A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
World Class Silliness
The World Cup is finally over. Thank God. Rumor has it that the tournament actually ended a couple of weeks ago, but we are unable to confirm the exact time. It seems that everyone was asleep whenever the torture was finally over.
Yeah, yeah, it�s the Most Important Sporting Event in the World. And yeah, Americans are just too boorish to appreciate the sport, much less appreciate the wonder of bringing the nations of the world together every four years.
The last is the only incorrect statement of the familiar bunch. There�s no missing the way the World Cup brings the globe together. For, having gathered the people of the world together, we get a chance to see what the world is really about.
We see players head-butting their opponents, kicking them in the groin and generally behaving like gangstah-rappers. We get to see one nation�s fans kicking the crap out of another nation�s fans, while spectators get arrested in numbers that amaze even this old south-sider. In this way, at least, the World Cup truly represents the world as we know it.
But what is truly remarkable is the way that this event, which proclaims itself the most important sporting contest in the universe, actually ended.
One would expect the conclusion of the Most Fantastic Athletic Contest Ever to conclude in a dazzling exhibition of skill. You�d think so, but, in reality, the World Cup ended in the sporting world�s equivalent of a coin flip.
They call it a �shoot-out� which implies a certain level of skill. And, to be fair, there surely is a certain level of skill involved in a shoot-out, but it sure ain�t of the sort that soccer afficianados constantly espouse.
They always tell us that we don�t appreciate the subtleties of the game�the delicate give and take, attack and defend�that makes soccer so remarkable.
Let�s give the apologists that point. When many of us in this country watch a soccer match, we don�t see skill, because we don�t understand the game. We see a bunch of yahoos kicking a ball back and forth while they pretend that their arms don�t exist. We don�t get it indeed.
Yet, when it comes to deciding the Biggest Game of the Biggest Tournament, all of that subtlety, and most of that skill, gets tossed out of the window. They line one guy up approximately two feet away from another guy, who has like five thousand square feet of goal mouth to defend.
There is no way that the goalie can actually accomplish this. It�s like giving Barney Fife an extra bullet and sending him to the US-Mexico border to take care of the illegal immigration problem.
It�s a guessing game. Will he kick it right, or will he kick it left, or�if the guy�s really a trickster�back up the middle? If the goalie is lucky enough to guess correctly, skill might come into play. If not, he looks like an idiot.
And we are told that there is a certain amount of skill involved in figuring out where the ball will go as well. Perhaps that is so. But it sure doesn�t seem like it.
Watching balls constantly fly one way when the ball flies the other just ain�t that impressive folks. The shoot-out rather seems to involve all of tools necessary to select the correct card from an opponent�s hand during a thrilling game of �go-fish.�
Deciding the Greatest Athletic Contest in the Universe based on a shoot-out is like naming the NBA Champion based on a slam-dunk competition, or using the home run derby to find the World Series winner in Game 7. Why not just play a game of Chutes and Ladders to figure it out for crying out loud?
Are there alternatives available? There oughta be. Dump the offside rule in overtime. Make each side pull one player off of the field, at two-minute intervals, until somebody scores. Move an extra net onto the field on each side. Do something�anything�rather than make people endure this silliness.
As it stands, 2006 World Cup Champion may or may not be the best national team in the world. All we know for sure is that they are the luckiest. Perhaps they�ll try out for the World series of Poker next.
Sarcasm temporarily aside, none of this tirade is really meant to slam the Italian team, or any other soccer player. It is said that soccer players are the best conditioned athletes in the world and it�s hard to argue the point. The guys and gals who play the sport run around for 90 minutes, while most of us (your humble correspondent included) would have a hard time making it through five minutes without using a defibulator.
Yet, isn�t something as ridiculous as a shoot-out the ultimate insult to all of these fine athletes? Many of us may not enjoy their game, but at least we can respect the players. Turning what was so often told is the ultimate contest of skill into a random game of chance diminishes the game, and those who play it as well.
