A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Plutonian Rights Violations
So Pluto is no longer a planet. This is an anomaly in our politically correct world. How will Pluto ever recover its self-esteem?
Everyone seems to trumpet �diversity� these days, from schools to towns to the regional rehab clinic. If you�re not diverse, you don�t matter, with the notable exception of the solar system. In that case, only the elite matter.
In the end scientists decided that Pluto was just too odd to join the planetary club. They were willing to accept Pluto�s small size�which is a matter of scientists being mostly males and thus not willing to admit that size matters�but they were offended by the fact that Pluto goes its own way.
The defining factor at the end of the day, the one that got Pluto kicked out of the solar system after 76 years of membership, is the fact that it has not (yet) cleared its own unique path around the sun. Pluto interacts, and intrudes upon, the orbit of its nearest neighbor�Neptune�for a portion of its journey.
That factor, and that alone, is why the propeller heads charged with making the official decision decided to blackball Pluto. They didn�t like its orbit.
The Divine Ms. Smith, who claims that her credentials as a scientist exceed that of your humble correspondent (since, at last count, she holds 15 advanced degrees and all), asserts that the experts have spoken, therefore the case is closed.
Screw the experts.
Pluto is every man and every woman, struggling to find its place in an uncertain world. Pluto chooses an unpopular course, but who are we to say that course is flawed? Maybe Pluto has it right.
Pluto is a misfit. It wanders through a strange path. It shows its space with a partner (the moon Charon) that has a significant influence over it. It�s a long, long way from the sun. All of these factors make Pluto different. Too different, in the eyes of the scientists who make the decisions. They can�t deal with Pluto.
They want to end the solar system one planet past Uranus, a declaration that may be physiologically symbolic, but it hardly pleasing to the soul. �Uranus and then the end?� Our kids will have a lot of fun with that one.
Scientists are afraid of Pluto. If they have to call Pluto a planet, they might have to identify other planets, God forbid. Once they opened that door, chaos would follow.
Scientists don�t get it. They know that the universe is an amazing place, but they don�t understand how to translate that wonder to the general public.
Defining the term �planet� doesn�t mean a damn thing, except in terms of what the general public perceives. If they were willing to keep the door open, people would keep their minds open. Now, everyone will look up at the night sky and yawn. Telescope sales will plummet. Don�t be surprised if the Flat Earth Society gets a huge boost in members as well.
Stupid scientists. This is precisely why I can no longer use my diploma to pick up chicks.
We need more planets, not less. Not big bully planets like Jupiter and not flashy planets like Saturn, showing off its latest rings. We need quirky little stupid planets that break the rules. Ladies and gentlemen, we need Pluto. It�s time to take back the solar system.
How? The most obvious, and pleasing, answer is to somehow convince radical Islamic terrorists that its God�s will that Pluto be a planet.
In no time, Hezbollah would stop firing rockets at Israel and turn its considerable energy toward building the space probe Allah I, which would nudge Pluto into a politically correct orbit.
Or maybe not. Given their track record, they�d probably figure out a way to blow up Jupiter instead. Imagine the environmental impact statement they�d have to file though...
Perhaps the time-honored use of civil-disobedience is the best option. It worked for King. It worked for Ghandi. Why shouldn�t it work for us?
We will declare �Pluto Liberation Day,� when we can ignore the Law of Gravity, tell Hezienger that we are indeed certain and liberate Schroedinger�s cat from its dual existence.
(Apologies for the obscure references, but the scientific community is in hysterics right now�really!)
If Pluto is not a planet, what hope do the rest of us have? What�s next: Twinkies are no longer food? Lite beer tastes good? Sex isn�t exercise? We have a sacred obligation people. We must stop this, right here�right now.
Say it with me: �Take back the solar system.� Let the revolution begin.