A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
The Benevolant Despot
Like most people, I spend a fair amount of time figuring out how to make the world a better place. Unlike the rest of you slugs, I�m also willing to do something about it. All you need do is take the entirely reasonable step of naming your humble correspondent Benevolent Despot and things will change. Common sense will rule. We�ll have peace in our time. Also, everyone will fly around in jet packs. It will be so cool.
There will be lots to fix but certain matters will demand immediate action. Here�s what you can expect in the first 30 days:
1. An end to seat belt laws. Now I�ve got nothing against seat belts. Matter of fact, I was wearing my seat belt before it was the law. But I hate to be told. Am I five?
Kids will continue to have to wear their seat belts and use car seats and all that of course. They�re too young to make an intelligent choice and the little monsters will crawl all over their parents if they�re not strapped in. But once a kid turns 18, they can do whatever the heck they want.
Not wearing a seat belt is stupid, but what does America stand for if not the right to be stupid? The only problem with the plan is monetary. People who don�t wear their seat belts are more likely to be hurt in an accident, which means higher insurance premiums for all of us. We�ve get the answer to that one too.
Insurance companies will no longer be required to pay any medical costs for motorists who don�t wear their seat belts. You fly out the windshield, you deal with those lacerations and fractures on your own buddy�unless of course you pony up the extra cash for the �stick it�I don�t click it� policy.
Sure the effect of all of those changes will be about the same, but nobody will be telling us what to do. That�s what matters.
2. Better treatment for tree-huggers. Did you see where Joan Baez and �Butterfly� (an environmental whacko of the first degree) are living in a tree in Los Angeles? According to the AP, they�re going to live in this tree, located on a 14-acre farm in Los Angeles, to prevent it from being sold for development. The AP also says this farm is home to 350 farming families.
Three hundred-fifty families on 14 acres? Really. That�s less than five-hundreth�s of an acres per family. What are they farming�ants? Me thinks the AP�s editorial staff needs to lay off the sauce.
In any case, the reason the farm (if that�s what it is) is being sold for development is that environmental activists couldn�t come up with the $16 million needed to buy it and preserve it. Having failed in that quest, they now want to screw the owner out of his investment by planting themselves in a tree.
This is not the first time this has been done. �Butterfly� last made headlines by planting her organic ass in a tree owned by a logging company. She and her comrades knew that nobody is going to send a cop up and push them out of their perches.
That�s fine. But if they�re that committed to nature, the least we can do is to bring a little more nature to them. Under my administration, every time one of these whackos pulls this stunt, we�ll send over a cougar or mountain lion to keep them company. Call it a pet. It�s got to get lonely up there, right? And if somebody happens to get devoured, it�s all part of the circle of life.
3. Reproductive rules. We�ve all heard it. �There isn�t a test for having kids.� Well, there oughto be. The world is overrun with screwed-up parents raising screwed-up kids. We need a licensing procedure, but the government won�t be in charge of it. If the government managed the program, we�d be stuck with a nation full of wimps and whiners (or perhaps we should say with even more wimps and
whiners) within a generation.
Instead we�ll turn licensing over to the kids. Not just any kids, but kids who are well-adjusted, get good grades in school and are capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. In other words, kids who aren�t screwed up. They know, better than anyone, what it takes to be a good parent and they�re honest enough to see through any bull.
If prospective parents got through the Kids Council for Reproductive Development, they can knock out as many rug rats as they want. If not? Then it�s snip time baby.
4. Media accountability. It�s just one of a bazillion examples, but a widely reported story a couple of weeks ago related how a passenger on an airliner tried to open a door on the airplane in flight. The reports made it sound like this was an actual problem, quoting passengers shaken by their �narrow escape from death.�
Nice story, if completely inaccurate. The forces holding a door in place in a pressurized airliner are enormous. King Kong couldn�t open it, even if he could afford a seat. Seriously. There are several tons of air pressure at work here. The guy would have cracked off the door handle long before he would have been able to actually move the door.
It�s the kind of story that injured several aviation professionals (see pprune.org, a wonderful site), who collapsed in hysterics.
We can�t actually curtail what the media says (not with the First Amendment and all), but we should hold them accountable. Therefore, whenever a reporter files a grossly erroneous story like this, he or she would have to identify themselves as an idiot in every subsequent by-line for the next year. As in �Joel Saunders, idiot, reporting. Back to you Chris.� Two offenses and they�d be �morans.� Three or more? �Blithering, clueless half-wit� seems appropriate. You just watch how quickly the media�s work will improve.
Tell me that it won�t be a better world under the new regime. Go ahead�tell me. It�ll be a brave, beautiful new world baby. If you�ve got any suggestions for further improvements, drop me a line. Don�t fret if I didn�t get back to you quickly. I�m probably out getting fitted for a crown.
