A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Phone Home
Got a call from one of my favorite liberal buddies, Max Misery, the other day that was a bit unusual. Max has been bummed for several decades now, but this time he was even more depressed than usual.
�Hey Rich,� he began. �I just called to tell you that I won�t be calling any more.�
�You�re kidding Max,� I replied. �What happened? Are you moving out of the country or something?�
�No, no. Nothing like that. I�m just having my phone removed. I�m having my computer disconnected as well. From now on, if I talk to somebody it�s going to be a public park. Oh, and you�ll have to wear an aluminum foil hat too. I�ve been working on some. They look quite fashionable actually.�
I knew where this was going of course. Max embraces more conspiracy theories than Pamela Anderson has had boob jobs.
�Maxie, baby, is this about the whole phone-records thing?� I said.
�What? No. Of course not. The government is doing a great job with this whole terrorist thing. A great job. I�m just trying to cut expenses a bit.�
Uh-huh. Max has a trust fund from daddy and a nice pension from his government job. He�s no more likely to cut expenses than Rod Blagojevich.
�Max, no one is listening to our conversation,� I said.
He responded in a very quiet voice. �Yes they are.�
�Max, if they were, they probably heard that.�
Quieter still. �Crap.�
�And that.�
Silence.
�OK, here�s the deal,� I said. �The National Security Agency only got phone records, not recordings of actual phone calls. They�ve been doing that for decades, in all kinds of criminal investigations. They just look at who�s calling whom. They don�t listen into to actual conversations.�
�Yes they are. I read it in the paper. The NSA is �monitoring� phone calls. That�s what they said.�
�Monitoring ain�t listening Max.�
�Is too.�
�No, it�s not. It�s just a clever word that some media outlets use to scare the crap out of you. Technically it�s correct, but it creates a damning impression. It�s like the word �claim.� Did you ever notice how consumer groups always �say� something, while industry advocates always make �claims.� It�s subtle stuff bud. You gotta watch out for it.�
�Monitor, listen, it�s all the same. They�re just waiting to take me away. Not that there�s anything wrong with that,� he added quickly.
�Do you actually know anyone who�s been �taken away� bud?�
�Well-er-no, not personally, but I�ve heard��
�That�s not surprising. Unless you�re an Arab terrorist, you don�t know anyone who�s been detained. Hell Max, people trash the war and the administration every day. If we were putting people away for what they think wouldn�t Cindy Sheehan and Howard Dean be the first to go?�
�Whatever. They�re not going to get me. That�s all I know.�
�Now listen up, because I�m going to tell how this really works. Phone companies keep records of who calls who. They have to, to send bills, right?�
�Sure. I guess so.�
�The NSA buys these records. There�s nothing illegal about it. The Supreme Court ruled on the practice back in 1979 and the government, be it Republicans and Democrats, have purchased those phone records for decades.�
�A Democrat would never do that.�
�Yeah. A Democrat would shy away from spending money. Right. Anyway, those records are fed into a computer, which is programmed to identify the numbers of known or suspected terrorists. When they get a hit, they follow up to see who called. It�s just a way to figure out who�s in the web�no different than tracking who a mob boss calls to try to figure out who else might be in the mob. We�ve been doing that forever. Nobody listens to conversations without a court order�same as it ever was.�
There was a long pause, followed by a sudden beep. �What was that?!� Max yelled.
�I believe that was your chin hitting the pound key.�
�Oh my God, they�re listening. I gotta go. I gotta go. I�ll call you later Rich. No�I�ll, um, be in touch. I�ll send you a letter or something.�
I sighed. �Don�t forget to wear rubber gloves when you send it Maxie. Maybe you should get a P.O. box too.�
�The Post Office?� he cried. �You�ve got to be kidding!�
