A VIEW FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
By Rich Trzupek
Employee IDs
No matter how many places you work, there are certain people that seem to show up at every job. One can only conclude that a successful (or unsuccessful) organization requires a distinct mix of personality types. Such as:
�The Whiner: The whiner spends the first five days at his newest job complaining about how awful his last job was and the next five years bitching about his current one. Nothing ever satisfies the whiner. He�ll complain about how antiquated the company copier is. Then, when the company buys a new one, he�ll tell everybody how stupid the boss was to buy this over-priced piece-of-crap.
Whiners also tend to congregate, like vultures. They�ll spend hours in a whispery huddle every day, in utter despair over the amount of work they have to do. The thought that they could actually get their work done if they cut their crabbing time by 50 percent never, ever occurs to them.
�The Schmoozer: Inevitably, the schmoozer is a mid-level manager. He has stumbled into his position not by the strength of his skills, but by understanding precisely how to play his immediate superior. The schmoozer spends 50 percent of his time laying claim to his subordinate�s accomplishments, 50 percent of his time subtly under-cutting other mid-level managers, 25 percent of his time sauntering around the office looking important and 75 percent of his time keeping his nose buried in bosses rear-end.
Yes that ends up totalling 200 percent, but that�s part of the schmoozer�s deal too: he always lays claim to at least twice as much work than he actually does.
�The Yapper: The yapper is an especially frustrating character. He�s actually quite competent, but he�s not terribly productive, only because he feels obliged to spend an hour explaining every 10 minutes worth of work.
If a yapper closes a big sale, for example, he will immediately feel obliged to recount every moment of the chase, for the benefit of each and every co-worker. The tale will begin with the first phone call, proceed through a detailed description of every luncheon selection and will not stop until you, the listener, have passed out, or until he spots someone who hasn�t heard the story yet.
The odd thing about yappers is that they are usually very successful with customers. Presumably, this is because customers will do anything to make them shut up as well.
�The Rebel: For some people, being good at one�s job isn�t good enough. Some people need to be good with an attitude.
The rebel is every bosses� nightmare. The rebel performs, in every reasonable way, but simultaneously pushes back at the edges that, in his mind shouldn�t matter, but that in fact matter, quite a lot, to the powers that be. What do you do, for example, with a guy who accomplishes every task on time and under budget, but who refuses to follow the dress code?
Rebels always believe that talent will trump everything. That�s not the way it works. And so rebels end up either moving from job to job like a nomad, or starting their own company (where their own version of the small stuff suddenly becomes important).
Yours truly was a rebel at one time, by the by. But that was a lifetime and two dozen IQ points ago...
�The Brain: The brain is careful to keep his MENSA card tucked away in his wallet. It�s not the kind of thing you show off. But there�s no doubt that it�s there.
Most of his work life is dedicated to letting everyone know that he�s the smartest person on the planet. Yet he does so subtly, which provides all the more smug self-satisfaction. He�s smarter than you, and he knows it, and you know it, and he knows you know it. The first one to admit it loses.
The brain could be a powerful asset to the team were it not for two fatal flaws: 1) he�s such a pain in the rear to deal with that nobody wants to solicit his help, and 2) no one can understand what the hell he�s talking about anyway.
�The IT Guy: Nobody is more jealous of their personal kingdom than the IT guy. Nobody has more disdain for their co-workers.
IT guys live in their own private universe, proof positive that aliens have not only visited planet Earth, they�ve reproduced as well.
Because he speaks a language that ordinary humans do not, the IT oozes disdain whenever he�s called upon to help out. He�s so difficult to talk to that the average co-worker will suffer through endless computer woes before calling for IT help. And, even then, whacking ones self on the head with a ball peen hammer still seems like an attractive alternative.
�The Bean Counter: We all know what bean counters are about. They are a necessary evil, but are second only to IT guys in terms of protecting their turf. If he decides that only original receipts can be submitted with expense reports, God help the fool who tries to submit a photocopy. His vision of �order� would make a Nazi shake his head.
The most amazing thing about bean counters is that they are so certain they are absolutely indispensible. They don�t understand why any of those annoying creative, productive people are even there. They long for a company full of bean counters, where every penny is scrupulously accounted for, even though history clearly shows that when the bean counters are given free reign, there aren�t many pennies to count at all.
As screwy as all of these individual pieces can be, they somehow manage to fit together more often than not. And, maybe, just maybe, that�s what really makes it work.
