Dysfunctional Relationships
Please don�t complain that you�re relationship is dysfunctional. Every relationship is dysfunctional bub. It�s only weird if you have (or more likely, claim to have) a totally harmonious relationship with your partner. We don�t have matching parts folks (unless you happen to be gay�not that there�s anything wrong with that). How in the world are we supposed to perfectly compatible?
So don�t bitch about your dysfunctional relationship, simply try to determine how dysfunctional it is. There are degrees. If you�re particular relationship deteriorates from dysfunctional to paralysis � or worse, to dangerous � it may be time to say adios. The trick is to know when that happens.
Now if you�re inclined to take relationship advice from a forty-something divorcee who has screwed up every relationship that he�s ever been in, I�m here to accommodate you. Let�s look (ever so briefly) at the things that go into a relationship.
Interests: Much over-rated. You should have a few things in common of course, but no man and woman combination ever made has truly had �common-interests.� A few are critical of course, like family plans, monogamy and the oft-overlooked question of �Where do I want to be in 20 years?�
Beyond that, unless the differences bore the snot out of you and you�re willing to accommodate a bit, who gives a damn? It helps � a lot � if you�re the kind of gal or fellow who has a bit of intellectual curiosity about everything. She can love the theater. He can love the Packers (echh). But even if you�re not curious, feigning interest will surely be appreciated.
When is this a deal-killer? When one person is so obsessed by their uncommon interest that it overwhelms every other part of the relationship, or if one person is revolted by their partner�s passion. The latter is why members of the Jewish Defense League rarely marry neo-Nazis.
Priorities: Ultra important. Even if every other part is in sync, a relationship ain�t gonna work if one half dreams of a quiet home in the suburbs, while the other wants to be a big-time jet-setter. Eventually, somebody is going to be dissatisfied. Dreams are what make life worth living and I will submit that, unless you share those dreams, one person will eventually discover an emptiness that nothing will fill.
Religion: The actual religion one follows doesn�t really matter (satanic rites excepted). What matters is how deeply one holds their particular idea of their religion in their heart.
Fanatics of whatever faith, ought to be paired with other fanatics of the same ilk. OK, fanatics never actually use that word. So let�s put it this way, if you believe that anyone who doesn�t believe exactly as you do will go to hell, please don�t get involved with that person. Why would you want to be with one of the damned anyway?
On the other hand, if there�s room in your version of faith for a bit of doubt there�s nothing wrong with crossing boundaries. Indeed, you might even learn something cool from your differently-faithed partner. But whatever, we should strive to match faith in terms of degree, not detail � except at the fringes.
Time: Another biggie, and often a deal killer. If we are to deal in generalities (which is always more fun) most women want more time with their guy than a guy does with their gal. Some women are insulted by this. They shouldn�t be. It�s not a dis, it�s just the way many of us are made.
The trick here is to define how much time each partner needs with the other to be happy. There are degrees. If he likes to go out with the boys six nights a week and she wants to cuddle on the couch four hours a night, we�re probably in a losing situation.
It�s rare to find a relationship where the time requirements match perfectly. The trick then is to determine each other�s minimums and to decide if each partner can � and wants to � live with that. What is two little (or too much) in other words. If you�re happy with the extremes, chances are you�ll find a mutually-pleasing middle-ground.
Sex: Ah, sex. Let� say it again: �sex.� Who doesn�t like sex? Actually, there are some people who don�t � or so I�m told. God knows where these people come from.
A healthy enjoyment for wrestling nude with each other would seem to be a prerequisite for any relationship, preferably with each other. Will that initial thrill fade? Duh. If you�re over the age of consent, you should have figured that out. And if you didn�t figure that out, you�ve got problems pal. In time, sex changes, from exploration to understanding, from a fantastic rush to, well, a somewhat less fantastic rush with a topping of warmth that only time can provide.
Which is not to say that partners shouldn�t try to keep sex fresh and exciting. Of course they should, but there�s only so much two people can do without involving the authorities. If I were to opine (which is pretty much the point here), I would say that � whatever the hell you�re into � a healthy sexual relationship between two people is defined by four things: 1) always being able to talk, whatever, 2) understanding the equal importance of the words �giving� and �getting,� 3) maintaining the ability to lose oneself in the moment, and 4) always � always � being able to laugh in bed.
Nuff said.
Parenting: Damn kids. They screw up the best of relationships. Let�s assume, for the moment, that you and your spouse share roughly the same values and hopes. If you don�t, you shouldn�t have had kids in the first place asshole. If you do, the question is then rather simple: how tightly to hold onto the reigns?
Some parents want to make every decision for their kids until they�re 30. Others could care less. In between, the majority of us have our own particular idea about how much freedom is too much � how many mistakes we let them make, and learn from, on their own and how many how many critical errors they might make if we don�t watch closely enough.
Part of that depends on the kid of course. One child might be cautious, policing himself or herself better than we ourselves could. Another will try to get away with everything they possibly can. Sometimes we recognize what kind of child we have. Often, we can�t � the differences and barriers are too great to overcome.
Which brings us back to the original question: how much rope to give them? The answer is child-specific, so there is no correct response. But parents should have at least have had the philosophical discussion before conception. Nothing is worse for a marriage � and for a child � then to have one parent who wants to keep the reigns pulled tight and another who would let them run.
Money: First things first; before you can argue about money, you have to have some. Otherwise, you�re arguing about poverty, which is really a different animal.
I won�t try to pretend to be an expert on poverty. Although I am not wealthy, and grew up decidedly working-class, there has always been food on the table and gas for the furnace. I have known some couples who not only got by on next to nothing they seemed very happy doing so, as though the trouble shared pushed them closer together. At the same time, I�ve witnessed many families living in poverty that are an absolute disaster. It�s certainly easy to spout truisms like �make the best of it� and �work together,� but this situation deserves more understanding than that, and certainly more expertise than a yahoo writer can provide.
But let�s say you have money and you argue about it. Perhaps you argue about who spends it. Perhaps you fight because one or the other of you doesn�t earn enough of it. If you fall into this category, either you or your spouse � or both of you � is an idiot.
Seriously. You have money for crying out loud. Half the world can barely scrape together a bowl of rice and you�re arguing about this bullshit? The suggestion �count your blessings� seems apropos, but in an age where people buy homes they can�t actually afford and then let them go unfurnished because they�re too busy paying off a massive mortgage, such advice will fall on a lot of deaf ears.
There are just two rules for couples and cash: 1) You share it, 50/50. It doesn�t matter who earns what. If you can�t trust the person you�re living with to spend it responsibly, you�ve got bigger problems than just the checkbook. 2) You�re spending priorities are (in order) your kids, your future and yourselves. Please note that your community, � i.e., your community, your church, etc. � is part of your future too.
We failed to mention spending priority number one: taxes, but you really don�t have a lot of choice there, now do you?
Adventure: Love is the ultimate adventure, is it not? Discovering a new person, being discovered, creating memories, sharing new experiences neither of you could have imagined. All of it. It�s extremely cool. Nothing compares to starting a life together.
At some point, the adventure dies and we settle into something we call security. It is a natural outgrowth of age and, if we have one, family life. One should not dismiss security, but nor should one completely embrace it.
A healthy dysfunctional relationship will always include one partner or another driving their opposite number nuts on occasion. Adventures shouldn�t stop because you reach a certain age, or have kids, or have accumulated a certain amount of ingrained fear. Life is an adventure. Without it, you�re simply waiting to die.
Drug and/or Booze: Speaking as a guy who enjoys a beer and who smoked his share of pot in the �70s and �80s, I would be the last to cast a stone at those who indulge. Sometimes you need to get away and that�s OK, so long as the trip doesn�t become the sole and overwhelming purpose in your life. All things in moderation and all that, including immoderation. If indulging in these or any other vices, affects your abilities to work, or be a good parent, or otherwise function in the ways you need to function, you�ve got a problem.
Note that we�re not talking about hard drugs here. Hard drugs are just stupid. Even if you ignore the addictions, and even if you can afford the considerable cost, you have no friggin idea what you�re actually putting into your body. You�re counting on the mixing still and integrity of some jamoke with a scale and two old test tubes. Screw that. While I support everyone�s right to do whatever damage to their own bodies that they want in isolation, there is nothing good that can come out of hard drug use. If that�s your cup of tea, you should kindly stay away from any relationship and, likewise, anyone else should stay away from you.
But what if your love turns into (or turns out to be) an addictive personality? Do you give them a chance, or multiple chances, to get it right?
It depends on the damage they do. If they�re abusive or if they�re affecting your kids, they get one chance. If they are only hurting themselves or your relationship, perhaps they can have two. Beyond that, you�re kidding yourself. Anyone who wants a third strike doesn�t deserve it.
Abuse: If you�re abused by your partner, or worse � if your kids are � you are done. Got it? Done. It does not matter how damn lovable your partner is, or how many problems they have. You ain�t doing them any good by saying this behavior is acceptable, and you sure as hell ain�t doing yourself any good. Abuse equals the end. Period.
Politics: Who gives a damn about politics? Seriously. Much like religion, this is a matter of fanaticism. Political opposites, like theological opposites, can make for great bedfellows, if neither is a fanatic. If you are a fanatic, you best seek out another.
Intellect: If communication is a key to a good relationship, then intellectual compatibility probably is as well. Not that everyone�s IQ will match for the third decimal place, but it�s nice if you�re in the same general ballpark.
This factor probably counts for more the smarter you are. Intelligence is surely not the be-all or end-all in life, but a clever person will quickly grow bored of somebody who simply isn�t capable of understanding, or caring, what they talk about.
This is not to discount the Eliza Dolittle effect. But the reason that Eliza and Professor Higgins fell in love is that Eliza was a diamond in the rough. Had she been only rough, it would never have worked out.
Appearance: Of all of the things that go into a relationship, this is surely the one that gets the most play. We imagine all sorts of things when we spot another person whose form we find pleasing. We think that they�re funny, understanding, interesting, sexually desirable � based entirely on their face and ass. It�s an incredible stupid, but inevitable, part of being human.
While we can not dismiss physical attraction � and we should not � we should at least try to manage the extremes. I have a good friend, and he�s otherwise a great guy in many respects, who defines what he wants in a woman by this criteria alone: His perfect match, he says, has the svelte body of a 25-year-old, buys all her clothes at Nordstroms and wears high heel at all times. Beyond that, he doesn�t ask for much.
That sort of criteria is obviously, pitifully stupid. He�s defining a good lay for him, which may be part of a good relationship, but hardly defines it. Like everything else, appearance is a matter of proportion.
Everyone defines appearance in terms of themselves. OK, not everyone. There are plenty of guys who share my mid-forties age who really believe that they�ll hook up with a twenty-something vixen. This makes it embarrassing to be a middle-aged guy.
But, for most of us anyway, looks are relative to our own appearance. It�s pointless to judge whether that�s good or bad. It�s a fact. If you�re attractive � in conventional terms � you�ll seek someone who�s in the same ballpark. If you�re large (not that there�s anything wrong with that), chances are that you�ll end up with someone large, no matter how many other things you have going for you. Like it or not, that�s the way it works, so it�s best to deal with it.
Sense of Humor: Love, we are told, conquers all. That may be so, but a good sense of humor makes love a hell of a lot easier to find.
A healthy sense of humor allows partners to overcome life�s challenges in triumph, instead of tragedy. Finding someone that you can share a laugh with whenever possible will do more to enhance your relationship than every book on the subject ever written. Do you get each other�s jokes? Can you share a laugh with just a look across the room? Are you comfortable sharing an amusing observation that�s too irreverent and outrageous to give voice to in public? If the answers to theses questions are �yes� you�ve got more than a fighting chance of finding something meaningful and lasting.
And That�s It. No more advice here, if that was advice at all. I hope that you find or have found your ultimate, entirely dysfunctional love of your life. Nothing could bet better. Nothing makes life more worth living. Good luck.
And, let's be careful out there.