read nothing like it, except, perhaps Smokey Joe when he is in his cups, or pretending to be so.
Your rhyme scheme is the first poem is
AABA, CDCE, FCFC, GGH{H}*, IIJI
The last word in each line ends with a word that has a sound. This sound is assigned a letter. In the first stanza, the ending words are line, mine, upraise, thine. Thus the rhyme scheme is AABA.
Much could be written both on rhyme and rhythmn for your edification but if you have access to a quality book store, (or Amazon.com) please order "The Complete Rhyming Dictionary" Revised, Edited by Clement Wood; Revised by Ronald Bogus, published by Doubleday, April, 1991, 627 pp.
This book contaqins a wealth of information on your subjects of enquiry.
_________________
*: reknown and known have different sounds but the same spelling. Reknown's last syllable sounds like "oun as in noun" and known sounds like own with a long O. Very close together but different sounds.
In the interests of retiring at a decent hour with the clock approaching midnight but still having much to say on the first poem, which makes of a piece of paper a treasure and a privlige to own since it has your comments, the second poem is your preferred focal point.
In "thine cowardice" do you not mean "thy cowardice"? Thine flows well but thy is more correct.
In the first stanza I Think I know what you are saying but, at the same time, is sounds closely akin to a threat.
"for fear with thy cowardice hath formed bold"
For fear...does this refer back to you? Or him?
"with thy cowardice" and this refers back to the teacher? If so, it is the incorrect word. He was not in fear that you wrote the poem. He did not believe that you did. Therefore his act was not cowardly. Rather it was temerity for suggesting that you palagerized.
"...hath formed bold." Really, Cetin, this does not make sense. I think, if I am correct in the analysis of this line, it would be better written...
"For by thy temerity, you hath made me bold."
This rewrite, if correct, would eliminate the semi-colon after hold in the first line.
Thy first line is a little gem of insult for thy intended target,
Last line, third stanza: From mine hand to thine, in haste, written to few
Fate did not write these lines nor does fate deserve the credit. You wrote them.
Cetin, because your writing does not separate images but collects them in it its flow of feelings in words, I could not isolate a single favored line. Each is beautiful and I will enjoy studying both of them in the forthcoming days. I wouldst encourgage you to share them with the board with the same information you gave me.
I enjoyed reading your profile and would like to discourage you from developing a variant of the Love Bug. I do have another project I would like to suggest. In writing fiction, many beginners are overly concerned with plots. Actually, it is the character who drives the plot and through whom because of his goals and dreams, temperment and enviroment, hobbies and disabilities, the plot begins and ends. Thus if a personality inventory could be devised that would take into consideration the life of the character, his position upon many thoughts and ideas, his reaction to crisis situations, his attitudes toward others, etc, then what would emerge would be plot, sequence of events, the interactions of friends and foes. Sounds too complex doesn't it? Yet this is what every capable writer goes through in the development of a character. The form is dosens of pages long and by the time the writer is finished he has 25+ ages on each and every character in the book. I do go on.
Thank you for writing me Cetin. I sincerely hope you will write again, with or without a poem, telling me about your life and where you are going in the future. Please see my profile and my 35 other boards. If there is any way that I can be of any assistance, please write. Do you have any pictures or dcomments on Ephesus? Are you Turkish? What do your parents do? Where are you going to college? What are you going to study? Do you plan to work in Turkey or elsewhere? Send me a photo of yourself with your family to [email protected]. My photo is at www.generalproperties.com. Click on "more services" at the bottom of the page and this will take you to the next page. Go the bottom of that and click on Jack Matthews.
What religion do you practise? What is going on over there politically?
Thanks again, Cetin. Jack
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Dear Jack,
It is nice of you to write such a long reply regarding almost each important point of the two poems. Just for that, I owe you thanks and my own long reply in return.
Let me point a few things out of your interpretation of the second one.
Stanza I, Line II
For Fear with thine cowardice hath formed bold
Capitalization of the word fear is to indicate a personification here. Fear here represents the most discouraging and back-holding and miserable of all feelings(or one(person) that possesses all these qualities) and the line is a sentece directed to my teacher which goes like; "you have been so coward that even Fear who has seen your cowardice started to feel more confident and courageous".
Stanza III, Line IV
From the hands of fate in haste written to few
Here in a connotation, dial(clock(hereby time itself)) is likened to fate. To fate, for a its passing cannot be stopped and it is destined to ever-flow. ".. in haste .." is meant to express anger, wrath. Fate, when thought of as a ruler, would be the most powerful, therefore used to send out orders with anger and impatience. ".. in haste .." is also meant to represent the ruler side of the fate.
I will answer all your questions as another reply to your opinion about this short explanations.
Yours Sincerely,
Cetin Sert
Your clarifications made me think of Emily Dickinson, one of the greatest English poets who ever lived. In her middle and later years she put so much meaning into each word and her poetry used so few, that only scholars could truly appreciate them. But her staying power and popularity increase yearly.
Now that you clarify what you mean, I understand. Is my lack of understanding a singular experience of one person or will a similar shortcoming be noticed in others? If you posted on the Poetry board where you will find writers and educators more educated and published than me, their answers or comments might be revealing. Many of them have posted poetry in the past upon which I made no comment because I did not understand what they were saying. If you went back and read them, maybe you would comprehend them. The point it, Cetin, if you have to clarify, explain, don't just take my word for it. Post! We write in completely different styles. Even though I do not always achieve my intent, I believe that poetry should be written in clear simple sentences that communicate profound thoughts. We are as diffeent as apples and oranges.
Comment? Why won't you post?