A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Fashion Right
Where clothes are concerned, everyone is trying to make a statement, even if that statement happens to be �I don�t care.� There�s no escaping it. How you dress says a lot about who you are. So let�s examine the mysterious, exciting world of fashion.
Ties on Guys�There are two possible statements here. Either, �I work at a company that has yet to enter the twenty-first century,� or �I�m a lawyer.� Ties on guys are like, so last millennium. In the two thousands, a bit of comfort in the office is appropos.
Ties on Gals�Simply put�cool. This will be a continuing theme, since most every article of clothing (though, sadly not all) that you drape over a woman�s form will be cool. A girl in tie is a gal who defies convention, who even laughs at it. That rocks.
Capri Pants�Capri pants are a fashion disaster, rivaling the giant, plaid bell-bottoms of the 70s for the title �stupidest look ever.� A decade from now people who purchased capris will be thumbing through photo albums, cringing, and wondering what the hell they were thinking.
A woman in capris is a disappointment. She could, after all, do so much better. A guy in capris is just plain stupid. Just give us a little bit of masculinity back dude. It ain�t asking that much.
Tassle Loafers�Guys who buy tassle loafers make a definite statement. That statement would be: �I�m too cool to tie my shoes.� They�re kind of like ballet slippers for guys.
Big Belt Buckles�Like many fashion choices, giant belt buckles are cool when chicks wear them and frightening when dudes do. A gal who wears a belt buckle large enough to deflect a .30/06 caliber bullet declares herself as a country gal, livin� and drinkin� hard. That�s OK, since she�s of the female persuasion. A guy, on the other hand, wants everyone to know that he�s a unrepentant redneck, which is an entirely scary thing.
Cowboy Boots�One of the few fashion choices that work in any circumstance. Granted, boots work a lot better if you�re actually from a part of the country where they are part of the culture. But, even in the northern climes, cowboy boots are unobtrusive fun. The crazier the better.
Mini-Skirts�What guy doesn�t appreciate a well-worn mini-skirt? This is a natural consequence of appreciating a good pair of legs. Yet, donning a mini-skirt is a statement all of its own.
It�s a brave move for the average woman, one that involves a good deal of weight-shifting and fabric-tugging. Moreover, it says �Look at me,� which is not a declaration that every woman is comfortable with.
The boys will always notice. The question for the gals is, do they really want us to stare?
Vests�Rarely a good choice, vests are most often featured at places like Wal-Mart and Ace Hardware, where they make an unfortunate statement: �It was this or unemployment, cut me a little slack.�
Vests are silly, articles of clothing that don�t actually accomplish anything. Society has been trying to give vests a rest for several decades, yet they stubbornly seem to hang on. The worst, of course, is the sweater vest, which even Iron Mike Ditka couldn�t wear without looking like a dork.
Velcro Shoes�Anyone over the age of five who relies on velcro to fasten their footwear is destined for unemployment. Seriously. If a person is too damned lazy to tie their shoes, they won�t even be able to handle the exertion of flipping burgers.
The daughtorial unit strongly disagrees with this one, by the by. According to The Princess, Velcro is a prime example of technology being used as it should - to create even more leisure time for Americans.
All righty then.
Expando-Pants�Are they still around? I sure hope so. It would be awfully cool if people walked around in clown shoes, but, failing that, expando-pants are the next best bit of fashion entertainment. Is there anything better than a guy with a beer-gut so volatile that he has to utilize a technology designed for pregnant women?
Those Womens Tops that Cover the Front But Nothing of the Back Except for a Couple of Strings�These probably have a name, but it has not, unfortunately, been forwarded to this column. A female friend, who seems to be reliable in such matters, says that these tops convey a definite message: �The runway is cleared for landing.� You�ll have to take her word on that one fellas.
Ridiculously Baggy Pants�You�ve seen �em, these goofy-looking pants with the crotch at knee level and a waistband actually hanging below the waist, defying gravity. They should have died a merciful death years ago, but somehow they manage to hand on among rebellious teenagers trying to set themselves apart.
While a teen�s eternal struggle to find a unique identity is a rich, and in many ways healthy, tradition, any fashion choice that sends the dual message �I don�t own a mirror� and �I�m ready for the Depends Years� doesn�t seem like the best way to go.
Socks with Sandals�You�re kidding, right?
Cut-Offs�Cut-offs are made in heaven. If you don�t like cut-offs, you oughta check your pulse. They are the one, uniquely American, fashion choice that separates us from the loonies. It�s summer ladies�jump into those cut-offs. If you don�t, the terrorists win.
