A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Hot Tip
While we are ordinarily against more government regulation here in The Cheap Seats, as a matter of principle, there is one area in which the government has been irresponsibly slow to step in. We need laws to punish those heinous members of society: the no-tipping crowd.
This of course includes the �reluctant tippers,� who painfully open their coin purse to dole out a minimal gratuity and put on a disgusted face as though someone had just forced them to clean a public restroom.
Kids are excepted from this rule. If you�re working your way through college or if you hold a part-time job in high school, you get a hall pass. But, while you don�t have to tip like the rest of us, you darn well better make some kind of effort.
A decent tip is part of the program. There is absolutely no excuse for anyone who has lived in this country for more than six months not to understand this. You get good service, you give a good tip. You get crappy service, you give a crappy tip. The instances where service is so bad that no tip is justified are exceedingly rare.
What�s cool about tipping is that it�s part of an entirely informal social contract, like being polite and displaying good manners. No one makes you do it, but when you make the decision to participate, you make the world a little better place to live�without anyone telling you that you have to.
It is remarkable that we appear to have more people interested in the fate of goose livers than care about the service industry. And, personally, I don�t even like faus gras, but should government really waste its time worrying about geese? Unless it�s developing plans to shoot more of the damn things of course. Geese are, the cockroaches of the new millennium.
Given a choice between worrying about goose livers or helping out folks who bring us beer and food, how can there even be a moment�s hesitation? Let�s get our priorities straight people.
I should confess that I was raised by a notorious reluctant tipper. My mother would tip 10 percent�maybe. It was all the worse because she was about the biggest pain-in-the-rear of any customer�ever.
No glass of water had the right amount of ice. Every portion of food was either too small, or�quite often� too large. As kids, my sibs and I would watch waiters and waitresses desperately trying to figure out how to please this woman, not realizing that it was�by definition�an impossible task.
And then, at the end of the evening, having put the poor guy or gal through absolute hell, mom would plunk down a three-dollar tip on a fifty-dollar bill. Yeckk.
When we passed into adulthood, my sibs and I developed a method to address the injustice. One of us would hang back�claiming that we had to use the restroom or some such nonsense. When mom was out of range, we�d sneak back to the table and plop down the extra cash that honor demanded.
The most frustrating thing about non-tippers and reluctant tippers is that they are frequently the very people who can most afford it. Rich people get to be rich by looking out after their cash, but there�s a time to let go already.
The nature of our economy is that people involved in the service industry get paid squat, by and large. They depend on tips to earn a decent income.
That fact ought not give anyone heartburn. Very often, the difference between a good tip and a crappy tip is a few bucks. If you can�t afford a few bucks, you probably shouldn�t be going out in the first place.
As Americans, we are alternately accused of trying to buy the world oft with money and of being the most selfish people on the planet. The former distinction is far more desirable. If you�ve got it, flaunt it�on something a little more substantial than a pinky ring.
