Two Feathers
I looked anxiously at my watch as I threw my lunch into my bag. I felt bad as I kissed her goodbye with no time to give her the special attention I wanted. At the door we kissed a couple more times and I shouted an "I love you," as I hurried to catch the bus.
I carried in my hand a cup filled with diet coke. Sometimes you need the caffeine boost to get you going and when your body is as moody about temperature as mine has been lately a nice big glass of cold diet coke does the trick real nice. I think its the hormones or lack of hormones. I'm not quite sure at this point.
I've been without them for about 3 months now. Sometimes I feel the lack of testosterone when I try to to simple things like just get out of bed. Other times I feel like maybe my body is making its own excess of testosterone. When I talk my voice sounds deaper at times and then I get hopeful that things won't revert back to the way they were pre-hormones.
I carry the glass in one hand while in the other I have two pieces of bread with butter wrapped in a paper towel. I walk fast and feel the cold air sting my lungs. I'm reminded of the time when I was younger and I had my first asthma attack.
It was on a Sunday after church. Thats how he spent his court-awarded visitation. He took us to church and handed us over to the overly-drenched in perfume sunday school teachers who wore so much makeup it looked like you could pull off a thin sticker-mask from one edge to the other.
I remember that Sunday bc it was a day they told me my mom was going to hell. The pastor liked to anounce things like the number of people who went to Disney World or how it was National Coming Out Day. He liked to tell us these things and then tell us how my parents were going to hell. Then on the way back to his house, dad would tell us more about how the woman who had raised us and sacrificed her own happiness for us, was an evil woman and condemned her to the fiery pits of hell.
I was angry. I was angry that someone would or even could bad-mouth my mother like this. I was angry that in away I knew I was like her so that meant that both of us were comparable to lepers in their eyes and they had no mercy when it came to what filth and terror they would fill a child with on these matters.
I took my soccerball outside. It was a cold day and I always like to play with all my equipement then. There was something about it that made me feel protected and justified in my anger. This was all before I was introduced into the world of anti-depressants so instead my soccer ball took all the heat whether I was sad or angry.
I took my things outside and pulled on the long blue socks. I was a lot smaller then so the socks came up to about mid-thigh. I pulled them on and strapped on my shin guards that were blue and white to match my socks then. Last came the black cleats with blue and white on them. I laced them up and stood up feeling the anger and frustration pounding in my head I kicked that soccer ball as hard as I could against the back wall of the garage.
After about 20 minutes I realized something strange was happening. I couldn't breathe. I was sweating and my head was spinning and I was still so angry I didn't want to go inside. I couldn't decide which was worse them knowing that I was having an asthma attack or them knowing that I was having the asthma attack because I was angry at them.
As I walked toward the bus stop I felt the same tension in my chest. I stopped and took a deep breath. I looked at my watch. I had some time to make it in time for the bus. I continued walking. I straightened up and pulled my jacket tighter around me and began to sing.
Tunkasila heyayake
Tunkasila heyayake
The words came in little gusts of breath.
Le wicasa ikceya le miye yelo
(breathe)
heyeyeyeye
(breathe)
Wakanya wacincozelo heyeyeye
(breathe)
Le wicasa ikceya le miye yelo
(breathe)
heyeyeyeyo!
After that first sing-through I began to breathe easier and sang through it 3 more times before I reached the bus stop. I stood straighter and breathed better with each one until I sang at the top of my lungs.
Tunkasila heyayake
Tunkasila heyayake
Le wicasa ikceya le miye yelo heyeyeye
Wakanya wacincozelo heyeyeyeye
Le wicasa ikceya le miye yelo heyeyeyeyo!
I got to the bus stop and unwrapped my bread and took the lid off my cup of diet coke. I pinched off a piece of bread and held it up toward the sky and offered it to Tunkasila, the Grandfather Spirit. Then I poured some of the coke out for Tunkasila.
I pinched off another piece of bread and offered it to Maka Ina, Mother Earth, our grandmother. I offered this and some of the coke to Unci.
I turned to facing West, the place of darkness and looking within, and pinched off another bit of bread. I offered this and and some of the coke to Wakinyan, the Thunderbeings.
I turned facing North, the place of wisdom, and pinched off another bit of bread. I offered this and some coke to the Tatanka Oyate, the Buffalo Nation, our closest relatives.
I turned facing East, the place of new beginnings, and took some more bread. I offered this and some coke to the Cetan Oyate, the Hawk Nation. I turned facing South, the place of where the Old Ones go, and took some more bread. I offered this and some coke to Mato Oyate, the Bear Nation.
I took another piece of bread and offered it to Tunkasila Wakontah, then poured some coke as an offering as well.
Then I noticed an ant hill not far from where I stood.
Howah Mitakuyepi!
Hihanni Waste!
Hello my relatives!
Good Morning.
I dropped a piece of bread and poured some coke for the ants. I thanked them for reminding me of the need to work hard and do what I must to go on during difficult times.
It wasn't much longer until I found myself walking toward the door of the bus to get off at the downtown transfer station. I took a picture out of my bag and thanked the old man that drove the bus for all the advice and kindness he shared over the past weeks.
I gave him a picture of H'unwi, the Owl. "The owl lives in the South where the Old Ones go. His spirit will look out for you. "
He looked at the picture and smiled. I stepped off the bus and walked across two bays toward the bay where my next bus would meet me. On the ground I saw a tiny white and black feather. I smiled and picked it up. A feather is the birds' way of reminding you that you are not alone, that the spirit of the bird is with you.
I walked across to Bay 14. I stood by the benches for a few moments. When I looked down there was another tiny feather at my feet. I bent down and picked up that one too. I ran my fingers over both feathers and looked around me at the people around me. I put the feathers in my pocket and stepped onto the bus to finish my journey.
Two Hawks
