A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
The Real Reason She Wants to Visit Vienna
�Vas it goot for you licpchen?� the man asked, taking a deep drag of the cigarette he held between his middle and ring fingers.
�Oh, ja!� his partner replied, snuggling against him.
According to a recent survey commissioned by the folks who make Viagra (otherwise known as the ultimate �picker-upper�) that conversation is more likely to occur in the nation of Austria than in any other country in the world, albeit probably not in broken English. The survey, which attempted to gauge sexual satisfaction among men and women aged 40 to 80 in 29 countries, leads to several obvious questions:
�Austria? You�re kidding, right?
�Where can I get the phone numbers of those who aren�t satisfied?
�Can you really sneak a column on this subject past your editor?
�How many little old ladies will call in to complain if you do?
The answers are, respectively: I�m absolutely serious; you�ll be the second to know; if we employ a full compliment of euphanisms, this one may just squeak by; and, all of them.
Surveyors concluded that satisfactions is tied to equality, saying that people who live in Europe, North America and Australia are most likely to be happy with their sex life, a consequence, they say, of more or less balanced relationships.
In contrast, they characterized Far Eastern countries like China, Indonesia, Japan and Taiwan as conservative and male-oriented.
�Many women...characterize sex as dirty, as a duty, something they endure� lead research Edward Laumann of the University of Chicago (also known as �the guy running the greatest scam in the free world�) reported.
He just missed the mark of course. Everyone, east or west, realizes that sex is dirty�that�s what makes it cool. We�re just a lot more comfortable with dirt here in the heathen west.
Laumann also attempted to conduct research in Saudi Arabia. You can probably guess how that worked out. Researchers were promptly booted out of the country, where women are not officially supposed to have bodies, much less use them for something so disgusting. On the plus side, none of the researchers lost any appendages.
How did the U.S. rate? We�re number five, according to the survey. Your humble correspondent could justifiably claim the lion�s share of credit for our fine-showing, but decorum prevents publicizing my role.
We�re just behind Belgium and just ahead of Australia, which seems questionable on both counts.
How could we finish behind Belgium in anything? Other than making the world�s most disgusting beer of course. When one thinks �quality relationship� Belgium hunks or babes don�t spring immediately to mind.
On the other hand, it�s hard to believe that anyone has more fun doing anything, including the horizontal bop, than your average Aussie. The folks down under are absolutely, and wonderfully, out of their collective minds. They�ve got a law prohibiting political-correctness, or so we�ve been told. It�s surprising that the Aussies didn�t finish on the top of this list, ,but they were probably too blown away on Fosters to understand the questions.
Likewise for the Dutch, who didn�t crack the top 10. Any country where �coffee houses� includes Acapulco Gold on the menu isn�t going to provide the most accurate answers.
The other obvious error in this survey involves time-frames. Ask a guy if he�s satisfied and he�ll think back 24 hours�perhaps 48 if he�s of the �sensitive� sort. A woman, on the other hand, will carefully weigh the last two decades of the relationship, which is a time period genetically incomprehensible to those of us who are Y-chromosoned.
Yet, whatever the culture and however the question is phrased, doesn�t this issue really boil down to the gal in question? If she�s not satisfied, there will ultimately be consequences, which explains those declining birth rates in the Asia countries where no one seems to be pleased.
�When mama�s not happy, nobody�s happy,� Laumann concluded.
Take note folks, except for you Austrian studs. In all aspects of life, not just relationships, that�s advice for the ages.
