A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Four Parties
Most people are under the mistaken impression that there are two major political parties in the United States. This would be incorrect. There are four.
These would be: the Stupid Democratic Party, the Stupid Republican Party, the Intelligent Democratic Party, and the Intelligent Republican Party.
Members of either stupid party will not, of course, acknowledge the fact that there is an intelligent component to the opposition. If you�re stupid, it�s very, very important to label the competition even stupider. That said, let�s take a look at those four, very different, organizations.
Stupid Democrats generally don�t have jobs, unless they are employed in the entertainment industry. Either way, these are people who need to have their buddies in power to feel cool.
Stupid Democrats believe that each and every Republican voter is a racist, a thief and sexually repressed�just for starters. Being stupid, they have to believe that each and every Republican president is even stupider than they are. Stupid is as stupid does after all.
For them, the world boils down to a never-ending contest between corporate greed and populist purity. No amount of government regulation or taxation can possibly be enough. The bastards have it coming to them.
Stupid Republicans, on the other hand, believe that Big Brother is all ready to invade their homes, take their guns and turn their children into flaming homosexuals.
These are the people who toss racial epithets around more often than Peyton Manning tosses a touchdown pass. They�re sure that they�re getting screwed by minorities, which is all the worse since those minorities shouldn�t be called �American� at all.
The key to being stupid is to lump all of the opposition into the opposing brand of idiocy. For Stupid Democrats, every Republican politician is a shill for millionaires and every Republican voter is a Bible-thumping Nazi, who�s probably inbred to boot. For stupid Republicans, all Democratic politicians sleep with Fidel Castro and every Democratic vote�is a bleeding heart, pinko commie.
These things are true at the fringes of course, but only at the fringes. And both parties find it especially pleasant to know that they can count on those fringes without actually having to accommodate them.
Which leaves us with the vast, usually sober majority that�s just trying to figure it all out. For the most part, they don�t have a lot of time to dedicate to study, seeing as how they�re busy working, raising families and/or being part of their communities. Besides all that, political issues can be pretty damn dull.
But they�re trying and that�s something. The big difference between intelligent Republicans and intelligent Democrats usually boils down to: who�s got the power? Since power corrupts, it follows that the people who have it are more likely to be working against us, instead of for our best interests. It also follows that they are most likely to lie to stay in power.
Intelligent Democrats look at the nation and conclude that power comes from money and, therefore, it�s the corporations and the rich who really run the country. While capitalism is at least a necessary evil�an at best a viable option�strong government is needed to check that power. Put someone in office who actually champions the cause of businesses and the wealthy, i.e., a Republican, and the whole system is out of whack.
Like their counterparts, Intelligent Republicans look at the nation and conclude that power come from money and, therefore, it�s government and populist special interest groups who really run the country. For them capitalism is a huge force for good in the country and big, bureaucratic government rips the heart of capitalism. They�ll accept some checks, for it�s not a perfect system, but putting someone in power who wants to push the balance further in government�s direction�i.e., a Democrat�and the whole system is out of whack.
All of our differences really come down to this. Intelligent Democrats know that Bush didn�t invade Iraq for the sake of Exxon, but believe that it�s foolish to try to promote what is to them a flawed concept of capitalistic democracy in foreign lands. They could be right. Time will tell, if we have the courage to give it time.
Intelligent Republicans know that the opposition doesn�t really support the goofy militants. Rather they sincerely believe that people of all kinds�of any kind in fact�will eventually make the peaceful most of their lives if given access to the kind of freedom and opportunity we have been blessed with. Democracy trumps terrorism for them. They could be right too.
Civil rights? Women�s rights? Republicans say �equal opportunity� which equates to less government, Democrats call for a �level playing field� which means more government.
It�s the same with taxes. High tax rates don�t actually generate more revenue. They serve to stifle the economy, which means less dollars for Uncle Sam. What high tax rates actually do is to hold businesses and the rich down, making government more important and powerful. Intelligent Democrats see that as a worthwhile objective. Intelligent Republicans believe that hurts us all, rich and poor.
The ultimate objective for the intelligent portions of each party are really very much the same: peace, prosperity, equality and happiness. Neither would never admit to equivalent goals of course, propaganda does not allow such candor. But they share those common goals nonetheless. The question is simply what�s the best way to get there, and that�s a question we�ll continue to debate for a long, long time.
