A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
The Teen, Seen
"The reason God made children so lovable,� a friend recently said, �is to keep parents from killing them when they�re teenagers.�
Word. Teens are an exasperating breed, given to fits of impetuous behavior that, in teen-age logic, makes perfect sense to them at the time.
Like the lad who decided it was time to get his ear pierced. Not an unreasonable request in this day and age, and his parents took comfort in the fact that he had not, at least, asked for a tattoo.
There are many options for piercing these days, ranging from the jewelry kiosk at the mall to medical professionals. It�s a quick and relatively painless procedure (although your humble correspondent will never be able to testify to that fact from personal experience).
But, of all the options available, jamming a safety pin through one�s ear in the middle of study hall ranks pretty far down the list. That was, of course, the option this particular fellow took, after which he proceeded to bleed like a stuck pig.
A clever ploy to get out of study hall? Perhaps, but probably not. Teens may have evolved (or devolved) but it�s unlikely that things have changed so much that anyone wants to get out of study hall. Trig? You bet. But not study hall.
The young man probably figured he was saving everyone time and money. One quick poke and it would be over with�so who cares? (The same logic, unfortunately, frequently applies to teenage sex as well, come to think of it.)
Lest you think I�m just casting stones, my own teen-age years involved plenty of stupidity as well. I busted my dad�s car by launching it over a raised railroad crossing, a-la �Starksy and Hutch;� I crashed a golf cart into a creek; and I was a willing participant in many a �firecracker war.�
The last involved teenaged boys running around, whipping lit firecrackers at each other. (Kids, don�t try this at home�or anywhere else on planet Earth.) We thought it was great fun at the time. Looking back, I�m still amazed that I still have enough fingers left to write a column every week.
There are exceptions of course. There are responsible, cautious teens, variously known as �goodie-goodies,� �squares� and �bor-ring� by their peers throughout history.
Adults have tried mightily to make responsible behavior seem �cool� in recent years, but I fear that�s a losing proposition. Either a teen gets it or he doesn�t. The chances of an adult convincing a teen that it�s cool to be responsible are approximately the same as Jerry Springer opting for subtle.
That�s even true in my case. I�ve been blessed with a smart, caring, careful daughter. She works hard. She gets good grades. But she is still a hormones-a-racin� teen-aged girl.
When she is pissed, the whole world must know that she is pissed. Thus, when I incur her wrath through some unreasonable parental decree, I am treated to the �floor stomp� as she climbs the stairs up to her room.
This is a very important statement, in which she attempts to drive her foot completely through the floor with each step. Somewhere scientists study their seismographs at those times and wonder where this particular earthquake is coming from.
The angry stomp is inevitably followed by the shattering door slam. In Sara�s case, one slam is never enough. At least one encore is required, sometimes two or three.
Only the most dull of parents want to completely quench the spirit and emotion of the teen years. Even as it drives us nuts, we recognize that there is something special�something pure and wonderful�about it.
So we give them a certain amount of free reign, struggling to maintain a healthy balance. We don�t want to yank so hard that they turn off completely. Complete shut down is the ultimate teen defense, one that doesn�t do anybody any good.
At the same time, if we�re smart, we don�t give them enough rope to hang themselves either. We end up picking our spots; ignoring the little offenses, pushing a little at the moderate ones and, when necessary, slamming the hammer down hard when critical decisions and mistakes are at stake.
Looking back, most of us shake our head and wonder when we reflect on our own teen years. How did we survive? It�s a question that scares us as parents, for we can�t imagine that our kids will have the same dumb luck.
Yet there is something about the teen spirit that, against all odds, enables them to get through it all, in spite of our best and worst efforts.
Indeed, the most relevant question is not whether our sons and daughters will survive their teens. History says they will, in spite of themselves.
The bigger issue, the issue that has troubled parents throughout the ages, is much more simple: can we survive those years as well?